It's Not About You. It's About My Sanity.

in #dropintheocean4 years ago (edited)

How fitting is it that I return from a two month long social disconnection to get back to the swing of things with the DITO word of the week being disconnect.

We are going to ramble and see where that takes us. Let's get started...

I have always been very aware of my mental state and I know when it's time to either step away from something for a while or walk away for good from something that may be damaging. For anyone that truly knows me and decides to stick around, they are fully aware that there will be times when communication stops and if I do answer a call or text, my answers will be brief and there will be no effort from me to continue the conversation. Some people can handle that, most people can't.

I used to concern myself with that fact that most people couldn't handle me being that way. I learned that not only was that not good for me, it wasn't good for those around me either. I think part of my problem is that I can empathize with so many people. I've been through an awful lot and I understand feelings of terror, loss and loneliness. I thought it once as a distraction from my own demons but the distraction turned to neglect. When you wrap yourself up in other people, you become a shell of yourself and when those people leave, they leave you feeling empty.

It took me a long time to convince myself that it was okay to disconnect from the things and the people around me that I often find draining. I felt bad having to tell people no when declining and invitation and felt that lying was better because no one takes the time to just try to understand. They start having feelings like your decision has something to do with them and then you have to explain that it has nothing to do with them... and that is completely draining.

We used to go to fire department functions and parties, and I would dread each and every one. My only solace was knowing the alcohol was free and I could just drink till my nose and toes were numb and then I just wouldn't care. I don't know if I've told you this yet but I sound like I'm on helium when I'm drunk. Anyway, I've also disconnected from those shindigs and have my own private party at home. My husband tells me that the other women there think I'm a bitch because I don't socialize with them. Nope, that doesn't bother me at all. If they think I'm a bitch that just means that they will leave me alone.

This behaviour has been with me since I was a teenager in high school. My lunches were spent in the library, I always sat in the back of the class and practiced being invisible. I was never a social butterfly. Sure, I had a few friends here and there and in times of being forced to be social I adapted and did what I had to do, but most of the time my head was in the books and the rest of the world zoomed around me.

Being this way is really just a tool of survival for me and even more necessary now that I'm older. The mind is a fragile thing and my memory is already shit. Plus it's a major job just staying on top of the asshole mousey that resides in my brain. We don't have time to be slacking these days and all that little fucker wants to do is sit on his couch, scratch his balls, drink his booze and watch re-runs of 'Alf'. As you can see, I have my work cut out for me.

I have been very lucky to find people that love me regardless of this flaw and they know that I love them deeply and no matter how long it may have been since the last time we talked, my loved ones are never far away from my thoughts and always in my heart. You see, even cold dark hearts have the capacity to love we are just also in love with our solitude and require disconnection for our sanity.

This has been my Drop In The Ocean post about the word of the week:
Feel free to join us every Monday in the BuddyUp Discord server at 2PM CST where we present our posts and have a usually very colorful conversation about the topic.

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I like how you tell it like it is. Nothing wrong with being solitary, Monchie. Not everyone wants to be a social butterfly. I think our personalities are formed early. Just keep being you, dear friend.

Thank you Red. I always appreciate your kind words. And I appreiciate that you accept me for who I am. It's nice to not have to hide that part of myself anymore. The older I get the more I just don't care, ya know? You like me or you don't and I'm fine with that... makes for a quality over quantity situation.

Love ya Red. I hope all is well. It's going to be freezing here tomorrow so I will be staying in, cooking some gumbo and watching my Saints win the game that will make them division champs and take them to the Superbowl! 🖤🖤🖤

This brings up so many teenage memories. I'm exactly the same and lost a few friends because only one or two people could understand that I seriously needed to be completely and utterly alone for at least an entire week every so often.

Nowadays I only have my partner, child, and random acquaintances who aren't bothered by my occasional hermit tendencies. :D

"Don't you get lonely?" -- "Nope! This is exactly how I want to be."

"Don't you get lonely?" -- "Nope! This is exactly how I want to be."

And why is this so hard for others to understand. Lol

It's so nice to find others that are like this. I'm starting to think that Steemit brings together a lot of like minded people. And you know you've found a true friend when you can be this way and when you have recharged you can pick up the phone and just pick up where you left off without skipping a beat.

Thank you for being you.

Thank you for allowing me to be me Jan.

The status quo cannot keep up with you. You are just way ahead.

Haha Thank you my friend. I'm not so sure of that but I love when you stop by and make my head swell. Lol 🖤

Amen darlin ;)

we are still twins hehehehe you know i'm the same way (and even though people THINK i enjoy being a social butterfly... you know better!) hehehehe

It's just one of those things. and you need to protect your mind, and heart and that's just the way the cookie crumbles. and if people don't understand that - and try to force you to their standards... then it's more about them anyway, not you. and who needs friends like that? LOL

i might be able to sneak into DITO tomorrow but i have work - so we'll see. i'm so disconnected i can't even write about disconnect LOLOL

love you monchie!

There's no way I could do what you do babe. You know me, even when I am being social, half the time I don't know what to say.

if people don't understand that - and try to force you to their standards... then it's more about them anyway, not you. and who needs friends like that? LOL

Yes this is so true. And the people that do that will never realize that they are the ones making it about them.

I have been missing dito myself Dreemie, between work, coconuts and life it's been difficult to find time to reconnect but I'm getting back to it slowly and once these coconuts are done I'll have time to get back to it. Can't wait for that!

Love you more my Dreemie!

I'll be looking forward to that quiet time with you and my @andysantics48 Andygirl hehhee


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I hear that a lot "don't you get lonely"..... well occasionally but not often is the answer. I have to be alone to stop people driving me insane... xxx

Right Andy! We surely don't need to be going insane. That would be no good for anyone lol 🖤

Glad you're ready to connect again. x

Thank you Julia. I can't wait to be able to join the show again. I miss that little voice of yours.

I can so relate to your post, Mon. I also had a friend that would disappear for days at a time - something that she required and we were so close because we both understood this need to step away for recharging time. Perhaps this is also part of the introverted experience. Necessary for health.

Anyway.... I love you!

I'm so glad you get it babe. Your friend is lucky to have you. I can't tell you how many times I wished for just one friend that understood when I was younger. But I guess maybe those experiences helped shape me too.

Love you too, Doll!

Just let me be. :) People are so needy. Completely relate to this.

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They really are Pen. I knew you would relate.

I used to concern myself with that fact that most people couldn't handle me being that way. I learned that not only was that not good for me, it wasn't good for those around me either. I think part of my problem is that I can empathize with so many people.

^^ You said it, sister! Empathy is a gift and a curse. So much of what you've written is relatable to me, but you actually know when to step back and disconnect. Good on ya! Glad you check in periodically, though. You're a gem! (((hugs)))

I am starting to believe that you and I have a lot in common @katrina-ariel. Learning to disconnect was the best thing I could have done for myself. I would notice getting stressed and depressed with no patience feeling smothered and it just wasn't fair to anyone or myself.

You'll be seeing more of me once I get these coconuts done. Mardi Gras is right around the corner and I'll be able to join you more in discord.

You're a gem!

Thank you doll! So are you! 🖤🖤🤗

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I can so rely on this sweetie.. Especially the part where we wrap ourselves up in others so much.. Like I live to help others and be there for them, but when it gets Quiet I'm not needed... I feel lost and empty...

I hear your every word and it's OK to take a break and listen to your heart ❤️
I have made changes in my life in a way to.. Not wasting time on selfish people that drains you.. But surrounding myself with people who loves me the way I am... Who makes my life richer.
Life is to short to spend on useless things..focus on good things... Choose Life 😊

You are amazing my friend and I'm lucky to know you.
Be JUST AS YOU ARE.. You are loved 🤗❤️🤗

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