Waaaggggghhh!!??!
I ran into the house from the garden, past the Good Lady, screaming and waving my hands in the air like those weird inflatable things you see outside car showrooms.
What in the hell has gotten into you?
The Good Lady asked in a manner that was far too calm for the situation at hand.
Death beast!!! DEATH BEAST!!
I gasped as I flung myself behind our sofa where one of my secret knives was hidden.
If I could only reach my knife, I might have a chance against the DEATH BEAST. I fumbled with the metal box in which it lay hidden.
What the funkz...It was gone!?
Slowly I lifted my head up from behind the sofa to find the Good Lady staring at me, her head tipped to one side as if she wasn't quite believing my famous story about foreskins.
Hey. Have you seen my secret knife?
I sputtered in a miffed tone as if one of the children were playing U2 on the stereo again.
You mean the dangerous, not sure it's entirely legal in this country, knife that I put safely away in the garage because we have children and stupid Daddy's shouldn't be leaving such things about where kids can reach?
The Good Lady sounded awfully stern.
Um. Yes. That the very one.
I smiled the smile that my mechanic smiles at me when he tells me that the bushes on my front wheels need replacing.
It didn't seem to work.
Why the hell have you got a knife like that in the lounge!?
The Good Lady barked.
It's my secret knife in case intruders get in the house. You know, so I can defend us all?
I stood up to save my poor old knees which were getting achey from all the DEATH BEAST hiding I was doing behind the couch.
Are you seriously telling me, you keep a 'secret' knife behind the couch in case intruders get in and you have to defend the family!?
The Good Lady's voice had become quite shrill and squawky as if she had never heard of anything so preposterous.
I mean, it wasn't preposterous at all. Doesn't everyone keep secret weapons stashed all around the house for such an occasion?
I opened my mouth to defend myself further but the Good Lady was on a roll.
And what the hell is this mysterious death beast you were shouting about!?
She tapped her foot randomly out of time like a jazz guitar player.
Oh. Ahem, yeah. It was a bee. You know I'm kinda scared of them...
A bee.
She shook her head then frowned.
And wait a minute. What if the intruders come in downstairs but you are upstairs... what good is your secret knife then!?
I made to speak then suddenly clamped my mouth shut.
Wait... You don't have more stashed about the house do you?
The Good Lady's suspicious gaze drilled into me.
Hell baby, of course not. That would be nuts. Wouldn't it?
I held my arms up and to the side as if weighing an elephant's boobs.
Hmm...
The Good Lady harrumphed before stamping out of the room shaking her head.
Once she was gone, a mad cackle bubbled up from deep inside me.
Oh yes, that would be completely nuts...
A flick knife or switchblade from Spain? I smuggled both back to England years ago, wouldn't dare now! The shit you do when you're young.
Haha, this one is a butterfly knife, the proper flicky kind that is indeed not very legal. I have both add you have said, from Spain bank in the heat days of youth!!
It's totally unthinkable now!!
What the hell crazy kind of layout do you have in your house, you should only need a weapon "by the bed" (I have three by the bedroom door because it's near one of the access points anyway) and wherever you spend most time XP
Better yet just be a weapon, much easier than having to secret them all over the house XD
Also you better be anaphylactically allergic to bees with that kind of reaction XD
I hope you're not actually allergic to bees and are just a coward as one of those things is funny and the other bad XD
How was a knife going to help in this scenario anyway? o_O
Also I really shouldn't have read this while J was in a work meeting. My chest now hurts XD
I am an utter coward when it comes to bees and wasps, I think I am not allergic. I world have to be actually stung to know :0D
I've got weapons everywhere and of course, I myself am the ultimate weapon! A flailing fury of fists and feet!!! Raaaar!!!
I'm pretty sure I would get slashed with my own knife, I won't lie, so, I will just use my trusty Walther.
Not sure it would penetrate elephant boobs, though.
!tip
See, were not allowed guns!! If we were I would have me a gun!!
Or a rifle, I could sit on my porch with it on my lap chewing some stew and muttering dangnabbit a lot!
Haha! Yes! My favorite word! Then grannie can pass me the jug of hooch and we can break out in song.
Sometimes you have the best of ideas!
Anything involving hooch is fine by me!!
Hehe! Truth, Hooch 'n Beer. The staples in life.
The good lady was a darling.
She is indeed!! A cheeky chika!
Women, dear friend @meesterboom They don't understand us, you never know when you may need a knife, much less when we can be attacked by a bee.
I wish you a great night
One day they will get it and we can ask live happily ever after! :0)
When I first scrolled past the title, my brain saw:
The Sexy Wives of Suburbia...
I thought: What is our Meesterboom up to now? lol!
Lol. I was hoping it would be taken as Secret Lives... But hey, I'll take sexy wives!! :0D
How many do you plan to take? :O
ALL OF THE WIVES!!
Yes indeed, I always believe in aiming high! :0D
Aim high and if you only land on the tit, all good!
Heh heh, for some reason I was trying to think of a bullseye Jim Bowen thing to say there but nothing came!
Nothing? Time for a check-up methinks!
Best line in ages - despite the grammatical error!
Oh dash it, my apostrophe!!
It is quite apt!
:0D
Oh and here I thought you were coming over to the dark side! I have been protesting the use of the apostrophe for ages. We just dont need them. See I bet you knew perfectly well what "dont" means even with out the silly apostrophe!
I am not a big fan of them, especially in words like don't and ain't but usually my phone sticks them in for me. Betrayed by my new phone, damn!
Maybe I should invest in a proper laptop for writing!
Perhaps not wishing to be upstairs while Intruders downstairs
The intruders will wish they were on a different floor that's for sure!!!
A woman like the Good Lady...
Independent and courageous
Strong and doughty with arms like Oak!!!
Hahha... O yea
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One of your proper constables would shit his trousers at the sight of an ordinary American arsenal of cutlery out west. And that's even before the firearms.
@meesterboom a dog
Woof!
Oh sorry dear