After a little bit of premature emailation from a leader, my morning started very early putting out a few fires caused by releasing a training course 24 hours too early. Not the end of the world as it was an internal release, but people tend to take these things seriously. A couple hours before the email went out early, I had been designated the person responsible for the course while my supervisor went on holiday. My fault or not, that is what people will remember.
Great.
Oh well.
What I did get to have today is a great conversation with a colleague I don't talk to often, but find very interesting, as they are incredibly intelligent and knowledgeable in their area, yet at the same time, have many eccentricities. I figure that while there is a clinical diagnosis point somewhere, we are all on the spectrum of everything, and depending on circumstances, our quirks are muted or enhanced.
But it is not about their personality per se that was interesting about the conversation, it was that they recently went through a health scare, where after a concussion, they thought they were going to be permanently mentally impaired.
This is something I do know about.
While they are fine now, this isn't the interesting part of the conversation either, it is just the catalyst for their realization of something that I have been talking about for a long time, and people think I am crazy. Now, this person is a young millennial around thirty years of age, and the last time we had spoken, they were happy with the way they were living their life, unattached to a committed relationship, low-obligation, free to do as they please.
Living their best life.
But the interesting thing about whether people enjoy that life or not, depends on whether it is going well or not. However, when they were injured, they weren't able to do anything much for a few weeks, including watching screens. And then what they noticed is that for the maybe the first time in their life, they were able to hear the voices in their head, they were able to have the space to think.
And it got dark.
For some background information, one of the scariest things for a person is losing that sense of self, that identity. This is especially true today where people have been conditioned to be hypersensitive to who they are, and can even choose who they are, just by saying it aloud that they are that thing. And, while a person can be severely hurt if they were to lose a limb, our sense of self is held in our thoughts, and a brain injury changes the way we think, meaning that "who I remember being" doesn't recognize "who I am now". This is amplified even further when a person relies on their brain for their purpose, their income, their sense of skill.
So, when they were sitting in their apartment alone, they started to spiral. They considered what the injury will mean if they don't recover, they worried about their job capabilities and security, they wondered how it would impact on their lifestyle, and after a few other painful events over the last three years, it just mounted up and the feeling of "why bother" set up shop.
Why do anything if it is all going to go to shit anyway?
And while this is interesting too, this is not what interested me in the conversation. What was interesting was that while they were sitting in that space alone with their thoughts, they realized that they were lonely. There was no one to help them deal with the physical incapacity, there was no one to sit with them and listen, and there was no one to say, "snap out of it".
There was no social network.
I mentioned to them that I see that life goes in waves of ups and downs, and while "bad things happen in threes" might be more a wives' tale, life works in patterns. When one piece breaks, it has a knock-on effect upon other parts, and they are likely to break too. Then, the more pressure that is applied, the more parts get pressured and there are more breaks, setting up for a chain reaction of breakage. This can work in the upward direction also.
But, this spiral is made more difficult when there is no social network to spread some of the load, whether physically, cognitively or emotionally. And, as I mentioned, I think that this is part of the reason we are seeing so much mental health problems in society now, as people have become isolated, which means that while they focus on pleasing themselves for higher highs, they also have deeper dips, with no one to lend a hand to help them out - yet they expect to be helped.
Feel they are entitled to be saved.
What this person realized while the funk was clearing from their brain, was that they have aimed to have a good life for themselves, but that is only possible when things are good, which will inevitably not always be the case. So, when things are grim, they want to be able to have people around, but of course, quality relationships don't work that way, you can't have that selfish up time, and then after ignoring those people, demand support in the down times.
So many are sunny weather people, but are still expecting to be looked after when the rains come, but it is a two way street, it requires work on both sides, and the willingness to support others when they are in a dip too. It means building a social network for reality, not a social network to share fantasies.
As said, it was an interesting conversation, because this person had to hit a pretty rough patch to reach their understanding, and still, they are only just scratching the surface and beginning to contemplate what this means going forward. The earlier we realize that we need others, the greater the chance we have to build a community of value. Everyone is looking for a place to belong - few are willing to build a home.
Quirks.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
I don't know as though I have ever felt that kind of despair. I am guessing because I have always had people around. Probably the lowest I have been lately was a couple of weeks ago when our dog passed. That hit me even harder than going through cancer. My niece has been through concussion protocol a couple of times and I know how much it impacted her. I think a lot of that was just the idea that she couldn't play the sports she loved. Not the overall direction of her life. I get what you are saying here though. With that screen time off the table many of these people don't have any real connection to get them through times like this.
I'm sorry to hear about your dog Bozz, that is so rough. Losing a loved pet is honestly one of the hardest things because they are around all the time, so when they're not it obviously impacts you every day.
Thanks! We have been good most the week, but yesterday was rough, my wife had her first day home alone without her and I had to work at a clients house that had two dogs. We were both crying by the time I got home.
I'm sure. I'm sure you know it will get easier over time, but never quite disappear completely... which I think is fair because she obviously brought you both so much joy during your time together. Dogs really are the best of us.
For this person, they were saying that after three weeks, they were still struggling. Ended up having to have all the MRIs to check for other issues. It was over two months before they were feeling somewhat normal, but still 5 months later, not 100% - I am not sure how hard they hit their head.
Spending time alone should be part of all of our lives, just to hear what our head is saying, without the distractions of the world to drown it out.
Will you get another dog?
We lost ours a few years ago now, and my wife and daughter want one - but I am not quite ready for it.
Yes, that does sounds quite severe then. They must have really taken a whack! We had always thought we would get another dog someday after we do some traveling and other things that weren't possible with Jovi. After suffering this heartbreak, I'm not sure that is still on the table. This has absolutely destroyed both of us more than we thought it would, and I am not sure if there would ever be room in our hearts for another one.
I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here... who is better positioned to choose who I am than me? What sort of example are you thinking of here?
I do feel like this is a larger societal issue rather than a personal one. For most of (non-nomadic) human history people lived in multigenerational homes and villages - people worked together for the good of the village/family, and supported each other.
Now we do jobs that are far removed from the benefit of the work (ie, we're not eating the food we grew ourselves), we're working long hours, we all live isolated (immediate family wasn't always so isolated), we travel in individual metal boxes everywhere, etc etc. This isn't about individuals choosing to isolate themselves, we've created a system that isolates people because that's how they're most productive... until they're not, and then just replace them.
Even the fact that boarding houses have essentially been outlawed has significantly reduced community, I'm sure if younger people had the option to live in boarding houses, then your colleague would have had people constantly checking up on them and helping where possible.
You can choose who you are through the way you behave, but saying you are something doesn't make it so.
Oh, I completely agree. Individuals can choose to reshape their localized/ close community, yet most will not, because they think that it is too much work. The modern economy is aligned for profit, not humanity. Like you said about jobs removed from the benefits, businesses also sell products that are removed from community and health.
My colleague realized that if they want to be "okay" in the next down cycle, they have to do something now that they are pulling out of one now. They have the plateau and the up to change their social profile.
We could do better in this world for humans, but no one is going to do it for us.
Oh, I see... like telling people that you're humble doesn't actually make you humble? Or saying you're an expert in Finance?
Or just don't know how to... or are exhausted from just trying to make ends meet week to week.
I do think that 100ish years ago, most of the time community would find you purely because of where you lived... people lived together and hang out in the town square, etc. Yes, there are more screens, but I do think that is because people are trying to recreate those social areas like Town Halls and Town Squares that just aren't available anymore.
Building community around you is so hard these days (if you don't have access to a sauna).
Ah, the doom and gloom spiral. Some of us live in that space at all times, believe nothing will ever get better. Many of those seem to develop terrible, fatal illnesses, and thereby create their own doom and gloom reality. I wonder if your colleague actually has those thought running through his head at most times, even the good ones, but when he's busy he doesn't notice them as much. Sounds like this guy has recovered.
While I would hate having no one to come to my aid, and fortunately have quite a few people who both would and have, I believe that the best "cure" for loneliness is to enjoy your own company. Was this guy out and about a lot, hardly ever alone even though not is a relationship? Having a place like Hive would help, I think.
The snafu at work is something you've talked about before, and recently. Maybe this would be a good time to give a little toot on your own horn?
This is what I imagine - but they keep themselves busy. However, they did say that normally they are quite positive and optimistic.
Oh for sure! However, I think that this is also impacted by the state of the current conditions. When things are good, people tend to say that they are happy to be alone, but that is probably because their head space is positive too. When things turn though, that darkness arrives.
It might be a good time to toot a little, but I will give it some space first, to see what other fires arise :)
If one wants people around them when things are grim, then they should be with others as well. Being a fair-weather friend doesn't work all the time.
fair-weather friends are never close friends.
Also, some people choose some kinds of friends for some kind of moods which I think isn’t really good. I used to have a friend who neglected every of his friend when he had money to chill with the big boys in town but when he became broke, he came back to his guys.
When everything is rosy, some people will neglect you and go for others but when they need your help, they remember you
As I age, I realize how important it is to grow with people, to experience things together in ways that can be shared later. Lonely people become grumpy old men ;)
There was no social network.
As I read thoroughly about your post, This was the summary of their problem I think. Yes, as my classmate told me, One friend is enough. It takes one friend not to become crazy in this world and that's true. No one is an island. @tarazkp
No one is an island, no one is self-made.
Yes, it's true.
Dear @tarazkp !
I'm curious why you often reveal your wife's physical beauty to the public!😄
I remember Finland being a cold country, so it's surprising how often she wears a bikini!
Is it currently summer weather in Finland?
No, it is cold here. That picture is from Tenerife years ago :)
Oops and downs?
Or
Ups and downs?
Oops.
It is a play on words.
Okay
That guy should be very thankful that they realized what's important to them this early. Some only do so when it's too late. But, I guess people take these experiences differently. I remember when I got Covid while alone. I had all the symptoms except the shortness of breath. I didn't ask help from anyone because I didn't want them getting infected as well. At one point I was thinking if it was my time, but eventually I got better. Nothing really changed with my outlook in life after that.
Right friendship is being there for your friend both in the good times and in the bad times
Life is full of uncertainty, sometimes we need a friend to share things with
!LUV
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