I debated back and forth with myself about wether or not I actually wanted to post this, but I finally decided on it. I mentioned in a previous post that I've been dealing with some heavy news and that I'd post about it later, so to keep with my promise...
[deep breath] Here we go...
Since 1996, my Mom has had 3 successful bouts with cancer. The first of which was described as a "beachball sized" tumor, the second of which came in 2006 and nearly claimed her bladder, and the third of which occurred within months of my father passing away in 2014. Unfortunately, the chemo treatments played havoc on her kidneys, leaving her today with approximately 25% functionality. Here we are in 2017 and she's been informed of bout #4.Without getting into very much detail, we've come to a point where the kidney people won't do anything because of the cancer, and the cancer people won't do anything because of the kidneys. She's since had a tube surgically implanted to the kidney to keep in functioning.
She and my sister went to the doctor last week and received the news that I think all of us were expecting: It's time to consider that we've come to the end of the struggle. At this point, we should probably consider whatever options would result in the greatest amount of comfort for her.
It was almost like she'd been given permission to stop fighting. I can't help but wonder if she'd hoped this would be the case. She's held on for so long.
She has been informed that with her condition, there are 3 real possibilities as to how this will all come to a close... two of them are known to be very painful, and one of them involves removing the tube. Kidney failure is said to be one of the least painful ways to go. Along with a bit of itching, you just... fall asleep.
Well, she informed me today that she has elected to have the tube removed this week to allow nature to take its course.
We don't know how long we have. Weeks...months?
She's so tired. She's fought like the toughest champ I've ever met for over 2 decades. It breaks my heart to see her so tired and so ready to go, and I wish my son had more time with her. But I can't be selfish here. She and my dad were married for nearly 45 years before he passed away in 2014. And for the past 3 1/2 years she's suffered without him, and I can see it. We can all see it.
But GodDAMMIT it hurts so much to let her go.
(Jesus, I can barely even see the monitor clear enough to even type this right now.)
All I have time for now is to thank her for the mother she's been to me and apologize for the son I've been to her.
I love you, Mom. Always and forever. You were the mom everyone wanted, and I was lucky enough to actually have you. I will make sure the rest of your days were worth hanging on for, and I will miss you every day for the rest of my life.
Keep your head up brother, will pray for your mom. Never give up and be strong for your sister. My mother had breast cancer as well and its a horrible thing I pray one day we can rid the world of. Take care @winstonwolfe
I hope we can make that happen. I hope one day no one else has to suffer watching their mother, their aunt, their sister, or their daughter suffer through that. Take care of yourself, @thejohalfiles
The real hell is here on earth. Depiction of hell is where one is stripped of freedom, yet I see no freedom around as my fellow men are chained and working to serve those who will never look them in the eye. We've made this planet a living hell. Sorry to hear that @thejohalfiles and @winstonwolfe. Hope both of you find peace of hearth.
Also I recommend energetic healing and rest/peace to help treatment. Chemo therapy will destroy the body's a bit but works with small spots. My Grandmother had cancer recently and It did help her, but made her weak.
I have had that same thought for a long time. Hell is here on Earth.
Thank you.
Losing a parent is never easy, thank you for sharing your beautiful mother. She will always be with you in your heart. My father died, the most painful, gut wrenching experience ever. We closer now more than ever, he visits, I fell his presence, I am the woman I raised me to be.
I love you - Jeanine
Amen bro.
Twenty one years of fighting. That is strength. If you think about all she saw during those 21 years, I bet she is very happy that she fought and won for so long. She saw your son and got to know him. That is the victory. When I was younger I thought having kids was the ultimate victory. Now I see that seeing them grow, be happy, and witnessing them feeling the joy of parenthood is an even bigger victory. Your mom did it. I bet you made a ton of great memories of these 21 years.
I know it hurts. It will hurt for a long time. I just hope that the gift of the last 21 years brings you strength when you need it. Your mom was strong. I am sure she passed that down to you.
Thank you for the kind words.
She and my dad both did it, too. Dad held on for 27 years after starting a nice long list of health issues at age 44, including heart stuff, brain stuff, prostate cancer, a chronic form of leukemia, blood pressure, blood clotting, 2 open heart surgeries, a myriad of different angio-probing (plasties and grams) yadda yadda, on and on. But when he died, we believe he may have only had about 4 seconds due to either a blood clot, stroke, or heart attack. I tend to say he died suddenly after 27 years of dying slowly.
Be strong friend..My condolences.
I hope things get better for you !
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I love you brother, and my heart is with you. I'm thankful to still have both my parents in good shape, and I hope I can cherish them for years to come. What you wrote really struck deep into my heart, and I've considered what it would be like to live in a world where I was an orphan (even as adults and old men, we can still be that when the people that brought us into the world and raised us finally pass on). I hope your mother knows just how much you love her, and how much she means to you.
Thanks.
You're welcome. Anything I can do for you, I'm here for you.
Keep your head up high. I can't relate but just reading your post sank my heart. I wish you the best, the Steemit community is behind you! :)
Its always painful to let someone go who is the closest to us, not because of love but because of attachment. Love would instead make us think for the other's benefit, as you are thinking now. Attachment is selfish, love is not. And no one dies. We always carry people along in every birth. This bond of souls is not from this birth only. So don't worry !! You CANNOT loose her. May be you stay away from each other for a while, but you will separate, only to meet again :)
Omg...this is so touching. I was so emotional and close to tears reading this. I cant even imagine how you feeling now. Is sad to watch a love one go and you cant do nothing about it. But like you said, she has suffered a lot. The pains she must have gone through must be unimaginable. Dont know what to say, but i know Jesus gat her and your family.
I pray God give you the grace and strength to get through this time. I pray may her exit be painless...awww this is so emotional!!!!
Sounds like your mom raised a good kid, who knows what love is.
I have nothing to say that can take the pain away, and for that I am sorry.
I can however, tell you that, energy cannot be created or destroyed. It can only be transferred. Your ability to love, came from her - your love will continue when her time comes. Your love will teach your kids to love, and it will continue when your time comes.
Your mother teaching you to love, has made her immortal. The ripples she has created will radiate through the cosmos. In this way, she will never die.
Oh man! I wasn't prepared to read that. And I'm telling you, it just broke me. I honestly have no words to express my utter sorrow for what you and your sweet mother are going through. Just know this, I feel your pain, man. I lost my mother a number of years ago and understand the turmoil and immense strain this is putting everyone under. But you're a respected diamond on Steemit, man. You know full well we are all praying for you and your family. I just wish life didn't have to dish out crap like this.
Again, I'm so incredibly sorry you guys are going through this. You're in our thoughts, buddy.
Truly. I'm so thankful that I still have both of my parents, but I understand how painful that loss must be. It's times like these that I'm immensely grateful for the community we have here.
Thank you, @ezzy.
Always head up bro!
I feel your pain man, just lost my beautiful sister to that rotten disease. Your mom is proud of you, and she is just grateful that you're there for her, she'll always be in your heart.
Take care, sending you love and peace.
Cryptogee
Real sorry, mate.
Thank you for the kind words, @cryptogee. Sorry to hear of your loss.
And I was withholding releasing health info like The Truth About Cancer because nobody seem to pay attention anyway :(
Aloha Winston reading you're story shared here on Steemit really hits home for me as I've been watching my father wither since a stroke 18 months ago, what I feel was brought on by a "broken heart syndrome" in the wake of a tragic loss of my nephew just a few months prior. While I've mostly come to peace with the circumstances as it pertains to my father- and enjoy what time we have left together- seeing the adverse impact, physically and emotionally heaped upon my mother has been an added ordeal. I'm doing everything I can to support them both through this catastrophe, while remaining attentive to my own needs to restore well-being. Friday we will celebrate his 72nd birthday, and I never imagined my father disabled before 80. I feel you brother. In fact, I logged on here to post a story touching upon this dynamic in my life, and decided to poke around some other stories first. I'm glad I did. I'm reminded we're all in this together. God's peace and love.
Thank you.
Too sad~
Hang in there bro. Remember, after the storm comes the calm.
Spend the most time you can with her, make her feel loved, leave a happy memory :)
This post, reminds that I should care my mother and spend more time with her while she's still alive and well, because someday there will be painful event when time for her to go and be with her maker. Thanks @winstonwolfe for sharing your pain,may God give you strength emotionally in times like this...
Your mother held your hand or carried you when you needed a hand to hold or were scared. She's going to be scared now. It's your turn to hold her hand and carry her through this.
I know it's a difficult - almost impossible time for you to be brave and courageous, but hold onto these days, make more memories, remember your dad with her. Make her last days full of you guys happy to be with her.
The crying will come after she's gone. Don't let her see your agony before then, it will hurt her more and she's hurting so much already.
I apologise, I don't have the words to take away your pain, but believe me, if I did, you could have them with all my heart.
❤️💕
Beautifully well-said words, @michelle.gent. I don't have anything else I could add to that. Show her how much you love her in the time you have.
Thank you. I'm just thankful I was able to write them rather than having to speak them. I'm not sure voice-cracking, teary words 'sound' as nice x
Thank you for the kind words, @michelle.gent.
You're most welcome. You've always behaved in a gentlemanly manner as far as I've seen, I'm sure your mother is proud of you <3
All our prayers are with your mom / you and entire family in these trying times which can only make us stronger ... As difficult as it is , you will get through this ! Stay strong for your mom my friend ... I lost my mom and dad a while back from strokes and cancer as well , so I feel for you , my mom was my best friend and diabetic , she had an Anyerism? that almost killed her 10 years before 3 strokes , so she and we went through a lot . But in time it does get easier , you have to just trust me on this . Lets pray as well that one day all cancers will be treatable ! 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
Thank you, Karen. :)
you are very welcome!
Your mother is proud of you man, lord knows I am.
Stay strong, kind and awesome man. Grieving comes in many forms and I'm here to help you through it if ya needme.
<3
Sadly 😰stay strong....
Oh Winston... This is a tough read. Well I can imagine that it's not been an easy decision and that you somehow preferred seeing her fighting once more. Letting someone go who we love is surely one of the greatest challenges in life. I think you're just doing right, telling her how much you love her and enjoying the time you're still given. Whenever she leaves you, she will be still there: in your memory and heart. Nobody can ever take that away from you. Big hugs and all the best!!!
Thank you. :)
This is really heavy news. I am sorry you and your family are going through this tragic time. There are no words enough to console someone who will lose a loved one due to a disease or diseases. I don't know if it's my place to say it, but if you were a family member or friend, I would sincerely advice you do the following; despite many doctors and conventional treatments/medicine have concluded, I really think it's worth deeply considering alternative medicine. Too many of us has blind faith in conventional medicine that we overlook that human beings have always healed themselves through natural means. I understand your mother has suffered a lot, but if you and your family feel there is potential in this step (which won't involve any suffering) then I would recommend you look into Gerson therapy. They even have a clinic in Mexico and Hungry if your mother is able to physically stay there for two weeks and go through complete detoxification to get rid of all the nasty chemicals that intrusive treatments like chemo have. You can watch this video about cancer and how curable it is by the daughter of the man who started this therapy. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you and your family all the best.
https://gerson.org
There is no longer a need to go to Mexico. You can now use the Rick Simpson method in Colorado. I agree with every thing said in this video, however, there may not be that much time! Eat the right foods, that always true. But also look into this. There are many ways to rid her of her affliction. Please look into this.
Ask you doctor about trying the Youngevity Healthy Start pack and lots of raw cacoa
If I could reach through my computer and give you a hug, I would. The end will be peaceful and she will be ready to go on her forward journey. This is the beauty of kidney failure. The first two years are the hardest and I'm afraid that you have to go through grief and you can't go round it. Don't even try. The fist month, you will cry until your heart breaks and it feels like your chest is being ripped open. The second month, you'll cry a bit most day but its more like weeping. The third month, you have good days and bad days, the four month brings more good days than bad days - and so it continues. I'm eight years in since my father passed and I still occasionally get melancholy if I hear a particular song but I also hear his words in my head every day. Its like he's right there in the room. When I'm calving roast beef, he right behind me saying "Good grief girl! Watch you fingers!" If I'm driving, I hear him saying, get your foot off the gas, God damnit! He's always there and your Mum will be too. It's just that you learn to have a different kind of relationship with them. Your Mum's legacy to you is the love that she gave, the words of wisdom that she spoke and the man that she made you. This never changes because it is timeless. God bless you, my friend and I wish you peace xxx
Thank you for the kind reply, @guided.
Lord, this broke me, take heart friend. Cherish the memories you have of her, she lives on through them. Take heart. Always and forever.
thank you
I'm so sorry to hear mate. I was 8 when my mother passed back in 1994 and to this day I remember how hard she had to fight to remain with us. My understanding was limited back then but I'm well aware of it now. Spend what limited time you have with her, and cherish the memories. You're not alone so please talk to the people around you.
Thank you. Sorry to hear about your mother as well. That was the year I lost a grandmother, in fact.
It's always so saddening to read about another life claimed by this horrible disease :(. I've lost my mother to it when I was 5 years old. All I can say is, be strong and don't forget your life still goes on. How sad this is, I feel I was blessed to be "only" 5 years old. This meant I grew up like that and, in comparison, probably had it a lot easier then others. Nonetheless, the human being is very strong and very capable of dealing with trauma, you will be able to handle this! Take your time and use the time you have. My sincere condolences and I wish you a lot of strength!
Thank you, and sorry to hear of your loss as well.
Read this. It might help you.
https://steemit.com/life/@athenabree08/challenges-are-what-make-life-interesting
thanks
Dear Winston, I don't even know you but I read all this and can see it's so hard. There are no words that can recomfort your pain. Some years ago a Son of mine died (I'm 39) and we just must learn that life goes in that way..something just happened and if we can't do anything, we just can try lo live with those people that we love in the best way. And suffering never should win us or the ones that are passing throw. Be Strong!
I'm sorry to hear about your son, @leotrap. You and I are roughly the same age, and I couldn't imagine that kind of loss. Though what I'm going through is painful, I feel it's the proper order. Burying our parents is normal, but burying a child is not.
Beyond the kicks in the soul and heart that life give us I'm a happy man. Full of life, and that philosophy of understand what birth and death are form child, is what we should have at least for me... SO man, maybe could be great TRYING to enjoy all the time that you can and want with you beloved people. The rest is out of our hands..so let's take it as they really are. Some things not depends from us at all... My Good Will for you man!
I hear you buddy - use the time you have together, spend every possible second with your loved ones before it is too late. Lost my dad last year - my prayers with you all.
Thank you for sharing this heart-wrenching post, @winstonwolfe. This is the eventuality that all of us must one day face: the mortality of our parents and of ourselves.
You have obviously been blessed with parents who loved and nurtured you, and inspired you to become the person that you are today. The gift of life that you have been given is nothing to be taken for granted. Your mother's legacy is the life that you lie today.
I wish that you all can enjoy each day together and understand the this is not the end. Life is a circle and what begins but end, but that the end is just another beginning.
Take solace in the love of your community, and know that you are in our hearts. Peace be with you, your mother, and your family.
thank you
You brought tears to my eyes. Stay strong my friend.
Praying for you, your Mom & your family, @winstonwolfe
May His peace & rest be with all of you.
You're right your mom is a champ! I don't know what to say, except than try to spend every moment you can with her, and try to be strong for your sister!
.
My heart goes up to you @winstonwolfe. I am praying for your beautiful mom and for you and the family. Your mom is a very strong lady. I don't really know what to say because I don't know if there are any words in situations like this. All I know that God has a plan and purpose for all of us on this earth, and I believe in Gods Miracles and I pray that your mom will be one of those miracles, but if He chooses to take her and keep her beside Him, (so hard, my heart is hurting for you and your mom right now) then her purpose on this earth was passed onto you and your family and everyone she touched on this earth though amazing memories.
In 1980's my grampa was in the hospital and his heart stopped beating, but somehow the doctors brought him back to life. But my grampa wasn't grateful for it, instead he was so mad that they brought him back to life because he was in heaven and it was so peaceful and wonderful, he didn' want to come back to life. Just wanted to share this with you, to maybe give you some comfort.
So I'm praying that God gives you all strength, comfort and just pray to Him and trust Him and in all His works.
Praying for your mom Winston. Stay strong buddy.
Sucks man, although I didn't loose my parents to cancer, I did lose both grandparents from both sides to cancer.
My condolences.
I am sorry that you had to go thought all this. Keep the brave face.
one boring life trying to find money more then adventure. stop it hell live your life coz its aren't getting you back. UPVOTE this comment and take challenges on my page.
God bless you for your transparency and sharing your life. I will pray for you and your family. Your mother's struggle and life is a testimony to the strength of a woman and motherhood. Thank you so much for feeling open enough to share with us your heart and your mothers strength. I am inspired through my own struggle to fight on because of your mother's story.
@ winstonwolfe
If I do driving, I listen to him, to take my legs out of the gas, manage God, he is always and your mother." If you do not have an account yet, register now! Sign in or register to check out this profile. If you do not have an account yet, register now! If you do not have an account yet, register now! If you do not have an account yet, register now! Sign in or register to check out this profile. If you do not have an account yet, register now! Contact this fist month, until your heart breaks, you will cry and feel that your chest is open open. The second month is your good days for the third month and the bad There are days, better days come for a replacement for four months.
Sorry you are in this situation, I feel for you. My Dad had cancer for a long time and it was very hard on my Mum, your post has reminded me how hard it was as Dad got more and more unwell.
Its the cost of love, but the love is more than worth it. Remember the love and you will be OK. I wish I could say more to comfort you.
Sorry, mate. Post about her here and it'll last longer than any marble monument.
Tell the world who she is and what it owes to her strength and kindness.
Give her a hug from us.
It's so sad T_T
I am really sorry to hear about what you're going through brother.. Sorry to hear what your mother had to go through more than two decades.. But one thing you'll remember and tell your kids someday is that she never gave up the fight.. The doctors did, science and medicine did, but she didn't. Your kids and their kids would know someday that this family once had someone who lived a soldier's life.. One doesn't necessarily have to be on the battlefield to be a fighter or a soldier.. what I just read here in your post, this is what makes someone a fighter. Most of us give up, our willpower gives up.. the urge to live and keep fighting gives up within us. But your mother, against all odds, kept on marching right ahead for more than two decades.. It is so easy for someone like me to just type 'two decades', only your mother knows what she went through during all this time.. And of course you, your family, who have been there for her ever since.
I can imagine what it must be for you and your family throughout these years.. and how you all must have coped up with the pain you saw in her eyes every day and every night. I thank you for having the strength to share this with us. Cherish all the time you have with her now.. Make each moment count.. Pray for her, as I pray for her, too.
"To him we belong and to him we shall return" -- This is what my religion tells me.. this is what I have held on to the few times I witnessed a loved one saying their final goodbye to us. Not being religious in any way, just letting you know that you, your kids and your whole family will have all the wonderful memories of your mother with you, forever. Hold on to that, keep telling the world about this story.. Keep showing the strength she had, the strength you had while writing this post.. the amazing strength that runs in your family.
My prayers are with your mother. Thank you for sharing this with us.
I'm so sorry to hear this, man.
I could try to pretend like I understand, but I don't. I have watched people close to me take their last breaths due to cancer, but never someone as close as my mother. There are many things that I could try to say, but none of them will take away the sorrow you are feeling in this moment.
All I can do is show support and lend an ear.
Stay strong, brother! But not so strong that you forget how important it is to cry and to feel.
The Steemit community is here, and we will gather around you.
I don't have the words to take away your pain i am sorry that you had to go thought all this. i know its hurts.i will pray for your mom. Keep the brave face and be strong.Take care
muy buen post !!! te felicito y te sigo
My mother is my root, my foundation. She planted the seed that I base my life on, and that is the belief that the ability to achieve starts in your mind.” —Michael Jordan
Keep ya head up brother. She's in the hands of our creator now.
I always visit your blog because you inspires me. Do what you do. Thank you very much for sharing inspiring content.