Happy birthday, darling! Here, we saved the best till last..!
The Good Lady, her eyes sparkling held out her hand. In it was a brown-wrapped, rather plain-looking parcel.
Open it, Daddy! OPEN IT!!
The kids clamoured around me, yelling at me to open the last remaining birthday present.
A warm glow of love and happiness spread through me. True, the presents so far had been a bit rubbish, funky pants, funky socks, a novelty shit in a manger. I didn't mind though.
For I knew what was coming.
I had been hinting for weeks. Months even.
I say hinting but that is too mild a word. I had sent the Good Lady countless links to the thing that I wanted. I had dropped it into casual conversations about home-schooling the children because of the pandemic, I had even managed to shoe in the odd comment about it as we made sweet love.
There was no doubt about it. The Good Lady knew what it was that I was after.
It was simple.
The Leatherman Skeletool in the colour of Coyote...
My last Leatherman had gone astray in the bedlam of having our first child. I don't mean I used it to prise the baby out of the stiff beef mitten that was the Good Lady's hoohaa. Oh no, I just mean that in the frenzy of those days after the birth, we moved house, had stuff everywhere and suddenly, it was gone.
I barely had time to grieve the loss of it in the pandemonium of the parenting years that followed but every once in a while when doing a job around the house, I would stop and think.
Aye, if only I had my Leatherman.
But I didn't have my Leatherman.
It will turn up.
The Good Lady had chirped on many an occasion.
It never did.
I was diminished by its loss and as the years progressed I knew that only one thing would fix this.
A new Leatherman.
A quick swatch of the Leathermen online had led me to the Skeletool. A fine-looking creature it was. I knew we could have many incredible adventures together.
So the hinting had started.
And here we were. Many months later at the culmination of it all.
The Leatherman.
Gently. Carefully. I pulled away the plain brown wrapping paper.
Underneath was a plain brown box.
OPEN IT, DADDY!!
Yelled the kids.
Go on, open it, darling!
I giggled with anticipation then yanked open the box.
WHAT IN THE NAME OF FUCK WAS THIS?!?!?
I made a mad burping noise as I tried to stifle a projectile vomit.
You like?
The Good Lady's smile shone at me with the purest of love as I gazed down at the travesty within the plain brown box.
What, is it?
I croaked although I knew fine well what it was.
It's a multi-tool!
She exclaimed.
Yay, Daddy's finally got a multi-tool again!!
The kids capered gleefully around me like devils around a burning witch in an ancient painting.
I picked it up, trying to hold in my bile-farts of disgust. It was a nasty thing. The kind of thing that Justin Sun would be holding up in an advert for Tron as the multi-tool of blockchains.
I looked at the Good Lady. My eyes burning with outrage.
Oh, he doesn't just like it...
She cried, her smile dazzling in its intensity.
HE LOVES IT!!!
She yodelled with the kids.
Everyone cheered and roared at Daddy's happiness.
I let a smile loose upon my face, a broken bitter smile.
You will burn in hell for this, woman.
I thought darkly.
I prised open the multi-tool, it was stiff and clicky.
GAAAARRRR. You will burn in FUCKING HELL!!
So Happy Hearts Day!
Tomorrow would be my mother's Birthday were she still with us. Is your's that close to hearts day? I suppose it's not so bad as Christmas, but ...
I've had multiple Leatherman tools. Some better than others, but every motorcycle for the last 30 years or so has one stashed on it to get me home if the worst thing happens...
My last GF had a Schrade Multi Tool that was like a piece of artwork. Beautiful and functional. She had actually gone down to the factory in Portland, Oregon to pick up this specific piece of art. When she opened the tool it was like a Ninja master twirling his numchucks. Quick and beautiful.
She was helping me with a refrigerator repair when we owned the coffee shop. I was on the top of our industrial grade 3 door refrigerator changing out a condenser fan motor and trying to do it in a hurry before everything in the refer spoiled. I asked her to get me a pliers and she opened her Schrade and handed it to me. I put it on whatever I was trying to hold and put the death grip to it. Plink. One of the jaws on the plier just freaking broke. Just like that, plink.
I knew if I was ever going to get laid again I needed to replace that tool. I called Schrade and they allowed that the thing was lifetime guaranteed and all I had to do was send it to them. I did. Next day air.
Two days later I got the call that they weren't going to repair the tool because of obvious abuse. I may have gotten just a tad belligerent (the prospect of lack of sex forever had already taken hold of me) and not only would they not repair they wouldn't even sell me a replacement to send.
Just by way of saying it could have been worse :)
Aw man. I haven't even heard of Schrade in the world of multi-tools. I was about to Google it when you were describing it but for to the sad ending. So yes, it could have been worse.
This thing she has gotten me doesn't even have a brand name. I swear, one of the knives on it is not even as sharp as a butter knife!!
!ENGAGE 40 !
ENGAGEtokens.Many years ago, I worked in the audio production industry. My main role was getting the cables from the stage to the TV production trucks. Everyone who worked in this field had a Leatherman. Not, a multi-tool, a Leatherman.
I'm pretty sure that even on the closed-set stages, with the Prime Minister in the back, as I approached the security, all I'd need to do is look confident and have a Leatherman strapped to my belt and they would have waved me in. Had I tried the same with any other multi-tool, I'd still be in prison, playing the role of a multi-tool to a bunkmate named Bubba.
... and Happy Birthday!!!
Hahaha!! Oh yes indeed. What an image!!
I have been half a man since I lost mine. The number of times i have actually mentioned the word Leatherman to her. I'm convinced she is up to something and it surely must be a deliberate attempt to goad me!! :0D
It's a tool. Aren't they all alike? Multitool = Multitool?
Oh my God?! You blaspheme!! How can a multitool be a multitool when it is made out of plasticine and wasted dreams?!
I am glad you cannot hear my sniff of disdain for it is mighty in its sniffery! ;OD
Haha!U am so sure your sniffery is of the finest! You haven't swapped it out with the real deal yet??
Happy heartbirthday XD
Does wifey know about multitools? Because given prices and things it's the easiest thing in the universe to assume that oh well they're all the same just this one is cheaper XD
I think you have good the mail on the head there. To her they are all jumbo penknives!! They kind of are, lol.
She will still burn in hell though... HELL!!! :0D
gloats in Leatherman Wave
But seriously, surely you can at least get a decent Swiss Army Knife for something like 20 quid, right?
You can get not bad ones for buttons but this thing. It's pants. It seems to be made of pretend steel. I dread to think of using the pliers!
Damn you, the wave is a beauty!!!
And discontinued, alas.
You can still get them. I fancied one but cash is a tad tight this year, sob
It is not just any multi tool, for Pete's sake! This is a work of muscular art. It has male stamina written all over it.
"What can it do what any other multi tool cannot?", She will ask. And then you just shake your head and mumble "Ach, ach, ach, lass, ach, ach, ach, just hold it, grab it, feel it and you will know."
Using this and never ever viagra would have even be invented!
No Sir, no need for that when a man has had this kind of thing in his hands.
Oh, and a happy birthday mate, may at least as many more follow!
Cheers! 🍻
Hehe, cheers mate!
That's the very fellow, only in silver. It reeks of mannity!! It doesn't even do as much as some multi-tools but it has grabbed my man heart by the Humphreys!!
And it's only 80 euro this one! 😎👌
With looks like this, it does not have to do as much as the others!
Now, all of a sudden I crave for a strong beer. 🍺
Ah what the heck, it is still weekend, to life!
It still is the weekend. That makes it ok to crack open a frosty devil!! :0D
It a total bargain. Although they have done that cheaty thing they do with the prices if it is 80 euros because it is also 80 pounds!! Cheeky monkeys!
Them bastards! Just spotted the Coyote on Amazon, that is more of a tough looker than the silver one. And you are right, they do the 'same price' in Pound as in Euro. 🤔
The coyote looks like it bites!!
. Yeah, that price thing has almost put me off slightly. Chancing bastards. I am not an apple fan by any means but they do the same and it sucks ass!!
Had a look at the knive too, same bitefull style, less costly, can take a beercap off! Now that had almost buy it right away, hahaha. Like the skeletool theme a lot. And the Coyote style makes it near perfect.
Now, how do I sell it here as a bare necessity... 🤔
"Hon, I really need this coz..."
Well, I'll buy it at Amazon, of course, pay for it with Cryptos, using Bitrefill, that might sell it. 😄
Nope, she knows me way too well. And it is not my birthday yet. 🥴
requires translation XD
why not sneakily order a leatherman and just as sneakily dispose of the multi-tool
I mean, for the missus all those things look alike I would think, just like all those different creams women put on their face look alike to us men...
I have thought about it. I am thinking about it. Of course, I could but the Leatherman and never let her see it and keep the other one for show!! That might work!!! :0D
Geez! You can even have them in GREEN!
Ooooo!! I like it!! It's not quite coyote but yeah, its a lovely looking beast!!!
This part got me laughing really hard, lol. I enjoyed every bit of the story, happy birthday. Sorry you didn't get the gift you were expecting
I did like that bit very much myself!!
Cheers!!
Cheers to you too, enjoy the !wine and have a good week ahead
What's a weekend without wine! Cheers for that :0D
Thank you so much
ditto
I had to google this as I didn't know what it was.
Now looking at it from the Good Lady's point of view.. a multi-tool is the same thing. Is Leatherman some brand that's the Audi of these things..? Still no wiser!
The Audi of multi-tools it is. Everything else is but a mere shadow of them. Including the fucking donkey of a multi-tool I am not the proud owner of!
So what you have is the 'rusty Lada' of multi-tools, or simply a Vauxhall Corsa? Cheap but does the job...
I don't even know if it will do the job. I think I could make a better one out of plasticine. It's becoming quite difficult to maintain my fake appreciative smile!
use the knife and what u learned from heath ledgers batman ... jussayin
It's as sharp as jelly. I have no chance!
This is like when someone gives you a knockoff DVD from Asylum Films or some other mockbuster instead of the proper movie thinking they are the same thing. Unconscionable. Inexcusable.
It's like one of those bootleg DVDs that have been filled with a camcorder!!
Haha, I'm getting the picture!
I don't know what your equivalent brands are in the UK, but if you love your kids, you give them Crayola crayons, not Rose Art. You get proper LEGO, not Mega Blox, and definitely not "Best Lock" or some no-name imitator made from Chinesium. This is the same principle!
hehehehe, chinesium XD
imma have nightmares of a suntrontool now. thanks :'(
Hahaha, I am sure it will be coming!! The scam master can't resist an opportunity!! :0D
It is a beautiful story. Thank you @meesterboom
You're welcome!! Cheers!
Note: it's not my birthday today!! Today is hearts day!!
Hahaha, I fell for it. Just noticed it is the 14th... Already wondered why all those hearts appeared everywhere.
I know, I was a day late with my birthday twoddle and realised I had run right into the 14th!!!
It is all caused by the madness still going on.
At least there is still beer, hazzaaa!
Ouch! And this is why many people prefer cash for gifts lol
what is .... cash? XD