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I’ve been thinking a lot about sexuality, Nikola Tesla, energy, orgasms, intimacy, peak experiences, loss of self-importance, joyfulness, addictions, obsessions, digital life, isolation and the feeling of timelessness.
I've been thinking a lot about desire and what it means, what it symbolizes since I arrived inside Steemit.
Everyone has a different experience of lust, sexuality and connection. Some people are loners, others jump from one person to the next. I have always been the type who took a long time to recover from a breakup. The first time a boy dumped me, I fell into a depressive coma and became a phobic zombie, unable to eat for 2 weeks, and lost like 15 pounds.
You see, I have a fear of intimacy. It scares the crap out me, and always has. Movies always provided with me feelings and I got attached to the way they made me feel. Movies turned into music which turned into drugs. I craved intimacy but was too scared to jump off that cliff.
To make matters worse, I did, in fact jump off the cliff of life, creativity, exploration, life creation, sexuality and intimacy 7 years ago.
But I chose the wrong person. My sexual energies were misguided. The timing was fucked. I chose a psychopath who psychologically abused me senselessly. I had spent the previous ten years alone, and I had forgotten to be aware of the signs of an unstable mind. At that time when I met my ex, I had opened myself up, loved people unconditionally and discovered my creative genius. I put myself into the torrent of energy, and I got destroyed by not being careful:
Being so psychologically burned after such a long life of isolation sealed the casket on intimacy for me.
I became dead.
A sexual ghost.
I've been moving among you humans, but you see, I was just a shell.
Scared of connecting to people. Scared of men. Scared of the possible pain. I could not risk more terror. I brushed up against death by association, and when I discovered that my ex with whom I had been intimate had almost murdered his ex-girlfriend, beating her into a pulp, I freaked. I ran. I wanted to disappear.......The thought that I had chosen a terrible person to mate with was something that almost destroyed me. Suicide looked pretty good at this point.
My energies dried up. I wanted to kill the body of a soul that had been dissolved by fear, pain, shame, regret, terror.
So, instead of killing myself, I decided to remove myself from society, from love, from attachment, from pain.
I went into survival mode, focusing on raising my child. Removing anything unnecessary. Storing up what little reserves I had left, money and otherwise. My world became as narrow as the head of a tiny pushpin. Anxiety became my companion, with pain as secondary fill-in acquaintance.
I found Nikola Tesla during this phase. Nikola Tesla tore open my mind of understanding. He showed me a world that I didn't know existed. A world of energy.
Now it's 7 years later and I've awoken from my coma.
I'm still a bit dead, but at least I realize it now. I'm no longer fooling myself. You see that pizza above my body? That's Steemit.
So, here's why I'm writing this post. I want to discuss what sexual desire and what the prospect of having an orgasm with another person represents to me. I learned this today from Deepak Chopra and another spiritual leader named Acharya Shree Yogeesh. To me, relationships are just the gates to the following things that I think very few are aware of. So badly do I want to feel these things, that I think it's the source of my obsessions:
1. Vulnerability
2. Intimacy
3. Loss of Ego
4. Defenselessness
5. Spontaneous Action
6. Joy
7. Union With Creative Force of Universe And Existence
8. Timelessness
When you have an orgasm or sex with someone, you lose track of time. You feel like you don't belong in space or time anymore. You also lose your ego. You become intertwined with another soul. You become like a light wave, unaware of anything really. We want this transcendant feeling like our very life depended on it. We want to feel needed, desired, accepted. This urge is universal and has been the cause of wars, deaths, murders, self-destruction, etc. It is the fuel of addicts.
Western culture has fooled you into thinking that you can only get these 8 things from sex with someone else. It's used by marketers every fucking second to fool you. And guess what? You've taken the bait. I've taken the bait. I was sort of addicted to the idea that romantic love could solve my issues and bring me to self-actualization and the feeling of bliss.
I WAS WRONG.
It took me seven years and a lot of suffering, isolation, despair, darkness, panic and longing to figure out what I had been missing for my entire life. I did not love myself. And I was scared to expose my deep love for another. I was afraid that I would be destroyed again, but that I would not be able to survive the next one. I equated intimacy with death.
I have had these feelings before of course. But I always managed to fuck it all up. I would come on too strong, get obsessed with someone, and scare the shit out of them. I didn't know how to become a source of happiness, and wait for the good ones to just come to me. I never felt worthy of decent love. Somewhere along the way, I viewed myself as a messed up, damaged person. I realize now, that I am not that.
I can see this clearly now, as something inside has been awakened. I can tolerate myself. I have now reached a point of self-freedom. I now have a lot to offer someone else because I have released myself from dependent love. My energy is generated from within. I can give it freely. I am not attached anymore to things I am unable to control. I am getting that love back. The kind of love for others who are perhaps damaged. Love for people whom I want nothing from. A kind of love I always wanted to understand. A love that is not clingy, a love that is designed for the future. Love has to be reinvented. Love that is dependent upon conditions is not love. It's attachment.
I have managed to deal with my obsessive traits by funneling them into work, writing, art and self-expression. Those things release me from inner hells.
So, yeah, orgasms are just the very beginning feelings of being connected to creative energy. They are the glimmers of hope and light. But, the media wants you to think that they are the end game. They are not. They are the beginning of finding your own internal source of creative energy. The kind of creative energy that exists in the universe and that was responsible for putting you on the planet. Sexual energy is really misunderstood, co-opted, abused and overused in our society. Orgasm is only the first gate that leads to a different world of bliss that few people ever gain access to. But orgasm is just the small light at the beginning. It's not the end game.
Orgasms are nothing compared to finding the secret room that few inhabit. You believe that you will get to this secret room by having sex with someone. I'm sorry to tell you this, you will not. You will only want more sex. You'll go chasing someone else, but you will never find the secret room in someone else. And the people you lust after will continue to slip like sand between your hungry fingers, as the marketers fill their bank accounts with your misguided desire.
I'm crying right now. I haven't cried in many years. It matters. It means I'm alive.
Good day.
If I spilled my guts in earlier posts, I have now enviscerated myself.
The door to my future is free to open now. I'm ready to start building the factory.
So, my question to you is: what will you build?
If you've read this to the end, thank you.
-stellabelle
WOW. talk about RAW.
blown away by the absolute honesty and vulnerability in such open & articulate expression.
sexuality is definitely one of the most powerful forces there is - whether for good or bad.
personally, I've had my battles dealing with it. that charge is INTENSE. and brought up in a culture that paints women out to be sex objects and instil an ideal of the masculine as a dominating sexual beast (while on the contrary, also offering paradoxical perspectives of the ideal man as sensitive & in touch with his feminine side, while the woman is to be prim & proper, and/or self-empowered & masculinely independent) - I was bombarded with quite the confusion of drives...
up until recently - and still sometimes so - that primal heat of sexuality has been governed by the mind's preconceptions - lusting after the mere sight of a hot babe, simply because that's "how it's supposed to be." i never really slutted myself out, but had next to no control over my energetic lust. and i'm surely not alone in playing out these patterns - submitting to primal instincts at the cost of transmutation of this energy into something profoundly masterful.
thankfully, I've been learning the arts of sublimation - perhaps not consciously as much as having just stated the intention that I needed to grow the fuck up, and maturation happening naturally over time. less & less, I find myself distracted by the sights of a beautiful woman. I still appreciate, undoubtedly - though not with the same creepy obsessiveness driven by the ego's hunger for sexual domination.
such a huge topic. not sure if this is coming across coherently, as so many angles to the whole perspective. this is definitely a topic that could be expanded out into great depth with MUCH insight, so relevant and powerful to everyone's life, cultural & societal dynamics, and beyond...
"same creepy obsessiveness driven by the ego's hunger for sexual domination." I still struggle with this. And the theories that make the most sense to me is that by wasting our sexual energy on beings that do not resonate with us, we become weak. I am never denying sexual urges. That's not what I'm talking about. I am talking about energy. So, if you don't mind me getting so personal, this is what I mean:
Ok, so let's say that I'm extremely horny, like really repressed sexually. I'm finding myself attracted to many men. My fantasies are like on overdrive because the energy I've stored up is immense (this is true). I could decide to go out and just fuck someone like a rabbit, and be indiscriminate about who I do it with. (this is what I used to do, after becoming obsessive. I was the sexually obsessive type, which has its roots in a psycho-sexual type of mental construct.....I went to sex addicts anonymous group meetings, and (I know what you're thinking...no, we didn't have sex with each other) I discovered that I have a disorder of fantasy-obsession. When I say "disorder", it means that in place of loving relationships, I have fantasy-fueled obsessions with people who are unavailable. Only through this therapy did I come to understand that real intimacy, and letting someone into my emotional life was terrifying to me. I used the fantasy-obsessions to fill in this void. I also used alcohol to sort of ignite my mad impulses and seduce people because I love the rush of getting to know someone new. It was my main drug.
I lived on that drug for a while. But I was empty. I was letting that drug control my imagination. That is what I mean.
The reality is that now, I can recognize when i become obsessed with someone. I become obsessed WITH THE IDEA OF SOMEONE, NOT THE REAL PERSON. They embody my artistic-energetic-obsessive imagination....I see the signs. I try to step back and not act like a maniac (i try......but i still have this thing). My intense fear of germs sort of keeps this thing in check. It's a crazy mental set up. But I am hyper aware of how I operate. That is the difference.
So as I see myself falling into the vortex of a new sexual and romantic obsession, I let it go. I let it die. I look at reality. I see that I need to become a friend, a true friend. Someone who cares, someone who lets life and love evolve in a natural way, not a forced way. Women and men are more similar than they have been led to believe. I know this! I have dated all kinds of men. They are all different with regards to personality. Some are cautious, very OCD, very weird, some are like canon balls, like totally sexual, others live at the Lazy Boner Ranch, due to doing too many drugs. I have seen a lot. But I don't know how to develop long-term relationships. I did only twice in my life. Both times, I was destroyed. I loved with so much passion, I think it was verging on something from a different century. All the rest of my relationships and short term dalliances were lukewarm substitutes for that mind-melting passion I had twice in my life. I want it back. It needs these things to develop: intense intelligence, imagination, respect, freedom (meaning non-clingy) and both people must be on a similar level. I find it easy to dominate others now because I spent 7 years unraveling and analyzing the motivations of my own mind. I can understand why people kill, why they love, they die, they weep, why they are jealous, insecure, loving, evolved or live in the gutter. I get it.
I'm into games that thrill people. I'm not talking about sex here, but sex could be a little part of it. It's definitely only a side dish though. I'm talking about an amazing life experience based in the imagination, that organic stew of desires that mostly go ignored.
I do amazing and elaborate surreal games that are designed to make my lover sort of think he exists in a dreamworld of his own choosing. It's an art form that has been lost. It's hard to explain here. And I'm NOT talking about S & M or that weird shit here. I'm talking about something way more cerebral, more based in goodness, but not drippy sentimentality. Something designed to blow the mind of another in a positive way. And it's not like a regular thing. It's just once in a while. So, instead of buying a lame birthday gift, my lover would get a delivery from a company that does not exist. On the note would be a time and the name of a cafe. No name would be on it. But it would say, meet me there. When he got to the place, there would be painting lying against the wall. In the painting would be a message he'd be forced to decipher. The elaborate nature of the "game" would be so thrilling that he'd lose his mind. This is just an off-the cuff example of what i mean. I've done some of these things............it was mind-shattering, like a dream that no one else had access to........This is my factory. No sex though. The sex is only reserved for my lover. I'm not into any kind of paid sex stuff. There's plenty of mystery to be created without involving sex.
Maybe I'll write about it. Most artists, and people who know their imaginations live this way. Once you have had some kind of intoxicating experience of matched souls, matched energy and fire, you can't go backwards. My ideals keep getting higher, more impossible, the more I develop my intellectual and imaginative qualities. I was not meant to live in a boring way.
Now, all this energy is channeled into what I call 'the factory'. It's an eloborate plan, hashed out recenlty with someone in here. It's not based in trying to seduce someone. It's based in better ideas, like creating mystery and experiences that people will never believe exist. It's creating the anti-matrix world, but in a way that creates such value, such energy that the ones who discover our secret world will literally lose their minds.
It's a genius design, and I believe the world needs it, needs my perspective on how to create an imaginative, personalized experience for another human being. It is something that is missing........I might write a post about my plans, but they are secret, top secret, so I'm breaking that by telling you now.
I really appreciate your candor and compliments. I feel that our life experiences are similar, to an extent. I am perhaps way more sexually repressed than you though. But losing my sex drive led me to discovering some secrets to life, that I don't think I would have found if I continued gettting drunk and sleeping with random men. I had to go through it , so I could understand what it was all about it. I'm not interested in shallow physical meetings. I am perhaps on a different path........I hate the word "spiritual". I am not really spiritual. I beleive in no "God". I like logic, data and proof. It is complicated what drives me. It's a mix of passion, intensely focused energy and a desire to create a magnificent future. For now, those worlds are just inside my imagination, which bleeds out into the page...........I am dying to break free though. This is the contradiction.
I would say that sex is overestimated in a wrong way. It is one of the deepest desires and in case you are not conscious about it, you can live your whole life being rules by the desire. And surely people know how to use this to control other people.
On the other hand, sex can be a strong transcendental experience. I am not saying that there are no other ways comparable to sex, but every experience is unique.
I wrote a post about Yin and Yang. Sex is a great way how to see the principles dance. And there are traditions using sex for spiritual awakening. But I am basically just saying that you don't have to overestimate it, but also no need to underestimate it :-)
Taking a step back, what you are talking about here is really a wider topic of getting attached to anything. Really easy to get caught in the trap. As long as we are attached, there can be no peace. Perhaps I could write a post on the topic :-)
Attachment is problematic. It's necessary and trouble at the same time. This goes back to dependency. Great insights on sexual stuff. You're probably more normal than I?
Depends on the metric you use for being normal I guess :-)
Very brave of you stellabelle, to share your innermost feelings. It takes courage to write it down and experiencing it all over again. Now I understand your reply better on my introduction post. I clearly recognize facets from my own life. So yes, we can relate to each other. I feel deeply with you and all that remains is respect. Deep respect for the way you managed your human disabilities and fears. It requires perseverance to ' really ' look at yourself (analyze) and work on personal things that stands in the way to live life freely.
So, be strong, be brave, but more important, stay close to yourself!
++
Thanks for the kind words. Sometimes I feel I'm being too self-indulgent but when awakening starts, it's important to take notice.
I am convinced, this is no matter of self-centered behavior or feeding yourself with self-pity. As I wrote before, It takes courage to look at yourself (really dare to look at yourself and reflect) and even more courage to work on it. Self-knowledge is the beginning of all wisdom...
To be honest, I often think: I didn't want myself, but I accept myself!
To me, this is not a pessimistic or dark thought, but really accepting myself as I am. With all my flaws and qualities.
And even more, when we're aware of our shortcomings, it's a powerfull tool to convert it into qualities.
"To be honest, I often think: I didn't want myself, but I accept myself!" you've said a brilliant truth. Im glad you took time to read my truth.
I feel like the pain of past is fading, like I'm being reborn through original love. No one can take this amazing feeling away from me.
Hello :) I've been reading your blogs for a bit now. I like your writing style. Keep the good stuff coming!
thank you @fatjawjones. I am glad you like it. Any suggestions on topics?
Yes, yes, yes. Just...Yes! You are getting it. Further. Xo.
this was really hard for me to write. the pain cut a little deeper.
But you were vulnerable! The pain of genuine vulnerability becomes exquisite over time. Breathing through it is the key. :-)
nah! For me it the answer lies in years of solitude and deep thinking.
"A love that is not clingy, a love that is designed for the future. Love has to be reinvented. Love that is dependent upon conditions is not love. It's attachment" I love this idea! We cling to eachother like we cling to a life rescue ring, but when both parties in a relationship wants the other to be the strong one, the saviour, the parent, they will only end up hating eachother and blaming eachother for not giving them what they need. We must first fill ourselves with love and nourish ourselves, than we have something real to chare and give.
true
Wow, thanks for sharing this. Your writing is powerful.
thank you. Anyone can write like me, if only they get to know themselves intimately.
Quick story of my life before the path to enlightenment.
"Movies always provided with me feelings and I got attached to the way they made me feel. Movies turned into music which turned into drugs."
great post!
Thanks. Next step of enlightenment: Now I make the magic movies in my mind which then turn into reality.