It’s happening again. Yesterday the mom got angry at me for not bidding her will, and took Lily. Just for the night I guess. I’m not sure, there is no way of knowing. She’s in school now, or should be. Again something I can’t know.
It had started earlier. She didn’t like that Lily was playing at friend’s places for an entire weekend. Or that she had a sleepover. It wasn’t about arguments, it was about finding something to justify ripping Lily out of the stability and security that I had built for her. Ripping her out of our community, where she’s happy. It’s always between September and December that she gets like that. Aggressive. Conflictive. Insecure.
I know it’s not my fault. Nor Lily’s. We’ve been doing good, maybe too good? Yes, I’m asking myself too many questions anyway. What could I have done differently? Nothing. The truth is that she wanted it to happen. When someone in power – and here in Ecuador, the mother is in power completely – wants something to happen, they’ll make it happen.
There are no rational arguments behind it. I did take the opportunity and told my story, too, as Lily was unfortunately listening when her mom went at me with all those accusations. For completion of the story:
- Lily is supposedly always dirty.
- I never have her wash herself.
- I never do her hair.
- She always wears horrible clothes.
- I don’t feed her right.
- She spends more time at other people’s houses than at home.
Things like that. Those who have kids know. Lily’s mom doesn’t. She’s never here. I told her that nothing of that is true and did contribute my arguments to the “discussion”. Of course, she didn’t like that, but if she was already that mad, why not get a few things out there. Maybe something will stick in her mind, though I doubt it. It never has. But it’s good that I said it. That Lily was able to hear the other side, too. Had to. She was changing into her ballet clothes. Her mom was getting more upset, it’s not often that I set limits and defend myself. So I went to see how Lily was doing.
“I want to live with mom”, was the first thing she said, frightened. Pleasing the mom for peace. I know this well. I hugged her.
“If you really want that, that’s okay,” I whispered in her ear. “But it’s not something that you have to decide, nor now.”
“I don’t want to have to decide.” Heart clenched. Breath. Give her a kiss.
“You don’t have to. Remember what you told me? That nobody is going to take us apart? I’ll always be with you, I’ve made it until now, right?” She nods. I help her put on the tights that she chose to wear under the dress. It’s raining season, she catches a cold quickly.
She came back after ballet. To do her homework and pack a few things. Her mom had realized that she didn’t have anything for Lily to stay the night with her (she lives 3h away and stays at hostels when here) nor to prepare for school, after I had sent her a message with the homework and other details about Lily’s routines. I packed a bag, clothes, toothbrush, school stuff.
“Can I take teddy?”
“Yes of course.”
“Good, because I can’t sleep without him.”
“I know, love.”
She finished her homework. My brother was here, too, so Lily wanted us to lift her up and hug between the three of us. We did. A little longer than usual. Then her mom came and off they went. Her mom wouldn’t tell me where they stayed, because I’m not allowed to know, according to her. It’s none of my business. Power plays. When she asks me, I have to answer right away. Just another double moral.
I got used to it, as much as one can. I know my path. I have my strategy, and it’s working out well for Lily. There will always be bumps in the road, I can’t always protect her from the misguided anger, frustration, fears and trauma that her mom carries and doesn't want to address properly. But I can tell her afterwards, help her work through her own issues that she will eventually develop. If she decides to. I try to be the better example there. Showing the positives of working through my issues. Trying to make a point there. I hope she’ll see the difference of value behind her mom’s approach, and mine. One day.
It still hurts. Every time. The constant attacks. The rage against everything. The inability of even realizing how it affects Lily. Or worse, the capacity of making up arguments in her head to justify her actions against us. Sometimes I wish I didn’t live in Ecuador. That I lived in a country where those fathers who actually choose to be fathers (because many scumbags don’t, and that’s why the law here is what it is), where those have a chance to be fathers. And not have to live under the constant threat of being taken apart again. Where parents are forced to find compromise for their children’s well-being, instead of their own egoistical agendas, using the kids as weapons. Utopia. I know.
Okay. Time to get up again, wipe those tears off my face. I’ve got this.
Thank you for reading! Written this morning. Reviewed and published 12h later. Please feel free to engage in any original way, including dropping links to your posts on similar topics. I'm happy to read (and curate) any quality content that is not created by LLM/AI, as well as read your own experience and point of view, I love to learn!
This is so devastating. I'm so sorry for all of you. Lilly's Mum must really struggle and her inability to see the impact of her actions and where they stem from must be not only frustrating but clearly devastating for Lilly, the most important person here.
You are doing amazing. It is easy to fight, to use underhand strategies, to turn Lilly against her Mum and confuse her further. But you have chosen to be a better parent by trying to remain the solid, dependable one. Lilly will gravitate toward that as she gets older and it will hopefully counter the insanity of her mother.
I can't believe you aren't allowed to know where they are. I feel so angry at Lilly's Mum and could slap her and I don't even know her!
Thank you for your words. I just had therapy together with my brother - he invited me, it was the first time for him witnessing the extend of the situation. It seems like I do filter out very well when I talk to them about what's happening between the mom, Lily and I. He felt like you, and he's not a violent guy at all, but had the darkest thoughts.
The psychologist gave great insights, in and of itself worth a post maybe. But I did well defending myself in front of Lily, not letting the mom get away with her empty accusations. And though it's very hard, especially for my brother, it's important to not see the mom as evil, but as a human. Lily is half her, and Lily defines herself as half her, so demonizing the mom is - from Lily's perspective - demonizing Lily. Neutrality is the key here, not to camouflage her bs, but also not judging.
The latter is the next step on my personal development ladder. That's going to be an interesting one. It was really great to see as well my development over the last 7 years (it's the same psychologist that accompanied me when the mom had taken Lily out of the country without telling me, and I didn't know where they where nor if they'd come back), and get reassured on my path, and get some advice on what not to do, and how to avoid slipping (which I did, too, in my anger - small things, luckily).
Anyway. Today is a better day. Lily is going to stay with the mom until Monday or Tuesday, so I'll go party with my brother in Quito tomorrow. Couldn't do that without the mom.
Yay, well, a small silver lining... Enjoy the party
Yes! I mean it's important not to demonize anyone as by definition you remove their humanity! Compassion always. But this is advice that most parents could take on board, right?
I'm sorry man, this is really hard. I'm so glad you've got this forum to process all this... because it can't be easy. Poor Lily. It takes a village to raise a child, so I do hope you have some support and help too.
Thank you for your empathy! You're right, it takes a village - it's better that way. I wrote an article about it a while ago. The argument is: Exposing children to different sets of values makes them better humans afterwards. Being secluded in the same environment all the time makes them more prone to egocentric behavior. That's one of the reasons why I love that I can let Lily play at other places (and have their kids come over) within our community (mostly school). It's something I did as a kid, including sleepovers and everything. But here, it's very uncommon, and people frown on it. No wonder with the rates of abuse and sexual violence. And yes, of course I try to make as sure as possible that won't happen. Still, the fear is always their, and from what she told me, Lily's mom is a victim of sexual child abuse. Which makes her reaction absolutely understandable, but not rational, nor does it justify that she passes her trauma on to Lily.
Not to be flippant about a very serious topic, but there is a certain level of irony that the fear of an event encourages behaviour that might make that event actually harder to detect.... and by that I mean that yes, absolutely, having sleepovers could provide opportunities for abusers, but also by never having sleepovers means that kids never get exposure to other home life environments where they or their friends or other parents can figure out if abuse is happening in the home.
The best way to figure out if your homelife is different/dangerous is to see other people's homelife.
I'm not a parent, so my opinion in this area is truly worthless, but I personally believe that it's better to educate kids, especially on awkward or difficult topics so they can make good decisions rather than trying to protect them forever and always.
Exactly. That's what our psychologist/mediator said as well. Children are incredibly intuitive, they know because they know. Exposing them to as many experiences as possible sharpens that - if controlled. Don't throw them down a cliff to see if they can fly, to be sarcastic. But there is no control at all in life, ever. Learning to listen to our guts is as important as calibrating them, adapting our instincts - through experiences and ratio.
If Lily tells me that she feels weird around someone, be it the nicest person I know, I'll listen. I'll ask questions, just in case, but I won't force her to be around that person, ever.
It's sometimes the opposite, too. For the adults feeling weird. She made an family member feel uncomfortable for a minute because she sat on his lap and snuggled with him while reading a book. He wasn't used to that. We had a long conversation about the whole abuse & sensibility topic afterwards, and it was incredibly insightful for me. There was a time in Germany that the media pushed many cases of child abuse, which caused him to be scared (!) of showing any physical affection towards his daughter in public. Not even a real hug. His daughter was the oldest, so it affected his two sons, too. So, Lily jumping on his lap for him to read Astrid Lindgren to her was very confusing. But he enjoyed it so much, just as she did, because Astrid Lindgren is just the best author of children books ever. And family is very important to her.
Aw, I feel really sad for your friend, and his kids. I have to imagine his daughter will have complex relationships with her Dad and other men, maybe even romantic partners, all because he was tried to do the right thing, but might have been interpreted as embarrassment, shame, lack of love, etc - but people are complex, so who knows?
Two of my friends were telling me today how much they miss having babies in their houses (their kids are in school) and while cuteness is surely a factor, I'm sure enthusiastic and unrestrained affection are a big part too.
Sorry to hear this. I have some idea what that feels like. My parents weren’t married, and since my father had no rights, my mother often used us kids as weapons in her ongoing battle with him.
Well, you turned out to be the personification of perfection, so maybe it's a good thing for Lily?
Even finding humor in this is hard, as I just realized. And I can usually joke about everything. On this topic, it has always a bitter taste. One day...
This was deeply moving, I felt every word, your strength and love for Lily truly shine through, stay strong
Always have, always will. It's good to be able to vent here. Thanks for reading & commenting!
Hold on! What happens now? Do you lose Lily to her mum just like that? I'm guessing by there's no custody or visiting arrangements that gives you as a father much right. How can that be? I'm so sorry that you have to go through all this
Oh, sorry, there's much of a backstory to it. I never had custody. Here in Ecuador, the mom decides. From the beginning, it was very hard to fight for having a relationship with my daughter. Here's a summary:
at 6 months old, the mom took her to Venezuela (where she's from) from one day to the other, without telling me. I didn't see them for 3 months, didn't know where they where, had very little limited contact.
at 18 months old, her mom told me that either I give her the permission to leave the country to live in Colombia with Lily, and I could be around, or she'd disappear and I'd never see her again. I signed, they left, but luckily the COVID thing brought them back.
at 2.5 years old, the mom moved to Vilcabamba, which is a 16h bus ride from here. For 2.5 years, I traveled down there every 4-5 weeks to stay for 7-10 days.
at 4.5 years old, they moved to Cuenca (only 12h bus ride! yey!), and the mom finally noticed that it would be better for Lily to live with me.
The deal is that I take care of every expenses that Lily has, plus I keep paying child support so her mom can visit whenever she wants (she never holds a job for long and never has money).
Lily is living with me for 1 year and a couple of months now. She has developed incredibly in that time frame, psychologically and emotionally, not to talk about that she grows an inch per month, or at least it feels like it. She's very stable, learning great, and overall incredibly happy in our community, with her friends and her school.
As you can see just from the itinerary, her mom is not the most stable person. Besides her moving every 4-6 months (even within Vilcabamba she moves 6 times in 2 years), she has a lot of trauma, fears and other psychological issues that she refuses to address.
So, that's the story. Now, the present. Lily is around, even her mom can't just take her out of school without risking some legal action from my side. And she knows that she can't provide the way I can. But since she's in power, she can use me as a punching bag, to blow of some steam. I can't escape her. Which I understand, and I can take it, it's rather me than Lily - and I have a strong social network that supports me.
The mother will calm down, she always does. But as I write - although I know how it goes, it still hurts, especially when Lily is affected.
Oh, and this is my version, of course. She has a different one, very different. Somewhat delusional in my eyes, but I'm biased. And I'm no angel, especially in the early years I had to figure a lot of things out - but nothing I did merited what she did to me.
Shit! Thats so crazy, and so upsetting for Lily. The unpredictability from her mom must be so difficult to live with, not knowing when she'll suddenly be whisked off from her steady life to god knows where and away from you.
And yes. I'm sure your ex will have a different story and probably how you drove her to all this. Sadly that's something you can't control. Hope things settle down very soon
It always settles eventually. The mom's cycles are predictable, it's always September to December. Not sure yet if it's trauma induced, something that happened to her in those months, or a bipolar disorder. Though, not "yet", most likely I'll never know, nor will she. Just have to get through this, as always. We will. As always.
Is she back yet?
Not yet. Supposedly on Tuesday, it's a long holiday (day if the dead). We'll see what the mom has in mind then, she's still angry. Luckily, the plan to go to Germany with Lily seems to be still place. That would be a real bummer, if the mom sabotaged it.
Congratulations @beelzael! You have completed the following achievement on the Hive blockchain And have been rewarded with New badge(s)
Your next target is to reach 10000 upvotes.
You can view your badges on your board and compare yourself to others in the Ranking
If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word
STOPCheck out our last posts:
Congratulations @beelzael! You received a personal badge!
Wait until the end of Power Up Day to find out the size of your Power-Bee.
May the Hive Power be with you!
You can view your badges on your board and compare yourself to others in the Ranking
Check out our last posts: