How LSD Changed My Perspective on Life
This is a true story of how LSD helped me heal from depression. I had just quit my job and set off alone on a camping road trip across the American Southwest, seeking some sort of vision which would help guide me through the next chapter of my life. The following trip report recounts that magical day spent at Zion National Park, Utah, 2015.
View along Kolab Terrace
I managed to pull myself out of bed by 6:15am in order to get to Lava Point as early as possible to increase my odds of securing a campsite. The drive there was beautiful as I watched the sky slowly illuminate to a red glow, casting a gentle light onto the Virgin River. As I left the town of Springdale and headed toward Virgin, the gateway town to the Lava Point campground of Zion National Park, I had to keep my eyes peeled for the tiny, discreet sign for Kolab Terrace Road on my righthand side. There was no mention of any national campground, unlike every other nook of the park which was clearly marked. I was glad to explore a lesser-visited region of the park as I began ascending to the 7,500 foot elevation campsite, which I later found out was only established and acquired by the park service in 2014.
Along the way I restrained myself from pulling over but a few times to photograph the stunning undulate, umber and maroon rock forms in the morning light, knowing full well that the longer I lallygagged, the slimmer my chances would be of getting a site. After driving out maybe thirty miles from Springdale up Kolob Terrace, I finally saw a brown national park sign indicating that the Lava Point Campground was only a little over two miles away; I took the righthand turn down a bumpy unpaved road, which by now felt entirely familiar and part of the adventure of going into the backcountry.
I pulled in, hoping the odds would be in my favor… success! Two sites had just been cleared out, leaving only four others occupied. Remote, indeed. There was obviously no running water but I was grateful for the pit toilets fully equipped with hand sanitizer — practically a luxury. I pulled into site 1, which was closest to the road, albeit a little traveled one. Still, site 2 seemed a better option, adjacent to a path toward the overlook. I parked in front of the fire pit and got out to register my license plate and duration of stay on the park roster. As I was logging my info, I overheard a man ask his buddy, “Do we have to pay for our site??”
His bro then replied, “No, it’s free — pretty sweet, actually.”
“Oh, well I was lookin’ at that lady over there…” That lady. Hmph.
I started to set up my tent and was silently mocking their bellowing conversation punctuated with YEAHHHs and YA KNOWs and obnoxious belts of laughter. I would think that the types of people coming out to secluded areas would value privacy and relative peace and quiet, but it seemed these two had no awareness that they were disturbing the entire campground with their loud, echoing conversation.
View from my campsite
After I had set up my tent and pulled out a chair to read and journal, debating whether or not I should take LSD that day, to my horror I heard a man’s voice nearby, “Hello, good morning!” Shit.
They both came over, and in a falsely cheery voice I called out, “Hi there, how are ya?”
“We’re good… how are you?” one of them responded, eyeing my body.
I introduced myself and they did the same: Josh and perhaps Jason, or something equally common and forgettable. We chatted for a bit and they suggested that I come over to their fire pit later in the evening after they get back from their hike. Jason, or whatever his name was — the Alpha Male of the dyad, a definite extrovert and smooth talker — asked what my plans were for the day. Evasively, I told them I was just going to take it easy, kick back, read and hike over to the point later on. Nice, nice, well cool… we’ll catch you later tonight. Yeah, rad. I totally omitted the part about me taking LSD. Oops.
Dropping Acid
After they left, I pulled out my drug purse, a knitted and felted clutch I bought in Brighton, England, and pulled out my Ziplock of shrooms and acid, toying with the idea of whether or not I should dose. Well, why not — absolutely!! I came all this way for this, right?
Without further hesitation, I put one of the tabs on my tongue, preparing for the 150ug to hit me over the next 20 minutes.
And hit me, it did. Slowly, my campsite came alive… the black bands across the quaking aspen trees behind my tent became eyes, sentient and watching me. As I sat cross-legged in my chair gazing out into the woods, a pair of oak trees began to glow golden, their gorgeous autumnal foliar hues bringing me to tears in their ephemeral beauty. I felt incredibly grateful to be where I was right then at that very moment.
Autumnal hues bring tears of gratitude to my eyes
Eventually, I began to feel restless, or stimulated I should say, as I so often do on LSD. I got up and slipped out of my Birkenstocks so I could lace up my hiking boots, set on walking over to Lava Point itself. It took me seemingly forever to get myself in gear. What would I need? My hat, an apple, okay all set. Oh wait, camera… open the car door, get the camera, shut the door. Forgot my water — open the car door, zone out. I was so distracted by the beauty around me that I was having trouble focusing on my immediate tasks. No matter, eventually I had everything I might need for the next few hours, so I walked over to the trail right by my campsite which led to the overlook.
Even at 10 in the morning, it was still so cold that fallen leaves along the trail were icy. It didn’t matter to me, though; my bigger concern was predators: bears and venomous snakes. In my heightened, vulnerable state, I caught myself feeling pretty paranoid, a sense of fear which escalated rapidly when I noted bear prints right on the very path I was walking along, completely alone. I looked up and my heart stopped — I saw a huge shadowy figure, convinced it was a black bear. I stumbled backward and did a double-take, realizing then that the black shape was, in fact, a log. Geez, get it together. It took all my courage to continue walking into the forest until after a short while, I came across a junction leading to the overlook. Relieved to be out in the open again, I walked over to Lava Point, unsure of what to expect since, due to the relative newness of the site, there were few pictures available online of the area.
What I saw took my breath away: the canyons of Zion lit by the morning glow, surrounded by the Colorado Plateau; Bryce Canyon was visible in the distance, the Escalante-Grand Staircase monument further west, the Dixie National Forest dotted with golden cottonwoods and aspen, a view which went on for miles.
Lava Point, view of Zions
I stood there admiring the panorama when after a while I heard a jingling come up behind me. An older man, probably in his late 60s or early 70s, came up and exclaimed, “Oh, good morning, I don’t often see hikers around here!” We got to talking for a while, and I could feel the acid coming on more by the minute, but held my composure by trying to seem serene and sober during our conversation while sneaking glances at the rippling sky and spiraling patterns across the mesa. Turned out he’s a man who led a pretty interesting life: teaching English in Korea for seven years, living in Lesotho for several, traveling to Cambodia, New Zealand and South Africa, and many national parks in the US. He gave me a few tips on places to hike and where to visit locally, and after about twenty minutes of us talking, he moved on, setting out back home to do a load of laundry, apparently.
Alone again, I began to wander along the perimeter of the point but soon felt a little uncomfortable with several cars that just pulled up to catch the tail end of the sunrise. I ducked out and walked back toward camp where I ate my apple before setting out on the trails in a different direction, toward Barney’s Trail. What a name. Anyhow, I got to the trail and saw that it was a very steep, narrow path and I had no idea where it led. All I really wanted was a quiet place to sit and sink into my thoughts. Along the trail, I rested on a boulder in the shade… I gazed over to the delightfully chubby-leaved Douglas fir trees and felt a sense of calm and contentment wash over me. I sat there a while, God knows how long, before meandering back to the point. I was alone again and found a quiet nook overlooking the mesa and canyons. At last, alone with my thoughts…
Dawning Realizations
View from my hidden trip spot
Sitting on a rock overlooking the mesa, 1,000 miles away from anyone who knew me, I began to contemplate my life with a feeling of reverence.
I thought a lot about the kinds of people I had recently encountered on this trip and how I almost felt like a “fraud” in a sense up against these bouldering enthusiasts, BMXers, avid hikers, canyoneering pros and outdoorsmen. I thought about how my old worldview confined me, how I held onto false beliefs about the incapacity of my body, and therefore my mind, to achieve certain physical, spiritual and emotional milestones. Why was it that I believed one had to choose what kind of person to be in life? I had created a false categorical system whereby a person could be an exercise junkie, or a spiritual yogini, or an extroverted friend-to-all, but not more than one at a time. Of course I’m exaggerating somewhat, but I was examining my belief that people tend to have certain natural abilities which rarely encompass more than one broad sphere. But why? Why can’t I pursue a spiritual life while being incredibly fit and active, enjoying a rich social life? Why not? Why have I handicapped myself through my belief system?
Thinking back to how afraid I felt walking through the woods just an hour or two ago, I contemplated further how much fear had dominated my life. I was afraid of life, of experimentation, of other people, ever since I was a child. My upbringing wasn’t the most favorable or stable, but regardless of that, I obviously was susceptible to such a mode of thinking for reasons of my own. My mind then began to focus on the role that depression had had in my life. My depression was severe and has colored some of my earliest experiences in life. Depression, I realized, is a total loss of perspective… I suddenly felt disgusted with fear, with depression, with the self-indulgence of it all. I say disgust, but what I really mean is a compassionate contempt, a sort of holy judgement suffused with the redemptive power of epiphany.
Depression was a fabricated “meaning” in my life, which granted me purpose by virtue of something to overcome, a constantly elusive barrier against happiness, a state which once achieved, I would know I had “earned” by grace of having conquered my inner darkness along my own hero’s journey. But it was all a self-indulgent ruse, a distraction from extrospection — from seeing the world as it is, without putting myself, my suffering, my perspective at the center of the universe, or even my own world.
Over the last few months, I mused, something marvelous had begun to transform inside me. As my friend Vickie once said, I was “moving out of self.” My obsessive preoccupation with my needs, my wounded feelings, the supremacy of my belief system and personal biases had all eclipsed and drowned out the call and wisdom of outer experience, of fully inhabiting my body, the earth, and my rightful place in society as I truly am. Not as a misfit, not as a “recluse” (as though such a term were a personality trait rather than justification for narcissistic isolation), but as a woman here in this vast, unfathomably beautiful world for an instant in cosmic time. Reclined on the rocky slope overlooking the valley, I fully felt and grasped, at last, how precious and insignificant my life truly is.
It was almost unfathomable to me that the geologic architecture before me was created, eroded, shaped, inhabited and vegetated over hundreds of millions of years. I pictured an unimaginably long lineage leading to my birth, tracing it backwards from my parents, to my grandparents, onward back through countless generations, figuratively back to Adam and Eve, the dawn of mankind as we know it. I felt an immense sense of oneness, of genetic and karmic linkage to every human being on earth, and my heart swelled with a feeling of unconditional love. Suffering transformed into love…
...Seeing the history and destiny of man, the infancy and barbarism of our civilization in the context of the unknowable future, but one which we may be able to divine: an era of intergalactic travel, of technological supremacy, of mastery over our own fate in the solar system. Or, so our collective human vision seems to be, anyway…
Merging
Who will I now be without depression? My depression was a form of greed, a thirst for experience, an unfulfilled lust and hunger for multiplicity, for endless options, finding none of them satisfactory, consumed instead with ennui and self-created feelings of impotence in the face of being unable, or unwilling, to “choose” — a way of creating a paradoxical alternative world where I had limitless possibilities, and my only enemy was myself, the One who kept me imprisoned in my unfulfilled, stagnant life. But there are factors at play that have contributed to my unwellness… my childhood is fully explored to me by now, but something I began to realize on that trip is that living a so-called “civilized” life does indeed have a price. I don’t mean this in the hippy way, like, “Yeah man, we’re meant to live outside with the Earth, ya knooowww?” But the sentiment finally struck a cord with me in a very primal way. Walking through the woods, feeling a sense of fear for my very survival, I experienced for the first time a sensation that I am entitled to nothing in life, that if a black bear were indeed to appear and rear for attack that very moment, there would be no reasoning out of it, no speed-dialing God to plead my case: I was wonderfully powerless.
Living in a way where one is truly at the mercy of nature and one’s own survival abilities, even if only for a short while, reawakens something deep in the recesses of human nature, which, I truly believe cannot be excised from our being. I felt fully in my body, in my mind, and in the present moment, fleeting, all-powerful, and completely powerless.
I slowly walked over to the Point to watch the sunset and could hear nothing but my own breath: my surroundings were completely silent. It was as though time itself had paused, the wind momentarily holding its breath before exhaling up along the cliff where I was standing.
I felt a powerful sensation in that moment that my soul was being reborn, preparing for my next incarnation, whoever or whatever that might be, and that I stood for nothing, represented no cause and wore no garb of ego or ambition.
I was simply there, unmasked, unaffiliated, fully myself and yet nothing like I ever thought I was. I was not merely the young woman from California who had quit her job and was out on a camping trip — no, I was a conscious entity merged with tree, wind, rock, and humanoid body simultaneously. I felt a complete sense of emptiness, a wellspring of possibility and receptivity, and at last, satiety. There were no tears of joy, no waves of euphoria or release… I was simply there, in the moment, free of the confines of self. It was marvelous.
Coming Down
I felt myself coming down from the acid and walked back to the campground at sunset, noticing it was beginning to cool down rapidly.
Clearing en route back to campsite
I got to the car and unpacked my thermal pants and shirt, layering up for what was sure to be a long night. Taking advantage of the last hour of sunlight, I pulled out my outdoor stove that a friend had lent me and I heated up a can of organic chicken and dumpling soup which I devoured, ravenous from hardly having eaten that day. I rinsed out my tupperware and packed up my gear back into the car before locking it up for the evening. Not wanting to interact with the bros at their fire pit, I crawled into my tent, exhausted and desiring sleep but knowing full well it would be extremely unlikely that evening. It’s hard enough to sleep on acid after tripping at home, let alone in a new environment, in the cold and in my confining sleeping bag. I tossed and turned, laughing at my predicament, trying instead to appreciate the humor of my insomnia. It was worth it, though, it was all worth it…
Visions floated across my eyelids: fractal aspen trees, botanical imagery, my ten year old self in Hawaii wearing a yellow bathing suit, frowning, uncomfortable with her body and feeling alienated from the other children playing in the waterfalls, my sister at home weeping. I felt compassion, but not pity, for her depression. I remembered a dream I had had the night before, one which I only vaguely recalled but the emotion behind it was retained. In it, I was talking to a high school friend of mine, and we were having a long and melancholic conversation by nightfall. I felt, remembering the dream, a sense of departure from that adolescent self, a release from the girl who demanded I keep score, hold grudges, believe in my own victimization… I let it go. I let her go…
...An image of condensation along the ceiling of a dimly lit cave, slowly following the vector of gravity, finally blobbing off and falling freely as a single drop of water: my individuation at last, free from the mother and yet made of her. Departing and no longer fixed on carving out an identity, I will simply be. Without definition, without limiting parameters of who I can and cannot be. I shall transcend my own self-imposed limitations without any attachment to the outcome, without appraisal of my success or failure, for there is no such thing. I am nothing… and I cherish my life. Gratitude.
Sometime around 10pm, I heard Jason come over and holler that I should join them if I was around, so I called out, “Thanks, I think I’m going to conk out for the evening though — good night!” For the next few hours, I tossed and turned fitfully in my tent, absolutely unable to fall asleep, instead entertaining myself with impish scenarios. What if I ducked over to the car and honked the horn incessantly in the middle of the night?? What would the other campers do? And then in the morning I could apologize in a Russian accent, in broken English of course, “I’m sorry, my sister, she does this.” HAHA. Oh boy, I was losing it; I needed to sleep.
The moon was shining brightly directly above my tent… and sometime around 3 or 4 in the morning, sleep finally claimed me after a most profoundly transformative day. A new beginning. The shaping, unification and renewal of my soul.
Like what you read? Check out my other trip report!
• Psychedelic Bliss: Rectal mescaline + LSD + DMT + Kava
Or, take a look at my other travel logs:
• My Road Trip Around Gorgeous Iceland!
• Incredible Iran
• Perito Moreno Glacier, Argentina
• Voyage to the End of the Earth: Antarctica
Who am I?
• Psychonaut, World Traveler, Steemer! Saying hello at last :)
thank you for sharing this! <3
Glad you enjoyed it!
is lsd something you have to be careful of when it comes to quality? like will people try to scam u by putting other shitty chems in it.
LSD itself is not usually adulterated, however it's not uncommon for other chemicals to be passed off as LSD (such as nBOMEs or DOx). I'd suggest purchasing an inexpensive reagent test kit so you can test to make sure you're really getting acid and not something else.
Thanks for sharing this.
As someone who suffers from depression it would be great if we were allowed the medical option of LSD or psychedelic therapy - it is one of the few treatments that has been found to be curative.
Unfortunately, as I discuss in one of my recent posts on drug policy, the hard-line stance that most governments have on these sorts of substances has a crippling effect on medical research into them.
Only very brave physicians are willing to take the risk of doing research which is considered both controversial and academically risky. Further the lack of research then gets cited by politicians as a reason for not relaxing the rules which restrict research on illegal substances. This is despite some of these amazing outcomes being known since the 1960s.
Thankfully some brave scientists and doctors in the medical/psychiatric field have resumed this research in the last decade despite the hurdles that make it very difficult. The work has also expanded from psychiatric disorders like depression and PTSD to other fields such as palliative care where psychedelics have helped people come to terms with terminal illness.
Let's hope that the lessening of the hardline government attitudes to things like marijhuana feeds into other drugs like LSD that have potential medical uses.
Let's also hope that it is not sabotaged by vested interests like drug companies who would rather keep people on expensive antidepressants for life than offering them a potential cure.
I absolutely agree with everything you said; fortunately we're living in a time when there's greater hope for the future of psychedelic medicine than ever before. Ketamine, in particular, is already proving to be a novel antidepressant with greater efficacy than currently-available pharmaceuticals. The studies being carried out right now, particularly on LSD brain imaging and MDMA as a treatment for PTSD, bring hope to many that these treatment options will be legally on the market soon. I hope that one day I'll be able to contribute to this growing movement with research of my own.
I'm going to take a look at your drug policy post right now. Thank you so much for sharing, and I wish you all the best in working through your depression as well. Let's hope for radical changes in alternative therapies!
Thank you and I look forward to your future posts and any potential research you might do.
Thanks for sharing.. LSD also helped me to stop drinking and cultivate a more holistic lifestyle as opposed to the destructive lif I was leading.. I was suicidal as a kid and my LSD trip totally changed my priorities. I might not be alive today if it wasnt for LSD
Wow, that's amazing you worked through your alcoholism and that LSD helped you accomplish that!
@runaway-psyche Not to rain on your parade, because this was a beautiful and well written story. But people need to exercise extreme caution when using drugs especially hallucinogens or psychedelics in the wild like that. The place you were at, sees 10 deaths a year from people wandering off for an "experience with nature", only to become "experienced by nature".
I implore you to encourage people that if they must do that sort of thing, to do it in a group and to have at least 1 designated square who's job it is to call for help if you happen to wander off a cliff, get bit by a rattle snake, or otherwise be in need of assistance and unable to seek said help.
True story...
When I was a younger and a whole lot dumber, some friends and I did this exact same thing but over in really spiritual place in Utah called "Diamond Fork". It's this stunning waterfall with a natural hot spring and it's also one hell of a hike to get to, assuming it's still even there.
Anyways, we all dropped acid, which for some blessed reason had no effect on me, but ripped all my buddies up one side and down the other.
On the hike down, one of my best buds, (who by the way is on this forum, so I promise not use your name, ok Jim?)
Let's call him John... Anyways John walked off trail 6 feet because he heard a "voice in the trees" calling his name. He picked up a stick and the stick was evidently talking to him.
Except it wasn't a stick. It was a rattle snake.
For some reason that none of us to this day can fathom, the rattle snake decided to bite Jim, err John and I was forced to carry his over weight carcass kicking and screaming down a mile and a half of trail, toss him into the back of the hoopty mobile and fly down the canyon at speeds in excess of 100MPH, screeching to a halt in front of the hospital where we dumped him out and drove off to go get some more beer.
Moral of the story. Don't dump your drugged out, snake bit friends in front of the hospital to go off and buy beer when you're underage. The cops ask WAY too many questions.
I definitely agree that extreme caution and prudence need to be taken before taking a psychedelic, most especially out in nature while exposed to dangerous wildlife and the elements. Gah, what happened to "John" sounds terrifying and is such a worst case scenario, I'm sorry you bore witness to that and I hope he recovered fully from the injury!
I was planning on doing a harm-reduction post in the future about proper set and setting for tripping, and your post really hits home for why it's so important to employ precautions, so I'll make note to get that information out there. Thank you for your honesty and well-informed perspective. Upvoted!
@runaway-psyche He ended up being fine in the long run. Took awhile to recover full use of the hand on the arm that was snakebit. But yeah the real moral is be careful where you do this stuff, have some planning, some preparation and make sure you have someone who is able to maintain control and order.
There are trails that will kill you if you go two feet off them. Especially in the southwest where venomous animals are the residents and you happen to be visiting them.
Surprised you guys didn't get skunked where you were at. Last time we were there it was mating season for skunks. My poor dog, I guess just thought they were cats or something. Kept hitting them one after another. We never let him back in the house after that camping trip.
Whew, it sounds like a really nasty bite - fortunately you were all there to help him out. The Southwest really can be dangerous, and although they're not life-threatening, I sure wouldn't want to run into a skunk either!
Thanks again for your input and words of caution.
Great article, you have a new follower :)
LSD and psychedelics can be one of the most powerful experiences of your life, and they reaally need to be made freely available so everyone can experience these things.
Ego-breakdown and rebuild can be incredibly difficult and emotionally painful, but worth the effort - it will give you a whole new perspective into your true needs and desires that may be impossible to recognize otherwise.
I'm rambling, I'm sure you know all this - just happy to see another psychonaut!
Thank you so much, and likewise about a new follower!
I know exactly what you mean about ego death being difficult but worthwhile, and agree it would be a real triumph to witness a day when these compounds are made available to those who are willing to go inward in search of life-changing insight. It's an experience so many people would benefit from.
Cheers, to a fellow psychonaut and Steemer!
Very interesting read. I believe Tim Ferriss is attempting to raise money for a John Hopkins study of the effects of psilocybin on treatment of depression.
Oh, I hadn't heard of Ferriss' fundraiser, I'll have to take a look. Thanks for the info!
Inspired me so very much, my dad currently suffers from depression and I need to show him this
I hope your father finds relief soon. Thanks for commenting; it's wonderful that research is finally being conducted on how psychedelics can help people suffering from depression. Best of luck!
excelente!
Cheers!
As someone who has used LSD to treat my depression and anxiety, i loved reading your story. Good luck in the future & peace out!
Good vibes to you, my friend!
I just noticed your trip report, i see it's a bit old, but it was a really good read :) I looked it up as i wrote an trip report yesterday myself.
It can be so powerful and alter our lives in ways we can't imagine, i believe this is something everyone should get to experience, at least once in their lifetime
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it. :) I totally agree that anyone who wants to experience these substances should be able to have that opportunity - they really are life-changing.
This post spoke to me so much. Being a psychonaut myself, I thrilled to read such a fascinating account of someone's introspective journey on LSD, and the way it shows you just who you have been, and who you really are (or that you aren't). Your words are as beautiful as the landscape you've captured.
I absolutely love the way you described depression as "a way of creating a paradoxical alternative world where I had limitless possibilities, and my only enemy was myself, the One who kept me imprisoned in my unfulfilled, stagnant life". I could not help but sit back and marvel at how true that was, of depression. I could see myself in my periods of depression, having the potential to go out, to mingle, to laugh, to smile at myself, to indulge in life, to live... yet lying down in my room like a recluse, sulking, telling myself all that possible joy, that lightness of being, that peaceful respite from misery is all a ruse. Not worth experiencing. All unreal. Not seeing that they were no less real than my depression. In the end you realize, beyond the push and pull of both these forces, right between joy and misery, is the space where one is truly at home. Just a sense of being. The serene sense of 'I am'. Not I am this or that, but I am, and that, really, is enough. In fact, that's too much. It can fill you and overwhelm you and even overflow from you and start to touch everything round you, trees, rocks, water, sky, like it so often does on LSD.
I can not tell you just how well written your post is and how gripped I was in those few minutes (or was it a day?) of being in your head, of being you. I'm new here, with not a post to my name, but you've inspired me to write. Maybe I'll write about my own experiences on psychedelics. I've been intending to. And a quality piece like this is exactly what I needed for a push.
Thank you so much again, for this. resteeming and following. I'm going o read more of your stuff now.
Peace :)