Changes For The Future.
I'm on the verge of giving up. Not because I want too... But because I've been pushed around so much that I can barely breathe anymore. I've pushed myself for so long, so I'm running low on both energy and motivation. Things need to change and I've done what I thought was for the best with high hopes of being as successful as possible. For me and for everything I've done, to be as successful as possible. Even though I've been successful in many of my endeavours, it wasn't enough. I am sorry for letting you, and myself down, and most of all, I'm sorry that I wasn't enough.
It's not my intention to sound selfish or to make it sound like I am the only one doing things around here, because I'm not. What I have accomplished would never have been possible without the amazing people who've participated and helped me through thick and thin.
The Amazing, Generous "Pushers"
From The "Push People To 500SP"-Initiative:
@thedarkhorse | @simplymike | @erodedthoughts | @ifartrainbows | @preparedwombat | @headchange | @lyndsaybowes | @goldendawne | @phoenixwren | @blacklux | @abh12345 | @erikklok | @deirdyweirdy | @googlyeyes | @deadspace | @insideoutlet | @lynncoyle1 | @davemccoy | @gduran | @khimgoh | @minismallholding | @sparkesy43 | @robertandrew | @danielsaori | @zekepickleman | @whatsup | @stever82 | @coinsandchains | @kaerpediem | @empress-eremmy | @janton | @cryptocurator | @guiltyparties | @gooddream | @matthewtiii | @lemony-cricket | @dfinney
The Wonderful, Caring People
From The @asapers:
@shai-hulud | @insideoutlet | @lynncoyle1 | @mirrors | @viking-ventures | @yogajill
And One Of My Biggest Inspirations:
@fulltimegeek
https://steemd.com/witnesses
No words can ever describe how thankful and honored I am to have worked side-by-side with many of you. We've worked together, in various ways, and you've all had an immense effect on me. I am truly grateful for all of it.
I am grateful for the opportunity Steemit has given me throughout the years I've been here and I'm honored to have served as a user in some sort of leadership position for the majority of my time here. I am thankful for all the support you guys have given me, and I am proud and honored that you all allowed me to evolve as a person.
The truth is, that I've been running on fumes for a long period of time. I have asked for help and I've showed myself vulnerable on several occasions. I struggle with motivation and I haven't been "myself" lately. My real life situation affects me tremendously and the terrible feeling of being taken for granted, even in School by my teachers and classmates has taken a huge toll on me. This is something that eats me from the inside. This affects me in several ways, and some of the things are, lack of motivation, time and energy.
However, this is not my only problem. My biggest problem right now, is the fact that I've struggled to survive since I started to study in March this year, and things have gone downhill ever since. My only option so far, has been to use some of my earnings from Steemit and to work extra during holidays and evenings after School. That's literally the only reason I've survived... But it gets worse. It doesn't stop there.
From ~May next year, I won't be eligible new student loans, because you're only entitled to a student loan for x-amount of days and I've used up all of them in the middle of next year. As my education ends in December 2019, I'm literally terrified. I don't know what I'll do from the middle of 2019, and I don't have as many options that I'd want to have... It's either to work more on top of my studies or to quit my education.
I realize that it might not sound "that bad" when you're looking at it like this, but one of the things I need to keep in mind, is the fact that I study full time and that I also suffer from panic attacks and anxiety. I've also had a depression for a very long time. It's impossible for me to describe how that makes me feel and how that affects me, but it basically makes it impossible for me to do "all the things others do" with ease. I often struggle when I get stressed out. If and when I suffer from a panic attack or having problems with my anxiety, I'm usually in bed. I end up with zero energy so it's pretty much impossible for me to do things...
That said, I can't push myself too much, because if I do, the outcome will be extremely bad and I'll end up in an even worse situation.
I'm Drowning...
I started to study due to various reasons with two main goals. In an attempt to get knowledge and to heal myself, but also because I want the necessary tools to help others. I was alone when the first panic attack practically ran me over. I felt alone, because I struggled to describe what I felt and I felt that no matter how much I tried to explain, people turned their backs on me. I've lost friends due to their lack of understanding, or due to the fact that they couldn't handle the fact that I was "different" than before.
I lost my father in 2012. He died at home, in front of me. His heart just gave up on him and no matter what I did, or tried to do, it was impossible for me to help him. With tears rolling down my cheeks, I screamed, I cried and I tried to do CPR. I gave it my all, and despite my biggest efforts, it was in vain... I couldn't save him.
My father was my biggest supporter and definitely my biggest role model, and I wasn't ready to lose him. But I did. Because I couldn't save him. I know it wasn't my fault, but I still blame myself for not being strong enough to revive him.
Despite all the pain I felt, I hugged him for the last time when he was lying there in bed, and I told him that he didn't have to worry, because I'd take care of my mother. I was acting tough and strong. I had to be strong for the sake of my mother... And I've done everything I can to take care of her ever since. I help her with whatever things it might be. Grocery shopping, paying bills or take out the trash. Whatever it might be, I'm there for her.
It wasn't until about a year after my father had passed away I started to suffer from mental illness. I had "locked away" all my emotions and I did everything I could to ignore this horrifying thing for as long as I could, but I eventually broke down. My body and my mind literally gave up. I couldn't withstand it anymore... So I broke down.
I've suffered from panic attacks, anxiety and depression since 2013. Some days are obviously better than others, and nowadays, I've learned to handle things far better than in the beginning, but I still can't withstand everything at all times. I still suffer.
I've lost many friends and I've felt alone... At one point, I couldn't even go out in public. I still struggle with that occasionally but I continue to push myself, as much as I can. My life is far from how it once were...
More than 1000 people in Sweden commit suicide each year due to mental illness. That's four times more lives, than people dying in traffic. A very strong risk factor for suicide is depression. The number of sick leave due to mental illness increased 67 percent between 2010 and 2015.
Yet, it's still almost "taboo" to talk about mental illness. I want to help people who suffers from mental illness to live their lives to the fullest... I want to be the help I never felt I had.
With that being said...
Quitting is not an option. I can't give up on my dreams. I want to make a difference in the world, and I know that I'll be able to do that if I stick with my education. I might not have such big impact in the world, but if I can get one person to feel better about themselves, and to live their life to the fullest, my mission will be accomplished. I want to heal the world.
That same mindset, is what I have on Steemit.
It's not about me "saving" people, but I want to make a difference. Something sustainable that really counts. Something that makes this a better place. That's the reason for the @asapers initiative. Due to life and other commitments, the @asapers have been very inactive in terms of featuring authors and sharing rewards, but both @shai-hulud and @insideoutlet are still curating. The asapers might look inactive, but the official account still does work and the discord channel is still growing steadily.
We're still looking for new members who're interested in writing the asapers-issues.
That same mindset is also the reason for the "Push People To 500 SP"-initiative. A simple, yet effective method to build something that can resemblance the first real middle-class on Steemit. We are 11 out of 11, so we've been very successful so far. However, like I've said previously, it's a very tedious task to browse through literally hundreds of users each week to find good and eligible candidates, and due to my situation, it's an overwhelming task.
Requirements:
We only push active people who are dedicated and spam-free. The users we push must have less than 500 Steem Power, but preferably more than 450. (Especially during the early stages, as we lack the necessary support to push people with less than 450 SP.) - We will not push people who're in the middle of a power down as that will be contradictory to our entire purpose. Reputation score doesn't matter, but people who're repeatedly getting flags will not be eligible for a community push.
Due to the current situation, changes have been made. Much due to @phoenixwren's comment in my previous article. From the time I write this, I will not search for candidates. Anyone interested in this, will have to apply.
So, if you meet the requirements above, feel free to send me a message on Discord, or reply in any of my articles stating that you're interested in a community push.
and with my mental illness in mind,
what options remains?
I can barely survive as it is now. I work extra, study full time and use some of my earnings from Steemit. So, to work more is one option. However, I know it will affect my studies negatively, so it's not the most optimal option. And even if it doesn't affect my studies in a negative way, it will most certainly have a negative affect on me, as a person, and with my mental illness in mind, it's not an option I'm in favor of.
Am I Too Blind To See That Quitting Is In Fact
The Only Logic Option I Have?
Dude! @hitmeasap! How old are you? You seem to be carrying a lot of weight on some very young shoulders.
I have struggled with anxiety and depression for a long time. It has taken me more than a decade to even understand what is it, let alone find strategies to be able to manage it.
I did find anti-depressants helpful as they levelled me off while I got a few things in order. I don't think they are a good long term option, but in the short term they did help me settle down and allowed me to not feel so overwhelmed.
I never imagined I would be where I am today, so if you feel it's not all quite going to plan, it's okay. Sometimes letting go and allowing life to happen can be just as important as having a plan and sticking to goals.
I wish I could do more to help you realise the world is not going anywhere, if you need time to slow down or take a break. That's perfectly okay.
Take care of yourself
@kabir88
I don't know about young... I'm 33 years old. Born in September 1985.
Yeah, it's a very long process. I still struggle but I've been able to handle things better with time. I often react to the symptoms differently and I can sort of "calm myself" to prevent "hell from breaking loose". It doesn't work everytime though. Far from it.
I've tried a wide variety of meds and pills and they helped me in the beginning, but I stopped taking meds relatively quick because I started to feel worse with time.
Regarding taking a break or slowing down:
Well, even if I wanted too, I haven't been in a position where I could do it. I can't afford to do it and my studies are extremely important for me. It helps me and I get more knowledge which helps me to feel better too.
This whole scenario is pretty messed up, and I have no idea what I'll do... But I need to figure something out before it's too late. Thanks for the comment, I appreciate it and I hope you'll be okay. :)
33 years old! I remember being 33 and in my first year back in college. I thought i was so old. I felt so self conscious sometimes in class. I remember anxiety attacks over paper work and student loans and grants and constantly wondering how i would ever handle all the endless details. And taking absurd classes they made me take if i wanted to graduate. I went back to take ART, drawing and painting. People would ask my major and look at me like i was an idiot when i told them. I've had depression and anxiety my entire life. Oddly enough i had a certainty and confidence about making art and i knew i was good at it so i just kept going. That was 27 years ago. All the 18 year old friends i made and all the pretty girls i thought i was too old and broke and stupid and depressed and nervous to ask out are 45 years old now! Most of my teachers are retired and many have passed away. These years have flown by in the blink of an eye. I'm not sure this is any help at all. Probably i'm just another annoying irritation. I was there where you are now. I tried everything to lesson the noise, depression and thoughts of wanting to quit. I thought about killing myself often because it seemed the only way to stop the shit in my head. I loved painting and 3/4ths of my school time was spent doing other bullshit and worrying about how i would ever get any of it done. Oh and i tried to help others too. Yes i did that and still do. But it also made me sicker and more screwed up. I have no idea how to explain that in a comment here. Maybe the one thing that i could say is, do the thing. The one thing, that you KNOW you want and are good at and can do. I painted. What is it for you?
Yes there are thousands of things.
Are they even yours? What is it you truly want to do. You know without having to think about. Choose that and you might feel a huge relief. I did but i had to keep choosing it everyday. Every 10 minutes. I would forget and then remember. I would get lost in other peoples points of view, their wants, wish's and desires. That will kill people like me. Being here on steemit ruins me on a daily basis. The judgement, rejection, being completely ignored. But that's another story.
Creative people who suffer depression, anxiety etc. will NEVER be understood or accepted by at least half the population. They don't get it and never will. How do i know this? I'm 60 years old and have been dealing with it for that long. I can tell you it will pass and it will. will it be cured? lol maybe maybe not. Keep going, there's plenty of fun things too
Thank you for your comment, I appreciate it. It was such a long comment so I'll focus on answering your questions in it.
In short, I'm a pillar of support. I've always been that "go to" guy, ever since I was a little kid. Whenever someone had problems, if they felt sad or had a bad day, they came to me. My entire life has been like that.
I've been there for my friends and for my family. I've been there for my mother and I was there for my father when he was still alive. People have always been able to rely on me... And I like to be that person.
Ever since I started to suffer from mental illness, I've been eager to make a real difference. I want to help others. I want to help people who suffers from mental illness to live their lives to the fullest, and that's why I've started to study. I've studied since March this year, and I worked as a full time freelancer for years before I took that "leap of faith" and started to study.
I might not be that same type of person on Steemit, but I work to make this a better place. I'm the co-founder of the asapers and I'm the founder of the "push people"-initiative. Both are projects to improve the overall experience and to make Steemit a better place.
However, I might be doing things wrong though. I mean, I'm only human, I make mistakes and it's nothing that says that what I'm doing is what's best... But it is what I personally believe is the best I can do.
I hear you - and you know where I am for a random text chat on discord.
For now - I just want to take a little weight off your shoulders - I've just sent you a gift of 15 SBD. It's a GIFT and is not to be returned. You can spend it however you like. This week maybe a good use would be a small luxury for you and your mum.
Please feel free to call on me for help. I will put my thinking hat on. I know you have a great community spirit and will continue to add value to the community on here.
Best Wishes CC
Wow, thanks man. Thank you very much. I appreciate your generosity and I'm thankful for all the things you've done for me previously too. Our conversations are always rewarding, in all aspects, and I appreciate that you take the time to chat.
Cheers!
Hugs to you. I'm glad at least searching for candidates is off your plate. I keep hoping we'll have another bear market soon so those of us that really could use the financial help can breathe a little.
Thanks @phoenixwren. I'll probably do another announcement later on. A more proper one that doesn't include all this other shit. I just started to write and I couldn't stop...
The sharing is good, it's important to have a sounding board and be reminded that what goes on in the mind isn't always a fair reflection of the world outside.
Vent away, I do it, too.
It sounds like you need to pause for a moment, let all guilt and all the things you think you need to do go for a moment and relax. Then assess from a more distant perspective.
When we feel out of control, like you must have watching your father die and not being able to do anything to save him, we can subconsciously try to get control back in other ways. We can end up taking on more and more, trying to do more and more to try and make that difference, to make a change. When things don't seem to be making any impact, we think maybe we just need to try harder, so we add more pressure onto ourselves. We might see others making what we feel are bigger differences, so work harder again to keep up. The truth is, that we can't change everything, we aren't superhuman, but we don't always see that those little things we've done have a bigger impact than we might realise.
Relinquish everything for a moment, a day a week, more if you need. Then assess what is the most important thing for you, first and foremost. Everything else can wait. You can't help anyone else if you don't take care of yourself first. If your education is important, focus on that and finding a way to get yourself through to the end of next year.
I guarantee that you will never be able to save the world, your country, Steemit or much else that isn't entirety within your control. You can save yourself though and in doing so you can enrich the lives of those around you. That is not only enough, it's a gift for those you touch.
As for finding minnows to feed, you're right to say you will no longer look for them. There really aren't that many, at least at this time, who fit the criteria. If they have the determination to build on here, then they will come to you or be guided to you. If you search too hard you'll end up pushing some that may not be able to commit long term to steemit anyway. You've made a huge impact on those you've already pushed and you've touched all those who've helped to push. I, for one, have started looking at more ways that I can support other redfish here. I'd like to think we're ask adding to the snowball.
Posted using Partiko Android
I like your style @hitmeasap! :D
Thanks Dave. I'm not sure I like it, but I'm glad someone does. :)
I'm so sorry you had to watch your Father die.
Have the knowledge that you were there for him when he needed you most; he did not have to die afraid and alone, and that is a good thing.
My Father is dying very slowly in the hospital. It seems the medical community does not do much in the way of Healing, people heal themselves, what the establishment is good at, is keeping people on the verge of death, suffering in a state of near death..
i want to ask a couple of questions, do not feel obligated to answer; your life is your own to share what you will.....
After you suffered your Father's death, did you begin to take pharmaceuticals for depression?
I can not warn people enough, to stay away from pharmaceuticals, especially the serotonin re-uptake inhibitors,
THEY CAUSE HOPELESSNESS DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS......
Do you understand that what you're going through is natural, and that one doctor's diagnosis, is just one man's opinion?
The only thing worth quitting are actions that have a detrimental affect on you, or the people around you...
You are crying out for help and i feel you..
Perhaps talking to a counselor would help you to feel better..
Going outside of your comfort zone is a good way to experience the Joy of Living once again, and that is a fact!
I wish you the best, keep your chin up, believe in yourself, Love yourself..
Remember, people fear what they do not understand..
Well, that's not entirely true, I guess. Because it wasn't something we expected. He just collapsed on the floor, but I wasn't to clear with that in the article.
No. It wasn't until about a year later when I suffered from my first panic attack I started to suffer from mental illness. Everything came at me like a lightning bolt.
I talked to several psychologists, and I went in and out from Hospitals as I thought I was about to die each time I suffered from a panic attack. It wasn't until then I started to take meds.
I stopped taking meds after a few months though, after several attempts on a wide range of different pills, because I felt worse.
Yes and no.
I've talked to several psychologists and doctors, so I know that the diagnosis are accurate and real so to speak. I know how I feel, and I know that I suffer from mental illness, but I also know that many of the things I feel and experience is natural, even though my panic attacks are the worst thing ever.
I still, to this day, struggle to understand and realize that it's a panic attack and not myocardial infarction I suffer from for instance. When a panic attack sets in.
Thank you for the comment, I appreciate it and I hope you'll be okay.
Tricky thing Life; nobody survives it..
We must "Endeavor just to persevere".
Brotha I have read this and thought about all your struggles. I am proud of the work you're putting into your content and I am proud of you for putting yourself out there. Not everyone has this type of courage to share their personal struggles with the world. All I can do is say that no matter what decision you make for your education the sun will always rise tomorrow. Opportunities present themselves in my different forms. You might find all the answers you're looking for tomorrow, or in a month or so. Just keep your head up and keep pushing forward. That is what life is all about!
I've actually never felt comfortable sharing things from my personal life, as I know that negative stuff often annoys people... But due to Steemit and due to the support I've been able to gain during my time here, I've also started to feel more comfortable sharing things, no matter what it is. It's okay to feel sad or have a bad day, week, month or year...
I like to share stuff and any input or support is always encouraging. I wouldn't have shared personal things if I didn't have the awesome audience I have. It's because of my readers I'm starting to feel more comfortable, so the least I can do, is to continue to share things.
I'm trying... But I wonder if it's time to go a different route, as I can't really see how I'll ever be able to continue with my education for instance. I'm trying to figure out a way... Something doable... But it's hard.
Thanks for the comment though, I appreciate it! :)
Thank you for what you do for the community. Know that it is noticed and appreciated. This community is a better place because of you.
I've had issues myself and my daughter suffered from panic attacks etc., no need to explain the circumstances. You have a lot on your plate, and you probably need to relieve some of it. To echo some of what thedarkhorse said, Delegate. For me learning to delegate was one of the hardest leadership lessons to learn, after all no one can do it as well as you can...
Two things that we have found that can help sometimes.
Finding someone to talk to, not a clinical person. Just someone to listen, they may offer advice, but that is not the primary purpose, it is just to listen.
The other can be done by yourself. Grab a pencil and a sheet of paper and start making a list of everything you are thankful for. It can start off as simple as I'm thankful that "I was able to get out of bed today" "for air to breathe" etc. It might surprise you how fast the list grows.
I have a prediction that I know will come true. You will make an impact on the world, because you already are, and the world is a better place because you are in it.
source
Thank you for your comment @coinsandchains.
This is basically what happened with this post. This was supposed to be something entirely different, but when I started to write, it was impossible to stop. That's why this post is all over the place.
However, I appreciate these tips and even though I don't really talk with people that often, (weird comment from someone who publicly shares these types of things) I do write stuff. Both on paper, on my phone and my computer. I've always liked to write, long before I started to suffer from mental illness actually. I even started to write on my biography many years ago, but I haven't looked at it since 2012.
Thank you very much, I truly appreciate it. I hope you and your daughter is and will be okay.
the days of feeling productive will come back...
it's the breathing cycle of life... sometimes we run out of breath... but if we can find some rest, we'll be able to get back on our feet.
stay strong!
Yeah, I hope so. Thanks for the comment. :)
@Fraenk you took the Words right out of My mouth
All I can say is crisis plus time = humour.
All in all, we are just a collection of space shit that has come together for a short time to breathe a few years. This stupid shit might get you down but it can't knock you out.
Use your earnings to stabilize your life so we can keep going here. Nothing wrong with that.
I am here for the next push.
Thank you, I'm glad you continue to support the project. I'm not sure how I'll do things from now on, personally, but I need to figure something out. Something sustainable, because this doesn't work... Well, it won't work.
I hear you @hitmeasap What if you used the committee of people you named in your initial post to look out for good folks to push? I am sure we would take that load off you from all the good people we each follow and can bring you people rather than have people nominate themselves?
I am sure I would not be the only one who would be happy to.
The initial idea I had, was to find a few good candidates, and after a successful push, I hoped that people would've started to recommend others... But, it wasn't as successful as I wanted it to be. That's why I continued to look for candidates each time. (I did have awesome help, but not as much as I wished for).
However, I will make a new post, a proper one, were I share the updates regarding the community pushes. People will need to apply, if they are eligible, and if they're interested. This will also take away any potential suspiciousness some people might have, that I'm biased in the choices and so on too, so it's definitely a step in the right direction.
If it is more help you need and you want to stay unbiased, I would say ask for help from that group. I bet some of them were like me and happy to follow your lead and support the people you have found. I could scan the awesome people I have found and support to find plankton on the verge of minnow for a push. Other supporters the same?
Either way, I will watch and see how you change it and support in any way I can.
Updates have been shared in my latest article. :)
(You're obviously free to search for people too)
When I have good options for you from @pifc or @minnowbuilder I will be pushing them your direction as we talked about.
Now with the "business" out of the way, let me say I understand your position with feeling overwhelmed and I don't deal with depression so can't imagine how that adds to things. What I have found is anytime I'm questioning the efforts made I look to those who I have supported and they without fail remind me that the efforts are worthwhile. Also it takes a lot, but delegate out some tasks to others and take that off your plate. Plenty of good people on steemit that want to step up and do more to help others but aren't sure how so empower them!
There are lots of people who appreciate your efforts here and I hope that you see enough love in the comments from this post to know that.
If you are feeling down feel free to message me on discord day or night and we can chat. Doesn't have to be about anything in particular and you don't need to explain why, just drop me a message and I'll reply as quickly as possible.
Thanks mate, I appreciate it. Now with the new changes to the project, it'll be easier for everyone to get picked up too. As I searched for eligible candidates manually before, there were always a risk of being overlooked so to speak, but now, people can just apply for a community push if they meet the requirements. I truly think it's the best option.
Yeah, it certainly helps. Just looking through the asapers and the "push people"-initiative helps a lot. It's wonderful to see what we can achieve as long as we work towards the same goals.
I find it very difficult to find these sort of people though. But it might be because I'm asking for too much or don't know where to look. I know that they exist though, there's no question about that. It's just a matter of finding them, and to figure out what I need them to do.
Well, I'll see how things goes. It's crazy hectic and a really scary situation right now, but I need to figure something out. Something sustainable, because I'm not ready to give up, even though it might be my only option.
Application style is great. Make a set of questions that someone needs to answer to make sure they are the type of steemian you want to push.
Yeah, I'll do a more proper announcement later on. It wasn't really my intention to write this article like this... But I just couldn't stop to write when I started.
Know how that goes. I did a freewrite the other day and it was all over the place.
I love Sweden, but it does have some silly rules at times. I'm sorry you're getting the short end of the stick in this case! Take care of you - first and foremost. We don't get to hear from you if you don't...
I've felt bad that I haven't picked up the slack while the others haven't been up to curating on Asapers, but I'm only barely up to handling my own at the moment. There have been difficult energies around recently and it can be hard.
(I also have a deadline of less than three weeks before my next book needs to be ready to start sharing - I'm a little more behind than I thought I was...)
Anyway, I want you to feel better (as and when you can) and take care of yourself - BE your first priority!
Beste hilsen! (I know that's the Norwegian spelling...)
Yeah, it's messed up. And there's literally no other way to get an extended student loan either. When you've used the amount of days they allow, you're done. It doesn't matter if you owe them anything, if you pay back or whatever. It's impossible to get a new student loan when you've used up the days you're entitled too.
No worries regarding the asapers. People are busy for various reasons, but I would love to see the project to continue, which is why I've been trying to get some "fresh blood". It's literally impossible to rely on the few members we've had, so we should probably have tried to grow our team a long time ago... But better late than never I guess? :)
I hope you'll be okay with the book and all, and "bästa hälsningar" from me. That's the Swedish spelling. :P
Tusen tack för det. :-)
I learned at one point that if I could only learn one, it should be Norwegian - more able to be understood in all three. If only you Swedes would pronounce all your syllables! I'd put more energy into learning that one - since I have known cousins in Blekinge - whereas I haven't met any living relatives in Norway yet. Anyway, enough teasing.
It really does sound backwards on the student loan thing. It may stop people from running up too much debt (I assume that's the reasoning) - but it prevents people from finishing their education too.
Yes, growing Asapers would be great! It's a big job!
I'll be okay with the book.
I've almost got my cover image done now - I'm doing it with 3D models (DAZ Studio) this time. I've got them designed and posed now, just playing with the lighting, then it's fairly easy in Photoscape and GIMP after that (I'll probably do a quick tutorial on that part.)
I have some maps that need to be done - a major one has to be done before I can begin the book, but the others can be staggered in throughout, so I have some time there. (Another tutorial coming on that one.)
As I do this wraparound novella, I had a major issue a couple of weeks ago when I had to "bump" one of the novellas into the next book as it was growing too long, very quickly. So, then the wraparound had to adjust to fit the change. Not too bad.
But then, Tuesday, I realized that no. 2 in the lineup had some major re-editing to do too... I thought it was pretty much done and dusted. I've readjusted 10 chapters now, but have probably another 20 to do, so that will take me into next week on that one...
I should be done in time, lol. But I do put this pressure on myself - if I didn't, I'd not keep it up and leave it sit for months instead of working on something that's really become something special.
Sounds like you have some work to do... But I'm sure you'll make it. :)
Yeah, Sweden is great in many aspects but it's f#cked up when it comes to student loans. I can understand that they have some sort of limit though, but I can't see the point of not giving me student loans for the entire education.
I mean, my grades are fine, I behave and I do whatever needs to be done... Can't be too hard to just allow me another 6 months or so... But nope. Impossible.
It doesn't even matter if I pay back the entire debt. I won't be eligible new student loans no matter what. The only way I'd be able to get new student loans is if I started university-studies, which I might do in the future... But it's no point of dropping school 6 months before I graduate, to go to a University instead. It beats the entire purpose of this education.
6 more months. That's all I need... But it's impossible, so I need to fund the last 6 months myself...
Cover image is nearly done now. I've got the hard part done. I might still want to do something else with it, but I'll write up a tutorial first and post that tomorrow. The image itself turned out really nice. I'm pleased with it. The final render of the 3D part took 2 hours of CPU time!
I agree that there really seems to be no point in them not helping you out that little bit more you need. Short sighted. Wyoming is cheap, btw, lol. (Even out-of-state tuition.) Not that it would help you.
What are you doing now? I'm trying to work out the Swedish system. Are you in a college? Something that can switch to a University?
What's your subject?
Oh, sounds cool. I'll make sure to take a look at it when you share it.
Nah, I'm in Komvux as it's called. I think it's called, Municipal adult education(?). It's basically high school studies until December 2019 and after that, I'll be able to go to college. If I want too.
The education now is enough to work as a treatment assistant though, which is what I'm striving for right now. But I might go to college later on...
I guess time will tell.
Edit:
I just realized that I didn't answer the last question.
I study health- and social care, (Vård och omsorg). My goal is to work with people who suffers from mental illness.
I looked up the Wikipedia article on the Komvux.
Sounds like a good thing for you. You'd think that they'd be wanting to encourage everyone to finish since it's for the betterment of the community as a whole, right?
Sounds like a good direction as well. I hope it works out and you find the funds necessary to keep you going!
If you give up you will regret it. Take some days off, clear your head, detox your mind from all the negative thoughts. With a relax clear head you will find new ways to deal with everything. Good luck!
I hear you and I appreciate the suggestions, but I'm not that type of person. I rather walk through fire than around it. I've always been like that... But it might be a better idea to take a short break.
Hugs @hitmeasap
I'm so sorry that you are going through this
Sending you a ton of love and light
Don't quit,
@phoenixwren's idea is brilliant
I will wait for the next post to resteem
❤️
Thank you @kaerpediem, I appreciate it. I'm glad you liked the idea. It will be the "new standard" from today.
I have been following along, observing from a distance. Sorry I missed a week actually been feeling bad about that.
I think an application process is a great idea! Hope the project continues so I myself can apply one day ;)
I know about depression and anxiety and I know about getting froze up and ability to function. What I don't know is anything I can type onto the screen that will be of any benefit.
Discord me anytime. If you decide to delegate some jobs maybe I can pick up a task here and there.
The project will continue. I will make a proper post where I announce the news about the application process. This was supposed to be that, before I started to write... But it became something entirely different.
Thanks for the comment, I appreciate it. :)
Well I did mean it I am on Discord if you need anything.
Dear @hitmeasap , Where to start, I just read the nlog, I dont know Why I missed it but I read it now, and All the comments, you’ve got friends dear and I am one off them. Everybody told you something that I wanted to say too, listen to you innervoice, take a steemrest ask Dave , Lynn did it! And @phoenixwren I Will help you take over tasks together with @headchange and @tryskele and All the others. The pussed ones Will be There too, and like I did before I Will lurk through the newbies, but its a slow time, so maybe push 3 newbies untill 31-12 Thats more than 1 a month !!! Let me know and we could do a hitmeindiscordasap group to uplift eachother When feeling down. I am here to help. And we could even do a student Steem Loan, what is the needed amount? Maybe There is someone who knows Where to start . You are NOT ALONE not with the psychic issues, not eith the Jack of energy , with nothing we All find it hard ! But as a 44 year old mum I say I WILL BE OK. And trust UPI. That even in bad times
@brittandjosie, thank you for the comment. I appreciate it!
I've published updates for the push people-initiative. We'll go with an application-process from now on. That way, none of us will have to search for users, so it should save everyone time.
Haha, even though I'd love to see such a group, I don't really think it's necessary. There's a million groups already, so I can't really see why we would need a new one for something like that. But it would've been dope to see it. :D
You mean the amount I need to continue my education? - I get about ~$1100 per month, and even though I work extra and use some of my Steem income, I still struggle. I can barely afford my living expenses as it is, so from the middle of 2019, things will be really messed up... Well, at least if Steem & SBD stays at these prices.
I feel you @hitmeasap. I've been in the same boat for a while. I don't want to give up, I just don't have the energy I did. I signed up in Dec and have worked my tooshie off to get where I am. I have not put any personal funds into my account. Just too stinkin broke.
I don't know if you've seen any of my Mindfulness Mondays or some other postings. I have lived with depression, anxiety and PTSD for 30 years now. Been off and on medication so much it's not wonder it feels like nothing works anymore. The only thing that works is me when I can manage to control me. I don't want mental illness to be 'taboo' anymore. I honestly feel the more we talk about it, it will help someone. One of my main goals has been to educate on these issues and discuss (work on discussing) the varied activities one can 'help' themselves with.
We almost lost a wonderful Steemian this weekend. They were just at the end of their rope. After talking it turned out we have many similarities. I am extremely glad they weren't successful.
It does sound like you need 'me' time. Or just a little time off Steem to get life back in order.
I would like to be considered for your 'push', I'll make it one way or another, help is always greatly appreciated.
Thank your for the comment @tryskele. Mental illness is "taboo", which is insane, as so many people suffer from it... But I agree with you, it will help someone the more we talk about it. At least, that way they'll be able to see that they're not alone.
Yeah, I might be in need of "me" time, but that's also one of my biggest problems right now... There's basically no room for "me" time, because time is limited. Especially nowadays. So, I'm in the middle of this entire nightmare and I can't find any shortcuts, or exits. The only way, seems to be to go through the fire... But even if I do, I might not be able to get out. At least not the way I want.
I'm trying, and I will continue to push myself... I just hope that I'll be able to choose the right door whenever I find one.
You're welcome @hitmeasap. I still have issues with me time. I find when I can get it in, it really helps. I totally understand about time being limited. Tonight was the first night I had to myself all week. I was setup to paint and watch a movie....I played some silly game on the computer and just zoned out LOL.
I am sure you will you'll make the right choice if a choice is needed. You seem to have good instincts.
Thank you, I appreciate it. I can totally relate to the things you've said here. I don't paint, but I watch movies, series and play games amongst other things, and I often end up just staring at the screen... lol.
I hope you're okay, and I hope I'll be okay too.
I do a lot of staring at the screen. Especially lately when I get time to post. I'm hanging in there. Sounds bad, I've been through this so many times, I just know it's a matter of time. I have become the mask master LOL Ironically, I don't share much on how I am feeling with friends and family. All I get is, just get over it type comments to where I just want to scream back, DON'T YOU THINK I WISH I COULD! or Do you really believe I want to feel this way or have my life interrupted every so often?
There is a rather large group of people just like us right now feeling the same way for various reasons and we're not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. We're losing hope and that's when things turn south. I'll be fine, I am more worried about other people, the ones that haven't been taught properly how to work through this. It took me 25 years to find a therapist that hasn't put me in the hospital for one reason or another. So I have taken her beliefs and the skills she has taught me and have run with them. It's the whole reason I do my Monday postings.
I think the worst thing is we all have this let down right now because of the Hardfork. The game has changed too much and takes way too much time and energy for little to no reward.
I like how @steemitbloggers does their application process. I love the group as much as I love @asapers and @pifc. I spend so much time building others up and commenting, I don't get enough time for me to post or I don't know I just don't feel like it my energy is zapped. My Steemit world seems to be crumbling around me along with my life and I am more concerned with trying to be understanding support for others. It's so much better getting honest support from someone whose been through this, that understand the mentality behind it all and willing to talk about it, than to get a pat on the shoulder from say you're best friend You'll be ok, it's just in your head.
I see everyone has been a little chatty and you've responded to everyone. That takes strength. A lot of strength when you're feeling this way. That's honestly why I believe you'll be ok. It's just going to take some time. Maybe you should try painting. Look up Jackson Pollock's style seems like it would be a great release. Dip your brush in the paint and just splatter the paint it to make streaks and such. Kind of like filling up a cup and just throw it at wall LOL.
You just planted 0.10 tree(s)!
Thanks to @phoenixwren
We have planted already 6102.63 trees
out of 1,000,000
Let's save and restore Abongphen Highland Forest
in Cameroonian village Kedjom-Keku!
Plant trees with @treeplanter and get paid for it!
My Steem Power = 19052.56
Thanks a lot!
@martin.mikes coordinator of @kedjom-keku