Hey Daddy-o, the kids were wondering if you were ever going to get out of bed?
The Good Lady's voice echoed weirdly in my head as if she were really with me and I wasn't hallucinating through my sweat-soaked covers.
Tell them to fuck off.
I grunted, not entirely convinced I was dealing with an actual earthly entity.
For I had been smitten. Cursed. Plagued even. By a lurgy so demonic that I had been holed up in bed for five days sweating like my name was Lord Sweaty McBaws of the clan McSweaty Baws.
There was no answer. The voice must truly have been an apparition.
I grimaced in the dank cavern I had made of our attic bedroom. It was here that I had holed myself up just in case I had had covid. This way I could keep my stinking filth to myself and not pass it on to my beloved family.
I had done little else besides sleep and try to stay hydrated enough that my pee wasn't a rusted jelly that slobbered reluctantly from my Elven Bratwurst.
The only contact I had as time passed was my morning phone calls to El-Jefe to tell him I would not be in. On this last day of the week, I swear he had been near tears with the tragedy of it all.
That tragedy was of course him having to do some actual fucking work instead of plopping it all on to me like we were scat partners and it was short-straw-Sunday.
There was a noise outside my bed. I ignored it, the way that men ignore noises because the only other option is to tromp about with a weapon in hand looking for the source of the noise with deadly intent.
I hadn't had the strength for manly tromping for days.
Right, get out of bed. You have had long enough. It's the bloody weekend.
The moist quilt that had become almost a second skin to me over the past few days was hauled off, leaving me blinking and twitching in the sun like a grub on some freshly dug soil.
What? What is going on? Who? Why? What?
I tried to pull the covers back over me but to no avail as the Good Lady held them in an iron grip. She tugged at them. Her mouth set in a grim line.
Get up. You were up late last night watching TV and eating crisps. You are obviously much fucking better if you can skulk about at night living the life and then crawl back to bed in the morning!
She flicked the quilt like a matador at a bull and I felt myself bellow in response.
But I am ill!!
I rubbed my hands feebly at my glue-stuck eyes.
You also forgot to tidy away the beer cans before you went to bed.
She smirked as she saw me flinch at her words.
I burped in indignation before realising she had a point. Fuck, I must be getting slack in my old age.
It was only two.
I mumbled in a half-hearted defence.
Two, pfft and the rest. Anyway. I am off to work. Get these bedclothes in the wash and get you to the shower. You actually stink.
She shook her head and walked off.
And open a bloody window, honestly, it's like an animal lair up here?!
I pulled myself upright and looked about me forlornly.
You stink.
I muttered so that she couldn't hear.
Then I caught a whiff of something foul.
Alright then. I stink.
And that my friends is where I have been for the past week. I blame getting old!
Does she not know it's manly to stink? It's the culmination of hard work and honest working class graft ......alcohol is also the best way to kill bacteria, why do you think anti COVID gels and hand cleaners contain so much of it?
You should make her watch Jordan thingy videos and and buy her an online science course for her birthday. Another good tip might be to use your time in bed constructively and make the kids some fake ID so they can be sent to the Coop and sneakily buy your weekly Tennant's ration although with it being Glasgow, they might not need the ID.
I offer you every sympathy my friend, get well slowly and best wishes! If life becomes too unbearable , Thailand awaits. If you're NOT a stinky foreigner, you're viewed with suspicion!
I have put forward that very argument in favour of alcohol myself!!
I can imagine her face if I made her watch one of those Jordan thingy dude's videos, she saw one and hates the guy with a passion. In fact it was one of the very rare times she has used the cunt word! :OD
You need ID but if you go to the chemist you can get the Tennents on prescription ;O)
COVID again? I thought the missus' had it so tested her yesterday. One red line but the tests had expired and there was barely any COVID testing juice left.., fucking sell-by dates, and dried up juice.., not good.
Do you mean El-Jefe can do your work? My boss would not have a clue, he's a manager and knows little else.
I dont actually think it was COVID. I like to think it might have been the flu but it was probably more of a bad cold on top of a weekend birthday bender hangover. Still, it got me a week off work!
Haha, he cant do a bit of my job but I end up fielding so much shit for him that when I am not there he has to actually answer folk himself and it ties him in knots because he doesn't have a clue! He did tell me that he aims to retire in the next two years. I wonder if he is aiming to go before he is pushed!
The name you gave him conjures images such as...
Not close I think ... 😀
I think he would cream his kakas if he looked anything like this. More Jabba the Hut than that :OD
Haha...
So THAT'S where you've been, lounging about in the bed.
I've never had a hangover that took a week to revive from LOL ! Nice way to start your new year of life.
Leaving evidence though of the late night sneakery... well... I wouldn't have expected that from you. 😂
Now you have a piled high desk (mailbox?) of work when you go back. You really thought someone else would do it? You know the boss just spent his time remaking the deadlines so you could still do all the work when you go back.
Glad you're feeling better. That good lady or yours sure does have her hands full, doesn't she ?? Single mother of 3. LOL !!!!
Mother of 3 is something she has often said! Of course when she does that Ithrow a hissy fit and stamp off to my room !LOL
I am not looking forward to the pile of emails I will have to return to. But it has probably been worth it for the recovery time!
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Could smell that all the way over here. Thought it was just another toxic spill with a hint of online hysteria though, so I didn't think anything of it.
It was a special kind of ripe. I am almost proud of it but at the same time, awfully glad to be done with it!
Oh. So it's like getting an education. That's cool.
Haha, yes indeed! But without the benefits! :OD
Maybe next time collect the watered down filth in jars and sell it as the makings to one's new life away from work for a week. Take the homeopathic approach; make a killing. As in some might die but you'll also make money. That's a win win win win win.
I like win win win win wins.
I was half thinking of scraping the filth into jars and selling it as scoby - I mean, honestly, I doubt anyone would be able to tell the difference.
Might get some fascinating kombucha flavours though!
Yeah. Like Giardia Grape or Salmonella Sweets.
Women don't understand the suffering that the flu brings to us men nor do they understand that eating chips and drinking beer in front of the TV doesn't mean being healed but only alleviating suffering.
What a world we live in where not even the suffering of a poor affected man is respected.
And what's more, we are asked to eliminate our odors which the feminine knowledge commonly calls stinks, but we know that to be a man, man must stink!
How many barbarities will we still have to witness?
You have all my brotherhood and sympathy, I've been there too recently and I've been singled out as a lazy stinker just for being weak and feverish in bed for a week receiving only consolation from my dear TV series and my beloved beer!
They just don't understand the true joy of lying about and letting that aroma develop!!
The barbarity of it all is almost too much too bear 🤣🤣
Bravo you used the right word, aroma... that's really an aroma and it's right that it spreads around the house.
Hahaha, it looks like you are familiarity if not have already mastered the first step!!
One step after another they are already on the path of the Jedi... use the force Luke!
🤣😂🤣 Gute Besserung!
Danke!! I think is the right language! :OD
lol, sure is!!
I'm on fire!
😂 Fever? Oh dear...
Haha, hopefully that is all done with!
I now feel rather nauseous
I think the washing machine felt the same way! 😀
😂👍
You stink? 5 days in bed will do that to you.
It was a good five days. I think I started to ferment :OD
next time add some pickles.
I could do, that might be good for the fever!!! :0)
Just don't eat them in bed. Then you will really be in a pickle!
Lol!
I learned long ago to never eat in bed. It never ends well!!
True that! :^)
! PIZZA 🍕
Wowww I hope you are well, and I am very sorry that your birthday was darkened a little by Covid or maybe a very bad cold, the important thing is that you are over it, and it is time to return to the ring stronger and with lots of life and health. You are fortunate that you have a family that takes care of you, pampers you, and loves you in those moments when our vulnerability makes an appearance.
Happy 5... and may God bless your life with lots of health, Sir.
I am returning to that ring! I feel much better. I couldn't even hive I felt so wiped out so I am glad it is over and I can return in more ways than one! Cheers milady!
Cheers Mr. @meesterboom Thanks to God, the test has been passed, and you are back in the ring of the greats.💪🎸
I am just happy to be back in the land of the living! hehe!
This phrase, although it sounds like a cliché "life is today and now" we should embrace it even in adverse moments and enjoy, and live every time we wake up, in addition to thanking every time we breathe and see the sunrise even when we go through intense health situations, Mr @meesterboom every "TODAY" is valued much more with more life, health, and love... Receive a big hug of good vibes with my best wishes for you next to your beloved family.
Life is today! I think I get what it means and it is very en pointe!
Due to Corona, when a person has to stay in the room for fifteen days, then the person is very worried and very sad because he does not go out and the most important thing is that he cannot meet his family. Can talk about the way you are doing. Whenever there is a party scene with friends, it is much more fun. If a person eats and drinks too much in a party etc., then the health of the person gets a little worse. After the corona test comes negative, the most happiness is that the person can meet his family.
I didn't even bother with a Corona test this time. I didn't see the point. It is much like any other illness now although I wouldn't go near a person who was in one of the risk groups unless I was sure I didn't have it
You are doing very well if by the way you don't have corona if the air is right then you are keeping yourself away from people.
That's the important bit isn't it? Making sure you don't spread it!!
I wish I could have a beer party, chips and TV night and then call in sick the following day. You really are living the life lol. I'm sure the shower helped you feel loads better, it generally helps 🚿
Weirdly (or perhaps not so weirdly) after the shower I felt 100%! LOL!
Ah so your birthday gift was a little bit of sickness eh? Hope it wasn't a street walker that gave you such a present! Lol.
It's funny how they get with things like that, we are not feeling well but get off your ass you lazy bum! Lol, ignore the snacks that I ate, I think we should be able to enjoy a night before we get back to the grind. The little ones are a devilish motivator to toss us out of bed.
I think a part of my subconscious enjoyed a few days off the kids not waking me up!
All better now, the missus still believes it was hangover related. I blame the streetwalkers 🤣
Post Birthday hangover that turned into an illness?
Get ye to thy shower!!!
It has been suggested, none too kindly b the missus that I did indeed over indulge on the whisky and have been paying the piper perhaps with a bit of a cold.
How dare she!
I've been there ... at least 10 times. :)
It doesn't help that my birthday usually falls on a long weekend. Then you justify it in your head. "I don't have to work on Monday, so I can keep drinking. It doesn't matter that I can't feel my face. Or maybe that's someone else's face... I don't have a moustache ... Why is there a moustache?"
Then, one of your mates brings you another drink and tells the dog to get off the couch.
Yep, thats about the size of it. I always take an extra day off for my birthday at the tail end of the weekend so I get a long one and it just means its one big shitpit of drunkenness and hangovers and they do tend to merge!
What would you do if She Would heard this? Muttering saved you :D
I would have escaped with my wit and sheer handsomeness! :OD
O yes yes you very handsome man ;)
If I don't think so then how can I expect others to think so!!
Couldn't help but think of a so called 'pissenbed' ( literally (to)pee bed ). Had to look it up, woodlice in English, it seems.
Hope the pee bed feels ( and smells ) a little fresher now.
I have to say that I am really enjoying my bath, in my new apartment. Hadn't lived in a place with a bath for years ( just showers ).
Baths!! I haven't had one for ages either. We do have a bath but I never have time to have one.
Lol at pissenbed. It is all fresh now. I am quite looking forward to getting in it again!
POV:
Hqhqhqhq.
I never knew 5 damn days in bed could become this hilarious 😂.
I ain't telling anyone bout someone stink. 🤪 Let's keep this a secret only if you don't shower for... 365 days? We can negotiate that.
I think the max I have ever reached is ten days but we don't talk about that time!! 🤣🤣
First rule of "Stink club"
Hehehehehe.
That's why I am glad I joined da club 😀😀
Ahahaa..when I first read the title I thought it read Tuscan Man. Thinking great! They've gone on holiday to Italy...boy was I wrong lol. You knew the Good Lady wasn't going to allow you to lollygag too long..yet still you hoped! Hope you're feeling better now and for cryin' out loud - go take a shower lol
It was almost going to be Tuscan Man!! When I typed the title on my phone it kept autocorrecting to that and I swithered for ages over changing it. But by then I had already done my post picture and couldn't be arsed faffing with that.
So laziness wins out again!! !LOL
The shower was good. I should have more 🤣
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Careful now...that could become a habit !LOL
Aye, I have to watch that! :OD
What was it, the flu? She could have at least given you the weekend 😂 Glad you are better :)
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Might have been the flu! Manflu perhaps!! I had a fever for a couple of days. It's gone now so I am a happy man nn
I have obviously been out of country for too long - I haven't chucked a sickie for years!!
I haven't had a good one like this for ages!! I see it as a right of my long employment. Till they fire me. 🤣🤣
If they ever do - send them your posts.
Oh man, that would be hilarious!! I can imagine El Jefe taking through them wondering which one was him. Lol!!
Beer and crisps... Haha
You're caught!
I know, I am such a fool! Always always clean up after yourself!
Lol its a good rule to live by.
I usually think I am quite forensic about that kind of thing as I used to smoke and for years the Good Lady had no idea!
Lmao. My grandma smoked in the closet and denied it even on her death bed haha
Ha! Thats great, It seems like people knew! It is a hard thing to hide
Yeah I imagine it would be.
Hahaha, this banter sounds like my Geordie wife's vernacular!
Sounds like your wife has some good patter! :OD
Why aye, proper geet canny like!
Aye man, you must have a rare old time!
Finally. I've been saying forever only real men don't investigate strange sounds outside.
Exactly, it is the essence of real mannity not to investigate those damn sounds. After all, we have all seen the movies, the one that goes outside with a stick gets brutally murdered first!
Hey do you draw straws to see who goes first on Two for Tuesday's?
Duh, it's two for Tuesdays... There are no straws!
Oh I see, a reoccurring alternate start like hopscotch. That's cool. Unlike wet Wednesday's.
Unlike wet Wednesdays indeed. An adventure nightmare!
Gooday.
You might consider keeping some MMS in the house (after researching it and learning how to use it). It works foe most health issues.
i've written quite a bit about Chlorine Dioxide (MMS) recently, including a bit of a rant today after someone called it bleach, but this older post gives a quick summary https://peakd.com/hive-120078/@atma.love/chlorine-dioxide-cures-symptoms-known
Sat Nam
I shall be sure to check it out. I am all for remedies which might not be mainstream but work!
I have not heard of this stuff but will read on! Cheers!
This is just one of quite a few remedies which cost very little yet are highly effective for many if not most health issues. A few more examples are fasting, colon cleansing, urine therapy, magnesium & borax supplementation, FIR sauna. The first three, and MMS (and there are others) even on their own can cure many so called incurable diseases. If you combine a few, then immune system can be so strong ine might never get ill, and can live a much longer healthier, happier, and abundant life as a result.
There are no magic bullets though, and most essential is to deal with our "emotional" blockages, otherwise even if we cure one disease another will come back to poke us to help wake us up. The root cause of ALL dis-ease is the belief in the false sense of I, the cause of all suffering.
May peace be with you brother.
Life is too short to be serious, why not start to throw a slap on someone's face when your are drunk. It will be double fun.
I have always been partial to a bit of drunk slapping!! 🙂
No one will be feel bad if we are drunk and being naughty.
Some might argue with that!
I,am newcomer to this hive family.Nice post
Then let me say Welcome to HIVE!
It is a great place to have fun and meet new people from all over!
It smells. I've smelled worse though, so I didn't think twice about it.
I thought neither twice or more! :O)
I gifted $PIZZA slices here:
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Learn more at https://hive.pizza!
Aaah the forgetfulness that comes with age is kicking in. I !LOL whole I write this but you prob cursing me as you type hahhaha this young mofo should shut the... But I digress
A good shower always makes one feel better, I try to do it once a day even when I'm sick. But something must be in the water, I too have been out with the bug!
Hope you feeling better Boom! Glad you survived at least!
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See? Now you're gettin' the hang of it. You are a quick study 👏
Lol, I am on fire. FIRE I TELLS YA! :OD
😆
Rocking it dude! Stay you 😘
Hehe, I will do my best if you keep staying you! :0)
Hah!
Oh. I've come (and gone) too far to do anything else now.
My apologies in advance 😬
Happy day!
Say when it's the big day so we can come and taunt you some more please 🎂
I might just say so I can get the taunting ;o)
It's okay... we taunt both during and after the fact around here.
Brace yourself
!LUV