I just celebrated some recent freelancing success by buying eight memoirs, because I swear to goddess I WILL do this 100 memoirs project. I will do it because I love reading memoirs, but also because I'm writing one and I don't want it to suck.
Part of the process of writing a memoir, I'm learning, is to own some things about my life that are hard to speak. The things I'm a little afraid to admit.
Oh did you click on this thinking I was going to go all confessional? You get ONE confession. I will share ONE piece of this that I've been grappling with, and that's my relationships with other men before the man who abused me. My MO was to stay too long in a relationship that had stopped working or giving me what I needed, but becoming interested in someone else before getting myself fully disentangled. I did it twice. I was with a guy on and off for four years and just as it was ending, I got interested in someone else, someone I thought was perfect for me. I remember telling my friends, if it doesn't work with this guy, I give up... After five years, it didn't work. Before the absolute and very end, though, I had the feelings for someone else. I was re-entangled before I was disentangled.
Maybe that doesn't sound so bad to you, or maybe it does, I don't know. For me, especially in hindsight, it sounds terrible because I do not want to be a woman who defines herself by who she's dating. I think I was just starting to figure out my MO, to better value my independence, when I fell for the abuser. I told myself, this one is different, I'll jump in too fast just one more time...
He was different all right.
Writing truthfully about my serial monogamy days will, I hope, deepen my readers' understanding of my particular vulnerability to a man who is a textbook charmer-narcissist capable of psychotic violence. But I'm afraid to write it because slut-shaming, because accusations that I'm "one of those women who need a man," because I'm a fairly private person when it comes to relationships with men and writing about this area of my life makes me feel like I'm treading shark-infested water.
That doesn't mean I won't write it.
I think part of the power of memoir is the bond that occurs between the author who is exposing her most vulnerable self and the reader who knows she is witnessing that vulnerability.
Is there something you're afraid to write about, to own, or to share with others? You don't have to share it with me, but you could tell me how you are dealing with it and/or your thoughts on writing our deepest-rooted insecurities and fears.
Two women I'm very close to have the same pattern of jumping from one relationship to the next. One always chose nice guys, but dramatically changed her personality to "fit" with them. Then, when she couldn't fake it anymore, she moved to someone new, often with a lot of overlap and heartbreak. Thankfully, she seems to have found a partner who complements who true self.
The other does the same -- moves from one partner to another. I think it's because she needs them to make her feel good about herself, so when the honeymoon phase is over, she bails. Also, she's a very dramatic person. It breaks my heart because I think both could have found happiness earlier on if they took the time to figure out who they were and what they wanted, and learned to love themselves.
Best of luck on writing your memoir. I look forward to following your progress.
I don't think I ever changed my personality dramatically (Taurus here. I do stubborn like a bull boss.), but I have definitely made choices I might not have made if not "for love." Not that they were always bad choices, either. But taking the time, as you said, to know ourselves and what we want is absolutely vital. It took--and it shouldn't have taken--being bruised by a sociopath for me to realize what I want (and don't want) most. That's the truth I'm writing toward. Thanks for your comment and well wishes!
I am in the process of finding out if I really want to become a writer. I start my second year of a course in creative writing next week, and I'm surprised because I didn't think I would make it into that school in the first place, and when I did I was sure they would kick me out after the first year. But things went really well and so now I'm more scared of succeeding than I was of failing! Because: Do I really want to be a writer??? Do I really want to share things with readers? I don't know. If you want to write something interesting you have to put yourself out there, don't you? I decided that I'm going to work on writing fiction. That way you can let have fictional characters have your thoughts and feelings and dreams en fears. I read somewhere: 'Write about yourself as if it concerns someone else, and about the other as if it concerns yourself.' I think it was Orhan Pamuk who said this. Anyway, I wish you good luck!
What a great quote! Thanks for sharing, and for the well wishes. Best of luck to you as well--I can relate to that feeling of being more afraid of success than failure, but the drive to write, communicate, connect, has always been stronger for me. That's how I know I should keep going. <3
Oooooh this is so important. It's a testing limits issue--sometimes we have to write Beyond where we think that line is even if we aren't going to share. And sometimes we have to share even when it crosses the line.
Sitting with our fear--writing it--means accepting. From acceptance comes release and from their recovery and joy. I think that's why the influx of confessional memoirs on the market now. How beautiful is honesty? That invitation to empathy is profound. Let's all invite others to empathize!
You wild survivor! Your beautiful soul! Thank you for writing this and keep going.
"Write beyond where we think that line is even if we aren't going to share." THAT is profound. I think a lot of people don't do that. I think we stop when we get to the part that makes us feel icky because we intend to try to publish some day. You can cut and trim though! In the context of, say, working out: if you stop when you start to sweat and feel out of breath, you aren't pushing yourself to your full potential. You have no idea how far you can go if you don't get write with discomfort. Thank you for saying that. <3
I really don't think I have anything else left to write about when it comes to vulnerability.
I've written about everything there is to write about. There is some things that I hold back on, that have impacted my life tremendously, but I don't write about them because I feel shame or guilt, only that I know the people that these instances involve still have problems digesting whatever happened, and would probably have me dig my own grave and then shoot me in it gangster style haha!
In truth, mainly because I still have respect for those people, and the less pain I can inflict on them the better :)
I hear what you're saying about not causing pain. I actually just finished Mary Karr's The Art of Memoir and she has a chapter about how to deal with others involved in our stories. Invaluable advice.
part of the power of memoir is the bond that occurs between the author who is exposing her most vulnerable self and the reader who knows she is witnessing that vulnerability. ~ I've been compelled to cover this, rather a lot lately...!
I'm personally not good at being alone. I've tried to overcome this, but as an empath I both thrive on others energy and need the comfort a calm one can balance within me... I have yet to figure out how to be comfortable with no energies around me...
I can relate to that challenge! I am more often depleted by others' energy in person, but can draw strength from their written stories.
Oh wow, that is pretty cool. In fact, quite unique- I have never heard this before. You should write an account detailing this- I would really like to know more in depth!
Hmm, maybe I will........:)
:)