I've had my share of negative thoughts since I was fairly young, mainly because of stress.
I've been making my own money online working as a freelancer since I was 16 years old, making videos on YouTube, making design packages and selling them online, writing, and other small things.
Money has always been a problem for me and my family mainly because of a bunch of poor decisions, like not saving, spending on useless things, stuff like that.
Stress came back to me every time I found myself not only not having enough money, but also unable to make more, so I can keep up with the spendings.
The worse part is that I chose, and still choose to work in creative fields, meaning writing, designing, 3D modelling, sometimes even programming, even though in small amounts.
As beautiful as a creative field can be, it also has an ugly side, which usually comes from the inability to create something good enough.
Creating, on a regular basis, for a very long time, will consume a lot of your creative resources quite quickly, and when that happens, you're left with nothing else to come up with.
Your mind will struggle to find a good idea, and yet nothing will satisfy you.
The easiest solution to this problem would be to simply accept that good ideas come to you only once in a while, and to just work on the mediocre ones that you have all the time.
That could work, at least for a while, until people realize that you're giving them the same thing again and again. Once they do, they will get tired of receiving the same type of content or the same type of work on a daily basis, and they will leave you for someone more capable.
When all that happens, it's easy to get mad at yourself for not being capable of more.
It's easy to get mad at yourself for not being more creative.
If you use websites like ArtStation, or you just follow artists or people who's work you like, then things will soon get even worse.
You'll see how those people are capable of creating and publishing something new every day, of working on something original all the time, and you'll hate yourself for not being able to do the same.
It's really easy to hate yourself.
Most people do.
Only a handful of people don't.
What I realized, in time, is that treating yourself that way is not only unhelpful, but it also makes things worse.
Your mood starts to go down really easily.
Your energy goes down as well.
You'll stop wanting to work, and you'll want to spend most of your time doing whatever you can to get distracted and to forget about what you have to do.
And what's worse, all this is gonna be really subtle.
You won't realize as soon as it happens, because it happens gradually. You'll start to be a little less excited about things, and maybe people around you will annoy you more than usual.
You'll start to spend more time in your bed, unwilling to get up, unmotivated by anything.
You'll start playing more video games because they are enjoyable, or watching more movies because they "inspire" you, or TV shows because they are "interesting".
And soon you'll get to spend 90% of your day doing unproductive activities, not because you can't be productive anymore, but because part of you doesn't want to.
It's weird, but it seems to be the case for a lot of other people.
The worse you treat yourself, at least mentally, the worse you'll actually perform in a bunch of areas in your life.
That's why I think more people should treat themselves as they would treat a stranger, or even a friend - with the same amount of respect and politeness.
You don't tell your friends or strangers to do something - you try to convince them to do that thing, or you "negotiate" with them, offering something in return for their "services".
You don't insult your friends and strangers, at least not in a serious way, unless you want to be treated in the same way.
You don't stress your friends and strangers with your own thoughts 24/7 , or with your demands or wants and needs, because they will eventually leave.
But you treat yourself that way, and those side effects that I mentioned above, and more, start to appear, in very subtle ways that are hard to notice.
So, the easiest and simplest solution is to start to treat yourself in a nicer way, like you're treating a newly met friend.
Don't force yourself to do something for as long as possible. Remember you need some time for yourself. Set a certain amount of hours for work, and a certain amount of hours for some relaxing activities.
Don't tell yourself you're stupid for not understanding something new, or for making a mistake. You don't do that to others. Either don't say anything, and keep trying, or think "it's okay", and keep on trying. Also, remember to take a break if you need it.
The examples can keep going, but the conclusion is fairly simple - you're a person as well, and mean words, mean thoughts, can influence you as well, even if they come from you.
Treat yourself in a nicer way for a while, just like you'd treat a friend, give yourself more breaks, acknowledge your achievements, think about everything you managed to succeed at, and you'll see, in time, how you'll slowly start feeling better not only about yourself, but about a lot of other things as well.
Some good reminders here, I've been rather harsh on myself these past months even though I am still alive and somehow able to eat and sleep witha roof over my head. When we are unfair and harsh to ourselves we tend to lose sight of all the good things we do have, making it worse as you said.
I find it's more and more about becoming aware of the need for balance. You mentioned your creative hurdles, I feel the opposite way actually: I have not done anything creative in months because I was obsesseing over trading and charting, and that yielded very poor results compared to the effort put in. With just a little bit of effort in that I could have benefitted way more, and would have had the time to pursue creative things as well, in a more balanced way.
And it's funny because it's in the air. These days I realize the same thing you have written here, and it shows up in my feed from all you loveyl people I follow. Check:
https://peakd.com/philosophy/@vieira/the-perfect-push-up-or-the-art-of-doing-less
That's what I get for actively seeking more balance again and trusting that it will get me further than obsessing over a single thing biting my teeth out.
All the best to you in these crazy times!
Sad to hear things have been rougher for you, and I'm glad you pulled through, I hope everything will get better and better for you :)
Balancing everything is indeed the "key" to living better and having a more meaningful experience in general, with life, but I cannot blame anyone for not being able to focus on that balance, especially in these rough times.
You became obsessed with trading and charting and lost sight of balance.
I spent two years working at a job I despised just to get some money and make things better for myself and my family in this pandemic.
We both lost track of balance and obsessed over certain things, with good reason.
From what I experienced in these past two years, I realized that balance is never a destination. You constantly have to seek it, to look for it. And when you finally achieve balance, it is only temporarily within your reach. It soon goes away, when you stop paying attention to it, and then you struggle to find it again.
Also, great article you shared there, really enjoyed it!
All the best to you too! :)
<3
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