What in the name of Johnny Fuck!?
I bellowed in horror.
Before me, one of our cats waddled past, all but quacking like a duck.
Daddy-Bear, language!?
Admonished the Good Lady, her face puckering up with distaste as if discovering her slippers were woven from dogs arse hair.
Did you see that
I exclaimed, pointing at our lardy cat with disbelief.
What??? Oh... Oh, Shady, are you having trouble with the door. Let me get it for you.
The Good Lady whinnied, trotting over to the door which Shady, with a massive paw, was attempting to open.
She can't open it cos she's a fat bastard.
I said grimly.
Oh, Daddy-Bear. Don't be so mean!?
The Good Lady pulled the door open and we watched as our barrel-like lady cat tried in vain to look sophisticated and mysterious as she hauled her massive hind bits out into the hall.
It's the Corona, isn't it?
I asked with my jaws clenched.
The cats had not been getting out as much since the Virus had struck, I had noticed. I had no idea why, I mean, the back door was always open and that's not a euphemism for naughty canal rides.
As my cat's gargantuan arse slid out of view I mentally spat my imaginary baccy at a non-existent bucket near the sofa and shook my head with a combination of contempt and regret.
She was to fat to live. It hurt to say it but it was true.
With a heavy heart, I realised she would have to go for the long sleep.
There was only one problem. I couldn't possibly go to the vets with all this Corona shit flying around? I mean, trap myself in a tiny room with robed men and probey instruments? No thank you.
I'd have to do it myself.
Oh well, who said being a man was all hookers and blow?
I nodded resolutely, gazing off into a distance only I could see. A distance where the bodies of my slaughtered for their own good loved ones lay around me like crudely hacked logs.
What will be will be.
I turned my attention back to the matter at hand.
The cat. The cat who was fat.
How would I tackle the humane slaughter to come?
An idea came quickly.
I could shoulder charge her from the side in the garden and once she crashed to the floor, gut her like a fish, as if it were that bit in Empire Strikes Back where somebody cuts open a Snow-Kangaroo's belly and sheltered in its guts to avoid freezing to death in a blizzard.
Yeah, exactly like that only with more blood but less lightsabres, snow and sheltering.
My face shimmied like the fat on an under-nipple as I recalled the hippopotamus-like exit of one of my once loved cat from the room
It hurt but it would have to be done.
Suffer not a fat cat to live they say.
Damn. This Coronavirus will leave scars on us all.
[starts taking notes for later on writing the movie script describing how the 2020 panpanic sent good men like Boomy batshit insane]
It's happening! I am going bananas!!
I have Corona in my calf. Or at least I assume so because there is no other possible explanation for why it would hurt. See there was a cough, kind of pitiful early in the day when I doused an omelette with pepper- completely besides the point of course, then I was a bit short of breath and when I came back down the two flights of crooked and cracked stone steps there was a pop and a sharp knife like pain- I really must tell them that they are missing a couple symptoms on their list- and now, Corona leg.
Oh my god !! You are victim zero! Or Corona Mary or Captain Corona or something! It all starts with the leg they say. alert the authorities! Or the Deep STate. this is truly how it all beginS!!!
;O)
There's nothing else for it, the leg must come off!
Tear it off. nothing else will do!
And just who's to blame for the fat cat's corpulence??? The task of termination should fall upon the fattener!
You are right. The good lady will have to go to the mud too!! ;0D
You see, being old accrues wisdom... when I was a kid, rainbows were black & white.
I heard this!
Of course, when I was young, there was just rain. ;OD
I mean, the back door was always open
My favourite character from Family Guy!
Well I suppose euthanizing one's cat is as entertaining as any number of 'new at home entertainments' we 'shut ins' have devised. Though you might want to follow more the 'spit bucket/spitoon' and order up some 'chaw' why not aquire a new habit whilst being "at home".
I love affixing what was once the moniker of old maids or as of yet 'unmarried daughters' to we lock-down lot... We are "at home".
Anyway, for me I'm honestly mostly 'at home' about the same time, though to-doing now is more spread out so when I return with the car laden down with weeks provisions I feel a bit like I'm heading from the Depression Dust bowl in some Grapes of Wrathian way.
Carry on all "at home". :)
Hehe, I am quite surprised at the lack of adjusting we have had to do.
Mostly parenting robbed us of our gadding about and having fun days so now it just means we can go out that tine bit less.
I do like that at home thing heheh
I could do with a new habit. I will find me this chaw! :OD
Shaaaaaame - fat cats and people all have a place in this world. Don't you dare touch that cat :)
Heheh, I wouldn't really. I was shocked though, She is normally such a skinny wee fit thing!
She has my sympathy ... that is what people will be saying behind my back now with menopause and this lockdown hahaha
They will not, lol!
Have you been watching the latter episodes of 'Game of Thrones' recently? It's all in the eyes!
Lol. I watched them when they came out. 8 loved that show, even the much maligned last season!
ctto