A month back I listened and wrote about to Born Lucky, written by Leland Vittert, who is autistic. He was trained by his parents from a young child to operate in the regular world, without people making concessions for him. In order to do this, he had to learn skills that come naturally to most people, and set up early warning systems to make him aware of his own outlier behaviours. It wasn't an easy path, but nothing rewarding comes easily.
I am interested in autism, even though I believe that a lot a of the diagnoses made today are not diagnosing autism as much as they are identifying learned autistic traits and attributing it to autism. Similar to ADHD, I think that a lot of our environmental conditioning is changing our brains and behaviours to exhibit traits of a condition, even though the condition itself isn't the cause. But the reason I am more interested in autism now than I was earlier, is because after I had a stroke, my brain changed, as did my behaviours and in some way, I now exhibit some autistic traits, as well as some ADHD traits - but I have neither conditions.
I was reading an article today in the Australian news about how sexual assault is three times more likely for autistic women than others, largely because they are unable to read social cues as well, which means they can "trust" without seeing the red flags. And the fact is, that when people are gullible, there are other people who are going to take advantage of the situation.
And this highlights something that I have been predicting for the last decade or more, where I believe that the more time people spend on screens, the more their social skills decay. And in the case of young people, never get built in the first place. I have written many posts over the years mentioning things like how a lot of teens are unable to look even their peers in the eye, and are always looking over their shoulder for something more interesting. Or how people are only interested in their side of the conversation, failing to listen to the other. Or how the micro-expressions that we would normally learn how to read and navigate through social interaction, aren't being learned at all, because the screen doesn't show or do them justice. Even when real faces are used, the expressions are exaggerated and provided in closeup, but that is not the reality of everyday interaction. So, through environmental conditioning,
People have less ability to tell a genuine person from the disingenuous.
This means that people in general are going to put themselves into situations where they are going to be taken of advantage of in some way, with little chance of picking up on the warning signs. If people remember reading "Flowers for Algernon" at school like me, they will remember that the protagonist, Charlie Gordon, who was mentally disabled at the beginning, didn't realise his "friends" at the bakery were mocking and taking advantage of him. But as he got smarter, he was able to read the situation clearly and recognised they were not his friends at all.
As I see it, if we do not develop the social skills in our childhood and aren't exposed to a wide range of human behaviour, including the people we can't trust, who mean harm, and are looking to take advantage to meet their own desires, we are going to be at a massive disadvantage. While we can blame the perpetrators, they are also acting on their own internal programming, so being their natural selves.
We can't stop people from acting poorly for the most part, at least not before they behave that way, so we have to be able to mitigate the risk by improving our personal defences. Closing ourselves off doesn't save us because we have to interact at some point, so it makes us weaker when are forced into the situations. Which will lead to being taken advantage of, disappointment and suffering, and ultimately more fear created and reasoning why we shouldn't interact with others.
But most people aren't terrible people.
And good people are awesome.
So we have to learn how to effectively and efficiently filter people we interact with so that we are able to be relatively confident in our judgement. This doesn't mean "feeling confident" because everyone who was ever scammed has felt confident that it wasn't a scam, which is how they got scammed. We have to be able to accurately evaluate people through our interactions and recognise that if there is a sense of risk, it might be better to walk away or at least, be very wary.
I am not victim blaming, but people put themselves into some incredibly stupid situations that anyone with even a modicum of wisdom and foresight would not put themselves into. Yet, I think this is happening more and more today with younger folk, because they haven't learned the skills to interact with a wide variety of people. Which is again ironic, since they believe themselves accepting of diversity.
Developing social skills is on the job training.
We can read books on body language and physiological fallacies, but when it comes to skilled application for a situation at the right moment, it takes practice. But if we aren't practicing in the real world like we used to, how are we going to learn? And I think that this is a big factor in a lot of the unnecessary sexual assault and crimes of today, because people have become more extreme in their desires, more self-centred in their fulfilment, and less compassionate, whilst people have also become less skilled socially, less able to read people's intentions and more interested in getting what they want too. It is a set of conditions for some people to take advantage, and others be taken advantage of.
Autistic or not, if we want to live as free individuals, we also have to learn to operate in the conditions we have. Those conditions are not ideal for bringing out the best in ourselves, nor others. So we have to learn how to behave in less than ideal and often quite horrible conditions where there is a lot of potential for harm to ourselves. We can't just expect everyone is going to treat us well, because that is not the reality of the conditions. But if we act as if there is no risk and everyone is trustworthy, when we know that is not the case, we are putting ourselves in unnecessary danger.
We should live in a world where we can wear what we want, walk where we want and trust everyone we ever meet. But we don't. Behaving that way and believing it is up to everyone else to protect me, is inappropriate. Yes, we should protect each other, but we also have to learn how to protect ourselves. And the best way to protect oneself from a bad situation, is to avoid getting into it in the first place.
What do you need to learn?
Taraz
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Autism is very wide spectrum and those of us who are somewhat high functioning or attractive do not get diagnosed. People will say "oh she is just little bit strange" or "artistic" without believing us. What you said about autistic women being abused sexually, it's unfortunate fact as we can't read facial expressions. We do not know who is a safe person and who is not, and there is absolutely nothing we can do to help with that. I have had nothing but mentally abusive relationships in my life and I have been blaming myself for them. Because I should have known better. But how can I know when I do not have the social toolset that most people have? So I have solved this problem by not engaging with men all together. And it's peaceful! I am happy now finally.
Thanks for sharing something so personal.
I understand that many with autism have similar issues due to not having the toolset. What I think though is that a lot of people who don't have autism aren't building that toolset these days either, as the way many love through screens takes away the practice and much of the need. Yet, they still have the need to connect with people. Nothing stops these kinds of people building the toolkit, other than themselves.
I have no idea how old you are, but do you think avoidance is a long-term solution? Or, do you think that on the future there will be better ways for autistics to learn interpersonal skills? Body language is a bit like a maths equation, just with physical variables rather than numerical. I have some autistic friends who once those was recognised, were able to get much better at interacting with people, because they broke it down more like a maths game.
The brain is a funny thing.
I am 40 so I view the the whole relationship ship thing as pointless as it has not bought me anything. I am actually writing about it and the title is "At 40, I Have Stopped Expecting Love" I just don't know if I should publish it only in substack or here aswell as it can be very triggering for men who have not healed and keep using women. Substack is female dominant space.
Yes, I absolutely agree that people who are capable are not improving, but the subject is so complex and again, related to relationship traumas, including not safe space to grow up.
It is sad that you have so much bad experience in relationships. there are many factors involved of course, so it take much more than 1000 or so words to really navigate it, but it is always worth having conversations and discussions around hard topics, because they are what cause us so much issue.
As for love, I am not sure if we should ever expect love, but I also think that we should all love. I feel many people have an expectation where they are loved first and then they will also give love, but I think it is just give love, regardless of the reciprocation. Easier said than done in many instances though. But if we are made to express social love, what happens if we avoid relationships and social intimacy?
When it comes to triggering for men, I don't think people should be tiptoed around due to their opinions. It is the same for all kinds of instances though, which is why I treat people pretty much the same (age appropriately) regardless of their various issues. This includes when it comes to various disabilities or backgrounds. Assuming that because someone is male, female, black, white this, that etc they can't handle certain things, is condescending. It is the same with "offensive" words, where assumptions are made on behalf of entire groups that they are unable to control themselves, so have to be protected from certain sounds.
I offer help where I can, but don't assume everyone needs my help.
Most people just don't know how to hold negative emotions in a healthy way and that is what leads to attacks on internet. Very unfortunate.
The world is so complex, humans are free moral beings, everyone has the right to do what they feel is right and good for them. And sometimes these may not suit our personal preferences. We must learn to live amidst all these facts and still thrive.
Like you rightly stated, most of this social awkwardness are developed from childhood when children are deprived of some of the conditions necessary for their proper social development. Or when they're exposed to conditions that make them live inside their heads, focused only on their own world.
It is becoming more rampant these day and has really become something to be worried about.
I believe the adjustment has to come from both the society at large and then also in the family settings.,
Reduce screen time, expose thees children to real world problems that make them want to ask questions.
Imbibe good morals and teach them to understand the world around them in it's entirety, in its complexities.
Sure, unless they are harming others. And what if they are harming themselves unknowingly - should this be pointed out, or should they just be ignored?
Of course it shouldn't be allowed. That is why intricate to human nature is the understanding and proper interpretation of social interactions, therefore the individual is supposed to know when to abstain, refrain, respond etc.
Just that the most important aspect i.e developing the proper understanding of individual behaviour is what we as a society is neglecting. And it deserves adequate attention, like you're giving to it.
I need to learn how to be better at being less focused on continuous improvement, sometimes better is an enemy of the good...
Having said that my social skills can use some polishing as well...
Yeah, I get you on the improvement as we can't improve everything all the time. Finding a couple key areas to focus on helps.
Your wife keeps your skills honest.
It may seems vulgar, but I think many of us have very light traits of some sort of autism, and by learning more about it, we can understand others and ourselves better.
I don't think it is vulgar. My question is how much of what is considered autism/adhd/ocd etc, is actually just learned through how we live our lives, and how much is part of our genetics.
Well, not even the researchers agreed on this matter. Is hard to tell. The only possible science-y way to sort this out will be to have a dozen or more of identical twins, one with autism one without. And study them the whole life.
I know my wife uses me as an example when she has to talk to parents about ADHD. Just for the fact that I am not medicated but I have learned coping skills over the years.
I think most can learn a lot, but the label becomes an excuse not to.
Well, I've never interacted with people with autism, nor do I know how their behavior is handled. Although it's true that a naive person is prone to being deceived, especially when there's no malice in their mind, like when an older child asks a younger one for lunch or crayons at school, promising to return them later, but that never happens. I heard a saying: "Expect the worst and you'll be right."
Naivety, inexperience and ignorance are all kind of the same, aren't they? I have worked with quite a few people on the spectrum at different levels, and some who have put in the effort have been able to overcome a lot of the challenges, by learning how to cope with them, instead of avoiding facing the challenge.
I know this post is not just about autism but rather, it is about social interactions.
We all know that humans are social animals, socialism is in one the fabric of our formation so when someone lacks that part of their formation, it plays out in the way react to the world and to their environment.
It is impossible to have a perfect environment at all times. I'm life things can't always go your way, people won't always behave how you want them to, hence the need to learn adaptability and social interactions. We should be able to understand people and know their intentions just by being around or even reading the kind of energy they give off from afar.
And I think that life is not nearly as rich when we do not interact healthily with other people. Avoidance is a solution, but is it one that leads to a better quality of life?
Social skills are incredibly important but people don't give it the attention it needs. I think social skills and ability to read people is best developed by someone who has lived in a precarious environment and has learnt how to spot the predators and people with ill intentions. Practice is indeed the best way.
One way to do it is to learn to recognize patterns. For example, you see people manifesting certain cues and later they try to hurt you, when you see same cues in people who you are just meeting you'll naturally be on the alert and try to protect yourself.
That's why when interacting with people we ought to pay close attention to their behaviors and micro behaviors so we can catch patterns that are consistent with people who want to hurt us or with those are well-meaning.
And this is what some autistic people could do relatively well, if they saw the patterns in the same way they see the patterns in numbers. An autistic doctor can still read signals in a persons body behaviours, so it is more a matter of putting in the effort to truly recognise and understand the patterns as clusters. It isn't easy though.
If autistic children are given the right opportunities and are supported, they can also grow up well and become competent. But to be honest, in our societies, autistic children are often neglected and are subjected to various forms of abuse. But it is sad that an Australian article has been published where autistic children are three times more likely to be sexually abused. This shows how inhuman we are and our conscience is at an extremely low level.
I think the biggest abuse is not helping them learn, and instead saying they are incapable to learn.
It's fascinating that you brought up learned characteristics of autism. Our upbringing has a greater influence on our behavior than we may realize. Due to overstimulation and a lack of social interaction, many people today display behaviors that resemble disorders like autism or ADHD. Knowing this enables us to treat people with greater empathy rather than presumption..
Our attention is being eroded by the way and type of content we consume. Our social skills by the lack of diverse interaction we have with people. Perhaps empathy isn't what is needed, but a change in our behaviours is.
The decrease face to face interactions because of technology has significant effects. I think it is important that we should build environments where social skills can develop.
Yet we are going in the opposite direction.
It's true that our personal exposure and experiences are paramount to our Safety. We can't affects the decisions being made by others but we can brace ourselves by raising our discernment skills and this is through social intelligence. Interacting with the world around us makes that possible.
Discernment has been replaced by desire.
This really sheds light on something many people overlook and I agree with you. I mean social awareness isn’t something optional it is a must as it is a form of protection. With the rampant use of technology and longer screen time now, it’s true that many are losing the ability to read people and situations accurately. Specially the younger generations who are more vulnerable to this risks. We might wish for a world where everyone has good intention. But since that isn’t reality learning how to navigate social cues and assess risk is something we owe to ourselves.
If we know we should learn, but don't make a decent attempt, who is to blame?
That's on point. Everything boils down to each ones effort to be intentional to do what is supposed to be done.
No truer words have been said. social skills aren’t optional anymore. Televisions are replacing real interaction, people lose the ability to read intentions, cues, or danger. Especially in this age where the media has created a false alternate reality, one different from the real world experience. Developing social awareness early is a protection skill, not just a personality trait.
Everyone wants to be independent, and expect other people to protect them.
We can learn to take care of ourselves without feeling guilty, and be assertive with family members without being aggressive.
We just need to learn how to interact well.
That's right Mr Tarazkp, without losing love and respect for ourselves
The more one interact with different people the more you know behavior differs and this goes a long way and helps you identify and filter the wrong energy.
The problem is, we are interacting less and less from childhood, meaning that we aren't even in the habit of being social as children. That is pretty sick.
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STOPI find it really hard sometimes to assimilate information and then speak, which is normal I guess but some people would really put you in that context intentionally and then make you feel "less" and then they would be sweet-charmer talker to come up with something good. It's not in a good way, with a subtle digging that has no purpose in entire plot. May be Adhd or autistic, or something else it's sad that "honesty", and "truth" are what more seen in "shown" world , than in existence.
Slowly, protecting yourself is first priority , but whom is real and whom isn't is so high in this busy isolated world, that gets you hards to differentiate...but one should keep understanding that there could be bigger to what someone offering, and what you are paying...
sorry.. what were u saying? i got distracted.
oh yea.. filters, cues, situational awareness.. yes, we all need to work on those, i think.
i find that as I get older (and wiser?), I just sometimes drift off to my own thoughts and tune out when life is doing something that's not so important or interesting to me..
Thanks