Have you ever looked back at past pictures of yourself and wondered.
This was the hairstyle I wanted as a senior in high school. Long, blonde hair — I was growing it out.
It was a part of myself that I lost; and for what reason? My parents decisions seemed to defy reasonableness. So much so that I feel like a helpless victim, paralysed by betrayal.
Was that love?
My father told me that “real love is based in fear” — and that’s where I knew he was so confused himself. He had never been touched by the peace of universal compassion, apparently. He did not know how to love because he was never loved — in a way that caused him to differentiate fear from love.
Should I hate him?
Or shall I integrate those dark lessons my father taught me?
When I looked at this old photo of myself; I see a new mother who had just saw a flick of herself for a moment.
That hairstyle I always wanted, came.
Just not as quickly as I expected.
My father focused his energy on things he could not control. Living inside my house hold it was difficult to breath correctly. My escape was school, and they knew that. Maybe that’s why they were so eager to take it away.
I became regardless of the environment.
I grew into the person I saw in my minds eye.
And I can do that process again?
This time — I am aiming for my highest potential; not just a long hair style.
The answer is yes but not that way exactly haha cuz I'm a guy duh. Ahaha but I've not totally studied my own life to get to the bottom of how I've changed now that I'm 36 years old, high school was a long time ago.
In general, I know people often change for better and for worse in a variety of ways. There was a variety of hairstyles I've had. But again, it's a lot different for women than it is for men. So. I'm not here to overly compare except that I find that a lot of fathers have struggled with how to really love their wives and children. I'm going to assume that not all fathers are purposely trying to mess things up. People do try to help the dads change and some do. But regardless, I know I've learned to forgive my alcoholic papa. But at the same time, forgiveness does not have to mean forgetting. And when I say forgetting, I'm not promoting excessive dwelling in the past kind of thing. But not to say that I don't study my past. I believe there is a difference between visiting my past with living there full-time.
I love this. And I think that’s where I am getting. I guess my blogs just represent the journey in some ways. My ultimate goal is to repair this bullet holes and wounds; I guess I am just doing it publicly. Idk because I think it’s cool to see the forgiveness come naturally and through the wrestling with the shadow and the dark.
I am sure you’ve been through some shit too and there are aspect that have transformed you into the guy you are today. I think I am just experiencing that process that you perhaps already wrestled with. I think I am just passing through my Saturn return 😉
Oh, I don't know much about this Saturn return you speak. The only thing that comes to my mind is a sci-fi show called The Expanse. I think I know what you're trying to say and I love that terminology, to pass through my Saturn return. Sounds like an adventure or an amazing comeback.
Exactly!
By the way, I love the long blond hair.
Thank you!