Nit nit nit.
I made an inward tsking noise as I browsed my HIVE feed. It was awash with people regurgitating stories of Bitcoin becoming legal tender.
I clicked and skimmed through a few and made that face people make when they crack open an egg for the frying and find one of those strange little shadowy foetus shapes inside it. The ones that look like little chicken Hiroshima silhouettes.
For fuck sake.
I thought to myself, trying but oddly failing to imagine a sad face emoji.
Will people trot out any old shit in their desperation for a daily post?
I made to close my laptop as it was groaning under the weight of so much crypto bullshit.
Then I stopped. Hang on. What was it that they said...
If you can't beat them, join them...
No, surely I couldn't vomit up the headlines from a random crypto news site and serve them up to people as if they were my own ideas just for a few bucks?
But then, I was technically working and I could hear one of the cats barfing up what sounded like the mother of all hairballs. You know the kind, the ones that look like those tragic raggedy scarves that hipsters wear only with added slime.
Didn't fancy cleaning that up. Nor answering the myriad Teams messages that were piling up on my work screen.
Fuck it. I will write about El fucking Arse-end-of-nowhere adopting Bitcoin as a currency.
I thought back to Lynn, an erstwhile girlfriend who, in a Tardis-Esque way, was larger on the inside than she was on the outside.
I swallowed hard to lock down my own hairball at the thought.
That settled it, I had definitely done worse. I waggled my fingers as if I were limbering up to play a pork sonata and prepared to type.
This is HUGE!
I wrote.
I gulped. This was hopeless, I already felt like an arse. How did these people do this day after day?!
Perhaps they are used to feeling like arses?
Huge news coming out of El Fuckingwhatever about Bitcoin...
Ugh, it was no use. Every time I wrote the word huge I thought of large fish being held up by odd faced men beside a body of water.
Did women fish? I wondered?
Hmm, perhaps not. Maybe they should? I could imagine the Good Lady proudly presenting me with a gaping Snapper.
Focus man, focus.
Come on, find your inner plagiarist!
I skimmed a few Bitcoin and El Salvador articles and felt glad that the Good Lady didn't want any more children as their reading rendered me practically sterile.
One of the articles excitedly spoke about other countries that were ready to follow suit.
Tonga?
What the fuck? That wasn't a country? Wasn't that a fancy robe that the Romans wore or something? Unless it was that country where everyone was fat? Or was that Samoa? Not for the first time I shook my head at my own ineptitude at Geography.
I couldn't do it.
Wincing I looked over at one of my cats, the evil one called Shady. She was looking awfully pleased with herself as she licked her own arse.
I bet it was you that barfed up that hairball. Sounded like one of those slightly frothy smelly ones too.
She stopped at my words and stared at me smugly.
I looked at my laptop.
Fuck fuck fuck. What was it to be, write a Bitcoin shit post or clean up something sicky.
I closed the laptop lid.
I'll take the cat puke.