A couple of years ago I volunteered at my boys high school for a few hours each week. I worked in the office checking people in and out, taking phone calls, and general mundane stuff like that. I am not one of those ever involved, eager PTA moms. 😬I really did not want to work at the school… I only did it because my sons were having some struggles and I thought it could potentially help them if I built relationships in the school office, knew who to ask for help, created some goodwill towards my kids. 😂 So I was there for purely selfish reasons, but I am very grateful I did it because of the relationships I made there. The school's office manager will remain one of my close friends for years to come.
Anyways, from this work I also had a chance to get to know a few of the students better. Some of the students who knew my boys liked to come hang out with me and chitchat. I am a pretty open minded person and sometimes my kids' friends find that they can vent their problems better with me than with their own parents who may be more quick to judge and shut them down.
One day while I was working in the office my boy's sweet friend came to chat with me. I will call her Anna for reference, but that's not her real name. Anna shared with me that she had been on a couple of dates recently and she was very excited about the potential of these relationships. One of these dates was with a girl and one was with a boy, because she was bisexual. She said it very casually. An unimportant detail, like including what kind of sneakers she wore on each date. Just a little detail that was part of the story, and not THE story. At the end of her story she added that she had to keep all of this secret from her parents because they didn't want her dating at all, and they would certainly kick her out of the house if they knew she was bisexual. She was 16. I smiled and nodded and listened. We hugged and then she trotted off when the bell rang.
So this was the ah ha moment. I stood there listening to another human share their truth with me and yet I felt unable to share my same truth back that might possibly have comforted her to know that she's not alone. That I too was bisexual, that she was not a total weirdo, that she was not alone, that I really did understand her excitement over the potential of each relationship, and that I was a safe space who would not judge her sexuality. I suppose somehow she knew that already by the fact that she shared all this with me, but still I felt very choked by not being able to reciprocate honesty back to her.
Why could I not reciprocate? Because I had not even revealed my truth to my own children. Up until then I didn't think it mattered or that it was appropriate to share my sexual orientation with my kids. But when I realized it was holding me back from relating to others, I knew what I had to do. I couldn't be my full self with their friends who might need it, if I hadn't first told my own kids. They didn't need to first hear that their mom is bisexual from their friend in English class. Lol
If you're not being your full self within your own home with those you love the most, it doesn't lead to a very open or honest life outside of your home. You end up hiding parts of yourself to this person, and hiding different parts of yourself that person based on who you deem can handle what. This is a no-win game.
Plus, I had always advocated to my kids that all sexual orientation's are okay! You are what you are. And yet I had hidden my own from them...? How did that make any sense? I was not walking my talk and that is really intolerable to the deepest parts of who I am.
So I told them one by one. None were aghast or seemed shocked. My daughter seemed a little uncomfortable, like she was eager to have the conversation end 😂. But afterwards she started telling me about different classmates who, in seventh grade, we're already coming out and identifying as gay or bisexual. She still shares this kind of stuff with me 2 years later.
My boys were a different story… They acted like, "hello. Okay. I get it. No big deal. You can stop blabbering now mom 🙄…." 🤣 I think I was rambling on a bit when I outed myself to them from my own nervousness over the conversation. I was not expecting them to shun me as I've given them nothing but total acceptance their whole life, so why would they give me anything less in return?
So anyway that's the story of why I had to out myself to my kids 2 years ago. Nothing has really changed in their life...It's not like I'm actively dating and parading different men and women through the house. I just needed to be honest with them first so I could live more honestly with the rest of the world.
I followed up with their friend Anna a few weeks after the talk with my kids. I wanted her to know my truth and why I couldn't share it earlier. I wanted her to know that she's not alone and that there are healthy well-adjusted adults who are just like her, and who won't judge her sexuality as bad or wrong. I also wanted her to know the power that her honesty had on me. 🙏🏽 Honesty begets honesty begets more honesty... It is a beautiful ripple effect if we allow it.
photos are mine and were taken by the great @sean-king 😘 in Rincon, Puerto Rico. Summer 2014.
That's pretty cool that you don't have to worry about your family judging you.
I have so many People in my life who are so judgmental about so many things that I feel like I have multiple personalities and have to pretend I'm someone im not when I'm around different groups of people. My dad, my sister, my mom, my coworkers and countless others are all people I have to hide a lot of things from for fear of being judged and outcast.
I'm not bi or anything but I can definitely identify with worrying about being judged by others for a number of things. One of my main goals in life is to be self employed and live in a different part of the country or another country altogether. Where I live and work it seems like if you're not a by-the-book Christian, a raging football fan, etc you're basically an outcast...nothing against christians or anything but I would not fit in at my work place well at all if I wasn't so good at pretending to be someone I'm not.
It's not something I'm particularly proud of (being a chameleon when it comes to personality and behavior). That's one of the things I hate the most about myself is that I give a shit about what other people think.
I used to behave differently with various souls. So much so that i literally didn't have much of a sense of self. It's no fun and is a distraction to whatever is your real life purpose or Dharma. You know...?
I get it though when we work corporate and have bills to pay sometimes we Get wrapped up in that game.
It's not so much that I don't have to worry about my family judging me. (although my kids are especially unjudgie, but not necessarily the rest of my extended family.) It's more that the pain of being unreal became greater than that of being real.
Thanks for sharing your struggles and relating here. I wish you all the best in your dream of financial and interpersonal independence. 😙
I def get the pain of being unreal. Something I've been thinking a lot about lately is how it's kind of dangerous for someone to get close to me. I'm so UNjudgemental that a close relationship w me (be it a friendship or a romantic one like I have w my husband) can really lead someone to find their authentic self. I've even noticed this relationship with myself. I totally accept me for me.... but the rest of the world isn't quite ready for it. I def work in corporate America. It's frustrating for sure. John and I share a lot of the same problems with having to shield our extended family from out 100% selves. I love this post by the way!! I think I'll share with aiden all at once when we have the talk he's so curious about. Just no big deal. He can like boys, girls, both, or neither.. his mom will never love him any more or less no matter what ;)
Beautiful post, you've really got me feeing contemplative this morning about this subject. I'm also bisexual and can relate to grappling with the difficulty of deciding when to reveal my sexuality, and it can sometimes seem like an innocent omission when it's not a part of day-to-day life. I think your standard of realizing it's time to say something when not doing so holds you back from authentically relating to others is a great benchmark. Thank you for sharing your story!
Thanks and I'm glad if this hit a nerve for you too. It is hard to decide "when to reveal." Isn't it? 🤔 When we as youngsters unconsciously chose to begin hiding it hard to know how/when to stop and "come out."
Thanks for that comment. Now you have me thinking about this shift. May turn into a new post for me.
This one of the sweetest things I have ever read. The title got me. Was it click-bait I wondered? But no, the whole context was one simple story about honesty and caring for each other.
It also forced me to look into the mirror and wonder why I am so terribly private about my sexuality. I guess it never was part of our conversations. In my family the mantra is very simple: Work, eat, sleep. That's how we get by just fine. Sexuality? That's a private thing. We're not uptight, but we're not great talkers in general. I am a talker, an emotional guy even, but at a certain time I gave up on my family. I expected too much from them. When it comes to feelings, things get difficult.
Your out of the box thinking enabled you to feel a stronger connection between you and your children as well as other peoples children, and specifically the young lady in your story. That's love. She will never forget your reassuring words. That's true motherhood if you ask me <3
Oh gosh, Your comment made my day. Thank you so much for your response and your support of my honesty. I do feel like a mother to her in a way, because her own mother just won’t accept her in wholeness.
It’s hard when your family values different behavior than the way you want to live. I think we all, at a gut level, want the approval and praise from our parents. But sometimes we just aren’t going to get that . Then u have to decide if you’re going to modify who you are to fit expectations, or just do you and let the consequences of that play out in the relationship. Not easy, but I wish you luck and happiness.
Aw, thank you <3. I feel the same. Obivously parents look at society and try to to make their children compliant. For the sake of fitting in. But I am just not into the 'act'. For me it's not about sexuality gender-wise. I just don't believe in reproduction and the 'act of reproduction' in this day and era. Cuddling is awesome and there is so much non-productive sex.
Also, I am just too aware of the big problems in this world: Increase in population straining the eco system, causing famine and other misery, while our linear economy is a BEAST.
Somehow I feel this is why there is so much confusion about sex, we're still connected to the earth, even those that stopped caring. I wish you to lots of love, luck and bliss <3
Thank you for talking about this because the more we take the leap of faith in talking about sex openly, the more we can continue enjoying it and let go of feeling ashamed of our natural desires and abilities to enjoy them! I often notice men I think are attractive also and I am happy I feel safe to share that because I think most of us truly are bisexual with a preference in one direction or another. If there were no women around for a long time and only men, I am sure I would adapt!
Thank you Jerry. 🙏🏽 I really like how you say that...the assumption is that people are, or are supposed to be, binary in that we are born one gender and should like the opposite. But your explanation is likely much more accurate! We are all bisexual, or our sexuality falls somewhere within a spectrum. It's often not just this or that/ black or white.
Tip!
Thank you 😊
A great little piece, thank you for sharing with us.
Not that we matter anywhere near as much as your family, but i suspect the writing of this post begets a little more honesty and should fill you with a nice warm feeling today too!
Asher @abh12345
It did take me to a happy place. Thanks for your comment and support. 🤗
This post has received a 26.67 % upvote from @lovejuice thanks to: @abh12345. They have officially sprayed their dank amps all over your post rewards. GOOD TIMES! Vote for Aggroed!
Wow cool!
Although I have to admit, that I'm probably a little bit like your sons about this, I like the openness and honesty in the story. Also that you trusted your own family to understand and didn't "secretly" talk to strangers, like people often do.
When I lived in Chicago, my circle of friends were mostly other artists or people from the cosmetics industry... being often the only straight couple at a party, we were the ones feeling "different"... 👽
I'm very much opposed to secrecy, but I know that is the norm. It shocks me how much more often people tolerate secrets and lies than openness and honesty.
Isn't that funny we Your normal feels like the outlier?🤣 But Normal is simply defined as "typical, Standard, usual, or expected."
And truly on a philosophical level there is no such thing as normal as everything is a possibility within potentiality. But often people do get wrapped up in equating normal is the same as good or right, and therefore anything else is bad or wrong. Those are just mind games to help us feel safe in the masses.
Yes, its strange how some people can't deal with an honest statement. I think, its often the fear of being rejected. But in my opinion the secrets and lies often only make things worse.
Throughout my life I have often been in the position outside the norm. Being an artist alone makes you a weirdo in many peoples eyes. But being that or simply special is only a matter of attitude in the end 😁
Like what you say about the mind games. Particularly the question of right and wrong probably dates back as far as mankind can consciously think about such things. Somehow the word normal always makes me feel uncomfortable. Each "group" defines their own normal, but what if you agree with some things in a particular group but also have a different opinion on other aspects?
You have there such a beautiful family. And You are such a beautiful human being ! Amazing story :D Love it so so much... Thank You for sharing it with us.
Thanks so much Sergio. 🙏🏽 I'm Glad our paths crossed here. i had been planning to write this post for a while, and finding you, your intentions, your push for the #lgbtsteemit community was the final push I needed.
AWWWWW I am so glad to read this... Well I feel that even if it doesn't reach anyone else! I have already accomplished something :D That makes me so happy.
Your family seems so sweet, open and loving. A rarity in this world. ❤️
We have our issues like any family. One day I will get around to writing about our experiences with mental illness that we have dealt with in the last decade. But we do love the hell out of each other and we are very close. Thank you for seeing that and for commenting. 💗
I actually like bisexual women. And i am neutral with bisexual men :) I believe there is nothing to hide in our times anymore unless you are living in some stone age country. Why should anyone even care what your sexual life is?
Hi @steemed-open! @jerrybanfield is sending you 10.0 SBD tip and @tipU upvote
:)
@tipU - send tips by writing tip! in the comment, get share of the profit :)This was fantastic. I paused half way through, made myself a big mug of tea... and continued reading. I loved all the 'feeling' the whole way through, I am sure you have this beautiful air that others can just see ... this is why that girl felt comfortable talking to you.
i admire you, i love to read how much you appreciate the things that matter... family.. friends.. views of the world...i guess thats what happens when you see the 'human' in others.
the photos really suit. i could see the beauty of a family unit that is secure, with no secrets.
glad to know you here. inspiring 😘
Forgive me for not responding to your comment. You are so kind. I know we would be fast friends in person.
You are too sweet xxx and I really think we would too =] ,... it's no problem at all lovely, I am forever and a day trying to catch up with comments 💋
Personally i did not enjoy much public school much i allowed it to brainwash me quite alot towards then end i grew quite angry towards the fact my mom especially still wanted me 2 go. ALmost 2 the point i wanted 2 beat her ass. Most of that was because pepole there where very negaitve after i got past the 9th grade in high school.
Im actually have a slight phobia 2 even attend a college know because alot of humans love 2 think inside a box spectrum and when you tell them otherwise they typically get lower vibrational on your ass.
Fine with me damm dont make the shift into higher coincouness then with me spend another 25,000 years in 3d. i guess oh well PARTY TIME!