I have been talking to a couple of friends in regards to different aspects and perspectives on relationships. What I have come to realize over the years is that pretty much no one is actually completely happy in their relationships, but most are accepting that "perfect" doesn't exist, either in their partner or themselves. However, what is also apparent is that a lot of people don't factor in that between when they met their partner and their relationship now, both of them have changed, including the things they value in and from other people.
Talking with a friend (about many things, not just relationships), I was saying how I often frame situations and decisions through the perspective of investing and ROI now, because it allows me to visualize the situations without getting emotionally invested. It also gives me more of a chance to discover and evaluate what is valuable to me - essentially reviewing my past positions and seeing what has changed.
Quite often, we enter into relationships with someone when we are in a certain period of our lives, for example when we are at university or, after another breakup. Whatever situation we were in, once the new relationship formalizes and evolves, we start to change with it, as do the conditions. This also means that what we valued early on can alter significantly also and much like when a child grows out of playing with certain toys, our preferences change as we grow and experience more of the world.
As I have said since I was a naïve kid about relationships, we either grow together, or grow apart. But it also isn't that simple, because we are able to grow together in some components, and apart in others, with our hierarchy of values affecting what is important to us at the time. We can feel that we are missing out on something in the relationship, because our value system for whatever has raised awareness in the moment that it is what we need and then we might seek that component from other people.
However, because we are highlighting that piece above others, it is like buying a car and suddenly seeing the same model everywhere. It is not necessarily that there are more of them on the road, it is just that our attention is drawn to it. However, we are essentially filtering our view of other cars that are there and when we look at others, we cannot see all of the other gaps they might have, or the components that they possess that would conflict with our other values - we just focus on what is on our mind at the time.
But, another aspect of this is where people don't realize how resistant to change and risk-averse they are, where they fear "blowing up their lives" by making the wrong decision. where sure, they might not be that happy now, but they could also be a lot unhappier. Better the devil you know kind of stuff.
Like it or not, we are largely risk averse by nature, which means we will mitigate risks even if it is going to cost us benefits down the road. But using the investment mindset means being able to consider the alternatives and factor in potential benefits and drawbacks to more effectively evaluate whether it is worth the risk or not. And, it can also help highlight that we have been conditioned to fear uncertainty, even though things are always uncertain anyway.
For many relationships, there is a very strong sunk-cost fallacy in play, where we feel because we have put so much effort in, we should continue to do so, even if we know it isn't heading in the right direction. This also holds us back from stepping outside of conditions and evaluating individual components, which leads to bundling a lot of complexity into a single dichotomy, or small range of options and outcomes, even though there are many more than we can possibly think of.
The other thing that we tend to do is highlight values and desires that might only be valuable for a short period of time in our lives, or could change quite rapidly under the right conditions. This means that we can make decisions about the relationships we have in our lives, like an "all in or out" position in a trade, yet don't consider whether we are making that decision on FUD or fact.
I don't know much about what is right or wrong in relationships, but I think it is up to each of us to work out what is right and wrong for us. However, this isn't set in set in stone, so we have to realize that we are constantly in a state of flux, always changing and evolving, with rises and falls in preference a constant part of our journey. This doesn't mean that we can't be happy with the one person for a lifetime, but it is important to recognize that happiness itself comes and goes, so there are always going to be gaps that both we and our partners will have. Whether we accept the gaps or not is up to us, but we all have them and, we will always have doubts about the future, as will others have doubts about their future with us.
I was looking through a window at a small bowls and vases from a Finnish design company. They were expensive and people highly value them, yet - they are made of glass and are very easy to break. One small chip and they are worthless.
Are our relationships just a chip away?
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
A topic of serious interest Taraz. Please listen to this podcast. Will likely trigger a follow up post. I promise it’s wonderful!
https://www.thisamericanlife.org/291/reunited-and-it-feels-so-good
Thanks for the link :)
It's the Act One that is classic!
People are complicated.
Personalities are complex.
Relationships are complicated.
Love is complicated.
Hate is optional, and the simplest way out.
When couples refuse to accept that relationships come with highs and lows, the easiest of all is to develop hatred for each other. When one is consumed with hate, one cannot deal with any of the complications above.
I do think that marriages can last if people accept the complications above and embrace the challenges, differences, and changes that come with their loved ones.
I can't imagine a marriage to be "healthy" if either party, say two high school sweethearts, remained the same for 40 years and did not evolve. Personal growth is essential, and I'd hope that both parties grow and develop different strengths...
I was gonna mention the changes in cells over seven years, but I saw that in your comment. Yes, I do believe there's some reasoning in that fact?... and with that, do you think that people should have the option to have 7-year marriage licenses?
You are right - most don't seem willing to catch it early and cut the hate out of the relationship and that hatred festers.
I know a couple who have a discussion every few years to see if they are still wanting to continue on for another few. Seems to work for them.
😅 Wow, they sound like pragmatic people 😂
I think we are seeing more of this right now in the world. Or maybe it is just the fact that I am getting older. People are really keen on their political views and stuff like that. I'd be foolish to think longtime friends are going to automatically feel the same way as me about certain topics. You just have to accept it or forfeit years of memories. I prefer the former.
Meet someone who we have 99% in common with - we will hate them for the 1%.
Yeah, pretty much.
I never been in a relationship. Perhaps that is for the best. Less drama in my life. No need to worry about divorce...
nooo!! give it a try!! you are missing out!!!
Until now when I liked some girl and asked them out on a date they were not interested. At this point if something happens in the future that is fine. if not that also is fine.
You are missing out in my opinion. It is not that they are easy, nor feel good all the time, but there is a lot to learn from this life that can't come from other sources.
I think it is rare to find happy relationships today as people have been struggling with many obstacles in the world.
I don't think they can be found, they need to be built. This takes investment and skill, two things that I don't think people are willing to commit to for others.
Values change as do we, over long period of time one normally assesses every seven years apparently.
Make decisions after sleeping on them for awhile, some make fast moves they regret in time to come, others hardly move at all firmly grounded yet feel let down too often.
Most definitely it's an individual call.
!BEER
Seven years is also supposedly when all of the cells in our body are new. I tend to be a slow mover in so many ways, though I tend to think a lot before moving - still make many mistakes! :D
Mistakes realized throughout ones lifetime, never say never, it still happens.
Not only in relationships even in any other thing in life nobody is completely happy, happiness or sadness is temporary which mostly based on current circumstances nobody can stay completely happy for months or years
Everything ends. Some things start again. Feelings come and go like clouds.
100 percent agreed
relationship is like a work, you need to be passion with it or else it will be something like like for money / habbit.And surely a planning , investing viewing etc can be used in relationship too.
It is definitely work. A lot of people are looking to retire from all the work though, so I guess they apply it to relationships too.
Well I think that in relationships it takes a lot of effort, as in all things it is important.
When it comes to feelings, many variables come into play and many things are subjective; as you say, however, nothing is carved in stone and changes and changes must always be followed.
I don't believe in perfection; I love my wife and our life and our relationship are fantastic, like everything but there are ups and downs, there are good days and bad days... I think there is no escaping this.
In general, I also tend to always think in terms of roi eh eh... they are poker heritage that I carry around (for me poker was an investment... for others it was a little game heh heh!); over time, however, I have learned to leave aside the question of roi in some situations (there are rare exceptions, but they exist).
This is the thing. A lot of people these days never get to the point in their relationship where they are willing to compromise, because they are out the door before that happens. Eventually, I think it is a path to loneliness.
The ROI can change depending on what it is. It might be doing something for someone, just to make them smile.
Yes, it's true, and as far as roi is concerned, it can change.
Bravo exact word, compromise, in life it is normal to make compromises especially when it comes to relationships; I think it's right and it's also a way to take care of the relationship and of the other.
Many times I don't even see mine as compromises or sacrifices because when you love the other certain things come so naturally that you perceive them as such; seeing Reny serene and happy makes me happy so I never see something that leads to this goal as a sacrifice.
Helping each other grow is valuable in my opinion. Yes, sometimes it might grow apart, but sharing in that journey of growth is important.
Depends on the material they were made of. The glass ones and the china ones might be a chip away or so but those made of steel or...alcohol...they might last even through the chipstorms.
Alcohol-fuelled relationships nearly always work out!
Based on mutual respect.
!BEER
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Relationships are like investments as we said. When you see one you wish to invest your time into, make sure it is worth it. Because at the end of the day, it's not all day you would enjoy it. It is just commitment that we do saying no matter the situation we would be there.
In relationships, we don't go in for people who promise to come back but the question we will ask is, who stayed not who promised to stay? Just make sure the person you choose to be with chooses you. If they don't, it will be a case where it will look like a forced relationship.
Just find someone who understands and will stay with you even with all your flaws. Life can be beautiful with the people to always stand by you at all times.
Greetings from Ghana my dear friend
The other question to think about is, is our behavior of the kind that deserves someone to stay? Why would they stay if we aren't satisfying their needs and if we are unwilling to satisfy them, why would we want them to stay?
These are wonderful questions. I’m
Now thinking about writing about it 🤔
Chips add character and also tell a story when we are talking about people and not precious designer pieces. Life does change and we have to change along the way or we are not developing and that would be kind of boring. Most marriages either last the 7 years or they are divorced by then so it is a strange one as we just never know how people will change or not.
I wonder since not all get married now, what the real figures of divorce are once you count long-term relationships.
Never thought of that as that is cheating the stats lol. Maybe it is a good thing as the divorce rate was rather high and not being married would possibly make it easier to move on without all the messy stuff.
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BEER.I don't have much experience in this aspect but I think there is no perfect relationship but can be felt for others and you take the other person feeling into consideration more than your own but you also have to be happy doing so
I'd hope not.... I don't know the way I see it is that it adds character to the relationship 'so to speak' for every chip you gain there's a spot that smooths out.
It's a messy situation... However I can say that I didn't find my Betty under bad circumstances... Etc right after a break up. Or at a time in my life where I myself was uncertain about what I want to be doing...
I'd say I found her at the right time... Although I suppose eventually stuff starts unravelling... But as all things do... Maintenence is required with everything in life... It's all about how one perceives it
!LUV
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relationships as a couple and with friends are quite complicated and even more so in these times, many people do not see the real value of having someone stay by your side despite the adversities, of course he or she did not ask you to stay, but that action shows a lot what you feel, another point is also that most people always look for friendships or other types of relationships for convenience, whatever that convenience means, they are there for that simple reason, even unconsciously of it.