My cousin Michael died in his sleep - we think - yesterday. At least he was found in his bed, dead. The police came and informed his mother last night. His sister Alison, a cousin I've always been fairly close to, rang with the news as I was walking through the forest next to me. He's with the coroner, but it's likely nothing untoward - perhaps his heart just gave up in his sleep. He was due to see his boys today, and loved them dearly.
It's complicated for her - he's been estranged from the family for years due to his mental health, which made relationships with her very difficult to say the least. How can you grieve for someone you didn't like, in the end? My Mum had a brother like that. Long story. But it was hard for her to feel sad when they hadn't seen each other in years and he was a bit of a creep.
Last time I spoke to him it was via Instagram texts when his Dad died last year, right in the middle of COVID lockdown. He talked about his relationship with alcohol and how things were going in that regard, which were good, given he couldn't drink without killing himself. It's only now looking back at those messages that I saw he was in AA too which I missed in the strange messages where I texted to see where he was and if he was going, as his sister couldn't get a hold of him and didn't use Instagram.
Once a year or so he'd seen me a message - 'a happy birthday cuz, loveyaguttttts' or, responding to a photo of a sea eagle 'wow, cool sea eagle, I remember seeing one once down at ...etc'. I hadn't seen him for years. In fact the last time I saw him was at a festival.
We got along well, me and my cousin. We shared a love of the same music, went to the same festivals, loved nature and art and freedom. He loved me a lot, I think, seeing me as a kindred free spirit. I guess I dont mourn who he became, but mourn who he was when his life was full of potential. I don't want to talk about what happened but remember the good things about him. That's the advice I gave his sister, my other loved cousin, who must work through these complicated feelings over a brother she'd kinda lost years ago.
When she called I sat under a pine tree next to a huge clump of mushrooms and cried a little with her before hanging up and watching the light move through and a willy wagtail screech at me from the fenceline. He would have liked that, I think, that I was sitting in the middle of a forest saying goodbye to him.
See ya, cuz. Loveyagutttttts.
With Love,
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Awe man, I'm sooo sorry to hear your sad news! I think I get where you're coming from, it's about the loss of course, but I would imagine it's also the sadness of a tortured soul who never reached his full potential! Life really sucks at times, but I do believe that we move on from here, in a different form of course, to a place where we are free from illness and heartache that this world sadly brings to so many people.
I believe your cousin is free from all mental anxious and will be watching over you now, a free and happy soul.
Ok, so I hope you don't mind me sharing this so just ignore it if it's not relevant to you, but I used to ask myself over and over, how can a God of mercy allow all the madness of this world, till someone said to me that God has given man free will and reign here in the physical world, but that he has total control of the spiritual world.
We tend to ask ourselves if we couldn't have done more, when the 'black sheep' of the family passes on, but we can't, so his sister will find the mixed feelings difficult to deal with, I'm sure.
Sorry for the long story, but, I feel for your loss💔
@lizelle, thanks for the lovely comment. He certainly was troubled in the end but was reaching some kind of stability I think - my cousin did hold hope that she'd one day maybe have a relationship back, whilst at the same time protecting herself by disliking him so. I'm sure he's with his Dad - sadly he passed on last year and I was just looking at Mikey's facebook wall where he posted a pic of the two of them with the comment 'see ya on the other side' - which was much sooner than I think he expected. I like to think of them having a chat and a beer somewhere, and a big bear hug. Such sadness today still.
I'm sure they are reunited today and celebrating being together again. It's almost as if one knows when the time of moving on is near.
Too much sadness in this old world of ours, thinking of you💞
It does feel a little drenched in sadness today. I did get a unexpected call off an old Hive friend out of the blue today, all the way from the US, so that cheered me up!
🤗🤗🤗
Thanks lovely x
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Exactly. And yes, the things we mourn when people pass are not always their complete lives, as they ended. Sometimes we mourn what wasn't or couldn't be.
Hugs. Bless that little willy-wagtail. He knew.
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Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss!
Losing a loved one is always hard, no matter what.
I hope you take the time to mourn.
And yes, it seems like he would have liked the way
you've said good bye to him.
Much love to you my friend.
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My condolences. R.I.P
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Very sad and hard when the relationship hasn't been good. Even sadder when an addiction is involved. Hugs....
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This is really sad news. But I see you hang on to the positive thoughts. It's good to remember the good ones. Everyone makes mistakes in life, that makes us human. But only strong people can see through the mistakes and bad times and cherish the good ones forever in our heart. Take care!
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Sad news, indeed. Tight hugs! 🤗
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I am so sorry for your loss. I can understand your cousin's feeling about losing someone she lost long ago, but now she is faced with the loss of hope that things will return to the way they once were with her brother.
I hope your cousin finds peace on another plane that he didn't reach on this one. And that you remember him for the good moments you shared. A hug
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Sorry for your loss… condolences!
Big hug 🤗
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Big up to you ❤️
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So sorry to hear of your loss. 🤗 Perhaps he was saying a spiritual goodbye to you through the screech of the willy wagtail.
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I'm so sorry to hear this news. Sending you a huge hug and lots of love.
I imagine that yes he would love that you were in the bush when you heard of his passing, the perfect place to give him a good send off xxxxxx
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So sorry to hear about that - it's so difficult when it happens suddenly! Being in the forest can be a comforting place as it seems to have been for you! Sending a big comforting hug!
It seems like most people only get a second chance once. Don't want to miss that one.
!LUV
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Sorry to hear of your lose. It sounds like you and your cousin were somewhat close many years ago, but not so much lately.
We all have a candle to burn and some folk come across daemons that just can't be conquered and their candle burns out way to young.
May he rest in peace and only the good times you had together occupy your thoughts.
Somehow... that natural love and bond of family relationships - find a way. No matter what and no matter who, good or bad, there's always that feeling that you know they are family and you tend to love em all the same.
I concur with what you said about remembering the good times instead of the bad ones - that's the best way to honor a person whom has passed. I'm sure your cousin would've liked that little forest goodbye you gave him very much.
I send my love and condolences to you, your family, and his family too. Take care...
I'm so sorry for the loss of your cousin!
So sorry for your loss, my friend. Grief is nothing if not complicated. I hope your cousin can work through hers in her own way, and his boys, as well.
I saw the mushroom post, then came here, but what a nice way to remember him if you are so lucky to find those gorgeous lavender fungi again next season. A special way to visit him in your thoughts.