Last night, we went and spent a few hours with our neighbors, who we haven't seen nearly all summer, since they have been renovating their summer cottage out in the Finnish archipelago. My wife has known them nearly all her life and are very close, which was one of the benefits of moving to this house - though we don't see them nearly as much as we would if they were my friends. Finns are less social than many cultures.
However, we were catching up with what we have been doing over the break and ended up talking about the various bubbles that we inhabit, as our "view of the world" is so limited. For instance, we were talking about the differences between suburbs in the city and the other wife was saying how bad one suburb is where she works - the same suburb I work in. But, her as a maternity nurse, sees a very different side of the suburb than I do, with my office located in a tech hub.
And then my wife was telling about our train ride back from the zoo last week, and how she realized then how far out of touch she has become in some aspects of life. With tickets on city train instead of an intercity train, there were a lot of drunks and probably a few on something stronger. Not the kinds of people we normally spend a few hours of our time with.
And we are not snobs by any stretch of the imagination, but wellbeing in Finland, like everywhere else in the world, has changed significantly in the last decade, with the wealth gaps spreading, so to the health gaps, education gaps, and culture gaps. While there is a lot of reasons to blame for the changes, at least partly, I ascribe a lot of it to our ability to pick and choose what we consume and what we believe so easily, without there being checks or balances on the quality of the information. But, it is also true that simultaneously, the economy is geared to do exactly this, divide and conquer masses through monopolization of resources.
Our nurse friend brough up how recently she had a student nurse training with her who was a far better nurse than our friend was at the same stage, yet constantly had to prove herself to customers and other colleagues, and any mistake she made was seen as evidence of incompetence, even though other student nurses make similar or worse, and it is brushed aside as training process. The difference is of course, this nurse is black and foreign, and as such, is held to a far higher expected standard of performance. For our friend, this was when she realized that with all her experience, she had been living in a bubble too.
And at this point I brought up something that they hadn't considered earlier. I have known them since my wife and I started dating and now live across the road from them. However, because of this they likely haven't considered the challenge for me to get to this point in life. And, while our life is far from easy and our house is far from perfect, there is some sense of pride (wrong word, can't think of the right word) in getting this far, as it wasn't that long ago that I was struggling so much financially and career-wise, that I didn't know how I was going to survive through days, lets alone through to pay day.
There aren't that many foreigners that have managed to make it this far starting with only a suitcase of unsuitable clothes, even if it has been 20 years now. And, I hope there will be many more to come, because as many have noticed, foreigners tend to work harder as employees, because they have to and they are constantly under the microscope, constantly with the feeling of the nationalistic sword of Damocles hanging over their head.
And this isn't said to say how well I have done, because I haven't, I have been lucky. I was able to build a network of friends who helped me through the early days and made the struggle worth it. I was able to be part of a good family (my ex's) to know that that was something I wanted to build for myself. And I was able to put in the work too, without feeling like a victim, or feeling like I was ever selling out. There is a lot of luck involved with life.
But, we all live in a bubble and while most of the time we focus on the bubbles that make us unaware of those worse off than ourselves, there is the other side of the bubble too. The one where we live in a negative bubble, where we see ourselves as victims and that anyone that is doing better than us, has done so dishonestly, or due to privilege of some kind. This kind of bubble does not rise above, it sinks below.
And I wonder, when we look at each other from our respective bubbles, do we recognize that our view is distorted by our experience and our wild imaginations? Do we understand that while we judge those above us, we are spending our time and energy on something that isn't helping us?
Is it fair?
No. Life is never fair. It isn't fair that some people have to work harder than others for the same result. It isn't fair that opportunity changes depending on where a person is born or to whom. But fair or not, we can only live our experience and if we spend all of our time worrying about what others are doing with their lives, we never live our own. This doesn't mean we can't reflect on or help others, but when thinking about them stops us from being our best, we need to reappraise our approach.
It would be great if all societies and cultures were built in a way that everyone was supported to be their best, but that just isn't the case and is unlikely to ever be the way it is. Humans are probably never going to be that enlightened, because we are petty, which is why arbitrary traits are so important to us, even though they have no bearing on the outcomes that we want.
If we actually want to improve the world, we have to be better tomorrow than we are today and the easiest way to start that journey, is to improve ourselves. And, what we do shouldn't be dictated by proving others wrong, but rather being the best we can be, because we owe it to ourselves, no one else.
If we are doing okay, we shouldn't be apologizing for where we have come from or where we are now, we should be doing the best we can to be the best we can, daily. That way, when we look in the mirror, no matter what others think of us, and no matter our results, we can look into our own eyes and no that we did what we could.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
So, in case you didn't know, I'm a huge idiot and for some reason want to pursue medical school. This is a tall order for any one of any background. I grew up in some very poor circumstances. So much so that moving to the "projects" was an improvement at one point. You know, the place that gets labeled as the hood and shows up on so many different depictions of the disparity of America. Yeah, that was better. To make it more difficult, I'm a high-school dropout. I got a job as a dishwasher when I was around grade 9 to help my mother pay her bills so my brothers wouldn't become homeless again. I jumped on college before I was ready and really messed it up. (Was more worried about where I was going to sleep or eat, than showing up for class.) I figured my chances ended there, but for some reason I just can't let the idea go. So here I am, in middle age ten years (or more) after the fact trying to make it happen.
A friend of mine really encouraged me to do this while we were in paramedic class together. He totally talked me into pursuing it. He's in medical school now, having already done a majority of the coursework, and I'm trying to catch up. Probably 1.5-2 years out from applying. He grew up in a more affluent neighborhood than I. He's also black. He told me medical schools were more lenient in what grades they accept from unrepresented minorities in an effort to create more diversity.
This is kind of messed up on multiple fronts. Imagine being like him, an underrepresented minority and having it hang over your head that you got in under the guise of a diversity effort despite being qualified. That seems insulting to me. On the other side of the coin you have people like me who are assumed to have every advantage but in reality not so much. Even the systems that attempt to make things "fair" aren't all too fair.
What do you think was the major point or catalyst that made you drive for a different path?
Affirmative action hasn't worked and has only muddied the waters for many people. It also creates ridiculous assumptions about repression and privilege. That doesn't happen here, though I am guessing at times some make decisions similar. However, it is far more common to go the other way, where being foreign is a negative.
Catalyst as far as what? If you mean to go back to school, it was being generally unhappy with my current trajectory in life. I saw myself being largely irrelevant, with no happiness drawn from the experience. If you mean catalyst for this particular path it all comes down to giving people second chances. It's easy to be written off on the lower end of the ladder. Sometimes it is undeserving. Sometimes you are put in survival mode and make really poor decisions. Although it's always hard to choose when the options are between bad and worse.
Meritocracy is the aim right?
This.
I feel many are in the same boat, but they haven't got over the hurdle to actually do something about it. They just sit as victims of circumstance.
I suppose. But the start line is so staggered, I am not sure if balance is possible. I also think that merit alone might not be the greatest indicator, as we aren't able to give value to all parts that are important to us, or the community. This is why in a business we value what we can see and count, and normally all the other stuff is discounted.
I took a big risk in that period. The lady was very pregnant with our son and I was like, "by the way, I'm quitting my job and striving for the seemingly impossible or I'll never be happy."
She was pissed.
Today I had a conversation with that friend that I mentioned. I just randomly saw him out and discussed some stuff with him in a restaurant. He was asking about my progress and after I told him how things have been going he said, "you seem to have a home-run case, you just need to get in front of the right people." Just a simple nod of the hat is sometimes enough to be the encouragement you need to get through the other side.
I attribute my success so far to incremental success. I did not have confidence walking into this thing. I didn't even believe I could do it. I set short-term (small), mid-term (average), and long-term goals. The latter were more malleable in the face of dynamic environmental changes (because life throws you curve balls). The short term were more rigid. They all however worked together towards a goal.
After a bunch of little successes I tricked myself into believing that I could do it, because at some point you have to give yourself credit. I don't think this is a miracle. It's just a product of calculated action. I'm not special. Anyone can do this and I try to encourage every one that I can because it's worked so well for me. I'm not religious but there is a line from the bible that I've taken to heart:
"And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted."
Stay humble. Take chances. Work hard. I can't control the variables that make up "fairness" in the minds of many, but I can control how hard I work for it. There's some degree of luck involved, but at a certain point it only plays a minor role. Also, it's hard to get lucky if you never take on risk.
I think geography also plays part. Asia is more thriving because they adjust all cultures. Middle east is not welcoming towards other cultures and it is one of the black holes people are scared to immigrate. I guess cultures are kind of mirror of the "survival of the fittest" in that sense.
It is going to be interesting as the most closed of cultures are also the ones that are likely to suffer the most from an aging population.
I try to remind myself that am not doing so bad and keep striving every single day but sometimes it does get to me...some days it almost always appears like everyone is doing better and for some reason am probably not working hard enough
Yeah, it is a strange feeling, isn't it? And I assume that no matter how we are doing, most of us feel this.
First of all I want to comment you, in all your post and content you always made mentioned of your wife , that you do things together, am not married, but I pray that I have something like that.
Living in the bubble is just the perspective on how we see life individually, just as you say life is not fair, and it can never be fair, but in any way, region, part you find yourself in the world, I think if you can bring out the best in you then the the issue of life been fair or not won't be consider that much.
There is no point in getting married unless working together as partners for better results.
There is no such thing as equal, but there is a thing as potential.
Yes sir, anytime I read your content, how you carry your family is just too real.
Most of the time I see marriages, I will like it better to be single, but you are making it easy and interesting, thank you sir.
When I visit my kids in the city I am rapidly made aware of the bubble I live in here in the woods. Sometimes 2 or 3 days pass without seeing another person, and I am content with the birds and wildlife for entertainment. My own bubble!
It is definitely a bubble. And than consider those people on the other side of the world leaving atop trash heaps....
A bubble they would choose to break. If only I could help.
Sometimes that isn't a bad thing that you don't see them that much. It's a double edged sword moving that close. We almost moved down the road from some friends of ours. We got out bid on the house and now we sometimes wonder if that was a good thing!
It is a double-edge. I kind of get disappointed we don't see them more though, as we always have a good time and interesting conversations when we meet. It would be nice to have them drop by for a glass of wine more often - as it gives me a reason to have a glass :)
But... too familiar can wear thin.
Yeah, I can see that. We moved a little closer to my parents a while ago and now it is pretty rare for people to come visit us. That extra 10 minute drive is just too far I guess. Good thing my wife and I get along well!
Life is never fair but let us hope that it is fair on our sides. Imagine some people worker harder than others just to achieve the same result. The craziest thing is that those who are working extremely hard will be paid stipends and those who do the sitting and signing of papers will get the largest share of the money. Why is it like that. Does that show life is fair? No!
The payment and value of roles depends on many factors. What I have come to acknowledge though, is that the higher ups in business often have responsibilities and pressures I wouldn't want to carry myself, plus experience that I do not have or want :D
Why do they take such people into the public transports? They might be dangerious for other people during the trip. I think they would probably be kicked off from bus/train by other passangers in my country :)
Yeah, I don't know. I guess as long as they are going somewhere else, people don't mind.
I changed more bubbles. A small town and a big city (although what is a big city?) a village. overall my circumstances are pretty depressing !LUV
Depressing circumstances or not, your life is your experience, so try to make the most of it. It doesn't mean success, wealth or an easy Life, but at least it comes with earned self-respect.
Congratulations @tarazkp! You have completed the following achievement on the Hive blockchain And have been rewarded with New badge(s)
You can view your badges on your board and compare yourself to others in the Ranking
If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word
STOPCheck out our last posts:
I think that using the word pride, even if it's always used for deviated purposes, transmit correctly the idea. A healthy pride I would call it.
Seeing backwards and admiring all the efforts, challenges and also results is good. Too often we focus too much on "working, thriving, achieving" and then "working...". Being aware of the efforts and results is healthy because puts you in the scenario of awareness of your resources, skills and also, courage throughout the years/decades.
And I agree on
Improving a little bit every day make us a better person than the day before and so we can improve and grow more and more
We should always be careful specially in this type of case and you won't let come with you.
I think this is the bit I am struggling with so much in my life right now is that I know I could be doing better. I know I have the privilege and ability to achieve more, earn more, and do more with my life. But instead, I've taken the low road, the easy way, choosing pleasure over pain, experiences over sacrifices.
I don't even speak to many of my same-age friends who are married with families now, instead spending most of my time with my partner's age friends (15 years younger) who choose the same habits as us -- going out to the clubs dancing all night, weekend festivals, beach trips, and no family responsibilities.
I'm not saying that I want to get back to my roots, but it sure would have been nice if I kept up more with my "professional" friends who might be able to help me with my employment situation with a few job referrals or a recommendation for the right place. I've definitely made things harder on myself by not putting the work in earlier.
Very relevant to my current situation. I am close to a major change in my life country wise, so of course there's this fear of screwing up because being deported to my current country would be equivalent to be sended straight to hell. My country pretty much went to hell in all aspects, so just like you said, life isn't fair, and all my family had to go slowly from their birthplace.
I believe I have a lot of love and creativity to share. But I wonder, will that be enough to be accepted? Is it even relevant? I guess at least, makes everything else easier.