It is not often that I write about my writings on Hive. It is even less often that I write about my life beyond what I already share.
Yesterday, I told my father that if I receive the email that they want me to mark papers again, I will not make it. Sometimes life has a funny way to test your limits. And sometimes I think we live in a simulation. Speaking about the marking job I have yesterday with my father created a path in the simulation (metaphorically speaking) and today I received the email I dread: Will you mark 250 exam papers?
I knew the day would come. I just wanted it to come a bit later.
I have recently completed my PhD, successfully defending it in what felt like a brutal 75 minutes session. But now I need to implement certain changes before the end of the year to the PhD. Along with that, I am teaching a course for third years, which comes with its own marking. I also have some very exciting news that I cannot talk about it really. But it basically involves re-writing my PhD. (Those that know what this means can probably put 1 and 1 together.)
And now, I received more papers to mark...
And I cannot say no to them because I need the money, as I am a contract lecturer and pay is not that good. So, every job that I can do, and every job that comes across my path is important.
But it feels like I am not keeping my end of the bargain, on Hive, in my personal life, and with everything in general. I am hardly playing golf any longer, I have only a couple of hours in which I spend some time with my fiance, and then I try to write here on Hive. But I can hardly reply all my comments, I cannot begin to spend time reading others' writing... And it all feels like I am not keeping my end of the bargain in building communities, relationships, and growing in my own life.
Is it all worth it in the end? And this is difficult question to ask because I do not have the luxury to "step out" of the "corporate world", I do not have a trust fund on which I can fall to keep on going. My country has one of the highest unemployment figures in the world, our economy is not doing so great (in the last 10 years, basic goods have doubled in price), and I am trying to start my own life with my fiance. It is kind of scary times I am entering and saying no to a paying job is not an option.
But at what cost?
I am feeling like I am falling so far behind, and failing to keep my end of the bargain.
I guess this is just a post to say that I am sorry for not being able to be more active, and when I do post, that I cannot always reply to comments.
I hoped that after the PhD, I would have more time. But it seems like I have even less time now on my hands.
...
Hive will be waiting - at least I will be :)
Thank you so much. It has been a month, and I am glad everything is still here! Jokes aside, thanks so much.
The moment you told your dad about the marking and the universe replied with 250 papers, the simulation definitely heard you and hit send. Finishing a PhD with a brutal 75 minute defense and and then getting more marking while needing the income is a heavy load, and it makes sense you feel stretched. it really is okay to keep posts shorter or less frequent for a while, and to ring fence one tiny daily pocket for your fiance or even a few putts, because taht little reset keeps the lights on inside. You are keeping your end by showing up where it matters most right now, and the rest can breathe till this season passes.
Thank you so much. This is really a wonderful read, now a month after everything is done. Thank you so much, now I can breathe a little bit.
Don't worry, no one owes Hive any of their time (likewise Hive doesn't owe any user anything). Real life is always going to be more important, get all that on track first, including a few rounds of golf and I'm guessing publishing your thesis (? Congrats!!). Then come back and enjoy Hive pressure free
Thank you so much! I am so sorry for not responding to your Hive Index post about the different costs of living. I guess it is safe to say you know why I did not respond.
Thank you so much as well, and yes, there is something happening on that front... I am not sure how much I am allowed to say, but let us suggest that a book might be in the future...
Thanks again for everything, and let me know if you are still in need of the data for the Hive Index thing!
I find this type of stretch of time just happens now and then, and we have to give ourselves a bit of slack. Take what you need. Hive will be here when you are ready. Although to be honest, I wouldn't say you have slacked off much at all.
Now, I slacked off a month or so! But here I am breathing still after a hectic run. Thank you so much, we need to look out for ourselves because mental fatigue is not fun. Breakdowns are even worse. Thanks again!
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