I read a very interesting post and it led me to try and understand why we do not want to be like our parents, why we do everything we can just not to be like our parents, why?
When we are young, we want to be just like our parents. For some of us, this feeling is reinforced when thoughts of the future begin to float.
How many times have you been asked what you want to be when you grow up? We assume quite a bit. Sometime in the early years of adolescence, our dreams and aspirations begin to crystallize and many begin to think about the future. Most of us have burrowed with the theme for a few more years.
If you ask this question, children between the ages of 13-15, they will not think twice, they want to be just like mom and dad.
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Time Does Its Work
The main feature of this transitional period is the completion; For a 30-year-old boy, it is easier to get his parents from a 20-year-old child. Time is doing it and we are doing our own, so comes the moment when we decide to stop wasting time and move on, to ignore. They are no longer the same terrifying parents who urged us to do our homework or get back early from the party on Friday or Saturday, which allows us, even more, to look at them with some indulgence.There are many different sides to this acceptance: there is the complete acceptance, which stems from the deep understanding that our parents lived in a world of their own, and not everything was a good name as it is not good for us because of this we stop judging them. We understand them more and accept them truly
There is the partial acceptance, which stems from the fatigue of trying to change what can not be changed. So we accept our adolescent parents, as they are, even though we do not understand everything and do not accept everything.
And there is the fictitious completion, which was always there as living testimony to a parent-child relationship in which the child was never given a safe ground to criticize his parents. Therefore, it seems that everything is good and there is no need for completion. We're actually talking about a situation of lack of acceptance. In these places we will find the children who will choose (by chance?) To live away from their parents, to use them less, to share them less, even though it seems to be all right.
Among all these supplements, at some point, we ourselves become young parents. At first to tiny and incomprehensible creatures, but very soon we discover a child with attitudes and desires, often with positions that are incompatible with our goals. Then we discover the need to set boundaries and expand the definition of the parental role.
Late Reconciliation Mechanism
Our motivation as children will always be to reconcile with our parents. It does not matter if we are 4 or 40 years old. The motivation for reconciliation over the years becomes a powerful driving force and dictates patterns of behavior and thinking. However, as we act consciously and for this matter, we come to the role of parents after real acceptance with our parents - the more autonomous we are to choose the parents we want to be, so we are able to create a new parental role.On the other hand, if the completion was partial or not at all, then the hidden motivation to reconcile with the parents may make us become just like our parents because that is what we know and know. Why? Because of as much as we are like our parents in our relationship with our children, it is a sign that our parents were not so "bad", their actions, those we did not like in the past, are legitimized by reconstructing them in our new relationship with our children. Legitimacy is important for us to reconcile with our parents since it was never really there.
We Saw One Parent, We Saw Them All
I suppose the argument might sound unfounded, so maybe we should go back a generation or two back to those days when the parental role was sharp and clear; We saw one parent as if we had seen them all. And why? Why were they so similar? And how have they been able, like genetic loads, to transfer a single parental role to their offspring?When we understand the conflict of the child who is so angry at his parents, but also wants, above all, to know with full confidence that his parents are good parents who love him, then we understand the strong need for the late reconciliation.
For example, the child may have been beaten by his father and the child may not be suffering from his father. On the other hand, his father is his father and the boy cannot afford not to tolerate his father because then it's like a child losing a father. The only way to solve the conflict is to play the role of father. The way to make peace with your father is to hit your child when every blow is another proof that your father was a good father, and he did what needs to be done.
Of course, beating children is an extreme example and is a customer, I hope, from other times. But think of yourselves, of things you tell your children, or do to your children, and they are exactly the same things you as children did not like to receive from parents. Why? Is it because of what you see from here and that you can not see from there? Or is there something else here (or there)?
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The connection between the bank account and your past with your parents
Did you get angry at your parents? Did you resent them resentful? Do you also carry the sediment from childhood? and try to avenge your parents because of the past? Do you also find it hard to forgive them for what they did to you? If so, look at your bank account. Is a direct result of your relationship with them.My parents, for example, very much wanted me to study in an orderly fashion. And I rebelled against them. Other parents very much want their child to do what they do in life, and run into a wall. You know the phenomenon, most of us rely on their parents financially every month to pay the rent and still we are upset at them terribly.
This anger manages you and leads to economic behavior delusional and divorced from reality. You compensate yourself for the harsh feelings towards them. Take loans on loans and spend money on vacations, on a new car, on smartphones. You are living beyond your financial ability.
But your financial abilities determine your consciousness, and if your mind has phrases like "You cannot", "You're stupid", "You have no chance", "You disappoint me", it will be very hard for you to succeed. So on the one hand, you do not really believe that you will succeed, because your parents told you, and on the other hand, you are behaving as if you have already succeeded in a big way because you are proving to them that they were wrong.
At the end of the day, you get into financial trouble and take your hard-earned money from your parents. They are frustrated with you and you are ashamed of yourself (or not).
Until the inevitable explosion arrives and all the repressed anger, sorrow, pain and resentment come out. Sounds familiar to you?
Anger does not allow us to think clearly, to choose reason, and to be free. We choose, sometimes completely unaware of, partners who do us bad, or work that torments us, just to make them, or to be different from them.
But there is no difference between a man who loves his parents, tries very hard to please them, and does exactly what is expected of him - his brother who is rebellious in his parents and behaves exactly the opposite of what they would like. These two brothers are operated by their parents. Their choices are not free and, in the end, both will suffer.
If you want to be happy, build a home, start a family, succeed in business, realize yourself, I offer you, with all my heart, to deal with the relationship with your parents. Release the emotional weights. And clean up the sediments between you and them. The emotional duties of the past and the holes you have in your soul are the financial obligations of the present and the holes that you have in your bank account.
If you release yourself and what is between you, you can get rid of those sentences that restricted you, forgive them and yourself and fly. Try, you have nothing to lose. Just make a profit.
Until next time, thank you for visiting @nirgf
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Hello dear. Wishing you a very happy New Year! Thanks for your support
Thanks for @gina2017 and happy New Year!
Having my mother alive and with her love I have everything. She is the only thing I need and the greatest and most beautiful, she is everything.
I'm glad to hear that you have a good relationship.
It's fun to have support from parents, having a safety net.
You do not deal with everything on your own, you share the burden.
Thank you very much for sharing @cthkrn
Happy New Year!
Consciously or subconsciously, we look attributes that are parents have in a spouse. We can't escape our parents! That is just another reason why parenting is such an important responsibility.
Exactly, well done dear friend.
This is the most important part
Happy New Year my friend
happy new year :)
i hate my parents when they often advised, now i realize why my kids hates us
like all of us :)
They are no longer the same terrifying parents who urged us to do our homework or get back early from the party on Friday or Saturday, which allows us, even more, to look at them with some indulgence. Lol 😂.
Very nice man
Thanks
I've known friends who are clearly not okay with their parents, but personally for me who has experienced losing one at an early age, I learned to value my remaining parent even more. I mean, yeah, parents can get into their children's throats and vice versa, but at the end of the day, imagine living life without them, growing up without them. It's so easy for some to say they don't need their parents, and maybe there really are some there of which that is true, but humans by nature need someone to take care of them before they are able to do that themselves. So, yeah, of course we also have times we don't agree on what we want, like what field to take, where to work and such, and if we're old enough to go after it on our own, we should also try to help them understand why we want it. My mom was greatly disappointed about a lot of my choices, but after one day of finally crying in exasperation, I was able to make my mom understand and now we're okay. :3 So i guess, my point is, we may think we have it bad, but life is really different if we didn't have them to watch over us to begin with.
Parents "need to" be for us, a safety net.
Regardless of who we are, for better or for worse.
Many individus generalize the behaviors of their parents and fail to reconcile, despite the passage of time, which generates s that this is used in the establishment of other types of emotional relationships
Quite right, it's a topic that can be talked about for a long time
And has a lot of problems that are caused by a "problem" at a young age
Thank you for this post @nirgf. The importance of our parents in our lives can not be overemphasised
The role of the parents is to, love, accept, educate, and direct their children,
to accompany them wherever they may be and to act wisely.
It is important to pay attention to what the child wants,
And what is appropriate for each child in his own right.
As usual, I am the person who does not fit these statements. My mother was a B@#$@ who hated me from the day I was born. I was actually relieved when she finally died. I am completely different and if I ever find myself doing the things she did, I would beat myself. My dad on the other hand, we are opposites also on many things about life, but the ones that really matter, we are the same. My dad is my best friend and while I may not always do what he would prefer, I always listen to what he says and weight it for my personal life to see if it would work before rejecting it.
I feel a lot of pain in your words.
I'm sorry about the relationship difficult and complex that you had with your mother.
However, I am glad that you and your father has created a respectful, loving,
and meaningful relationship, With the understanding that even if your opinions,
thinking, behavior, and choices are different, this cannot disrupt or destroy
the relationship But only to grow and develop within and from it.
I hope that even though your mother get out of your life, and you cannot get Closure together,
You can find or create within yourself comfort, reconciliation, and peace.
Thank you, actually I already have reached those goals and many more. I had to learn that simply giving birth does not guarantee a loving relationship. There are many mothers who should never have allowed themselves to become pregnant. But her abusive ways can only cause me harm if I allow them to and I have decided I will not allow that. I can enjoy life and strive for the stars just as well as anyone else.
I agree with you @fernowl13, you should see what I wrote about the subject of the children
https://steemit.com/love/@nirgf/the-ownership-of-love-childfree
Well written and truthful
https://steemit.com/life/@pope1995/mr-sex-slave-donald-s-story-part-i-boys-alike-fall-victim-to-sexual-predation
Well, from the bottom of my heart, now I would never want to be like my father...and as the days go by, the less I want to reconcile with him. It's sad, maybe, but true.
Being a parent is really hard. Very hard to get a balance in everything but at the end of the day if parents was able to mould the core value of being compassionate and broad understanding even if its not a perfect parenting, the kid will still be a good man or woman.