Full disclosure, this isn’t your fancy frilly regular Betty Crocker recipe (however Martha Stewart might have a similar version). It’s not going to win you the blue ribbon at the county fair but if you’re in a pinch it might get you a pack of ramen, a couple smokes, or some zu-zu’s and wham whams.
At one point in my life I made some bad decisions. You see, I had a love affair with heroin. Don’t know if you know this but heroin isn’t the best lover. It ended up getting me sentenced for 7 years in correctional facilities. Not the coolest shit I ever did. Being locked up as a young man I didn’t really have grasp on what life was really all about, so I had to learn a lot of lessons in jail.
Plot twist: It was actually nothing like Shawshank Redemption. I didn’t have Morgan Freeman to show me the ropes. I didn’t have a steady stream of money coming in to put on my books for commissary. I had to be resourceful. People like to trade and I learned you could smuggle some of the best stuff to trade from the kitchen. It was then I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up.
If you could get a hold of something to trade for a $5 dollar phone card you get a butt-cig. (A cigarette someone once had in their ass, in case you couldn’t deduce that yourself Mr. Holmes). If you could get a gallon of hand sanitizer out of the kitchen for someone to drink though, wow you were really in the money.
The point is I commonly smuggled shit from the kitchen. One of my hustles was making peanut butter fudge. It’s a simple recipe, but try getting a hold of some fucking vanilla extract or marshmallow cream in jail. In jail you aren’t getting much fancier than this.
Ingredients:
1 one handful of peanut butter fresh from the pantry (1 cup).
2 sandwich bags of powered sugar rolled neatly, and down the pants(1 pound).
70 individual slices of butter (unsalted). That’s the hard part, you have to save them up forever. (Basically 2 sticks).
(If you non-inmate types want, I would suggest to throw in a teaspoon of vanilla extract as well).
Directions:
Step 1. Place peanut butter and butter in a bowl. Then melt peanut butter and the butter in the common-area microwave for 2 minutes.
Step 2. Take the bowl out of the microwave and stir with whatever you can get your hands on. (Normal people would use a spoon.) Place back in the microwave for an addition 2 minutes and stir again.
Step 3. Without wasting anytime add in the sugar and mix until it’s thick and smooth.
Step 4. Place bowl in commissary box (fridge) for approximately 2 hours. Then use your utensil of choice to cut fudge into 1 inch squares.
Step 5. Start trading for butt-cigs. (Eat and enjoy).
I helped a friend write this. This is not a spoof. If you like this story and would like to hear more, please give this an up-vote to get his ass on here and posting himself. I will be giving him, and his family all of the sbd. Hopefully I can convince him this is not magic Monopoly money. If I could give them the steem power I would.
If you would like to thank me for bringing this story to our platform please shoot me a follow and I’d be more than happy to keep creating entertaining content in the future.
Thanks for reading everyone.
You made it to TheDailySteemit.com good job! and great post!
I upvote U
Live the pictures with the cuffs man!! Great recipe too!!
So glad it wasn't @rse fudge!! ;0)
This is sweet bro, love the props and the setup!
Very well put together, you deserve every cent of success :)
Thanks for posting this #food-story via the #steemianfoodnetwork
Following for more, of course!!
Keep it up good job!
Omg the handcuffs dude!!! I just recently watched all 4 seasons of Orange is the New Black, so every post that's prison related is something I'll read!!
Anyways, I hope your friend does come to Steemit to see that it isn't Monopoly Money.
YEAH BUDDAYY!! UFC'd!! UPPED, FOLLOWED, COMMENTED!
-bigedude
I fully expected this to be a poop joke.
Still awesome.
Upvoted. :D
Thanks my friend.
wow! thats crazy!! such an amazing twist on super easy recipe!! loved it :))
That was hilirious, I love it! Glad to be part of this fantastic project.
Thanks Jen.
You finally made it lol ....so happy to have done this project with you and great post! :)
Real talk!
Got here sorta late!! But bro, fucking rad! I am seriously going to give this a go.
Rockin! 🍺🤘
Love the handcuffs, what a great addition!
It was already a great tale but the handcuffs... The handcuffs pushed it to top! Unreal! And super easy!
How hard is it to get hold of 70 individual packets of butter in prison? I know you said forever but do they like give you one at each meal? Or is it a treat?
I will ask my buddy. Co-authored with him. He made it out like everyone had them and you had to beg people for them. Inside the value was like $1 on commissary. That's a question I asked too.
Everywhere I have been locked up you usually get one tray that comes with butter and the food is bland so its hard to resist using it. In a 10 man pod you could probably get 5 a day.
Gotta love anything peanut butt-er flavoured.
I see what you did there! Lol I do too though.
Do you have a recipe for "Jailhouse Burritos"? A released inmate once made some for my wife and me and they were awesome.
Any chance you took a photo before eating the burritos? :)