The latest and greatest game show to help keep humanity in an obedient trance!
Scene: A raucous crowd cheers. Spotlights, strobe lights, and neon sparkles dazzle. A smoke machine mystifies. Stepping onto the stage, a clownish version of a ken doll, Captain Smiley, struts around to greet the adoring onlookers. This is the live, international broadcast of……
The Super Bright Loud Happy Fun Distraction Show!
Captain Smiley: Greetings, all you millions of passive information consumers out there! Welcome to everyone’s favorite bread and circus extravaganza of the 21st century, The Super Bright Loud Happy Fun Distraction Show! I’m your host, Captain Smiley!
Crowd chants “Smiley, Smiley, Smiley!”
Captain Smiley: Let’s go ahead and meet our contestants, Ned and Fred Stampzred from Chicago. Guys, tell the world a little about Ned and Fred.
Ned: Hi, cap’n! I’ve worked in the Department of Makework for over twenty years.
Fred; And I’ve been there for eighteen years!
Captain Smiley: And what exactly does the Department of Makework do?
Ned (blushing): I’m not really sure, to be honest.
Fred: But we work in a big building and dress nicely, so it gives off the image that we do something important.
Captain Smiley (smug): How fortunate. Ok, let’s not keep the world waiting. Let’s play! In case you need a reminder, here are the rules! You’ll have to pass 3 tests, which could be in the form of trivia, a question, or in the form of a dangerous and dubious task. If you pass all 3, you win a million violence-backed federal reserve notes! If you don’t, well, you get a lot less! Are you ready?!
Ned (excited, rambling voice): Well, I watch the show all the time, and so does Fred, and sometimes we get nachos and watch with our…
Captain Smiley interrupts.
Captain Smiley: That’s nice. We’re on a timetable here, gentlemen. Leave the rambling to me.
Audience cackles.
Captain Smiley: Ok, let’s play!
Fireworks light up the sky.
Captain Smiley: The first test is a multiple choice trivia question. You’ll have one minute to answer and you’ll have the option to phone a friend if you need help.
This 2001 film starring George Clooney and Brad Pitt, tells the story of an elaborate casino heist in Las Vegas.
A. When Harry Met Sally
B. Black Jack Down
C. Super Troopers
D. Oceans 11
Fred (sweating, wiping forehead): Gosh golly, I dunno. Do you know, Ned?
Ned: Shucks, Fred. I’m tempted to say “A”, but I think we’d be better off phoning a friend.
Captain Smiley: Would you like to phone a friend?
Fred: Yeah, Ned, I say we call our neighbor, Bart. He’s been on welfare for years and all he does is watch movies.
Ned: Do it, cap’n! Get Bart on the line!
Captain Smiley: Very well! (turns to face female humanoid robot) Miss Robota, dial him up!
Phone rings a few times.
Ned: He’d better be home!
Phone clicks, and a sleepy face appears on the jumbotron.
Bart (yawning): This better be good. I was in a deep zanax sleep.
Captain Smiley: You’re live worldwide, so I hope you have a legal prescription!
Bart grumbles.
Captain Smiley: So your neighbors, Ned and Fred, are here on The Super Bright Loud Happy Fun Distraction Show and they need your help with a question! They say you’re quite the expert in movies.
Bart: I’ve seen every movie made since the 60s.
Captain Smiley (sarcastic): That’s something to brag about!
Smiley repeats the question to Bart.
Bart (sleepy giggle): Man, that’s easy. You guys don’t know that? Tell ya what, I’ll give you the answer if you cut me in on half your winnings.
Captain Smiley: Wow, ladies and gentleman! This is a first here on the show! Live extortion from a so-called friend! Ned, Fred, is this really the best you could do?
Ned and Fred give a sad, affirmative nod.
Captain Smiley: A testament to the atomization and immorality of society! Clocks tickin, guys.
Ned: Ok, half! Hurry!
Bart: It’s D, Oceans 11.
Fred: D, Oceans 11, final answer!
Captain Smiley: That’s correct!
Crowd cheers, strobe lights flash.
Captain Smiley (facing jumbotron): Bart, well played! You’re more clever than you look!
Bart gives satisfied smirk as the video feed is cut.
Captain Smiley: Guys, FYI, since your agreement with Bart isn’t in writing, I’m pretty sure an expensive lawyer could get you out of it.
Nervous guy in poorly-fitting suit runs onto stage and whispers in Smiley’s ear, then scurries away.
Captain Smiley: Ok, I’ve just been informed by a member of the show’s legal team that I’m not allowed to give legal advice on air. Anyway, side issue. Moving on, it’s time for the dangerous and dubious task! Guys, I need a volunteer before I reveal the task.
Fred (pointing finger): I volunteer Ned.
Ned (pointing finger): I volunteer Fred.
Fred: I volunteered you first!
Captain Smiley: A testament to cowering bureaucrats everywhere! Ok, guys, flip a coin!
Ned pulls a coin from pocket.
Ned: Heads I win, tails you lose.
Fred: Ok!
Crowd gives uproarious cackle.
Fred: Hey, uh, wait a minute!
Ned flips coin and wins.
Ned: See ya, sucka!
Captain Smiley (sarcastic): Feel the brotherly love! Miss Robota, please bring out the dangerous and dubious task equipment!
Miss Robota remote controls a large, flat, circular object (like a giant pancake) onto the stage. Down the middle of the circle is a long, flat, shiny path wide enough for one person to walk across.
The well-polished path is covered with soapy water, olive oil, and banana peels. On one side of the path is tightly woven rows of barbed wire, and on the other side of the path is a mesh of live electrical wires.
Captain Smiley: Ok, Fred, step right up! All you have to do to advance to the next round is cross the circle on that slippery ten meter path 4 times in 1 minute, without dying or getting knocked out! You can run, walk, slip, slide, crawl, dance, or whatever other way you can get across. It’s your choice! Careful, though, if you slip off the path, you’ll be maimed and/or electrocuted!
Fred gulps and steps up to the path, with his eyes nervously darting around.
Ned: It’ll be just like when we were kids, Fred! You remember the slip n’slide we had in the back yard! Only this’ll be easier, cuz I won’t be shooting you with a pressure washer!
Captain Smiley (sarcastic): Just what he needs to hear right now, Ned! Ok, 60 seconds on the jumbotron please! Ready Fred, and, Goooooooo!!!
Crowd goes nuts.
Clock starts. Fred tries to quickly tiptoe his way across, but quickly succumbs to an oily banana peel. He narrowly misses falling into the barbed wire and manages to crawl the rest of the way. Galvanized by this initial success, Fred valiantly tries to get a running start and slide across, but slides awkwardly and slams into the barbed wire.
Ned: Don’t worry, the soap and water will wash the blood off! Keep going!
Fred gets a surge of adrenaline, crawls out of the barbed wire, and crawls to the end of the path. He then tries what appears to be an awkward version of “The Worm” and somehow manages to complete the third crossing. Ned notices his brother gasping for breath and screams:
Fred, do like at work when you’re trying to go home early undetected!
Fred’s face lights up, and he drops to the ground and rolls himself almost straight, but at enough of an angle to catch one ankle on a piece of barbed wire. Fred glances at the clock, which reads five seconds! He shakes his ankle loose. Soapy blood sprays chaotically. Fred, just one meter away, does one final roll and gets a hand across the finish line just as time runs out.
Crowd goes berserk, fireworks blast off, boom, and sparkle.
Captain Smiley: Wow! I can’t believe what I just saw! What a fantastic finish! Fred’s gotta be the most athletic paper pusher in the world!
Ned: Way to go, Fred! I’m so glad that wasn’t me!
Captain Smiley: Miss Robota, go ahead and get Fred’s wounds stitched up before he bleeds out!
Miss Robota carries a limp Fred off stage.
Captain Smiley: All right, Ned, all that stands between you and one million violence backed fraud notes is one final test! Well, that, and maybe your nefarious neighbor Bart, who extorted you live on air. Are ya ready!?
Ned: Ready, cap’n!
Captain Smiley: The final test is a multiple choice question, based on this picture.
A picture pops up on the jumbotron. It’s cops busting into a house, destroying plants, and putting shackles on the home owner. There’s also a dog barking and a cat hissing at the cops.
In Natural Law, which of the following actions is a violation of rights, and thus wrongful behavior that contributes to the manifestation of slavery?
A. A person in a uniform with a badge violently invading private property, destroying plants, and throwing the property owner in a cage.
B. The property owner’s dog barking at the person in the uniform.
C. The property owner screaming at the person in uniform.
D. The property owner’s cat hissing at the person in uniform.
Ned: Oh, golly, well, I’m pretty sure it’s not the dog or the cat doing anything wrong. The person in uniform I assume is a cop or some other government worker and sometimes they have to destroy plants. And I’m pretty sure it’s against the law to scream at a cop, so, well, I guess I’ll have to say “C” as my final answer.
Captain Smiley: Oooooo! I’m sorry, Ned! That is incorrect!
Crowd collectively awwwws.
The correct answer is “A”! A person in a uniform with a badge violently invading private property, destroying plants, and throwing the property owner in a cage is WRONG. Actually, any person taking violent action is engaged in wrongful behavior. Don’t worry, though, Ned, you’re not going home empty handed! You and Fred will both receive a super deluxe slip n’slide! If Fred doesn’t want his, I’m sure your nefarious neighbor Bart will take it! (turns to face camera) That’s it for tonight’s show! Stay tuned for more distractions! Until next time, world!
Thanks for your time and attention!
Just say "NO" to slavery!
Top image is from wikimedia commons
Fun story! But... Does private property really exist in natural law?
Thanks! Yes, due to self-ownership, private property can be morally obtained.
Or to put it another way: How do we decide what's who's property if there's no authority?
Another good question. I don't think there is any one answer, but multiple possibilities. I think it would be interesting to see how many peaceful, innovative techniques would be created to resolve property disputes in a society where true liberty exists. How about you?
I guess we would have to come to agreements, and to find agreements we would all have to be rational ;)
Rational, a very key word. What occurs today is highly irrational, hence so many problems.
So true.
I would indeed agree on the word posession, but the private property concept seems to me constructed by power... What do you think?
Good question. Referring to private property as a possession I think makes sense. It's something that has been obtained morally, in accordance with Natural Law. I would say that most possessions serve some type of function and are generally put to use by the possessor, in some fashion or another.
Makes sense. The main problem I see with property the way it is today, is that people have the right to own something they will never use and prive it from people who need it. I think the world would be a lot better if we only could call it ours if we actually and personally used it (or if we created it, as another example). I guess a mentality change in the masses would have to occur for this to work, but I keep hoping :)
Yes, I agree, there are definitely flaws in the current "property system". The mentality must change first before anything else. One can hope, right?
Yes, I agree, there are definitely flaws in the current "property system". The mentality must change first before anything else. One can hope, right?
We have to ;)