Stuttering lips and fingertips,
Stared you not quite in the eyes.
I stalled with a trip,
To the bar to get a grip.
To think and sip,
On the next words on which I'd slip.
Like a moth to flame,
Destined to burn in his awkward nature.
I was attracted to the glow of your heart.
Surely I'd awake from this dream,
Or the cameras would come from behind the scenes,
Tugging me apart from the seams,
While pointing and laughing at the silver screen,
Saying we're surprised that you couldn't have seen,
That this type of girl only lives in your dreams.
Yet there she was flashing an ever-so-inviting smile,
The kind I could picture walking towards me down the aisle,
Lighting up the darkness around us all the while,
I stole glimpses of beauty from my bar stool exile.
What is wrong with you?
You have the best intentions.
Just stand up and walk over there,
Forget your superstitions.
Get up and get going,
Become a man with ambition.
Walk over to her,
Or you'll always wonder what you're missin'.
Stumbling over words I still struggled with speech.
And went for a kiss that seemed just out of reach.
Your lips taught a lesson only a kiss could teach.
This was the last first date that I'd ever need.
This is my first poem I've ever written. Although, it may not seem elegant it's has profound meaning to my heart. I dedicate this to my wonderful girlfriend in celebration of our 5th anniversary. I love you baby. This will be forever written on the blockchain. More importantly it will always be written on my soul.
All images are from Pixabay.com
I really like your first poem, can't wait for you to write a poem about the second date :)
It's good enough for being your 1st poem :P
Post included in: Steemprentice Spotlight for September 28th
For a first attempt it's good because your meaning came across clearly. The style was a mix of rap and poetry-the moth stanza is lovely but personally I think that it belongs in another poem.
Rap is read quickly which doesn't leave the reader time to feel the strong emotion of love and awe that you were trying to convey, although it does work in the stanza where you are berating yourself.
You have real potential-your poem is already better than most Steemit poetry- in that you conveyed something real and didn't just throw words on a page because they sounded a bit nice and I know that you will appreciate the critique and therefore you will only become better.
Great comment.
The "rap style" was the only way I could get a rhythm going. I really don't have any experience writing poetry so every time I try I feel like I'm writing a slightly more elaborate version of "Roses are red, Violets are blue". I never thought about how quickly something being read correlates to the emotion. Maybe that's why I enjoy prose.
Thanks for the encouragement.
I'll give it another go.
What a great first poem man!!
This post has been linked to from another place on Steem.
Learn more about linkback bot v0.4. Upvote if you want the bot to continue posting linkbacks for your posts. Flag if otherwise.
Built by @ontofractal