“I want you to look inside the next time you say yes to something. Do you wish you didn't say yes? How does it feel? You are not a bad friend if you give them fast notice that you can not help them. Call them right away to tell them you have a schedule conflict.” ― Tracy Malone
There is a difference between being a kind, considerate individual and being a doormat. I have all the time in the world for honestly GOOD people… that have back bones! – In fact – I might be so bold as to basket myself alongside those… but I have a very low to zero tolerance for people that simply never seem to stand up for themselves but perpetuate their situation...
There are two primary reasons why I find ‘people pleasers exhausting… Firstly, because they deserve better. These people are always the ones that continuously and repeatedly put up with and ‘swallow’ things, situations or circumstances which they actually don’t want or agree with. This is so fundamentally WRONG and damaging to them as individuals and their personal growth. What you think and want matters! – YES, it does! And secondly, because they repeatedly burden everyone around them because internally they KNOW they deserve better but cant bring themselves to change it!
Sounds harsh, yes. But it’s true! People who never say NO when they should (or when they want to) will generally offload onto someone close to them because of their inner disapproval for their decision making.
I understand that every person’s character dynamic is founded and formed by on-going circumstance throughout their lives, and it is often easier for some to stand up for themselves than it is for others, but what I have an issue with is when those that lack the ability to do so, go to others for guidance, advice or support – they receive it - and then, they don’t use it, ever!
We all have our issues and (in my opinion) are all beautifully and perfectly flawed. It is precisely what makes us all so uniquely magnificent, but don’t ask for help or advice if you never intend to actually use it. To my mind, doing that on a regular basis is essentially dragging other people into your realm of indecision, doubt and frustration. In essence you are using them so that you – can offload but stay precisely where you started, because it is easier than the challenge of change! – Not cool!
If you come to me with a question about solving a problem that you essentially created yourself, I advise you and you choose to ignore ‘said advice’ – please know that each and every time that you approach me from that point forward, my enthusiasm for offering advice is bound to diminish. Why? - Because advice is a tool. Tools are pretty damn useless when left lying on the floor.
Apart from that, whilst I love helping people who at least attempt to help themselves – I also have my own issues, decisions and circumstance to deal with on a daily basis. Let’s be honest, for the most part, our lives are all crazy busy and we have so little time left at the end of each day for anything much of true quality, that, to be quite frank, I would far rather expend my ‘spare energy’ on something or someone a little more constructive or inspiring! - Dont get me wrong - I am always willing to be there for someone who is making an attempt at being there for themselves!
“If you want something badly enough, you will find a way – if not, you will find an excuse.”
There is so much truth in that statement! If you are stuck in a vicious, repetitive circle of ‘people pleasing’ – never standing up for what you want, saying yes all the time, never disagreeing and so on and so forth - and you would like things to start unfolding differently – then guess what – you actually have to make an effort to do just that! Nothing in your life, my life or anyone else’s would ever be any different if we all just sat and whined all day about everything that made us unhappy.
I have had to overcome many challenges in my life, some battles I continue to fight in the hopes that one day those demons too, will be laid to rest, but I will only go to someone for advice if I am truly seeking change. I am not going to sit and suck the life out of another so that I can momentarily feel better about myself, shrug off the present issue and then come back knocking when “oops I did it again.” No! Bugger off – seriously!
Am I being cruel? I don’t think so. Selfish? - Yes, perhaps a little – but sometimes a little selfishness is not such a bad thing – because I matter! (See what I did there... lol)
The next time you are in a position where you are feeling ‘obligated’ to say one thing, but REALLY want to say another – try, JUST TRY to say what you REALLY want to, and see how utterly liberated you walk away feeling! Start with the small stuff and build from there. “No, that is not how you spell my name” or “No, I am really not up to joining, but thanks for the offer.” Baby steps… baby steps…
The people you turn to for advice in these moments are not random, they have a purpose, a role to play, tools to offer… but you have to take the tools in hand and test out the advice in order to determine whether or not it works for you. If it doesn’t, fine – at least you tried, but don't get stuck into a cycle that at some point you will struggle to get out of!
❤❤❤
Until next time...
Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea
FOUNDER OF THE POWER HOUSE CREATIVES
JOIN ME ON TWITTER
JOIN ME ON TORUM
A GENUINE community dedicated to embracing, encouraging, uplifting and SUPPORTING Hive content creators. We welcome ALL content genres on our community page and aim to provide our subscribers a read worthy feed.
JOIN OUR DISCORD COMMUNITY
SUBSCRIBE TO OUR COMMUNITY FEED
FOLLOW US ON TWITTER
......
ALL IMAGES ARE MY PROPERTY UNLESS OTHERWISE CREDITED
No truer words have ever been spoken! I get judged and labelled a B*** because I see life the same way you do on this topic. I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings but I also value mine. If more people could take control of their own life and emotions rather then try to support everyone that most of the time offer nothing in return when tables are turned generally tend to be more unhappy in the long run and yes it is draining on others. We all have issues to deal with, it's called life. I happen to have cut a lot of people out of my life including family members yet they do not understand their behavior is irrational rather than sit and fight with them and complain about it, I just walked away and feel better for it rather than trying to please the unpleasable. Great write up!
I have wanted to read an article like this for so long, its something people don't take note of. I did a podcast some time ago on the importance of saying no.
I think the mundane term is an a** licker. I saw what you did there too. 😁
Beware the people pleaser who is also , 'ever so nice'and 'always smiling'...
Dark water lies under the facade in my experience.
...Throw in high IQ, and you can have some serious manipulators.
(I don't really fall into the 'people pleaser mould' too much...)
I was, literally, researching something about this subject , when I read this - I'll be doing something myself soon along similar lines - but probably not half as measured as yours, though....(knowing me.lol)
Good post.
Greetings friend, excellent article, in short we must have our own criteria, to express what we think even if it is not in accordance with what other people want to hear.
It has happened that when you don't know how to say "no" and you please everyone and the day comes when it's time to say you can't help, they come to label you as selfish. At this point in my life I have also learned that I should not worry about everybody liking me, that they should accept me with my defects and virtues.
See you later my friend, have a happy Sunday, blessings! 👋
Each walks a road of good and bad, giving/taking. Most definitely when you feel you are being used rather move along before you get dragged into someones else's life.
@tipu curate
I read such a good article for the first time. Thank you so much for sharing this. I enjoyed reading it dear.
@jaynie I found a good lesson from your article! Thank you for sharing your view which will encourage and guide many people.😊👍
People pleasing is an endless cycle that leaves one empty and feeling awful. Not a healthy thing at all. A good “No” can feel pretty good. Your life and mental health is worth it. People will respect you more and self respect will follow.
Good points Jaynie. Your good at pointing out the Elephant in the room. Lol 😆
Learning to say no is very important. People pleasing corrodes self esteem. And for some folks nothing you do is ever good enough. So why not say no to that? Great article Jaynie! Have a splendid week!
So very true. Saying no used to be so much harder.
As usual, you make great points with style and clarity. I want to pick a hole in your post so I don't come across as a people pleaser... but I have failed!
I used to spend a lot of time offering advice that people didn't take. I rarely do it now. Most people know the answers to there problems but don't want to take that path because it is difficult in some way.
Link to the previous post
Copying and pasting previous posts or significant parts of them could be seen as spam when:
Spam is discouraged by the community and may result in the account being Blacklisted.
Please refrain from copying and pasting previous posts going forward. If you believe this comment is in error, please contact us in #appeals in Discord.