I am deleting this post content for privacy issue and I will just leave you with a couple of selfies.
A welcoming selfie.
Cheers.
Shameful content
6 years ago in #blog by sandrina.life (58)
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Run.
Fast.
As fast as you can.
You can. Run fast.
❤️❤️❤️
There is love for you but not in a deep pit of despair. Drugs will swallow you whole.
If you feel bad about leaving him now - imagine in 6 months. A year? 2 years?
Run.
Don’t even give an explanation.
I am trying, really trying. I feel weak and first I need to make him move out of my place.
I don't feel good today.
Mixed emotions. I understand.
A bad start already, tellling you one month later.
And about the meth "every once in a while"; maybe he IS telling the truth but have seen too much around me that most times it was just a little white lie.
Agree with @metzli, Run!
Take care!
It’s a tough one to get out of. May You find the strength you need.
I agree with @metzli. Get out of there, or get him out of there. Either way, RUN.
Putting up with shitty nonsense like that is never, ever worth it.
So, RUN. ESCAPE. Flee to SAFETY.
@metzli @smasssh @majes.tytyty Thank you so much for this. It feels good to hear that.
The fuckhead is making things easy just acting not guilty at all, so I am furious like a beast and I need to kick him out asap.
Threaten intense violence. That usually scares people enough to make them run away.
If not, threaten intense and life-endangering violence. And scream very loud!!!
Sandrina -
Don't put yourself through this for one moment longer. Do what you need to do to get this misery out of your life. Is he violent? If he uses meth, he's not likely to have good impulse control. (And if he says he's using once or twice a month, you can be sure it's more often than that.) Do what you need to do to kick him out safely. Call on friends or law enforcement if you need to.
Getting out of these situations sucks. But the sooner you're through with it the safer you are. And life is too short to spend it in misery.
Also - no unprotected sex. Insist that he wears a condom! And no anal or other activites that might cause skin tearing or bleeding. Sorry to be graphic but there's a reason HIV transmission is higher among gay men. It's either anal or drug use. How do you think this guy got it in the first place?
We on Steemit love and respect you. Do the same for yourself.
Winston - thank you for this.
I don't know what to trust about what he said. I find it quite selfish to be in a couple and disappear like that.
I also think that the fact that he told me he was HIV positive after 1 month of sex together was very selfish.
But I was and I am patient and understanding, because I have big emotions and feelings.
He told me that he contracted this disease from his girlfriend with whom he was together for 1 year, living in Indonesia.
In South East Asia HIV and other STD are highly common. And you can get it from your girlfriend that could get it from a guy who has slept with a random prostitute. In Thailand 1 every 3 sex workers has HIV and a lot of people go with prostitutes!
For me the main problem here is not that he has HIV. Now this disease is treated like diabetes and it is possible to keep the level of the virus so low that is not transmittable. Also life expectations are normal and they can even make kids. All normal.
Of course I am always using condoms and I have already checked myself, and I will check again in 2 months.
I was even open minded with drugs, even if I think meth is the worse crap you could take and I would never touch that stuff.
However, he doesn't seem violent at all, but he is highly moody/lunatic and when he becomes like that he targets a person (whoever comes to his mind) and blame that person of everything. Most of the time it is some friends, some time it is me. I am positive and can be complaining but I love myself and I don't want someone talking down on me. I can't take it.
Now I just feel too shit and abused/used by him using my flat, my comforts, my money and my psychological support and giving back to me just crumbs.
I love him but it is not enough.
Now he is still out somewhere high on his meth adventures, completely irresponsible, at 46 years old and I am angry at myself to allow this situation. I want to burn all his stuff away.
I can't even tell him to move out straight away, because he would feel threatened and I don't know what would be his reaction. I need to wait at least 2 days that he sober up from the stone and then tell him I need some space for myself and give him few days to find a place (and money) to stay and he will try to convince me of the opposite and I have to be a cold calculating bitch.
Once he is out and I have the keys back, I can disappear from his life and it will be hard, because I fucking love this person and I spent a lot of my time with him in the last 3 months.
Lord knows I'll never understand why women love what they love. (And I'll definitely never understand Italians!) It doesn't sound like he's giving you a lot to hang your affections on, but I wish you all the best in any case.
Thanks really. I just wrote this because it is too much to handle for me at the moment and I am so close to him that I lost my lucidity to understand what is right and what is wrong. I wanted to hear what external people would say and you are all telling me to drop him like a boiled potato.
I feel I must throw my hat in with those telling you to run. fast. Not even because of the disease, no, but the meth- that's a bad one. One of my closest childhood friends married a man, had children with him, and he was a funny, charming, great guy-- who was a recovered meth addict she found out later. He was clean several years, but he relapsed again and again, and in the end he chose the drug over his family. He hasn't seen his children in years. Thankfully she is now married to a wonderful guy who is adopting them, but the heartache she went through was profound and terrible.
And if you are already feeling this way only a month in...
However, having said that, I know that sometimes the heart and the head do not work together very well. No judgment from me whatever you decide my darling. (Do you have a discord account? Feel free to chat me whenever you want)
After 2 months and half.
I feel very heavy. He came home at 3am sobered up by the drugs and tried to cuddle me and woke me up but I forced myself to pretend to sleep.
I'm sitting at the office and I just wanna cry.
I'm trying to listen some healing music.
For me the problem is not that he has HIV (diabetes is worse nowadays), I could handle it. The meth is the issue. He keeps repeating that he wants to stop and that he is better than that. He keeps telling me that he has everything under control and that he knows that the drug keep him away from me and his work, but then he does the opposite.
You know what is hard for me? That when I see him I feel love.
Oh, I don't have a discord account, rarely I use steem chat.
I'm so sorry you're hurting :( Love can be as terrible as it is beautiful. I wish I could tell you the exact thing you need to hear in order to do what's right for you. But all that comes to mind are platitudes- 'You're too good for this' 'You're strong and beautiful and you deserve better' etc. I know, not very helpful. One thing I tell myself when life is shitty is "This too shall pass". It always does, it's the balance of this earth that there will be dark times and light times. Hopefully we appreciate the good more for having gone through the fucking awful.
I believe you already have my opinions on this. stay strong Sandrina. You are stronger than most of us.
We know it.
This is a very brave post.
But here is my two cents worth - get out of that he is already bringing you down.
Disinformation and stigma make hiv people suffer more than they have to. I don't agree with people to tell you to run away despite what your heart tells you. I am not saying that you shouldn't go separate ways. Just don't give in to scaremongering and to the uninformed opinions of strangers who aren't even aware of what you two guys share. About the drugs, it's a toxic environment, but not at all something that can't be fixed. Drugs are tools and as such they can be used for good and bad. People are people: they can make good choices or bad ones. Having a bad environment around them makes it easier for them to go on a downward spiral.
Again, i am not saying this to make you feel guilty. It's just an objective view from yet another stranger on the internet who doesn't know nearly enough to properly advice you.
A video that might interest you
and my support, as a friendly italian stranger
— Destrudo
Ciao Destrudo! Grazie per il tuo commento. Nonmi faccio influenzare da nessuno, ma mi sto proteggendo e sto ritornando lucida. Avevo bisogno di sfogarmi e mi ha fatto piacere ricevere cosi'tanti messaggi.
Non so piu' che pesci prendere e ...I'm taking my time.
Grazie, stranger. =)
Sigh....and when is time to love yourself? :) I know it sounds like cheesy bullshit....but thats how we are. This are our patterns.
You can go two ways. Accept him as he is. You knew from the start more or less. Or....dont and move on.
In time you realise that every person comes to you with baggage. Some ppl have it more, some less. Cancer etc is one thing...transmited disease is smth that will constantly worry you. Smth over your shoulder 24/7. Again...do you not love yourself?
When u start ... ull break the pattern and maybe next time pick differently.
I know. It is time to love myself, I am just so angry that I feel in love with the wrong person.
I have tried to accept him with his desease, but I don't think I can accept him taking meth, even just once a month. Now it is hard for me to force myself to push him out of my place and break all the bridges.
Um...so dude, I don't even know you but you part of the Steemit family so I respect you and your process. When one of us is in pain or turmoil, we are all affected. I am so sorry this circumstance is your current reality and thank you for sharing your vulnerability. You are very courageous!
Let me just say right away that I'm in no position to be doling out advice on life. We all create our own experience in some way or another (choices and decisions), based on previous patterns collected along the way. Some interesting research I've read also indicates that some of it is actually inherited through our DNA!
You are a beautiful and creative person that deserves all the potential and opportunity life has to offer!
You are not alone here and others have gone through your current situation. Based on how you describe things, I see patterns of co-dependence. It's neither right nor wrong, it just is. You'll get through this and, as others have mentioned, you already have everything you need in terms of strength and resolve. A strong support system will help alleviate some of the immediate turmoil, but we all have to individually go through the process.
You already know what's best for you and your situation and am confident you'll emerge stronger and wiser from this life lesson. Stay safe and do what you have to do. Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it!
WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU!!
HUGZ!
Thank you so much for your valuable comment! I am receiving a lot of support from the steemit family. That's brilliant. I feel strengthened by it.
WHat do you mean exactly by I see patterns of co-dependence?
I know the best for me and he is making things easier acting like an asshole!!
(I'm so tired to get life lessons and become wiser and stronger).
Thank you so much.
I'm in agreement with many of the other posters.
GET. OUT. OF. THERE.
And Fast!
A drug user will drag you down. You will crash and burn alongside of him.
Playing with HIV is playing with fire. You'll catch it eventually. You don't have to be in that situation of worrying yourself all the time, is this it, have I caught it. From this moment on DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM.
In faact, don't stay with this person at all. Not because of some misguided loyalty, or sympathy, or of some delusion that your "love" will change him. It won't.
Save yourself. Run.
Joe
@joe.nobel
People who are HIV positive can have a normal life, but they are often discriminated and stigmatized! Hopefully things are changing.
It is a diseases with very little symptoms and a very easy treatment to keep under control.
He didn't show to be a meth addict neither, but for me even taking it once a month is too much and I need to accept and process that I have to distant myself.
Thanks for leaving your comment.
You have a big heart Sandrina. One day you will find a man who wants to share his whole life with you, and raise you up not drag you down. Let this be a lesson for the future. Others have said it better before me so I have up voted them.
Rather then offer more advice I leave you this.
Thanks! Really! I am receiving a lot of support from the steemit family <3
I am feeling incredibly ashamed by this entire situation.
Now time to get rid of the dirt in my life.
Honestly STD aside I personally think long term this relationship wont work. If he does have some sort of addiction or not it'll continue and he will constantly ask you for money or other things.
I understand you truly like this guy and you connected with him and we as humans need that caring and love in our lives but maybe this isn't the person for you.
I'm sure you can learn something from this expirience but I don't think you should stay connected with this guy. It just doesn't sound healthy long term. I know you can find someone else later on.
Hell you're only 33! This isn't 1980 where lots of people were married in their early 20s. Times are changing girl go enjoy yourself have fun and if you find someone who makes you happy then great. Otherwise just enjoy the hell out of life and something will come. Stay positive and look at the bright side you're living in a cool part of the world traveling, your STD clean, and you're on Steemit!!
ENJOY LIFE!!
1980? Everyone married by 20? What world are you living in?
Sorry I was off by a few years. Average male was 24 and female wad 23. Anyways it has changed drastically since then.
Yeah, nobody bothers getting married now except gay people.
Heh heh!
He doesn’t sound like the right person for you. And meth can be a very nasty drug.
You’re better off without this chap I suspect. You deserve a lot better.
Meth is the worse and I will never know the truth. I will never know how much he really takes and how addicted he is. It is just heartbreaking for me, because I have feelings.
Yes it's a hard situation, especially when you care for the person. It sounds like he's more interested in looking after his habit though, especially if he vanishes for days at a time.
We've never really spoken on here before but I read your posts. And you sound like a lovely and happy person. You deserve someone who makes you happy rather than causes you anxiety.
Thank you @mazzle It is tough but it is also helpful for me to hear so many people repeating the same: get rid of him. I am a very smiley person and he took my smile away.
Thank you thank you, really!
I’m sure you’ll make the right choice for your happiness. :)
It will be nice to see your smile in my feed again.
Fucked up situation, sister! But I wouldn't get committed to somebody that unstable and erratic! It's simple as that really!
I'm naturally attracted by unstable erratic individual. That's fucked up.
Get Out NOW!!!!!
I'm trying. I need time to digest this entire thing.
Best of luck. From what you wrote, my take is, he means a lot more to you than you do to him. I hope it all turns out well for you. Meantime, stay safe. Be aware that meth can do strange things to people. Violence is one of those.
I believe I mean a lot to him too, but still not enough to stop completely from taking meth and I don't fucking trust him anymore.
Without trust there can be no happiness in a relationship. Honesty and trust are the cornerstones of a loving relationship.
I revert to my previous statement, get out while you can without too much damage. You bear no guilt. You did not give him HIV, you are not abandoning him. He came to you ill, he leaves you in the same way.
And stay off the meth.
Forgetting the drugs for a minute, and only speaking from my own perspective..
Lies are the death knell to anything coming good from a relationship - and that counts as a humongous lie.
Bigger than humongous.
I have never stayed with anyone who lies to me. If you can't have trust you can't have much, hun. (in my opinion)
As for the drugs, I have been around - a lot - and with lying and the type of narcotic = get the hell away.
(I'm not moralizing on drugs - I've partied for years around the world).
Just my 2 cents worth, for what its worth.
For me, it's the lies. Always.
I have been too forgiving and understanding and not lucid enough, because I do really like this person too much. I have feelings. But what is happening right now it's not ok. I need to respect myself.
...Yes, respect yourself before anything.
Respecting some one who does not respect you , is a losing game. Always.
(truth is respect. period.)
The answers are easy - asking the right questions is the tough shit you have to do for yourself.
(Are you still in Cambodia? - or Myanmar?)
xx
I'm still in Cambodia, I have been living here since 2012 on and off.
You somewhere in Thailand isn't it?
ok.
I'm north , near udon.
How are you doing? - where's your head right now...
Stay centered, hun.
dealing with shit, is shit.
It's heavy, very heavy. He came back home now and my heart is not strong enough to tell him to fuck off. But this post and the comments are actually helping me a lot.
It wont help your problems, but it might make you smile...!
https://steemit.com/blog/@lucyreloaded/lucy-help-s-the-world-one-letter-at-a-time-1
Only you can make any decision.
(do you already know your decision?)
Make it and be happy, whatever it is.
You are 33(?), not 13 .
I'm always here to tell some harsh truths, and make myself unpopular!😂
Good luck, hun.Stay strong.
Only take what you can survive the regret of. If you're heart dies with him, take it back and let it live in yourself, until you can find a safe place for it. The cage in your chest is sometime all you got to house you.
Oh man... First of all, I just want to reassure you how brave you are. It's tough to let yourself be vulnerable, even if it's online. So, I guess all the comments you left on my Cordial posts were really mined from experience. I didn't realize how deep-seated they were. You're such an awesome person and you deserve to be with someone better. Someone who will make you feel loved every waking moment. You're already so brave in dealing with the HIV, but the meth has got to be the last straw. He doesn't know how lucky he has it. You do, so let him go before things become too permanent.
Never mind your age. Just go at your own pace, bud. You don't have to conform to whatever norm society sets. You do you. Live your truth.
I'm not brave at all. I will erase the content of this post before the 7th day. I am ashamed of this entire situation and I am a bit stuck in it because I have feelings. But I am slowly fixing it. I'm doing myself and loving myself - not enough yet.
Thanks to be here.
You'll get there, my friend. No need to rush anything.
I'm late here. Are you feeling more like you can make your decision now that some time has passed?? Are you safe?
From my own previous encounters with users, I know meth is very powerful. And so is your smile, that's your strength. Hold on to it, even if you don't wear it. ☺
I'm safe, I just can't solve this situation in 1 hour or 5 minutes.
And I can't throw a person in the rubbish bin because he has used meth and has been selfish. But I can love myself more and I'm doing it and figuring out how to distance myself and in 1 day or 2 hopefully this person is out of my place.
That's respectable. Keeping yourself out of the rubbish bin is important too ☺
Supper fantastic job
FUCK OFF.
hahahaha!