Table of contents
- Storytime
- DMT the Psychedelic
- What you came here for
Prologue
One year ago I decided to take a break from my formal education. I didn't feel hindered in continuing, but was simply glad to have a pause in pointing my nose toward the books. You see, in Norway, a year-long intermission from one's studies does not belong in the pile of occasional odd decisions. That which inevitably catches up to the learning youth, had found me as well. I had come to hate school.
I guess my aversion toward the academic had first sprouted when I graduated from middle school. Finishing, my grades were the best among all the graduates, with As (6s in Norway) across the board except for in a couple of subjects. I had every reason to smile big at my prospects, which could only hold fortune for me, right? And yet I didn't. I got the feeling that all I had done up until that point was in vain, since at high school you start off with a blank slate. I had vastly over performed (who needs grades like that in middle school?) and now I had to start all over again. I told myself that a new beginning was always a fresh one, but clearly I didn't buy it. Would my efforts here be made obsolete as well? Why was my happiness relying on these numbers which are just mere symbols? You may say that my perspective was skewered, that clearly one gets to harvest from one's work later down the line. Sure, but it had dawned on me that this way I and everybody around me were living in the future. Going through our hardships in hope of that goodie. The carrot you first think awaits you after high school, then university, then years of work, then only when retirement comes. I had begun to realize this future-fugazy-fugazi-thingy wasn't planning to arrive. Well, my conviction was not of any articulated matter, mind you, but existed only as something simmering in the back of my head. So I continued with school as anybody.
And so my mood grew wearier by the day. It didn't help that the studies demanded mostly cramming of information and fixed methods, which I consider to be a low forms of knowledge as well as learning. Let the books memorize for you, so that your mind is free to tinker with images and ideas. Although, it is understandable that there is need for solid, concrete forms for us to be tested against if our learning is ever to be effectively measured and controlled. But still this mostly serves to fossilize the mind. And not only were my thoughts drying up. I also failed to see the use behind most of our subjects. In short, I was force-overloaded with details surrounding all kinds of stuff I felt were completely irrelevant to me.
So when I finally saw the end of high school, my grades had dipped and I had also lost myself along the way. I was no longer that playful and effortless child to whom things came with ease. My mind was now as the methods I had been exposed to: rigid, concrete, critical and controlling. Something had to be done about this. I decided that I would spend the next year trying to regain what had went missing. I simply couldn't go on living by a serious, nitpicky, future-is-all mindset. It was suffocating me. Only problem was, I had no idea of what I was looking for! Or what I had to do to achieve this. I knew I had been different before, but felt like I had been a dry rosin all my life.
For god knows what reason, I was prompted to pursue meditation. I cannot for the life of me remember how came to conclude this to be the right path, only that I did indeed begin the practice about one year ago. I can however recall my first attempt at it quite well. I had turned off the lights and was sitting in my sofa. No special leg placement, my feet were just contently resting on the carpet beneath. With no real idea behind what I was supposed to do (except for a couple of YT vids), I simply closed my eyes and tried quieting my mind. And since I was fully aware of my total noobness, I had no expectations whatsoever. Which I guess was key to what happened next. I don't know how long into it I was, when I noticed something odd had happened. I wasn't there anymore! I had simply vanished! The chattering baboon which had been ceaselessly interrupting had gone and now the world was silent. And beautiful! In this silence the fog had disappeared and I was seeing everything clearly. At least that was how it felt. Also, even though my focus right then and there was on my breathing, I wasn't controlling it. Usually when I became conscious of my breath, I would start to manually do it. Somewhat involuntary voluntary. Now I was just observing. Until I got excited and fucked it up.
To put mildly, I was baffled. At my very first try I had made it. I was convinced this was the right direction to continue in. Now it was time to double the effort! Little did I know, that by taking this forceful stance toward my meditation, I was in reality getting further away from my goal. And it took me a looong time to figure this out. Defined within a one-year time frame, of course. Anyway, in my silly attempt of honing my skills, I used to watch videos from this YouTube channel. And one day there had been uploaded a video about the use of DMT, which the creator of the channel had been taking in order to experience complete ego-death and oneness with the universe. I didn't know exactly what that entailed, only that this was the destination my practice had been pushing me toward, and that "that first-attempt-moment" (and those after it) had been somewhere between the daily life default mode and the end of the spectrum described in the video.
To say the least, I was hooked at the idea of short-cutting what I imagined was going to be years of consistent discipline. I started researching the hell out of this magical substance: what it was, where it could be found, its history, the effects from taking it, etc. Hours and hours. I have no clue of how many trip reports I've read. The will had made up its mind, and now I had to actually get some. Which I finally managed to in the end.
DMT the Psychedelic
First thing you need to know about substance: its not a narcotic. In no way does it incapacitate you or dull your senses. There is no high to be gotten here. Although you probably want to lie down, you'll still be feeling clear-headed and sober throughout. Now, with that out of the way, let's move on.
The word Psychedelic is made from the Ancient Greek words psychē (ψυχή, "soul") and dēloun (δηλοῦν, "to make visible, to reveal"). Users tend to report strong hallucinations as well as the feeling of having their mind-fog lifted. This was roughly the first snippet of information I came across regarding this substance, which then made up my first impression of it. Descriptions like these encouraged me to move on, but to really dare walk the line I needed to know one essential thing: was it safe?
And oh boy. What I then discovered blew my mind away. I learned there are strong reasons to believe that nn-DMT (the most frequently used version of the substance) is actually secreted from our own pineal gland! Firstly, the organ has all the ingredients needed to execute the relatively straightforward chemical reactions to make DMT. Secondly, scientists have detected the substance in that of rats. So, for the sake of progress I was willing to believe that the human brain indeed does regulate this stuff naturally. Next I had to know whether or not one could overdose on DMT. Apparently, one have to take about 165 times the amount of an effective dose to even to be considered as one entering the danger zone. It is usually smoked (vaporized), and there is not a single person on the planet able to inhale this much. Practically speaking, it's easier to overdose on water! Considering the substance has an extremely short halftime from the second it is biologically active, I would argue (non-conclusively) that there is even more weight behind the claim that our brains deals with DMT on a regular basis and knows what it's doing. A trip usually only last about ten minutes, which compared to most other psychedelics is immensely short. LSD for example, takes hours to leave the brain.
As far as DMT's effects on the brain, not too much is known. Brain scans have shown that when under the influence of the substance, the areas which make up the default mode network have their activity greatly decreased. This basically translates to less thinking and reduced self-consciousness. Anxiety is reported to shrink as a result of this. Furthermore, DMT has also been linked to proteins whose job is to preserve memory, neuroplasticity, as well as stimulating the creation of new neurons! Lastly, one does not build any long-term tolerance from this substance. The same amount of DMT will always produce the same levels of intensity, as long as you take a one-hour-break between trips.
I should also mention that DMT is the psychoactive substance in ayahuasca, which is the indigenous brew made by shamans from native populations of South America. They have been drinking it for millennia.
Fisch goes Tripping
Source
First Glimpse
Finally, the plan had come together. MWAHAHA. Well, almost. Though the DMT had indeed arrived and was being safely stored in a jar, I did have some doubts about the device which I planned to administer the powdery treasure with. While most accounts concerning the ins and outs of DMT where mentioning things like bottles, bongs and genies for smoking, I had bought a stationary vaporizer. With this thing I hoped to bypass the need of a lighter, in addition to getting perfectly vaporized, unburnt DMT. An expensive gamble, really.
Not knowing what I was doing, I had to try a few angles of attack before I got it right. An avalanche of fails followed. I had sort of lost hope when I late at night loaded the chamber with some dried basil and rosemary (just what could be found in the kitchen) together with some DMT. Neither did I have a scale, so I don't know how much powder was taken. Turned out to be very little. So, not really believing this was going to work, I casually sat down in an armchair as I fired up the vape. Indifferent and disappointed, watching a YouTube video. Inhale. Hold for ten seconds. Let go(cough). Repeat.
Bzzzzzzzzzzz. Off in the distance, a high pitched sound. Getting higher. Louder. I was rubbing my eyes. Am I really seeing this? The faces in the video were warping. YES! It it working! I got up and plunged onto the sofa. I'm ready to trip, baby! Sadly, that was as far out as I would get that evening. So I went to bed. Needless to say though, my courage was renewed and I was looking forward to the next day.
Second Attempt
I waited until the afternoon. I sat down in the armchair. The chamber had been filled up with more than yesterday. I will take it all. No matter what. Now I didn't feel very bold anymore. Since I knew it would work, doubts had begun entering my mind. My hand was shaking as I moved the bag toward my mouth. My breathing uneven. In. Hold. Out. In. Hold. Out.
The Tunnel
I had been seriously thinking about throwing the rest of the jar in the trash. I never expected the experience to be like that, even after having gone through all those trip reports. Could never have anticipated the nightmare. No amount of words can prepare you for this. But, as you know, I didn't get rid of the DMT, but instead had another go at it some days later. I had been reflecting upon the ordeal, and concluded that I should really try again. If only once. I reassured myself that nothing severe could truly happen to me, and I would be down on earth again after 15 minutes. I felt confident about this even though I only had one real trip under my belt so far. The ego dissolution shouldn't now take me completely by surprise either. I hoped. When the time had come, I was lying down in the sofa. My nerves were still killing me, but I proceeded regardless. After the routine was gone and the bag emptied, the same effects as last time started to take place: the world slowly went kaleidoscopic. Then, suddenly, it was spinning. The visuals quickly became too much. I closed my eyes. The spinning continued behind my eyelids!
Breakthrough
The scale still hadn't arrived and so I had begun using one "chopstick-scoop" as the standard unit of measure. One scoop makes me feel thiiis waaay. Two scoops had those effects. Worked well enough. Anyway, this time I upped the number of scoops and was ready to reach the infamous Breakthrough stage. I had big hopes. Would I enter another world? Would I encounter some kinds of entities? Might I meet God? Perhaps I would become God? These were among the descriptions I had read about during my dissection of various trip reports. To say the least, I was pretty fucking hyped. And just moderately nervous compared to the previous rounds. Ok. Lying on the sofa. Again came the tunnel, only this time it didn't last very long. In just seconds, I found myself at the end.
A room made out of diamond-like fractals had manifested itself, and in it were... children and toys?! What?! Initially, as I arrived, they were sleeping on the floor. However they woke at my coming and suddenly began playing and making merry. One of them was riding a tricycle. Another one juggling. I swear, had I met children like these in the real world, I would surely have mistaken them for something else. Their mosaic looks certainly didn't make them look like cute, little toddlers.
Enlightenment
Back in the chair this time. Dose was 25 mg (finally got the scale!). I broke through. The jester had been waiting for me, ready to point out my overly serious attitude with ugly grimaces and dancing. I started to feel uncomfortable and alone. Then, suddenly appeared a strange being with a frog-like face. He was occupying my entire field of view, even though he was small enough to sit on my shoulder. He spoke. A language without words. I tried to think up a response, but that only made him go silent. So I shut up. Then he was speaking again. He told me the deepest truth about everything. And it was hilarious! Thinking about it now makes me laugh: really? That's it?! You can't be serious? Then came the jester again, ready to continue with the mocking. Only this time he was different. He was falling apart and before I could think about it, I jumped right through him and was then situated in a some kind of darkness. The only colour came from the aurora I was floating on. Then it happened. A wave of euphoria breezed through my body, gentle and warm. It filled me up and washed away my ego. The verbal me had ceased, and what was left was pure perception. Effortless. All-seeing. I sat in observation of my body and the world around me for a few minutes. When I got up and walked, it was equally effortless. As if a force was moving me around, acting out my will. Being enlightened was the the easiest thing in the world! Although it didn't last, it definitively left its mark.
Ok. That's enough text for one post. Let me know what you think in the comments below. Would you like to hear more some other time?
Loved this. Reminds me when I took acid once and it was too much for me the first time because I was fighting it too much. For whatever reason I decided to try it again and not try to fight it and just go with it.
I was definitely seeing more hallucinations this time. I felt curious this time and was laughing a lot. I really enjoyed it but 6-8 hours is so long to be tripping. The feels seem to be the same with psychedelics but DMT seems on another level.
Do you get residual effects of DMT when you smoke marijuana days later?
Ayayay... That first trip. Always a kick in the ass XD.
Confession: I have never done, taken or smoked anything besides DMT. Not even marijuana. So I have no idea of what impact DMT has on subsequent smoking. Heard a guy on youtube, PsychedSubstance, say the experience of smoking marijuana could be divided into two: before and after having taken DMT. I don't really know. I'm a total noob. LSD sounds interesting though, I'll definitely look into it. And thank you for reading my post, I really appreciate it :)
Oh wow straight to DMT. I know after I took acid whenever I smoked marijuana from that point on would get very small residual lsd effects like things appearing to start to warp but not nearly as vivid on lsd.
If you do try lsd. I would love to hear your comparison between the two. Thanks 🙏🏽
Nice post: Your are really good writer. DMT is interesting from a neurophysiological point of view. Do you think, DMT had any long term positive/ negative psychological effects:)?
The answer to that could be an entire post all by itself. In short, only positive ones in my experience. It's meditation x100! My creativity has steadily been increasing, with the occasional spike. Is this because of DMT? I have a fair bit of experience now and I can confidently say that there is no difference between the creative state and the meditative one. The world/mind quietens, you get absorbed in the impressions your mind shows you and all things seem to do themselves.
My brain work more visually now, I see things more clearly. Both my immediate surroundings as well as the simulations I run in my mind. My mood is better too.
Incredible post buddy I even got goosebumps at one point reading it. Too late to up vote the post now do so I up voted this comment instead
Goosebumps? For real?! Your words are too kind. Seeing people draw value from my post warms my heart. Thank you!
Great article.
I am going to do another round of ayahuasca next month and I am really looking forward to it.
I recognize all the struggles you talk about. I was the same at school. A very good student until I did not see the point of it anymore. Thanks for the write up.
Thank you!
Wow, @fisch this is epic, I think it's commendable that you had the insight to know you had become rigid, concrete, critical and controlling.
I had also tried meditation as a way to find myself but failed miserably, so there was only one other option in my eyes, DMT or ayahuasca after years of research I finally tried some DMT, don't get me wrong it was amazing but my ego stopped me from going as deep as you did.
I have said before that your writing skills are amazing, and to be able to put your experience into words is a gift, I really felt like I was there with you.
Jester's, children, deities, frogs who speak without word, Wow you really had "the breakthrough experience" well done.
Reading this has reignited my curiosity and one day I know I will achieve enlightenment with DMT.
I know a place in Spain that does ayahuasca ceremonies, although I would prefer to go to South America.
I will be waiting with anticipation for more of your stories.
Thanks for sharing @fisch
Tusen Takk!
I have one question, have you heard of darkroom retreats?
Thank you for your compliments, for reading my post and for commenting on it!
There is no doubt about it. This substance has imposing powers. Life changing. Even when one gets burnt.
Though DMT was the main character in getting me back on track, I cannot downplay the immense help meditation has been. I have been doing it every day since I first started. That in addition to a lot of reflection and self-inquiry made the DMT train a great deal smoother. At least that's what I like to believe XD. Just my 0.02$.
One day, I will travel to SA and participate in a such a ceremony. A hours long session has got to be intense! I'm sure it's something quite different from smoking DMT, but at the same time not entirely foreign.
No, I haven't heard of darkroom retreats. I am only familiar (in theory) with isolation tanks filled with water you float on. No lights. Sensory deprivation. Heard those could initiate ego death as well as hallucinations. Have you tried such a darkroom retreat? It sounds intriguing.
Your welcome, I really enjoyed reading.
I met a guy in Spain who I think is the only person in Europe doing dark room retreats,
From what he told me and from what I've read it seems that sitting in a dark room by yourself for up to six days has huge benefits for the self.
From all the witness accounts when you come out you have a very clear view of yourself and the world, people have gone in with health problems and come out healthy and feeling 10yrs younger.
I like the sound of it because it's like a lazy man's meditation without the use of drugs, no breathing exercises no concentration, just go in a room and live with your self for six days with absolutely no distractions.
I will try I one day and let you know how it goes :)
Look forward to your next post.
Har det :)
Hi Fisch - You are a very eloquent writer :) I began reading your post while cooking dinner and the post is so good that my sauteed onions burnt - LOL. I was so lost in your post that I could actually feel how you felt when you described the colors and objects you were seeing, you drew me right in. You are very talented, feel Blessed for this talen you have been given. Thank you for sharing this experience we me - be a child every day, there is no law that says once you reach a certain age you need to grow up - what does grown up mean? See things in life as a child would see it and you will see everything as a miracle. I love you my Steemit Friend..SUNSHINE247
Haha! Poor onions xD
Thank you very much for your kind words. I'm am sincerely grateful for them. Knowing I have shared something other people find value in is a remarkable feeling.
I read this too late to upvote your post, unfortunately, but wanted to say that I truly enjoyed reading your account of DMT. I too was disillusioned by my education and took time after graduating high school to find myself, and that process definitely included using psychedelics.
I can relate to the difficulty in breaking through the first few times! It's mysterious how so many people report similar archetypal imagery on DMT: jesters, cartoon-like figures, animals, Goddesses, etc.
Now that you've reestablished contact with your inner child, how do you see your life evolving from here?
Looking forward to your next post. :)
:O you did the same thing?! I hope you were successful in rediscovering yourself! :)
From here on everything is possible. Feels like there is not a thing I cannot do. Simultaneously there is nothing I can do nor need to do. My mind and body will take care of everything. Something along those lines XD
Pretty much, although LSD was my tool of choice. ;) DMT is amazing but it doesn't last long enough for me to really work with it.
That's awesome, I can relate to that feeling of being contented with future possibilities and trusting that it will all work out. It sounds like tripping really gave you a new perspective!
I truly believe the answer is to us embodying that inner child that is inside all of us. That is absolutely beautiful that you have become "childlike" again because have you noticed children don't have a care in the world? They know everything will work out how it is supposed to and they just naturally have a freedom like spirit. That child is still inside us all.
Great read my new friend! :D @fisch
Thank you! Thank you for taking your time to read and comment on my post! It means a lot to me.
Carefree? Yes, absolutely! I feel deeply that everything will work itself out in the end, also in face of troubles. Let me emphasize another childlike aspect. People spend their entire life trying to regain the virtues of childhood. Some more consciously then others. Especially artists or people pursuing a discipline. It is the dancer trying to regain the effortless steps she had as a child. Only after the many years of practice is this accomplished. It is the "great roundabout" back to effortlessness. Then the dancing looks easy. For it is only any good if it is without effort. Artist also do what they do only for its own sake. There is nothing they need to do. Very childlike, I think.
I'm heading out to a medicine retreat in Cusco, Peru very soon for a second time. It's hard to articulate the miraculous healing plant medicines could provide. Thank u for sharing.
I really want to go do that sometime. Even though it's the same substance, hours long ayahuasca sessions have got to be something completely different.
VEry GOOD INFORMATION !
Love someone sharing their experience! Thank you :D Resteemed and Upvoted! Great!!
wow nice info can you check this out too
https://steemit.com/food/@zeth/lets-eat-filipino-food
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STOPgreat post, check mine out if you get the chance
Definitely a good read. It makes me remember the first few times trying it. It's been several years, but I feel the urge to again. For me, it's a highly introspective experience that seems like I am visiting some sort of interstellar shaman and am able to recharge myself mentally and emotionally.
amazing post dear i liked