I never understood how people could be sad around the holidays. Christmas, for me, has always been a time of light and joy and celebration. I have always been the type to put up my tree the day after Thanksgiving, and I decorate every inch of my house with garlands and figurines and miniature Christmas trees. It has always been my favorite time of year, where the world seems like a brighter, more loving place. But this year, there is darkness.
My sweet mom passed away last January. Last Christmas was already difficult, because I knew it would be her last. This year is harder. I haven't decorated my tree, although it did get put up. I haven't made a single batch of Christmas cookies. There are no garlands, no nativity scene or Christmas village. Christmas was so intertwined with my mother, that it is impossible to celebrate Christmas while grieving her. As a child, my mom made Christmas so special. She decorated the entire house, we made cookies together, we went out to see Christmas lights, we played in the snow. We would sing carols by candlelight. We would cook and bake for hours while The Rat Pack crooned their Christmas carols out of the record player. Christmas meant peace. It meant safety and love and joy.
When a parent or loved one dies, they leave a hole behind. The day my mom died, I felt as though a piece of my soul was ripped out. It was physical, mental, and emotional pain all at once. If you have lost a loved one, you probably understand that feeling completely. This Christmas, instead of light and joy and love, I feel the hole where my Mama used to be. I feel sadness. This is my first Christmas without her in my life. These past 32 years, she was a constant. She was always there. And now suddenly, she isn't.
This year, Christmas means darkness. It is a reminder of the time shortly before my mom passed away, when she was suffering so greatly. It is a reminder that she isn't here with me anymore. It is a reminder that she won't be sending gifts for my kids to open over Skype. There will be no phone call from her on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. There will be no phone call at midnight on January 1st to wish me a happy new year. I can't call her to ask for the recipe for her special Christmas cookies. I can't send her a Christmas gift. She won't be sending me a box of my favorite chocolates. She is gone.
Seeing the whole world light up with Christmas lights and holiday tunes is jarring. It so conflicts with the sadness and pain that is within my heart. I can't listen to the radio, I can't watch Christmas movies. It hurts too much.
I have come to the realization that it is OK to not be OK. This is how Christmas is for me this year, and that is OK. I am still grieving the loss of my mother, of course it isn't going to be the way that it used to be. Perhaps next year will be better, and perhaps it won't. And that is OK too. There is no timeline for grief. I am accepting the way that I feel right now, acknowledging those feelings, and giving myself all the grace (and ice cream) I need.
If you are also experiencing a difficult holiday season, please know that you are not alone. Remind yourself that it is OK to feel the way that you feel in this moment, and that it won't last forever. Whether this is your first holiday without your loved one, or your 50th, I am sending you all of my love. Whether you are going through grief, depression, or something else, you are NOT alone. I am always here to talk, even if we don't know each other yet.
I feel you Mommy! <3 Sending love and hugss from here. It's our 2nd Christmas without my Mom. But I know we will celebrate it with her on our side. Not physically. But she'll be there. Much love Mommy! <3
Thank you Anak <3 Much love to you too
Wow so sorry to hear about your mom. I know it's tough to get in the Christmas spirit when you're missing a loved one. Hang in there!
I wish I could say something to make you feel better. This year is my 9th anniversary of my mom's death. This year I also lost my dad. Although, I missed both terribly, it was my mom that hit me the most. A few months after her death, we were in no mood to celebrate Christmas, but my dad insisted since she was such a Christmas lover. We didn't celebrate New Year's eve, though.
I appreciate your words Mamshie, because this is the time of the year when I feel more alone than ever. I had my sister and she lives next door, but without my parents the house feels lonely. It's difficult to move along with such a pain within us. Maybe it's a chance to have a different Christmas this year. I don't know, but I wish you the best for you, Beren and your kids, and I hope this gets you closer together as a family. I feel good things are coming next year and as you said, it's OK to feel bad. Sometimes we pretend that everything is fine, when it isn't and that is such a soul crusher. It's better to let it out, it maybe anger, solitude or sadness. It's OK.
A huge hug from Costa Rica for you and your family!
Thank you cpol. I am sorry that you are suffering too! I am sorry for your losses. <3 Big hugs to you!
I am so sorry, I know how you feel, it is awful. Life is tough, to say the least. I am lucky my Mom is still here. The past year my Stepfather who was like a father to me died, my brother and my Father. I am glad Splinterlands often gets it off my mind. I hope you feel better soon, talking to others who are in the same boat may help.
I am so sorry for your losses, dear Clove! Its so hard to lose the people that we love. Splinterlands has helped me so much. It has been a great distraction, but it has also helped me find a beautiful community that I truly feel like I belong in. The Splinterlands family has become my family. I am grateful for all of you! I know there are others out there who are having a hard time this holiday season. I posted this in the hopes that they will know that they aren't alone. <3
Thanks so much for sharing this. I can relate as I lost my beloved Grandmother 5 years ago. I find solace in knowing she lived her life on her own terms and to the fullest. I am always reminded of her on my birthday because without fail she would always send a birthday card no matter where she was (she loved to travel). Although I am not as on time as her I do the same now for my Grandchildren. Take Care