I'm doing something different today. I haven't written in a very long time. And the reason for that is, well, quite simply, I've been pretty fucking depressed. Haha, I hate just blurting this out, but that's just how I've been. When I get like this, I tend to move away from everything that interests me. I stop hanging out with my friends, I stop enjoying anything I normally enjoy, I want to stay home, draw the blinds and cross my fingers really hard, hoping everyone I know will forget my phone number. Unfortunately they never do.
And you'd think after all these years of dealing with the ups and downs of being me, I'd know when I am depressed and I need to change shit or talk to someone. But nope. At 33 years of age, I still don't really know how to handle this clusterfuck. And it really is a clusterfuck because I can feel a cluster in my chest and I fucking hate it. The worst about it is I don't know why it's here, how it got here and why it won't go away.
It could be a multitude of things:
- I don't exercise
- I haven't managed to fulfill my quitting of the smoking
- I am completely unmotivated to do anything
- I'm a pretty shitty friend
- I'm getting older
- I am not married, I don't have children, and I don't think it's happening anytime soon
- I have terrible dental health... or am overall unhealthy
- I feel trapped at my job (like every one else, I know, big whoop)
- I am still renting because I still haven't grown up enough to save money for a home (aside from throwing it into crypto)
- I still haven't finished the project I have been working on for nearly two years, I can't stop procrastinating
- I increasingly feel shittier at coding because I am getting older?
- I am shit at keeping in touch with my family
- I still haven't found a therapist I can stomach
- I feel pretty fucking weak because I haven't had a week at work without crying this year
- I'm not getting better at being a SCRUM master
Feeling all those things turn me into a this OCD monster that literally tears her hair out so I've lost most of my hair over the last few months, after 2 years of working so hard to make it healthy again after my last period like this. I haven't been taking care of myself because I basically feel like shit, so I might as well look like it too. My boyfriend tried to get me to get nails done and I haven't even done that. Not sure why. Just haven't. Maybe it's easier to be sad than happy.
So here we go again, let's try therapy again. I always feel like it's a waste of money. But I want to give it a try again, and not think about how much it's costing me. Because that ends up being something I have to stress about. But mental health is priceless, right?
I'd say that if you try Therapy again and it doesn't work to maybe look at a completely different outlet.
One of the things people with depression do is that you strengthen the negative thoughts and repetition in your brain over and over again. You need to do something to break that cycle. I myself suffer from depression and am a few years older than you and know how incredibly difficult it is to do.
I always try to tell people don't think about huge goals,but start with tiny changes in life. Maybe just cleaning up your room, get rid of some clothing or items you no longer need, get rid of one piece of junk food your consuming and so on..so this way you improve your life bit by bit everyday and hopefully over time you will see the positive changes.
Or at least if your going to go back into therapy please try to look at it as a positive change in your life instead of the bad intentions your already going in there with. Your sort of setting yourself up for failure in a way looking at it like that.
That's some great advice right there. I usually go in with a bag of shit and ask my therapist to sort through it, so I'm definitely going in today with the idea that I want to try and come up with solutions and not just lay out problems I have no solutions to. One at a time, right?
Thanks so much for reading, it actually helps to know people don't NOT care. ;)
No problem! :)
I'm not sure what therapy your doing but if you havent tried it out yet maybe ask your therapist about CBT therapy, maybe something like that may help you.
Or have you ever looked into meditation? It can take some time to get into but for some people it's an incredible benefit to their lives. For a while it helped me greatly with anxiety and how to get over problems. Kinda felt like you were taking a bath for your brain if that makes any sense.
I don't think alot of people realize how tiring depression is just by itself, nevermind all the "solutions" you may have to go through in order to find one that helps or works.
Used to read those crypto adventures from you, I'm sad to see you are in a bad place right now.
Not sure I can help, though I've been in almost as bad situation few years back. What helped me was creating healthy habits, plant based diet and fresh juices, good sleep, meditation, affirmations, planning and reflecting on goals regularly. Well known stuff, but it worked for me. I've usually done this as part of a "morning ritual".
Anyway, hope you'll feel better soon. Start small and you'll get there. :)
Thanks so much for reading, @alcibiades. I think the key is check myself - reflect on my goals regularly, like you said, and re-evaluate myself every so often, see if I'm making progress. We usually are and don't notice small improvements or don't make it important enough to feel like things are getting better, so maybe celebrating a small victory like the fact that I got up early today is part of the work. ;)
And don't worry, I have plenty to talk about when it comes to crypto. Now to get that motivation going again... :)
gooood iam follow you now you follow me and upvote for lastest article