Another busy week has passed, from now on though I'll not have these shifts until midnight, it's back to normal office hours. They have taken a toll, I'm not 20 anymore. But on the other side, I'm not even sure there will be so much work in the coming weeks. My work contract is far from optimal. I'm paid by the hour so they let me know every Monday how much work there will be that week. It's a bit hard to plan like that but it is what it is.
I know I have been writing a lot about my return to Stockholm, mostly so before I was even back here. And since I moved back here about 5 weeks ago I have been working a lot on acceptance. I felt so bad in the beginning about being back and then I got so busy I didn't really have much time to reflect and feel anything really, more than a worry about pushing myself too hard. But at the same time, I also felt that my energy level is way higher than it has been for many years actually. I would say my health is pretty good at the moment. And that's for sure something worth celebrating. But yesterday I had a complete meltdown. I decided I really need to rest for an entire day. And I cried for hours. My body was shaking and I let it release, knowing this was something I had kept a lid on lately. It's challenging to feel this deep pain but I don't shy away from it anymore, I know I have to cycle through it to complete the stress cycle. And I knew this isn't working for me. My body doesn't want to be here, doesn't want to be this busy, doesn't want this cold.
How to deal with a situation - 3 options
I can't remember from where I got this (maybe Eckhart Tolle) but there are 3 ways you can deal with a situation:
- Accept the situation.
- If you can't accept the situation, try and change the situation in a way so you can find acceptance.
- If that's also not possible, there's one option left: leave the situation.
I have been working on acceptance since I got back here but it's obvious to me now that it isn't working. My whole being is screaming that it doesn't want to be here. I could try and change the situation somehow here and that might help me to feel differently about this place. But I don't think it's worth the effort. No, it's time to leave the situation. I never thought I would move back here but well, this year I have been going through a lot, and with the whole Covid situation and all the uncertainty, I decided to give it a try, to return here. After all, this flat is my last financial security after having spent the last 4 years hardly working at all. In a way, it feels like it's crazy to sell this flat given the financial situation I'm currently in, but it's not worth keeping it. I'll never thrive here. And thriving is what I'm working towards. I'm done living in a mediocre way, I'm going after all of my desires and I also know you have to be brave and take a lot of risks to achieve that.
I'll start the process of selling my flat, this will take a couple of months (at least) so I'll not leave immediately. And I'll come up with a new plan for my life.
I feel grateful for the journey so far and that I keep showing up for myself the way I do. And I'm curious what the Universe has in store for me next 🙂
Interestingly enough I received a suitable Present Moment Reminder from Eckhart Tolle today in my inbox (I get these every day but varies how receptive I am to them).
Stess is caused by being 'here' but wanting to be 'there'
— Eckhart Tolle
I don't know where I want to be yet but I do know that I don't want to be here so that's a start. Now I can start to think about here I actually want to be. Of course, you can think about this in so many ways but for me, it's also about the physical place, that's just a big question mark at the moment. What I want in other terms is more clear to me so I guess that can serve as guidance in my search for a new home (it's not Sweden, that I know).
Thanks for reading 🙏
Love and blessings to you all 💚
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Wow, eye-opener post! Sorry that you are feeling so much discomfort in your life due to moving back to a place where you don't wish to be! These times are nothing but normal and we all have to make decisions about our life that we otherwise may have made totally different. It's great to read that you have a flat that you can sell though, so if that's done, you have options! And it also means that having an unstable income isn't immediately causing financial trouble (as far as I understand from reading your post) these are all great things and I think many others would be satisfied by having that alone.
The acceptance part / or change is something I totally relate to. I've learned to look at things quite quickly the same way, can I change it? No? So I can worry and feel stressed, but might as well accept it, if I can't try to work towards a better environment. We've done that before, moving countries, so not unfamiliar with that.
We too had life planned out differently. After a few years of "accepting" the place we are living in, and just dealing with it as long as needed until we decided on a better country/village whatever, we decided we really need to move to Spain. A lot of reasons for us to go there and our mind was set, we set ourselves a deadline and I started envisioning.
But slowly things started to change (not for the better) in Spain due to the pandemic and while I had already been warned by several people (which I didn't want to listen to lol) that this was not the smartest choice probably, we were focussed on making it happen. A while ago, our eyes were opened due to the political situation and we thought, we might as well stick to the previous plan we had: get a property here have a home base, and work from there towards a country we really desire to live in. This was truly our plan before lockdowns, and I never thought we'd focus on Spain after that. Now we found out that having a stable base somewhere is probably the absolute smartest thing for us as a family to go for. As I don't thrive having stress around changing measurements. I can't deal with it. I can manage far easier by being in a country I don't really desire (and the people lol) by having our own bubble at home, than moving somewhere where I'm not sure what the status is.
The thing is, I feel we can't change a damn thing about what governments decide on restrictions and they often come so unexpected that I really need us to have a place to call home, not a rental, but an actual property. So in a way, I would love to be in your shoes regarding that part :) I'm happy for you that you have such backup funds to move to a place where you feel happy. I know how it is to have physical discomfort from the colder months and I have noticed that I can deal with it much better now I we have a nice and bigger apartment for a year (compared to the few years before in a small one and where I wasn't happy). I manage my emotions far better here.
I think you're on the right path and I really hope that you will find your answers soon about where you want to go and thrive!
Sorry for the long book-comment :) I felt I needed to do so..
Have a great Sunday!
!ENGAGE 25
thanks! :)
Wow, thank you for your comment, I'm so happy you got something out of it 🙏
Yes it's correct that I have a flat I can sell but I also have a mortgage so well, let's see how much money will be left...I don't have a lot of backup funds really but I try to believe money will flow into my life quite soon 🙂
Where are you living now? Yes, I think the whole 'bubble at home' is easier to achieve when you have a family. But on the other hand, it's also easier to move around more if it's just yourself.
I hope you'll find a great solution for yourself and your family. xx
ENGAGEtokens.It takes so much courage to be where you are, and make the choice to leave something behind without knowing what's ahead.
Sending you love. All will be well. Start over 1000% times if you need or want to. Have a spare room in Chiang Mai, Thaland if you need a transition hidey-hole some day.
Thank you for witnessing me in this @artemislives 🙏Your spare room sounds very alluring 🙂I really want to return to Chiang Mai some day. Hope to see you there then 💚
I'm glad you have been feeling so GOOD - me too - and then, like you, suddenly FLOORED. Funny how you can be both 'happy' and 'not happy' at the same time. We can 'accept' but also 'not accept', 'let be' and 'not let go' - and all of those states are fine, helping us cope but also providing impetus for change. Again, we're made to 'go with the flow' - such a bloody cliche, but it's a good one. We can go with the flow of a river, but it doesn't mean we shouldn't swim like fuck when we want to, right?
Giving myself these lessons as I write - I'm happy/not happy too! Much love, @riverflows
Haha love your comment ❤️ Swim like fuck, yes maybe that's what I'm doing 🙂
A brave move.
Was wondering how you were doing and then I read this. It seems like we're in a parallel universe. I literally went to my house yesterday ( where I haven't been in weeks ) to take pictures, so I can put it FOR SALE soon. I might still rent it out temporarily ( as I'm not living there at the moment ) but I don't see myself living there anymore.
Can't wait to sell it, close the chapter and buy more crypto.
Let's catch up one of these days.
Big hug from Portugal!
Nice to read your comment Vincent, seems like the right move for you 🙂From what I have read it seems you are in a process of finding more of a community in Portugal and that seems great for you, I'm happy to hear this.
Well, it will take some time before this whole process is done, of course. I won't put my flat on the market until after New Years, my nervous system can't handle that, I just came back and haven't even had time to clean my place properly 😳
But it feels good, knowing I'm only here temporarily.
Hi @mamrita, your post has been upvoted by @bdcommunity courtesy of @rem-steem!
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