"same creepy obsessiveness driven by the ego's hunger for sexual domination." I still struggle with this. And the theories that make the most sense to me is that by wasting our sexual energy on beings that do not resonate with us, we become weak. I am never denying sexual urges. That's not what I'm talking about. I am talking about energy. So, if you don't mind me getting so personal, this is what I mean:
Ok, so let's say that I'm extremely horny, like really repressed sexually. I'm finding myself attracted to many men. My fantasies are like on overdrive because the energy I've stored up is immense (this is true). I could decide to go out and just fuck someone like a rabbit, and be indiscriminate about who I do it with. (this is what I used to do, after becoming obsessive. I was the sexually obsessive type, which has its roots in a psycho-sexual type of mental construct.....I went to sex addicts anonymous group meetings, and (I know what you're thinking...no, we didn't have sex with each other) I discovered that I have a disorder of fantasy-obsession. When I say "disorder", it means that in place of loving relationships, I have fantasy-fueled obsessions with people who are unavailable. Only through this therapy did I come to understand that real intimacy, and letting someone into my emotional life was terrifying to me. I used the fantasy-obsessions to fill in this void. I also used alcohol to sort of ignite my mad impulses and seduce people because I love the rush of getting to know someone new. It was my main drug.
I lived on that drug for a while. But I was empty. I was letting that drug control my imagination. That is what I mean.
The reality is that now, I can recognize when i become obsessed with someone. I become obsessed WITH THE IDEA OF SOMEONE, NOT THE REAL PERSON. They embody my artistic-energetic-obsessive imagination....I see the signs. I try to step back and not act like a maniac (i try......but i still have this thing). My intense fear of germs sort of keeps this thing in check. It's a crazy mental set up. But I am hyper aware of how I operate. That is the difference.
So as I see myself falling into the vortex of a new sexual and romantic obsession, I let it go. I let it die. I look at reality. I see that I need to become a friend, a true friend. Someone who cares, someone who lets life and love evolve in a natural way, not a forced way. Women and men are more similar than they have been led to believe. I know this! I have dated all kinds of men. They are all different with regards to personality. Some are cautious, very OCD, very weird, some are like canon balls, like totally sexual, others live at the Lazy Boner Ranch, due to doing too many drugs. I have seen a lot. But I don't know how to develop long-term relationships. I did only twice in my life. Both times, I was destroyed. I loved with so much passion, I think it was verging on something from a different century. All the rest of my relationships and short term dalliances were lukewarm substitutes for that mind-melting passion I had twice in my life. I want it back. It needs these things to develop: intense intelligence, imagination, respect, freedom (meaning non-clingy) and both people must be on a similar level. I find it easy to dominate others now because I spent 7 years unraveling and analyzing the motivations of my own mind. I can understand why people kill, why they love, they die, they weep, why they are jealous, insecure, loving, evolved or live in the gutter. I get it.
I'm into games that thrill people. I'm not talking about sex here, but sex could be a little part of it. It's definitely only a side dish though. I'm talking about an amazing life experience based in the imagination, that organic stew of desires that mostly go ignored.
I do amazing and elaborate surreal games that are designed to make my lover sort of think he exists in a dreamworld of his own choosing. It's an art form that has been lost. It's hard to explain here. And I'm NOT talking about S & M or that weird shit here. I'm talking about something way more cerebral, more based in goodness, but not drippy sentimentality. Something designed to blow the mind of another in a positive way. And it's not like a regular thing. It's just once in a while. So, instead of buying a lame birthday gift, my lover would get a delivery from a company that does not exist. On the note would be a time and the name of a cafe. No name would be on it. But it would say, meet me there. When he got to the place, there would be painting lying against the wall. In the painting would be a message he'd be forced to decipher. The elaborate nature of the "game" would be so thrilling that he'd lose his mind. This is just an off-the cuff example of what i mean. I've done some of these things............it was mind-shattering, like a dream that no one else had access to........This is my factory. No sex though. The sex is only reserved for my lover. I'm not into any kind of paid sex stuff. There's plenty of mystery to be created without involving sex.
Maybe I'll write about it. Most artists, and people who know their imaginations live this way. Once you have had some kind of intoxicating experience of matched souls, matched energy and fire, you can't go backwards. My ideals keep getting higher, more impossible, the more I develop my intellectual and imaginative qualities. I was not meant to live in a boring way.
Now, all this energy is channeled into what I call 'the factory'. It's an eloborate plan, hashed out recenlty with someone in here. It's not based in trying to seduce someone. It's based in better ideas, like creating mystery and experiences that people will never believe exist. It's creating the anti-matrix world, but in a way that creates such value, such energy that the ones who discover our secret world will literally lose their minds.
It's a genius design, and I believe the world needs it, needs my perspective on how to create an imaginative, personalized experience for another human being. It is something that is missing........I might write a post about my plans, but they are secret, top secret, so I'm breaking that by telling you now.
I really appreciate your candor and compliments. I feel that our life experiences are similar, to an extent. I am perhaps way more sexually repressed than you though. But losing my sex drive led me to discovering some secrets to life, that I don't think I would have found if I continued gettting drunk and sleeping with random men. I had to go through it , so I could understand what it was all about it. I'm not interested in shallow physical meetings. I am perhaps on a different path........I hate the word "spiritual". I am not really spiritual. I beleive in no "God". I like logic, data and proof. It is complicated what drives me. It's a mix of passion, intensely focused energy and a desire to create a magnificent future. For now, those worlds are just inside my imagination, which bleeds out into the page...........I am dying to break free though. This is the contradiction.