Tomorrow, I fly to the UK for the first time in 16 months. My daughter lives there and I miss her, a lot.
Projecting these thoughts out is not easy, and I read conflicting views as to whether there is a benefit to doing this, or if it actually makes things worse.
I suppose there's only one way to find out.
Three years ago, I left the UK following a personal struggle with my mental health. I'd long been separated from my child's mother - we'd only managed three months together following my daughters birth.
The weekends were our arranged time together, but as my daughter was getting older, her own life became busier and so naturally, this reduced the physical contact - I wasn't invited to many of her social events, they were more of a 'family' thing.
Living less than 15 km away, being 'so close and yet so far', really got to me. I wasn't interested in my job any more, many of my friends had moved elsewhere, and this left me feeling 'empty'. I was living in that city to be near her, and this was 3/4 days and nights a month. I lived for these days, but that left a lot of days in-between where I felt so low.
After some time off work and plenty of time to reflect, I made the brave decision to leave the UK, for sunshine and less stress. Being in a new place, with less worries day-to-day, seemed to level me out and brighten my outlook.
I worked in a Jewelry shop here in Mallorca, and also worked as an IT consultant for the United Nations in Valencia. The last 8 months have been spent mostly in Mallorca, with short trip to Reunion and Mauritius in the middle.
There have been many occasions where I've felt happy and comfortable during the past couple of years, but on flip-side of that, there is always something in my heart and mind that is unsettled.
And I think the above quote has something to do with it.
I don't love myself for leaving her, despite the situation. I'm regretful of that, and I'm unsure at present if it's tougher being 1500 km away, or just the 15.
'She's fine, she's safe, she's happy, and she loves you'. These words you can hear a thousand times, and never truly believe them. Or at least I can't, yet. Maybe I need to hear and feel this from her, more often than at present.
There is always the possibility of moving back close by, and I guess this trip may give some clues as to if that would be a good option for us both. I could do 6 months at a time - England and Mallorca, would that work, I don't know.
What I don't want is to be where I was at mentally 3 years ago, that was no good for anyone. But I think that is down to me. An acceptance of the situation, and learning to be OK with decisions I've made.
Perhaps when I give her the biggest hug on Saturday morning, all my fears will fade away, and I need to keep a hold of that moment to give me strength and confidence for the times when we are apart.
It is about time I grasped these feelings and took control of them - the physical distance will likely be a part of the future, especially as she grows older and chooses her own way in life.
Sixteen months feels like a long time, but I still remember the last words she spoke to me in person, and to those I said 'I love you too'.
See you at the weekend my love.
Asher
Honestly, as someone who has experienced this but the other way around, this post touched my heart.
My father lives a 10 minute walk away from my house yet we do not have contact.
To read this post and to read such genuine heartfelt raw honesty makes me happy.
It gives me hope.
Because I've been so jaded about fathers (and men in general) that it really does a world of good to see a dad be so caring and loving about his daughter.
Really Ash, thank you for your words.
And regarding the situation, you need to do what feels right for you.
Please keep us updated on your journey dear!
x
Mine is the opposite to yours, yet we are all linked. It's funny, as i wrote my comment below before i read your comment. Mine is hope that my daughter will talk to me.
Now i feel if i keep messaging her i feel like a stalker. So now i just message on her birthday and Christmas. It's so sad.
Ah, it's difficult isn't it?
How long has it been since you last saw each other?
I wanted to write : Don't give up!
But I realized that's me projecting my own hope onto your story because I seriously wish my father would make the effort to make contact in a healthy normal way.
So my advice to you is this : Do what you are comfortable and happy with!
Whether that is messaging her only at Christmas and her birthday, or not messaging at all or just really going all in and making a ton of effort to connect with her.
<3
x
Thanks for your reply. I'm toying with the idea of writing mu daughter another message. However the pain it causes when the message goes unread keeps me a prisoner of my own making.
I've changed so much. I haven't seen her, or heard from them for 3 and a half years.
I sent a new year message and i don't think she even read it!! I can't blame her.
I will hopefully build up the confidence to try again soon. Thank you for your kind thoughts...
Thank you Ashley, It means a lot to have someone speak from 'the other side', even if the situation there doesn't sound ideal.
Speaking personally, the amount of time spent thinking about how my daughter is, has far outweighed anything else, since the day she arrived, and I suspect that is not as uncommon as it may seem.
We're (ok, some men) are just a bit crap about talking about it - I'm very much in this gang.
I'll likely write a blog, and include some pictures, about the time we have together over the weekend.
Thank you very much for your words too x
<3
Yes.
Enjoy the process, the journey and everything in between.
And above all, be kind to yourself and stick to your heartcenteredness!
<3
You've offered such good advice @ashleykalila. I have really appreciated reading your perspective ❤
Man.... what can be said here that hasn't already been said. All the feels in this post.
My son is 10 and is the center of my world. Without him, I don't know what I would be.
I'm a child of divorce myself. My parents split amicably, and had joint custody. So there was never any real separation from one or the other. In fact, both of my parents, and my step-parents have gathered together for special occasions through the years. We share a meal together, a birthday party, a special moment for a grand child, all are places that you will find "all four of my parents".
I hope never to be in your shoes. I know how impossible the decision to leave must have been. I can put myself in that scenario, and honestly, I don't think I could do what you did. My son is as necessary to me as food and water. That's my weakness, and your strength.
I truly hope that you have the opportunity to strengthen the bond with your daughter this weekend. The teens are coming up, and are a very special time to be involved in a child's life.
All the best Asher! I really hope this journey brings you closeness and comfort. You deserve it!
Thanks Mike
This must be pretty cool, double parents should = a more well-rounded child - at least that's where Aldus Huxley's thinking was in 'Island'.
I guess you could never know how you'd react, until being in the shoes. It was one of the most difficult decisions of my life for sure, and as you can tell, one I'm still living in doubt with - even though the immediate effect was improved health.
Thanks for the words of encouragement, I cant wait to see her comment on how much she's grown :)
Cannot imagine how your thoughts must be flipping from one side to the other! I was heartbreaking to read this!
But like you wrote, if you are not happy you cannot give hapiness to her!
I don’t have a clue about her age! Luckily technolgy has advanced in such a way that a video call has become common practice.
If she is happy and you are there for her when she needs it, distance could be overcome!
Enjoy the moment on Saturday!
Yeah, I struggle with it, but this is my life and there is plenty of other, tougher things that people have to deal with.
She's just turned 12! Some big years coming up, and maybe this is a part of the feeling of wanting to be as physically close as possible.
Yes we have the IT to bridge distance these days, it's just not the same though eh.
Thanks for your comments, I'll try my best to on Saturday (and Sunday hopefully!).
I do understand but this is a strungle in your life! It is comen to stay that some have bigger problems but those won’t keep you awake at night and something like this would!
My oldest son becomes 10 this year!
Cry your heart if needed! We, real men, aren’t affraid anymore to show our feelings! And indeed it is not the same via a video chat!
Good luck it!
Yes that's true, it's what's in your life that will/will not help you rest easy.
Thank you again for the positive response, these encouraging words help a lot :)
Your welcome! Always glad to be able to support others. For sure the ones with the heart at the right place! But I could not have done this without you given something away about your life. Thanks for that!
Glad the post has turned out positively for both and allowed some personal sharing :)
Enjoy this day at the fullest!
I'm so glad you wrote about this Ash; speaking from experience, this community is a safe place to open up in.
Your post made me cry because I can empathize with it all, especially the guilt that's involved. When I split up with my ex and met Brian, my focus went from 100% focus on them to much less, mostly because their father and I had no relationship whatsoever, and I didn't focus on him. There was of course a learning curve for all of us, but I think Brian and I taught my two boys what a loving relationship actually looks like. Also moving to Mexico and leaving them behind has left me awake some nights feeling terrible about it all; even though they are 20 and 23 now, and both tell me they understand, sometimes I just wish there was another way. But like the UK, Vancouver where we are from is a rainy dreary place for 8 months of the year sometimes, and it was truly beginning to affect my mental health and Brian's physical one.
I know I could tell you that you're a good dad, that your daughter will understand, that you guys can have a beautiful long distance relationship, blah blah blah...In the end, you have to really believe that yourself. Most of the time, I believe the same about me, but every now again, especially if I'm tired, or mentally compromised with Brian's situation, that ugly and hateful arsehole named guilt pops by to say hi. And most of the time, I visit with him for a while, then kick him out of my house, like that too drunk guy at a party that doesn't know when to simply shut his mouth. My best advice to you, would be to try and figure out a way to do the same.
Sending big internet hugs your way and hoping for a wonderful reuniting visit with your beautiful daughter!
Thank you Lynn
It is tough to write openly and throw it out there not knowing what will come back, but I know you can speak from recent experience in that the response can be really great.
I understand what you mean about the guilt of a shifting focus, but I think mine was part of my health issues as I couldn't match 'real life', with my expectations or how I wanted things to be.
The weather is a real bummer, I had a SAD lamp for the last two winters sat on my chest, about 5 inches from my face each morning - they don't do what sunlight can though!
I'll figure it all out at some point, and maybe this weekend will help a little with that. At least I'll be met with a kind of sunshine you cant get anywhere else.
Thank you!
From the looks of the comments, you are experiencing some of the same as we did!
The weather in Vancouver is the same, and I found it affecting my mental health as well. It can be terrible to deal with for sure. I too tried the SAD lamp; it's got nothing on this Mexico sun :)
sigh ...so darn sweet :)
Enjoy your little ray of sunshine!
The SAD lamp is pretty pathetic, maybe if you had 5/6 of them in one room 😁
Thank you Lynn x
I just had a vision of you lying in bed in the morning, trying to force yourself up, with 5 or 6 lamps on you and Dave's rallier card on your ceiling haha
You are welcome Ash x
😂
If the Dave card was there I wouldn't need the lamps!
That's wonderful that you're going to be seeing your daughter soon Asher @abh12345.
This is critical I think. You did the best you could at the time with what was available to you. If you could have done "better" you would have. It's so easy to look back with our current eyes and see what we could have done differently. But we weren't where we are now, back then.
I was convinced that, when my son , was little I was depressed all the time and couldn't enjoy him at all. Then recently I saw a video of us together when he was about 9 months and we were both really happy and enjoying each other. I was really surprised and the rest of the family were really surprised to learn that I thought I was miserable all the time.
It's not that I wasn't depressed. I was. And severely so. It's just that, although that's what I remember most it isn't all there is to remember.
But more important is to remember that that is over now. There's no value in revisiting it.
Please try and let go of expectation as much as you can and be with your daughter fully, now. As much as you can don't take the past with you.
Meet her where you both are this weekend. Don't think about what will happen in the future and miss these next few days.
None of us know what is ahead and we have much less control than we like to think we do.
Revel in the moment of being with her. It makes no sense in thinking about the future when she's right in front of you.
Love and hugs! 💙
Hi Gillian
Thanks for sharing a some of your personal life, and experience you have gained from that.
I really like
and
And I will try my best to heed your advice and do exactly that.
Thank you! x
💙 💛 💜 💚 💙 💛 💜 💚
Wow, this is pure raw emotions in this post and it is written so well. Your daughter will be proud of you for doing what is best. You wouldn't be any good to anyone if your not mentally, physically or emotionally happy. I hope that on Saturday you have the most incredible time of your life.
Thank you, yes it's important for me to be good in mind before i can be useful to others - thanks for the reminder, and the positive words for the weekend.
You're welcome. It takes a special father with pure love to do something so hard. It is for the right reasons though.
Well done, nice words .. safe trip
Great post from you
Thanks for sharing
Heads up, Asher.
Enjoy @abh12345 - don't dwell. You daughter loves you, and you will know that as soon as you hug her. I'm going to pretend this post didn't touch my heart and move on swiftly.....
Thanks Paula 😊
Asher, I have more in common than you realize. I had a slightly different, but similar situation with my first wife and 2 adopted kids. I was the one left out of everything, and in my case the ex was very subversive and taught the kids that I was nobody to them. I will not go into details here, just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain as I've been there.
I think the main thing I learned from the situation is that I had to do what I felt was right. Right for the kids and right for me. And there was an answer. I know that my kids have a great opportunity in life and I did a lot to make that happen. They don't really know what I sacrificed for them, but I do and that is all matters. I did the best with dealing with a difficult situation and feel that in the long run that I did it for all the right reasons. One day I hope my story gets told to them so they know just how much I love them and what I sacrificed.
I'm telling you this so that you realize that as long as you do your best with the facts you facing you, then you always are making the right choices. If those facts change, then you can reevaluate. But knowing you for this period of time, I don't think you have a selfish bone in your body. So do not worry about what happened in the past and just focus on doing what you think is best today (and tomorrow when that arrives). You are very much right in that you have to be solid and strong to be able to help others. So don't ever worry about wanting that because it is the only way you can ever help others.
I hope you have a wonderful trip and I'm excited for you to see your little girl! Something tells me that you are going to have a beautiful day that day and it will be one that you will never forget!
Hi Dave
Thanks for sharing a little of your story, and sounds like we can relate. Personal sacrifice seems ok, that is until it affects your own health - that was where I was at when I had to make a change.
One day my side will be shared, and I hope you get that opportunity too.
First message sent on UK soil 😊 Have a great weekend, I hope mine will be that too.
Cheers!
Hey Asher, I know today is going to be awesome for you! I hope you got lots of rest and give you daughter a day she will never forget! I'm very happy for you! (and for her because you are a special person that she will be blessed to have in her life!)
Thanks Dave!
I was growing up without a dad and it sucked. I've met him last year and we had a cool chat an stuff, but we haven't met since and we talked twice over the phone. Its weird.
Don't be that dad bro, always try ur best to put ur kid first cuz thats the right thing to do.
Alrighty, much love. Talk soon
Hey man
Sorry to hear about this situation you have, sounds tough.
I think cause I had 10 years of good contact, when I see her (like the last two days) we are good. She's doing awesome, and although it was sad to leave again, knowing her life is happy helps a lot.
Hope you can find a way to improve things there. Good luck.
Happy to hear yall had a good time. And I'm sure it makes your life easier knowing she's doing okay!
About my situation, it is what it is. Suck, but I'm a grown ass man...Gotta let it go. But thanks for good wishes
Yeah it really does, even though it's really saddening to leave her again at the end.
My dad died unexpectedly and there was lots I wish I'd asked and spoken about before. If yours isn't keen to talk but you know you've tried to improve things, when that day comes I think you'll have more peace in your heart.
Chins up for us eh.
"I made the brave decision to leave the UK, for sunshine and less stress."- I'm glad I'm not the only one who leaves places for sunshine. It literally makes a night and day difference in how I feel. Sun= happiness. And the occasional summer thunderstorm haha.
I'm far away from my Dad right now, and just HAD to read this post because my dad is my everything...and sometimes I question my choices to constantly be so far away from my family, especially when I know my parents are getting older (upper 60s) and there might not be a lot of time left.
Thank for sharing your raw, unfiltered thoughts. It's beautiful. I hope it helped you to get it all written down and out of your system. I hope you believe those words, and believe that she loves you. You're right that as she chooses her own path there will be physical business. But I think the bond between Father and daughter can be one of the strongest bonds on earth.
I think it's smart of you to recognize that your state of mental health isn't good for others and that you have to take care of yourself before you can give.
You know, it makes me think about someone...I won't say who. But an abusive parent, who wasn't in a good state of mental health obviously. They weren't smart enough to remove themselves from the situation and get help, and seriously damaged their relationship with their kid.
You can't pour from an empty cup. If your cup is empty, you have nothing to give.
So even though it seems like maybe a selfish decision or something that you regret, hopefully one day, your daughter will realize that working on yourself is actually a very selfless thing, because then you have more to give.
Out of love even you were willing to keep your distance, even though it obviously caused you lots of pain. That's true sacrifice. That's true love. And no distance can break that bond.
You sound like an amazing father and I'm glad that you care, when some dad's, unfortunately, don't.
How old is she? I hope you have a wonderful weekend and that your fears are eased. I don't talk to my dad as often as I should, but I know he loves me no matter what. I know I love him more than anything in the world. I'm sure she knows you love her fiercly.
Thank you so much for your comments @nomadicsoul.
I really appreciate hearing the 'other side' of the relationship between father/daughter.
It is my biggest hope that she sees what you speak about above, although it must be tough to see the whole picture at 12 years - especially when those around her may not be speaking positively about me/it.
I know there is a Father's Day to catch up with dad, but I can say that any time/any day is the right time to call. You are his sunshine and can turn any day into a bright one.
Thank you.
No doubt Asher this is big stuff. I can't speak to your situation from a dad perspective. Only from a mom's perspective. I have been living away from my daughter since September 7th 2017. Not having regular contact with her has been the hardest thing in life mentally and emotionally to manage it is impossible to put into words. Until recently we had very limited contact, mostly by text. Our relationship, and contact is slowly getting better but as her mom, i want her to live with me!! Period. Alas, it's not her wish at the moment. I just keep letting her know my home is her home. And, I hope to good heavens we live together again one day. I hope sharing has helped you to feel better about this extremely complex situation. I wish you so much love, comfort and really fun bonding times during your time with your daughter. Hugs ❤❤❤
Hi @yogajill
Thank you for sharing your story, this isn't easy and I appreciate to some extent how difficult it is from a mother/daughter perspective.
I think that always being open and making sure our children know we are there whenever they need us, is the main thing we can offer while there is distance between us.
I hope your wishes are granted sometime in the future, and thank you very much for your words of support.
You're welcome Asher ❤ on the other hand -- my son longs to spend time (frequently) with his dad. To no avail 😔 his dad rarely reaches out to him to connect. Even when he's in town working he could stop have lunch, take him to work a while, just be together. But, it's endlessly more complicated from his dad's perspective. He's always too busy or preoccupied to make his son a priority. I just try to do my best. It's all we can offer. Pray it works out 🙌 Much love & peace sweet @abh12345 ❤
I know it's hard to believe it because you don't know. I ask myself similar question and my child is only a 45-minute drive away.
I've chosen to stay near the area and advance my career, etc. since I didn't feel good about leaving the state, especially when my relationship with the mother hasn't been great even before the birth.
What you chose, you chose with a heavy heart. I hope you find solace.
At least now I know there are more "single dads" like us around.
Hey
Well done for sticking reasonably close by, sounds like you've had it tough for a while.
Thank you, and thanks for sharing some of your story too.
Ash
This brought tears to my eyes. Being a parent isn't easy no matter how you slice it. I hope you have a wonderful reunion with your daughter, and that your path becomes more clear in your mind. Love to you and your family!
Thank you very much @katrina-ariel
It was a lovely weekend, my not so little girl is doing so well and I'm very proud.
The path isn't clear, but I do want to see her more often so we shall see.
Best wishes to you and yours.
Aw, glad to hear. Our paths aren't always clear, but you keep walking it and I'm sure it will unfold. 💖
I shall, thank you!
Like many here I have had a childhood without spending much time with my dad. But the time he spent away from us does not mean that he loves us any less... it was his own way of showing us that he cared, and that he was willing to sacrifice something which was important to him so that he can do what he thinks is right for his family. If you use love as the motivation and not as the excuse then you have done everything that you can as a parent. Hopefully we will see a post with a big hug and happy smiles :)
Hi @plushzilla
Thank you for the kind words of support - it's really good to hear that you can appreciate the sacrifice from your dads side, and know that it's a way to put the children first, and a really heart-wrenching thing to do.
I had the best weekend, and will use this to think about when I'm feeling unsettled in future.
Thank you.
Hey Asher, reading your post made me happy and sad at the same time.
I don't know whether being far or "near and still far" is the right thing to do, but I think the way you love your daughter and the fact that you put so much energy and thoughts into it, already shows that everything is gonna be ok between you.
Parents do go separate ways quite often. What matters, is that they still both love and care about their children.
I am still pretty young, so who am I to say that?! On the other hand, I have many friends who had similar things going on in their childhood...
Anyways, good luck!
Thanks for your kind words @herbaliblog, I hope the same.
Being near and 'so far' was really tough, but maybe a compromise can be found in future.
Thank you, and best wishes to all.
I truly hope things go well this weekend. I wish you and your daughter only but best. How old is she now? Old enough to have a talk about where you were mentally three years ago, or the reasons behind the decisions?
If so, I hope you get a chance to talk about those things.
You described this as a vacation or holiday. It sounds more like a family reunion. One that could alter your life again.
I guess be prepared for anything isn't very helpful advice, but managing expectations might not be a bad thing to try to do. Be ready, be prepared. Hope for the best. What else can you do?
She's 12, and so old enough to listen, as she did when I spoke to her a few years ago when I'd decided this was what I was doing.
That was a tough day for sure.
Talking about it can help, but I guess what she wants more than that, is to have me around. But there is not much benefit to either of us, if i'm not happy being there - waiting for the weekend as was the case previously.
I've never been one to get overly excited about things, probably over-managing with low expectations is where you'll find me!
I'll be taking it as it comes, she's a young adult now, and I hope we can talk openly about things - that will help.
Cheers Glen.
Hi Asher, personally I think it's better to be at 1500 km, than at 5 minutes walking distance.
I understand very well that when your girl 16 months ago said: 'I love you too', this guilty kind of feeling you must have had back then, is coming back now, knowing you'll see her soon.
Although I've got quite some "bagage" as well, I can't really advise you on this. I think nobody can actually.
Take it as it comes and be honest in the way to not beat around the bush about things.
Would you decide to continue the current situation (which I feel a bit if I read well) make sure that even you're far away from her, she can call you at any time of the day or night. And when really needing help, you'll drop everything that's in your hands and be on the first plane to be there for her.
It speaks for itself that I wish you a very great time with your girl.
Take care.
You could be right - It was certainly my thinking a few years ago. Easier to excuse the time you can't be with her on another Island.
I'm going to make sure that's clear to her, and have said she can call/text anytime - no harm in reminding her of this I think.
Thanks very much for your input, fellow baggage handler :)
Hey, you are human and not a bot. :)
As parents, we want to give our all to our children. The love, the joy, the childhood every child deserves in life. We want the sunshine rays to shine brightly on them so they grow up to be a beautiful person and we also want them to reach for the stars above. It is a never-ending tug at the heart because you want to give them everything but to also be happy yourself.
Can we as parents, give our kids happiness if we're not happy ourselves? They're smart and perceptive and will know deep in their heart that mommy or daddy is not happy (but trying his/her best to be). I believe you would have journeyed down misery lane if you had stayed just for your daughter's sake. Those dark clouds would have continued to engulf and suffocate you. You wouldn't have been good for her well-being with those 3/4 days spent with her. It definitely would not have been good for your mental health.
Sending you best wishes for this weekend's visit.
Not always a bot :)
Thanks for your input, I know you are right in that they will know if M or D isn't happy - at 9 she would have seen it, and nowadays for sure. So at least I can head over there and devote some quality time to her.
I'll see how she feels about a trip over in the summer, I think it's more her choice these days.
Thank you very much for your comments @beeyou :)
The quote is accurate. You have to love (and forgive) yourself before you can love someone else. You have to have your mental health as well as physical health in order to grow. The time away from the stress has been good for you. The bond between a father and daughter is special and unique. I have seen it with my sons and their daughters. You don't say how old your daughter is, but I believe when children age they come to the realization that quality (undivided) attention is better than little or no attention. Take your time and see where your relationship takes you...
Hi @cecicastor
Thank you for your comments, I do agree that the quote is right - sometimes these quotes are easier said than done i think!
My daughter is 12 now, and some important years are ahead. I'd like to see them, but knowing she is happy and we are good with each other will help me when that isn't possible.
Thank you.
Take any time with her that you get, I'm sure she appreciates it.
I grew up without my Dad around, at one stage I didn't see him for five years straight - tough on a kid who's just starting school.
Eventually things changed and I got to see him first annually and then more frequently after I left school and got a job.
Unfortunately outside influences have once again enstranged us to the point of almost no communication, even by phone. But I tell you this:
I've never begrudged my Dad the past that was dealt us, I don't blame him for our current situation either, I'm genuinely glad for any contact I get with him. He might not be a good father, but he's my Dad and I'll always love him.
If your daughter is anything like me then she'll appreciate your visit very much (even if she does not say or show it). Make the most of your visit, time spent with loved ones is precious, there isn't a much better way to spend out limited time on Earth. Good luck.
Thank you @bitbrain, a lovely comment for a distant dad to read.
I'm sorry the situation wasn't ideal for you, but respect you a lot for holding no grudge, and allowing the the contact you do have to be good when it takes place.
I'm looking very much to seeing her, and am hoping (and quietly confident) that I will get a hug and a kiss this weekend :)
Thank you!
Holding thumbs for you man, just be yourself.
I had a similar situation when I moved to Spain 4 years and 6 months ago, I lasted 3 months without my daughter, she was 18 months old. I then moved to Poland to raise her, I am also from the UK, though wild dogs and a million £ would not get me back to that country. My only surprise is your baby girl has not been over for a holiday? you get 24/7 quality time that way, least I do when family visit. Have a great time my friend, and take some warm clothes and 1 umbrella. :-)
9 years I lasted, until my mind went fried!
The UK does not interest me at all, but I still wouldn't rule it out.
I tried to get her over for some holidays, in the end the courts said no. Pretty frustrating to say the least, and I've written more about the situation here and here.
Definitely packing warmest stuff I have, the weather was great last week but looks rubbish (as expected) this weekend.
Thanks for commenting.
I will read those after dinner, and you will be fine when meeting her, you are a great bloke, and she is a chip off the old block, so will see it instantly.
I'm not easily moved emotionally, but somehow when reading about situaton when it comes down to kids always does something to me. I can not imagine your situation even when it would come down to not being able to see my nieces (8 and 10) for such a long time.
I hope being able to write about it here on Steemit can give some kind of relief. Enjoy the time with your daughter !
Thanks for reading through - kids do have that heart-string twanging ability for sure.
I think writing does help, the feedback comes from all angles and I think that is useful in itself.
Cheers!
It's not a situation that ever has any "easy" answers, Asher.
Both my Humans are children of broken marriages, although for quite different reasons. The only consistent takeaway seems to be that children are remarkably resilient.
One of my Humans lived with his mother in the south of Spain while his father was in Denmark; 3000km of separation. You learn to truly value your time together and focus on what IS, rather than what ISN'T.
Anyway, wishing you an excellent trip, filled with enjoyment for both of you!
=^..^=
I think children are more resilient than we think, and can remember as one.
Thanks very much for your kind comments 😊
Dear Asher, I read your story and the comments and also your two posts from years ago. In the second one I found a sentence I would like to quote, you wrote: "And in this time, and until today, I've paid all i am legally obliged to and much more, never said a negative word to my daughter regarding her mother, and stayed in a city for her that i'd fallen out of love with years prior".
As a teacher and Principal for 40 years in total, I met a lot of children whose parents were divorced. Of course, all children would rather have their parents together in love and harmony, but that is not the case for most children. If the parents are not divorced the atmosphere in the house is not always good and children are very sensitive to a bad atmosphere.
I quoted your sentence because if you did what you wrote you did the best you could ever do. Pay what you have to pay (even more) and don't ever talk bad about the other parent although the other parent does it all the time. This attitude definitely pays back later.
Let your daughter (she is 12 so not a small child) know whenever you can that you love here, will always love here and tell her that you hope that one day when she may choose for herself that she will come over to you where ever you may be at that time to see you in case you cannot or may not see her as much as you want.
It is even possible that she doesn't want to see you much in these years. She is 12 so she starts to puberty and that is a difficult period for children and parents. Be warned, at this age children can say horrible things to their parents, especially to an often absent parent. If she does that now or in the coming years, remember that it is mainly her age that makes her say that. It really gets better when she is older.
I hope you and your daughter will have a very good and loving time this weekend and I wish you good luck and all the best.
Hi @clio
Thank you for taking the time to read through the blogs linked in the comments.
I decided against adding them to the post but in hindsight maybe that would have been better.
What you quoted is still true and will remain so for the forseeable future. There may be a time when I am asked directly by my Daughter, but I will still try to give a fair assessment.
I know that she has been influenced by that side of the family against me, and of course her friends may not agree with dad leaving the country, but that doesn't make it right to do the same, and I will not 'tip the applecart' just to get back at her mother.
Family life for her is stable and she seems happy at school, and that's important and good to see.
I'm hoping she would like a trip over in the summer, but I'll go lightly with the subject and see.
Thank you very much for your input and warning against pubescent young adults - I remember not being the best company at times then!
Asher
I'm sure you take advantage of all the tech ways to keep in touch. From experience may I suggest to you that the best is yet to come. I have three adult daughters. They bring me so much joy and happiness. One is here on Steemit (@littlescribe). You'll most likely have an incredible future as your daughters dad. Thats just the way of things. Blessings. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for your comments @mistermercury, I hope you are right and suspect that you are, with regards to things getting better as time passes.
Happy to hear of your excellent relationship with your daughters, and that one is a Steemian also. Great!
I've been very fortunate. It's all about relationships in the end, isn't it? Blessings.
Tickling. Monkey pile on momma. Telling jokes and having daughter laugh at them even though she has heard them a dozen times already. She sits in the sink (where she just fits) and giggles while he shaves.
There is LOVE!
Later, when she is becoming a young woman, her father encourages her to reach for the stars while her mother frets of the dangers she faces and counsels her to stay home and take no risks. Dad chats with the young men she dates and lets them know they must not take advantage.
There is INSPIRATION. There is PROTECTION. @abh12345
Thanks for the kind words @wa2qr.
I get your post. it pulled my heartstrings.
Due to mental health issues and drug and alcohol problems, I haven't seen my daughter, or son, for over 4 years. They haven't even spoken to me. I suffered the scourge of abuse as a child. Me and their mother broke that chain and my children had a great upbringing.
However, the years of having to live with the consequences of my abuse finally took their toll when my children were adults. The results of the breakdown in such a big way led to them viewing me as an embarrasment.
Your post has given me renewed hope, so thanks. I am now sober and coping with my mental illness, perhaps it's time to reach out again???..
Thank you and good luck.
This sounds tough, but I'm really glad to hear of your improved personal situation - maybe it is now time to make contact again and show them you are doing better with yourself. I wish you the best of luck.
I think you are right. Thank you and have a nice day.
This is completely off topic. But I have been trying for over a week to vote for you as a witness and it will not work. I have tried every single password then I have and none of them work. I'm very aggravated and I am giving up for now.
EDIT:I got the silly thing to set you as a proxy.😁(I think I did anyway. Please let me know if you can.) So I guess that means you'll vote for me. I'm not really sure. I hope all is going well on your trip. I've been praying for you and you're family. As always I send you and yours my love.
Hi John
Thank you very much for trying to get this working, and for the prayers and wishes with regards to this this weekend.
I will check up on the vote later this week and can say that I have had a lovely time, thank you!
Aweee.. I can really feel your longing for your daughter with this post. Wishing y'all will see each other and have some catching up to do. :) :) God bless you :)
Thank you @creyestxsa94, I had an awesome weekend catching up and spending quality time with my daughter.
So many supportive comments here too, thank you!
Oh wooow! that is a very good thing to hear. :) How old is your daughter by the way? :) And, also, you're welcome. :) :) I bet you're really having a lot of fun there. :)
She is 12, a young adult now. More knowledgeable, but still so kind at heart - watching her look after the younger children was really great 😊
I see. :) They are almost the same age with my brother then. Hehe :) Yes, I can really feel a father's love with the words you say. It's just making me smile. :) :) Just say hi to her for me. Haha :D
Thank you 😊
My girls are young enough that I have the luxury of seeing them every day.....which seems like too much sometimes. ;)
Feeling the weight of heavy words like years and oceans and thousands is intense. I will be happy taking them to Girl Guides tonight for sure.
Good luck with the reunion and relish the re-connection.
Hehe 😊
Thanks for your comments, glad to hear about intense family life and that they are keeping you busy!
Wow! Life likes to throw some tough choices our way doesn't it? I can only imagine how hard it must have been not to be in your daughter's life for more than a few days a month. It makes you wonder if that situation in itself contributed to your mental health. A catch 22 situation. In reading the comments I see you daughter is now 12. An age where she might be able to articulate better her own thoughts on your future with each other.
Incidentally, my eldest (17) will be heading to England in June to visit family. That's the other side of the world for us now, so the distance is nerve wracking for me.
It was tough, I had many people voicing their opinions and on both sides of the argument.
I think she will have a better understanding of things now, and I'll be hoping to talk a little about this - but not too much as as others have said, this weekend is to enjoy the now.
17/18 is the 'breakaway' age for many as they head to college etc - this is when you have to loosen the rope a little I guess, and trust what you've taught them is enough to guide them well 😊
Will you only have the weekend with her? Definitely need to make the most of that!
Yes, my girl is certainly stating to break away. 5 months in England, then probably off to uni on her return. She's just finishing her access course at the moment. Should be a local one though, so she'll be around a bit longer yet.
Yeah just today and tomorrow, hoping i can persuade her over for a summer holiday.
The time has come for yours to spread her wings it seems, good luck to all.
Really love how open and heart filled you are here. It’s refreshing to read and I think with your heart out like this you can’t go wrong. All the best in your reunion 💙
Thank you @mountainjewel, I'm sure it'll be right this weekend 😊
Bless you brother. She needs you. Trust me. I was and kind of still am in a very similar situation. I've lived through a very similar ordeal twice in my life. Once by choice and once because it was forced. But, I see you have a lot of comments here, so I'll keep it short.
This is what I saw happen in my own experience. Little girls grow up and away from their dads, then grow back together with them...closer than ever before. It broke my heart both times to watch them grow apart from me and closer to mom and family. Now, my oldest is almost twenty and has lived on her own since 17. She is manager at a restaurant and a full time college student. She has a BUSY life, but every few days I get her phone call. Always with a question for me, or even sometimes she says she forgot why she called. But I know the truth (as she does too) she just wants to hear from me and hear me say I love her. My other daughters situation is similar. But as I said, I'll keep it short.
Dear friend never doubt the bond and love that is there. A daughters love is like a flower. It may seem like an eternity, and a never ending amount of work, but when it does finally bloom it is the most beautiful thing in the world. And remember to be strong for her. Have no fears brother, you have a father's love guiding you and you are a very wise man.
Just love her, friend, above all else. And you'll do great. I send you and yours all my love. And I am and will continue to ask our Creator to guide and strengthen you during your reuniting.
Thank you John
Yet another lovely message I've received on this post, based on experiences and things you have learned in life.
Thank you for sharing some of your past, so many of us have not had it perfect, and can use this to help support others.
I meet my Father at the age of 18, he invited me over his home, I stayed there for about a month and then left, I saw him another time while at his work and the last time was in my home town, he was visiting friends. His last words were no pleasant and I rather no write about it. I left the Country two years later and I never saw him again. Thirty eight years later, during Christmas time I was lonely and decided check FB to see if I could connect with any of his children, sure enough I was able message with 4 of them, they told me that Father had died and he was buried on a borrow tomb because he did no save enough for his own burial! I did send them the money and they are in the process transfer him to his own tomb. It is hard for me to write about this personal stuff, but perhaps this will encourage you, regarding your relationship with your daughter, there is a very especial connection between Fathers and Daughters regardless of the circumstances or distance.
That sounds like a tough story you have, thanks for sharing a part of it.
I feel the message is to make the most of the time you have, and I'll try my best to do that this weekend.
Thank you.
Yes, it is a sad story, I found out through an aunt about my step Father no being my Father, at the age of 12, it made sense to me about the way he treated me while growing up, sadness and anger about the whole matter still I love and admire my step Father, as if he were my own Dad, he had a lot good qualities, besides he adopted me since I was three months. Life is short and we must make the most of it.
Words that filtered through my bones, because the feelings of the absent father are rarely valued. Your daughter loves you even if you are far away. Soon by your side... Greetings!
Thank you for your kind words @teresah.
Thank you for sharing your touching story about longing and loss but most of all about love. The love between parents and children is the strongest. I wish you all the best for the weekend.
Thank you very much for your kind and supportive words, I'm nervous but very much looking forward to it.
A beautiful post. Thank you for keeping it real. Your girl will be stronger and more whole for having a happier, more fulfilled dad. You got this. Enjoy every moment.
Thank you very much for your words of support, I will certainly try to do that this weekend.
There are many struggles in life, my oldest son lives in New Orleans in college, he moved away a long time ago. We all need to try to make the best of things, especially for the benefit of the children. Peace
Yes there are. I guess part of the struggle is knowing what is best, and accepting it even if it's not best for you.
Thanks for your comments today.
Beautiful written!
I didn't know you would have such a special holiday. Enjoy it!
Thank you, I will try my best :)
Asher, I see I came back just in time to support your very important post. It seems as if these last few months has been a healing time for you. I know for both of you, the time apart will dissolve with the first big hug. 😍
Just in time :D
I'm hoping the hug will do the same, thank you!
Enjoy every minute! It's all forward from here!
You left for a reason and had to make a choice. I truly believe the choice you made at that moment was the best you can do for you. You daughter needs to live her life. It's normal and healthy. Children should go not stay, build their own lives and have their own life experiences (good or bad). It sounds to me you luve in a "world"/have ideas that is not realistic and sound as if you are in great mental need. You better work out that first before going back or starting something new.
Hi, thanks for your comments, I appreciate the honesty in your feedback.
Stay with her!
If you want to, you will be happy everywhere!
Thank you for your openness!!! 🙏
And thank you for your comments and taking the time to read my post :)
If a post is worth reading, I read it. :)
A Daugher needs a dad to be the standard against which she will judge all men
💙
💛
Wow what an intense friend, your words came to my soul, what pain you must feel your daughter so far away, nothing that you are told will alleviate what you feel, only your daughter can calm your soul.
Thank you for your reply and taking the time to read my post.
Sometimes the worst distance is the closest ... You are brave to leave, but braver to return.
thank you for your words of support @jdbs.