"Any fool can have a child. It's the courage to raise a child that makes you a father."
_Barack Obama
That quote attributed to Obama has been said in many ways by others, but its truth doesn't matter who first penned it. And, it goes for being a parent in general too, not just a father. And the "courage" in the phrase isn't about bravery, but the willingness to be deliberate, intentional, and committed to not only raising the child, but improving oneself to be able to raise the child as best as possible.
There are a lot of fools out there.
Courageous fools even.
Brave enough to raise a child, but still foolish enough to believe that a parent innately knows best and that they themselves do not need to improve in order to provide adequately for their child. For instance, there are a lot of overweight children in the world today, yet it is nearly impossible in the majority of the world to know that this is not healthy for children (or adults) and the outcomes in life are generally going to be negatively affected. Sure, there is the teasing and discrimination aspect, but take all of that away, and the general health outcomes are also negative.
Who is to blame?
Similarly, when it comes down to all kinds of factors in life that would benefit from knowledgeable guidance and support, most parents are deficient in at least some of the areas, whether it be nutrition and food management, education and practice support, or control of screentime and skill development focus. There is no such thing as perfect, but there is such a thing as adequate.
Using the food intake as a clear example, one of my nine-year-old daughter's friends is significantly overweight, and has been for the four years we have known her. As she ages, her weight increases further, with the gap widening between her and my daughter, with my daughter considered a pretty average child, if looking from forty years ago. We saw the girl recently after she had been on holiday for six weeks with her parents in another country, and she had put on another couple of kilos.
The predicted trajectory is clear.
But, it isn't this little girl's fault, because children are children and they all suffer with various types of impulse control. It is up to the parents to not only monitor, but take an active hand in managing their children's habits to improve the outcomes now, and in the future. For food, this includes leading by example, as well as things like gratification and expectation management, and being disappointed and uncomfortable. Few kids want to eat their vegetables, but that doesn't mean parents should not feed them vegetables - no matter how much they complain about the food.
I am a proponent for parents having control over their children's activities, rather than government control. However, I am also realistic and understand that especially today, many parents, if not the majority, are struggling with their own issues, including their own impulse controls, stress management, and addictions to various products. This makes me question if the average parent is really equipped to be the courageous, committed, and intentional guardian for their child.
There are obviously plenty of extremes of poor parenting that illustrate the deficiencies, but the problem is that it doesn't take extremes to create lifelong issues for children. Obesity happens a bit at a time, over an extended period. Generally, so do addictions, and many of the bad habits we have, weren't triggered by a switch that flicked us down the wrong path. This gradual slope into poor outcomes for children, speeds up as they get older, and both the results and the habits needed to change, take longer and more energy to reverse.
It is easier to lose one kilo, than ten kilos.
Unless you are already in good shape.
Childhood habits that progress into adulthood are not only hard to change, they also become part of the identity of the person. A bigger child sees themselves as that bigger person and lives accordingly. It is very hard to reverse an identified mindset, because to do so means "losing who we are" and who we have always known ourselves to be.
Yesterday I wrote about the banning of social media in Australia for minors and while I disagree with it in many ways, I also recognise that many parents are not equipped, nor are they willing to equip themselves to deal with the issues themselves. In many cases, the issues that the children are having are also in the parent, but the parent didn't grow up with a smartphone in their hand from a baby. The children of today have, and it is likely that because of this, the ingrained processes (hard to change) are going to be entrenched processes (very difficult or impossible to change) carried into adulthood.
Parents will of course argue that they are the ones who are best suited to make the decisions for their children, and I believe they should be, but I also believe that many aren't. Just look at the outcomes of children, teens and twenty somethings in todays society and consider what could have been done to mitigate some of the issues they have. Would it be the state, or the parent that is responsible. I believe it should largely be the parent, but that means a lot of parents have fundamentally failed their children.
Is it fair for the child?
Being a child is a difficult position, because it means being reliant on others for nearly everything. It is a guardian's job then to prepare the child for adulthood and to take full responsibility for themselves. But, if a parent is ill-equipped to do this, it means that a child can be conditioned in ways that are detrimental to their adult experience through negligence of the parent.
It is neglect.
Neglect of the responsibility to raise the child adequately and therefore, neglect of the child directly. But, the child is innocent in this, as they have no control over being born, nor what kind of environment they are born into. Yet, come adulthood, they are to pay the price of their upbringing. Or, reap the rewards.
Born with a silver spoon in the mouth.
This phrase indicates being born into a wealthy family that provides material value, but that also implies other privileges that can be made available. However, wealth alone isn't a good indicator of parenting values, or the habits they condition their children, as evidenced in the UAE where one-in-four adults are obese, and forty percent of children are obese.
The silver spoon of childhood should also indicate the type of parenting the child gets, and whether the habits they leave childhood with are beneficial to their future development and quality of life. Again, there is no perfect answer to what is right for each individual at scale, but it should be pretty clear to most people of what is a good enough answer. Yet obviously, many are failing to apply the knowledge. Maybe they don't have the knowledge, or maybe they don't know how to effectively apply it, but it seems that many are failing to make a real-world positive difference on the lives of their children.
We are failing the future.
Children are the future because they are going to make an increasing impact on the future we will live. But if those children have a lot of issues to deal with and a lot of bad habits to get over at the personal level, than they have less personal resources to put into other areas of life, like problem solving global issues, or building a strong, healthy community.
It would be brilliant if being a great parent was innate, but unfortunately, it is not. This means that in order to be even a decent parent, it is going to take paying attention to what is required to be so. It is easier said than done, especially in a world that is designed to steal attention from us for profit.
No one said parenting was easy.
Taraz
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Hmm, this issue actually makes me remember what a friend of mine said yesterday and the role of fathers and the fact that no person see their pain even when they try everything in their power to be available and make sure everything is fine with their family. I heard one of my friends saying he can't kill himself for any child as he can only try his best. Let's imagine a situation whereby the parents are even struggling to make an end meets. As society is dealing with them nonstop. Many of these parents are not raised well themselves as i believe it is actually difficult to give what you don't have.
Someone who doesn't receive love won't be able to do that unless they are deliberate about it. Parent can only try their best and just to make sure to give birth to what they are capable of raising well. When you know you can't be there for your child, don't even bother giving birth at all. This life is difficult to raise a child without any support.
Another thing people say is that if you don't give birth to two to three children, what if something happens to your only child. There is a case of an actress who lost her only son yesterday. He fell in the bathroom and died.
A lot of factors are responsible for the parent failing on their responsibility. I think no sane parents would neglect their wards. Some parent also neglect their ward as they calm no one was there for them so they believe if they could survive definitely their own ward will also survive. This attitude alone is what is causing a lot of issues we are having in society today
There is no easy path for a parent and there is a lot of failure. However, trying your best also includes improving yourself. It isn't all sacrifice for the child, it is growth for the family.
Yep. And this is far, far more the case in your area than in Finland for instance. Here, one is the norm - two is considered a larger family. Strange hey? I come from a family of five kids.
I'm actually pretty lucky I haven't turned out much worse than I am. My dad pretty much hates sports so while I would play outside a lot as a kid, I wasn't as active and disciplined as an athlete would be. My mom had the farm mentality where you cook big hearty meals and always have a dessert hence my sweet tooth. It definitely has an impact, but the slacking off from my 20's to my 40's is definitely my own fault.
Is it though? How much of the slacking (in certain areas) is conditioned from childhood. Are you slack everywhere? Probably not.
Yeah, I think I probably am at times.
We all are at times - but I think there is probably a difference in how often, and for how long :)
Nature abhors a vacuum. Banning social media for kids with inattentive parents is the path to porn. If anything, a child who gets no wisdom at home at least has a chance of finding some on social media. Happily it seems youtube without login will still be available. We'll see how it looks in practice; declaring a thing isn't the same as making it actually happen. Hopefully Hive gets some attention. Nobody to threaten or fine on a decentralised blockchain.
I don't think most do. There is little wisdom where the kids seem to be spending their time, and without guidance, the wisdom they might get is probably missed.
I don't think the ban will work for the most part, I just hope it makes more parents pay some attention.
With a 9 year old the question that our parents never had is when does the phone question come in . If all their friends have one at , say 13 , if you don’t get your child one are they going to be an outcast when all the rest of their friends are texting S so hard to know but I’m not looking forward to it
My daughter has had her phone a couple months now, as she needed one for school travel stuff. She has spent 1 minute on it today, and 3 minutes yesterday. The weekend she spent an hour each day, as she listens to audiobooks sometimes. She has no games, no useless apps. Will be interesting in the future though.
Do you have an app to show you on your phone what she’s up to ? It think that would be the first step.
Yeah. We use Family Link. It is a google product. It also allows me to force approval for app downloads and set time limits and lock some apps after periods of time etc. I haven't set any of that, other than the app approval though. I want to see more how she uses it.
Being a parent is the hardest job I ever had! Wealth is helpful, but also introduces it's own challenges. It is great to be able to send your child to the best private school, and pay for private tutors, but it makes it so that children have everything and motivating them is a huge challenge...
Not sure how much you are into professional sports, but Finland is an ice hockey country. The cost of playing for kids is really high each year, and what that does is severely limit the pool of players whose parents are willing to pay. And then, the kids come from well-off families, so they don't tend to have the same drive to push themselves, especially when they are surrounded by more "toys" to entertain themselves with. What does the future hold for Finnish hockey I wonder.
It's strange, I almost didn't see any fat locals in Dubai. Probably all the fat ones stayed at home, and the slim ones walk around the shopping malls.
You don't see many of them in the hip quarters of Berlin or Hamburg, either. The demographic of obesity is linked to those with low society, plus poverty.
It is possible. But UAE is more than Dubai.
I think that the connection between how parents behave and how kids turn out is important. Many parents don't see how their choices in life can directly influence their children's growth, mostly in a negative way.
Parents are role models, whether they want to be or not.
Parenting certainly is getting more difficult with more information and access to resources available to kids, and I believe, we cannot have all the knowledge or know how effectively to apply them, but still there are some basic lifestyle habits, that must be put into practice - you enforce or encourage or do whatever, that's the responsibility we must take. Over time,they become habits and they will thank us later when they grow up - just my thoughts.
And the basics are not that hard, are they? Sure, people can have differing belief systems, but a healthy diet is simple.
And doing nothing else while eating....
I see classmates who struggle with things like overeating, screen time, or even motivation in school, and it’s true that those habits usually come from the home
Yet, no one is allowed to say anything about the reasons for it - because someone might get offended.
The truth is that people should only have kids when they are ready. I think it's a cycle. Kids raised poorly grow to become parents and also raise their own kids poorly, and the cycle continues to run, destroying the society. A particular generation of parents need to be courageous enough to raise responsible kids who will also raise their own kids responsibly. But the problem is that not all well-raised adults are going to raise their kids well.
Feeling ready and being ready are two different things. Not sure anyone is truly ready before, but those who are willing to learn will tend to do better I believe.
This is supposed to be the way it should be, but sadly a lot of parents are missing it; they think parenting is all about giving their kids everything they need or following trends on social media. There was a video going around on social media in my country last year that a doctor had to speak about. A mother felt her daughter wasn't as chubby as other kids, so she bought some food from an online vendor that would make her grow fat, without asking what the content of the food was. The kid in the video was looking obsessed and sick. I felt like crying when I saw how stupid a mother can be just because she wanted a chubby child. I felt pity for the baby because her mom is already putting her health into jeopardy.
Many parents have forgotten that their decisions have a lot of impact on the child's life.
The cultural norms around body are interesting, because in many cases, they just aren't healthy. People are aiming for a "look" instead of aiming for what is healthy for the individual child, or adult for that matter. There are many types of body types, and each has a healthy point. That is what each of us should be building, not some look ideal - but an ideal body for me us as individuals.
Well, sadly, a lot of people care more about their physical appearance than the state of their health.
yea..n I know I 'owe' many years to my mom who is now old and has beginning of dementia, so I stay with her. It makes her happy to see me and I 'get' to put on her show for her each day.. :P
Dementia is a challenge for those dealing with it. Go with the flow, regardless of what she says :)
Like the quote stated, it takes courage to raise a child. It is true. It is a duty you have to be deliberate about. This is not even about born with a silver spoon. Wealth helps in raising a child but it is not enough. We have seen cases of parent without financial capability doing well in raising their children. I think it's always about intentionality and the part of living a legacy behind for one's offspring.
Some parents themselves are not living so it is not surprising seeing them not raising a child well.
Children do what they see at home, the stage of childhood is very fragile, therefore, one of the most challenging things about raising our children is with a good example, because everything becomes a good or bad lesson, it's about modeling with actions, someone who is still learning, and it's not easy being parents as you say. Today I posted about the everyday life of being a parent, from my experience.
There are two major dangers for children today. The first is tablet and phone addiction, and the second is obesity. Both are entirely due to parents' indulgence in their own comfort. This will cause major problems for them and their children in the future, and they are either unaware of this, unable to foresee it, or simply stupid!
Speaking my mind, you do. Lily just came back after two months with her mom, and has three rather big cavities in her teeth, one being in a permanent teeth. And that after spending quite a bit last year to try to remedy a lack of minerals when the teeth were forming. She will probably have stained teeth for life, not for her choices, but her mom's.
I can't say that out loud, though. I'm just glad that she's living with me now, and I can actually do something about it. I rather swallow those comments and pay than risking upsetting her mom and taking Lily away again. Hence, we're now practicing how to correctly brush teeth again every evening, and how to floss. And we had it down so nicely before she went. It's frustrating.
But I try to be the better of the parents you picture. To give her the right spoon, the one that will server her well and sustainably. So, I put the frustration aside, smile, teach and lead by example. I'm brushing my teeth a lot longer now. And I started flossing again, though I hate it and my teeth are super strong and never needed it. Well...
Very well said..Parenting is apparently still a hot issue in here. When talking of this main topic I am also have a different overview or perspective on this.
To nurture one's child is still a very complicated responsibility.
I think we need to go back to small, tight-knit communities, where good families hold other families accountable, and intervene in the worst-case scenario where the parents of a child get addicted to drugs or go insane. The problem with letting the state get involved is that the "the powers that be" do not genuinely care about the children, and may actually push policies to deliberately harm them.
Good children are those who grow into adults who are able to take care of themselves and add value to society. Good parents are those who raise good children.