Last blog I was working towards going off grid. I went from having a shell to us to build to not having it, to not even being able to build. That is the latest news. Yeah...
I am drained of resources and my body is shutting down on me. I struggle to eat, I wait till my body has no choice to accept food and then feel like puking. I tries eating a bagel this morning with just butter on it and it was hard to eat half. I keep getting head aches and I could sleep forever.
I see myself having to go on social aid for help, but I can't do that because I am still "living" in the same house as he is. He fights with me, conversations that are aimed to attack and make him feel like the victim, feeling like he has to pay for everything. Hey buddy! You stopped me from working, I tried in many ways but nothing made you happy. I don't have a place to live if I am not here, I don't even have a fucking bed.
I have been looking at apartments, 2 bedroom apartments is what is the most available. I have 3 kids, 1 boy 2 girls and you have to give your first born to pay for first and last. There are very few 3 bedrooms that are even more expensive, nothing bigger and nothing cheaper. The bigger thats available the farther away it is. How does that work for the kids when it comes to shared custody and schooling?
Ya I am still figuring things out, I'm stressed as hell and I am still sleeping in the camper in the backyard. Note: the kids are still sleeping in the house as they are in their beds, yes every now and then they sleep in the small camper but they fight for room.
I have a lawyer, I can only meet with him next Thursday over the phone. I am waiting for an appointment with the bank to see if I can fight for the house because here mortgages are cheaper than rent. But then there's the part of having to buy him out... with what money???
You know, I really thought I knew what I was doing when it came to getting married and having a family. I thought breaking up would be the hardest part to do but it's not. It's after. Where the person you used to love so much and trusted, the person that is suppose to know you, all of you, turns on you. You become that bug that he is so eager to crush. And the sad part is the kids. I told him, I told the marriage councilor, I told everyone that I need to make sure he is ok in all this because after all, he is still the father of my kids and if he isn't ok, neither are my kids. And he could care less for me. That hurts, what he thinks of me now hurts, how he thinks I could live, where I could live hurts. I wont mention what he thinks is ok for me to live in. Let's just say it would result in the kids being taken away from me, and maybe that's his plan.
I know it hasn't been going good for a long time, a really long time and even though things happened, things were said, I still didn't loose complete respect even though it was rough and painful.
I can't expect people to be like me, I can't expect for people to think like me, I can't expect people to do things like me. I just want peace and fairness. That is harder to ask for than you think.
I wish this blog would have given some exciting news, I wish I could be saying that I have the roof built on my house off-grid. I wish I could lead things being happy and in the process of healing with the kids. I am so far away from that, so far it is laughable.
I really shot myself in the foot with this one and there are no do-overs.
Fuck. :(
So sorry that you're going through that, Foxy. The kids are gonna have a hard time regardless of what happens now. If you want to talk, hit me up on Telegram (t.me/cryptosharon). If you rent outside, are you able to pay for it? Is it possible for you to find a job in your area?
Fuck pretty much sums it up, if I could that would be the only word in this post. "Fuck. That is all" lol.
Right now for work it is very limited because I don't have a babysitter, because we have Indian (India) people that have started working their way up the ranks and hiring family only. There is a job position as secretary at the small school here but I can't really apply to it if I wont be living here. Its a waiting period for everything really and I hate it. There are funding's to help pay if I struggle but there's also trying to find a place that is big enough for me and the kids and I don't know if I am restricted to where I can live. Good questions for the lawyer.
It makes me sad for the kids, every day they are being put in a situation that both tests me and the kids at this point. It really breaks my heart. I am trying to teach my kids to choose peace or violence, so they know the difference and their dad is just showing them violence. I can't wait for this to be over.
Thank you for your comment and offering to talk. I might take you up on that if I get the chance, I try not to be home as much as possible when he is here.
I'm so sorry to hear about all of this meuf - focus on the meeting with the lawyer next week and see what he says the options are. I'm hoping you can get the appointment with the bank and they come back to you with some options that are feasible too.
You can't blame yourself for what has happened, that's like saying we all know how our lives are going to pan out 10 years from time when in reality, it's like a completely different life/phase in itself. It's impossible to predict events that happen in our lives but you are in this situation right now and you will get out of it. It's going to be tough, already is but you will get through!
Message me whenever you want, my door is open if you want to chat 🤗
Thank you my friend.
I keep thinking that every step that I take is the right move to do but then another thing happens and I fall apart. Such is life right now and I know it will end, it just bugs me how much it is taking out of me as I just sit and wait. My patience is not in waiting right now. I'm drained. I can't let him see that as it is a weakness cause I know it will be something more for his gain. How do people play this game? I tried hard to avoid it.
Oh, sheesh, Julie! I am so sorry it's come to this. I know how hard you've agonised over the last couple of years. I so relate: the person you thought you knew, you don't know at all. I am glad you have a lawyer.
You know where to find me if you need an ear...
Sending love and strength to you and the kids.
Thank you dear friend. I am starting to feel better as I am getting some good guidance and pointers from a great friend of ours, sir Nicky. :P
And with all of your supports and love and strength being sent, I have a little more sunshine in my gloomy days. I appreciate all of you and I am forever grateful to have met you all, you guys all deserve trophies! <3 <3 Much love to every one of you ^_^
😍🤗
Oh man. Sending you mega virtual hugs and energy right now my friend. Tough times in so many ways. No, there are no do-overs, but I can only hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel in all this for you. Keep on loving those kiddos and taking it one day at a time. I hope the meeting with the lawyer can help give you some direction on where to go next. As the others have said, I'm here if you need me! 💚
Man, you guys are gonna make me cry! Thank you for the mega hugs and energy, definitely needed.
There will be light one way or the other, there is only going forward from here and using what I got to get it done. Talking with all of you helps shine some major light in these days and I think my only regret is not connecting sooner. Bad habit to withdraw and keep it all in, especially with having all of you supporting <3
As a fellow "withdrawer", I know it can be tough sometimes to reach out. I'm glad you put it out there to at least know you've got support all over the world! We may not be close enough to support you in person, but we're all cheering for you in any way we can. Positive vibes can most certainly be powerful. 💚
Yeah, it can be hard to reach out, and how deep we go before reaching out can be damaging, that is what i have to watch out for. And as you have said, positive vibes are powerful and all that I have received has changed that ugly stain in my heart into a feel good healing patch :D Thank you!
I've just typed, then erased, about a billion words (give or take), because none of them work for what I'm trying to say. "Fuck" really does seem to cover it though, doesn't it. ☹️
While I don't have anything useful to add, I do want you to know you're not alone. And if you're okay with it, I'd like to add your name to a weekly Healing & Blessing post in a witchy FB group I belong to. I'm also sending all the positive energy I can muster in the direction of you, your kids, and even your ex, in the hopes you can all heal from all this as soon as possible. Oh, and a bit extra to your lawyer, so he can get you all the help you need.
Shout out any time if there's anything I can do for you, dear lady.
Fuck does sum it up.
Traci, what you are willing to do for us is amazing! I don't mind at all and if I can, could I join that fb group? I know what you want to do will take a massive amount of energy and takes time. Oh this is... i dont have words but in a different way lol. I'm so grateful! I'm so ready to heal from all of this and your help is going to make that easier.
You're awesome! Thank you thank you thank you!
Fuck is one of my all time, go to words because it really is all encompassing... 😝
You're very welcome, and you most definitely can join the group! I'll send you the link via Discord - I'm one of the admins, so I can pretty much guarantee you'll get in... 😂
You're wicked awesome yourself, Foxy - please don't forget it. 🤗
Beautiful page that is and it's a lot of fun too!
I wont forget, wont be able to since I have such an amazing group of friends, like you, that are crazy amazing that have accepted me and support me. <3
Hey you.
I'm gutted to hear that you are going through this. It must be extremely tough, especially with your kids. I hope they are doing ok.
It goes without saying that you can talk to me anytime you need to. If you need that older head for advice (not too old mind!!) 😛 I want to help where I can. We are thousands of miles apart so I can't just head over but I'm on the end of the keyboard.
You also have a safe haven in the top3 discord where I know you will get an instant e-hug from the team. We miss you.
Chin up, try to stay positive, keep hugging your kids and telling them that you love them. Things will be ok in the end. I believe in you.
Love and hugs.
Gaz the 🦊 fanclub
Gaz!!!! It feels like forever since we last connected.
I think the kids are ok although they are not feeling the whole effect of the separation because we are still all under the same roof. My son was the hardest to comfort when we told them, the other two are young so don't fully understand.
Thank you for being there my friend. It is hard and sometimes its harder to take action to the hardships, reacting in good ways to not engage in violent environments. What has helped me get through it is all the support and encouragement you have all given me, it has warmed my heart more than you can believe, and I am holding on to this dearly.
Also, how cool to have a fan club :P lol Thank you Gaz, you put a smile on my face this morning ^_^
I'm glad that I made you smile. There's more than one in this fanclub, I'm just the leader! 😉
Hahaha! I bet you are, you've got that coach leader instinct in you already :D
Hey! Sad to read this. Sending tons of love and hugs, pretty lady.
Thinking of you and the kids ❤
Thank you so very much! I've been really feeling all this good energy and has made a shift within myself. I am so very grateful <3