Take Down

in #life2 months ago


You know, before my slipped disc, I used to do MMA. Might be blowing my own trumpet but I was pretty damn good.

Prolapse lifted his pint of beer up from his bulging belly and took a sip to prepare himself for another epic tale of derring-do from the golden years before his slipped disc.

It was a school night and astonishingly, we were in the pub drinking beer.

Our offshore partners from America and India had crossed the pond for a visit and we had been summoned to an official meet and greet.

This being Scotland meant trooping down to the pub.

I approached El-Jefe and suggested that surely our guests deserved a wee nip of a fine malt as an introduction to Scotland.

El-Jefe had almost spontaneously ejaculated at a half-decent excuse to splurge his company credit card and with a mighty wobble of his toad-like chins had headed off to the bar to order.

I had then repeated this with every other company card holder I could find and soon we were drowning in what seemed like a never-ending barrage of whisky shots arriving on trays.

Many hours later, there were only some six or seven of us left standing around a pile of laptop bags and jackets.

One of the Indian chaps, D'artagnan was weeping and mumbling to himself that he would miss his wife.

I hoped that the use of the past tense was a language issue and not a notice of intent to kill himself when he got back to his hotel room.

After all, whisky is a primal beast. Too much of it and it can make you want to fight, shag or die.

What about you, Boorim? You never fancied the martial arts?

Prolapse smirked at me as if watching two hamsters lighting a match.

I looked up from my drink which I had been enthusiastically swooshing round and round whilst imagining I could hear the screams of the dead.

Yeah, did all that shit when I was young. It's good to keep fit but kinda impractical.

I shrugged my shoulders as if impersonating an American impersonating an Italian.

Prolapse sputtered some of his eighth whisky onto his beard.

Impractical? Seriously? Listen. There is nothing impractical about some MMA guy taking you down to the floor if you mess with him.

He made a wide swooping motion with his arms as if pretending to be a fat windmill.

Another whisky arrived and I made sure to give it a right good sniff before answering.

Well, if some dude tried rassling me to the floor he might get a bit more penis inserted into him that he had counted on.

I took a long warming sip. Ahhhh.

What the hell man? Penises? What?

Prolapse looked confused and ever so slightly upset. Perhaps recalling the glory days before his slipped disc when he could see his penis without a complex series of mirrors and the James Webb Telescope.

That's the way it goes baby girl. Get me on the floor and you will find yourself on the wrong end of a boomster's penis.

I waved my now empty glass at El-Jefe who blearily waved back and motioned to the bar staff for more.

No, no no. I am talking about fighting. Martial arts. Before my slipped disc, I would have taken you down just to show you how effective it can be!

He downed his own whisky and tried to look manly whilst stifling a whisky cough.

You would have taken me down?

I raised an eyebrow.

Yeah man, straight to the floor!

He windmilled his arms again as if attempting to reduce his own carbon footprint.

You would have tried to get me to the floor for a good penising?

I made a face as if someone had passed me an acorn.

What no?! Man. Get your mind out of the gutter. No, I mean fighting. Like MMA? Not like that?!

Prolapse shook his head so hard his boobs jiggled.

I reached out a hand and patted him on the shoulder.

Listen mate, I am flattered but I am not really into that.

I headed over to the bar to join El-Jefe

Howshit going, Boom-Dawg. You behaving yourshelf?

El-Jefe peered at me through narrow drunk eyes.

Boss man, you can count on me.

I punched him playfully on the shoulder and pointed to Prolapse who was glaring over at me. I waved to him cheerily before muttering in El-Jefe's ear.

See him over there, he says he could take you...


Yikes! Not just MMA, it sounds like some "sword fighting" as well 🤣

Touche...or is that 'touch'🤣

🤣🤣🤣 Good one!! Indeed a bit too much touch!! LOL 🤣🤣🤣

Sword fighting, hehe. YEs indeed or the ancient art of Escrima which literally translates as Pork Baton fighting!

Prolapse 😂 If he tried taking you down to the floor, that would be his fate, huh? 🤣

Heh heh, it would have been! Mibbeb one is them anal roses!!

Makes me shudder actually, yurgh!!

The threat of a good penising deescalates most situations I find.

It does indeed. I am just waiting to be in a bank when it gets robbed so I can become famous for it! :0D

when he could see his penis without a complex series of mirrors and the James Webb Telescope.

Thankfully there was no beverage in my mouth when reading that or I might have spurted it onto the screen.

The true reason for the James Webb revealed!! :0D

🤣 trying to get your old friend in trouble?

This post has been manually curated by the VYB curation project

Vyb!! Woohoo, I still have a dod of that!!

I do like to cause a little trouble when it drinking. Mostly harmless trouble... :0D

Yeah, the VYB curation also comes with a healthy amount of POB too :) ...

Harmless? It sounds downright necessary plus painful, for him to stop bragging 🤣

He was relentless with it. It seemed that before he had a Skype disc he did everything that was possible to do. There was a stench of bullshit to his words!!

It probably stunk up the whole room 😂 Some people need a slice of humble pie!


Agreed!! And I love to give em some! Lol

Hilarious! Man, that was a quick leap from a simple MMA takedown to penetration. Musta been the whiskey talking. It reminded me of the parking lot scene from Bad Santa. Lol.

Haha, that was a great scene!!

It was definitely the whisky talking, the night descended into chaos. I am still suffering the after effects!!

Ugh, my head aches just thinking about it. My 51 year old liver isn't a resilient as it once was.

Mine is a year younger and not in the least resilient any more! I normally steer clear of spirits but since lockdown I seem to have developed a hankering for them again. Blegh.

Jesus, hangovers are bad now. Watching Peaky Blinders somehow renewed my thirst for Bushmills Black Label, the power of suggestion I guess. I only drink it during the colder months though. Most of the time it's a glass of wine or a good IPA.

I love a bottle of wine and a nice IPA to, especially in the sun.

Isn't peaky blinders an amazing show? It is one of my favourites from recently

It's one of my favorite streaming series of all time, it's just so well done. The feature length film is going into production now too from what I've heard.

Oh, I didn't know that! A film to follow. That will be magic although I did think that they ended it on quite a splendid note. It is definitely one of my favourites. Got a hankering to watch it again!

whisky is a primal beast

Oh yeah. My man loves a whiskey but when we first met I was horrified who he became on too much of it. It was like a switch went off. Say what you like about wives - they do come on handy for helping you know your limits and stop you being a whiskey twat.

In fact, whiskey was kinda how we met. He'd drunk too much, got bolshy, and was beaten so badly he had to recover at his sister's on the other side of country. That's where we met.

These days a whiskey must be a very good one, enjoyed in absolute moderation.

An enjoyable read as usual. Sounds like the guy needed taking down a peg or two. Funny though, men who brag like that are usually incredibly insecure in themselves or are holding onto an identity that no longer exists without trying to find a new one.

Oh he was an insecure one, defo!!

I knew as I uttered the first penis and he flinched that I had him :0)

It really is a beast in those respects. And it has to be respected or the madness happens. What you have recounted above sounds grim but at least it did lead to the two of you guys meeting!

Can't imagine that amount of whisky, two beers or half a bottle of wine are my max these days, haha! I hardly drink, nowadays, but your binge drinking sure led to a hilarious story! Can't help but wonder if you really said these things to that guy ( including all the penis talk ) :^)

Oh yes. I can generally be quite foul mouthed when trying to entertain but when I get drunk I become a little incorrigible. It's not stop penises and vagina talk!!! :0F

See, in girly setting this all different but heck I love a good work night out with more than awkward too drunk people who have to be in full suit afterwards again.

That was definitel the funny bit as they were all a total state today. I mean, I was too but I have become quite expert at looking unaffected 🤣

hahaa you're always stirring the shitpot and rightly so. Umm..sometimes a good whiskey makes you want to fight, shag and die all in the space of a few minutes lol

I do like a stir!!

Umm..sometimes a good whiskey makes you want to fight, shag and die all in the space of a few minutes

Hahaha!! That's probably the best way ever to describe it!!

I'm not sure but in the thumbnail it looks like that guy is licking your knee....is there more to the story??🤣

I always like to cut a story off before the end.

It did all get a bit hazy!! Haha

Lmao 😂

Don't let him take your back 😆

I will be on guard. I won't let him take anything!!

Maybe you just need a few more whiskeys to loosen you up a bit...


I think I have had enough for many days!

El-Jefe had almost spontaneously ejaculated at a half-decent excuse to splurge his company credit card and with a mighty wobble of his toad-like chins had headed off to the bar to order.

hah ahah ahah ahha ha ha

See him over there, he says he could take you...

Quality finish, El-Jefe won't have liked anyone saying they could take him!

Aye, he works have taken them down to the ground in a slimy toad sexy way!! Bleurgh


I like your way of writing. Maybe one of my old Indian colleagues named 'Dikshit' was one of them?

Oh man, sadly not. We do have a Phani though which is unfortunate because fanny in Scotland means vagina! :0)

Hahahahah 😅
Poor Prolapse you've pricked his manly ego with something as blunt as a penis 😂

He will still be stewing over it I expect all the way back to the States!! :0D

Hahahaha. He better not be a Southerner because I've read good researches and analysis that show how much hot temper people from the Southern part of the States can be, that many things Northerners would laugh about Southerners would want to brawl about 😂.

Ah whiskey now that’s some dangerous shit! Especially with coworkers lol. Pretty soon you’ll be talking about penises and taking people down.. lol

That's the only way to deal with co-workers!! Will, the offshore partner ones, there not really real co-workers! :0D

See him over there, he says he could take you...

Beautiful ending, LOL!

I wonder if I can get away with saying *"you want a good penising" *next time my life is threatened on the street. That may/may not be confusing for the populace here.

The Indian guy, maybe it's a third thing, where he took his wife out already and will miss her for that reason.

Kudos to you on your strategy for a multi-faceted approach to perpetual drink deliveries. Now why did I not think of that one?

It might work. A good penising transcends boundaries!

Sorry, I had started this response earlier then got bombarded by a million comments from some random beard!

The company are plain daft allowing many holders of the golden cards on one night out. It is begging to be abused :OD

"A penising" got added into something I said last night already and well, the response was "What's that?", to which I linked the person to your post so they could really appreciate the source....gotta see the full story in glory.

Sorry, I had started this response earlier then got bombarded by a million comments from some random beard!

A random beard?!! LOL! Btw, are you trying to pull off a Canadian impression with the use of "sorry"? Sorry, but every time I hear someone say sorry, it's my first thought, eh. 🤪

That sounded like a golden opportunity, all those cards...definitely begging to be abused. I admire the skill. 😁

A random beard. I have no idea where I pulled that term from but it just seemed very apt.

The card skill is one I learned from an old gnarled timer who used to depise socialising with his workmates but loved getting drunk for free. Fuck, I hope it wasn't me come back from the future!

I like random beard. It resonated this morning when I saw this, something I cannot accomplish.

That card skill....Canadian corps are way too controlling....only one credit card is used at outings. That said, there are ways to add to it, but no platters of drinks round after round. I saved the serious drinking for the monthly partner paid outings at the law firm. No limits on drinks, just a matter of how much you can get down within the allotted time period.

Lol @bitchute! They do have a fair old selection of videos! Someone is always pushing that Tavistock stuff in the comments too!

Our page and indeed the late place I worked at are/were quite lax with it. They were crazy strict on accepting hospitality from other people but when it came to spending on the company card they are ridiculously lax about it. Which can be awesome but not for the head the next day!

That one caused an experience of cognitive dissonance, while spontaneous flashbacks of the circus beat my brain. I should admit here that I've been saving my hair every time I cut it to make my own beard. It's going to take a while because I want it to be ZZ Top style.

It sounds like a penising card contest. Yeah, the head the next day, shudder.

I used to save the hair from my head when I shaved it! I made amusing goatee beards and Robson's booking beards to giggle at. I think I only stopped because I did myself getting quite allergic to my own shaved off locks! I hope you don't suffer the same!

I like to bring up that the ancient greeks always competed nude in the Olympics.

In fact, the torch was to symbolize the mighty penis.

Then walk away. It's a half truth, but after a couple of drinks it'll take them a while to figure out which fact is true.

Yeah, that is the joy of saying things to people that are pished is that they don't have the wherewithal to think about them and dispute them!

"I hoped that the use of the past tense was a language issue and not a notice of intent to kill himself when he got back to his hotel room.".....

THAT made me laugh !

El-Jefe really asked you if you were behaving ?? He really must have been snookered if he thought you might behave. 😂

Always the (fun) trouble maker aren't you?!

He likes to act fatherly when he is out as if he is responsible for his flock. Which is kinda hilarious because he ends up getting so pished that he makes an arse of himself.

Unline myself who always acts with aplomb, lol!!

LOL !!

It was quite hilarious how you acted as if you were taking Prolapse's meaning wrong and not allowing him to correct it.

Aplomb.... that's it, you are quite full of aplomb ! 😂

I felt that the best way to argue with idiots is to ignite what they say and carry on with what I want to say :0)

Aplomb is a great word isn't it!

Better be careful who you threaten with the wrong end of a penis.. could be one of those sissy boys that's pretending to be a girl..

In that case, it would be their lucky night, lol!! :OD

Maybe yours too...

Lol, that would take a lot of alcohol!

Are ye Scottish or aren't ye?

I fucking hope so, it would explain the madness!

I reckon it looks like this..


Hahaha! That so reminds me of another conversation I am having right now!

For a moment I thought you were the one who liked to grapple sweaty men. I've done some judo and aikido, but more as a mental exercise than to beat people up. I've got a whisky post or two to write up soon. Nobody got that wound up during the sessions though.



I am choosy in my grappling!

I think martial arts are great but I hate people who think that they are the terminator having done one.

Look forward to the whisky post, I refuse to believe it didn't all go bananas... :0D

Like every fat lad in Ireland is mad into the rugby because they nearly "made it" back in the day. They did in their bollocks

Haha, you get a lot of that here but with the footy. Big bellied mofos knocking back the Guiness saying they had a trial for Rangers/Celtic when they were twelve and everyone oohing and aahhhing. You think, did you fuck and what happened??

But the trails were on up in the top field. Everybody could have went. Jimmy the limp, Timmy with the lazy eye. Fat Johnny. They were all rejected but yet they still got a trial. It's like someone getting laughed off stage in the x factor and telling everyone they got to the final.

It's like someone getting laughed off stage in the x factor and telling everyone they got to the final

It's totally like that. I was in a banner and it's like making out I was in U2 or something, lol

when he could see his penis without a complex series of mirrors and the James Webb Telescope.

LoL! JWST has not been created for such a "small" subjects 😁

I am sure they wouldnt be averse to helping a chap out, :OD

...without a complex series of mirrors and the James Webb Telescope.

This line has been saved. For nefarious purposes. !PIZZA

Hehe, I chuckled myself when I wrote that!

This is all good and well, penising, yada yada blah blah blah, but I want to see the face you make when someone passes you an acorn. It must be something special to behold.

It's a fearsome and yet mysterious sight!! :0D

Lol, there's a fucken line?

There fecking better be. This shit is quality!

I heard there's a VIP line and a list...I'm not sure what one needs to do to get onto the list though. 😳

Aye, that might not be the line you want to be in! 😜


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It was all the fault of the liquor, some people fight or pick a fight when they drink too much, others are the most beautiful haaaaaaaa others like to sleep on tables and this man thinks he is a martial arts fighter haaaaaaaaa, well, you had a good time drinking and that's the important thing.
Hey, working out is nice, but impractical because you don't drink liquor no, no, no, no, etc. haaaaaaaa but I'm fit :)

I do love a good time drinking!

And teasing the lumpy old ex martial artists :OD

They are not a minority!! :0D

Lol! You meant me? Fuck sake, try to be a bit clearer in future.

That's right sister, since 1932!

Yap yap yap. As I said, you remind me of my ball-less dog.

In a good way