Word of warning: this is a post about me sometimes having pretty negative thoughts while working creatively. If you need something lighter today, please skip this post.
There is a lot of darkness inside of me. You read my (hopefully) funny text, see me laugh during our #needleworkmonday video chats, but this is only the surface. When I am alone with my thoughts, they can get really dark. I still miss my father who died two years ago, I still can hardly drive into the neighbor town were my friend lived who also died not long ago. I fear for the health of my loved ones, I often am overwhelmed by all the things I did not do, I did not manage, I failed in.
I fight to be grateful as my mind naturally tends to search for the fly in the ointment. But sometimes I lose this fight. And I wanted to share these feelings with you, because I want to be honest, to be relatable, perhaps even touch someone out there who is also feeling like this and while reading this post is less alone in this muddy see of sadness (and yes… in my case perhaps also self pity).
Today I finally wanted to present you a finished pattern for one of my two knitted cardigans; „wanted“ as in I am not doing it because the patterns are not ready to publish. One of the effects of my bad mood is me getting restless while creating. Suddenly everything seems equally important and unimportant. No longer can I prioritize my work and as all my work is organized by myself, this is pretty bad. Let me give you an example how this looks for me.
I wake up and already have the deadline for an art project in mind, mentally going through some ideas I sketched days before. I start with a bit of sport, have breakfast and by then I am no longer sure which art project I should work on. I phone with my mother to check in on her and instantly feel guilty for not doing more for her as she now lives alone and does not have anybody around her to socialize. After the call I am even more scattered having sad visions of my mother getting sick… and with this my concentration is gone. But as I want to be productive, I change to knitting or sewing which needs less brain power than doing art (for me). I start to knit and then another thought rises to the surface of my mind: I should not knit I should work on publishing the knitting pattern. I immediately put the knitting away and sit down to format and design the pattern only to notice that I do not have photos of the finished cardigan because I never sewed in the yarn-ends.
starting on a sketch, editing a finished digital painting, starting to knit, researching... chaos
With this thought my working on the pattern layout is disrupted and I quit meanwhile feeling worse and worse. Then at the latest I am fully immersed in a cycle of blaming myself of being lazy and unproductive while getting even less productive because of feeling ashamed.
Next step is me, asking myself if there is any worth in anything I do (you can guess the answer I give to myself) and the day is done (metaphorically).
Sometimes I imagine my (critical) mind like a bloodhound who is primed to find the tiniest mistake I make, the tiniest possibility of something bad to happen. A hound who sniffs out only failure never success. A hound who tears down everything with cold and analytical rage and then leaves with everything shredded to pieces.
cardigan with yarn-ends not sewn in and still no layouted pattern
I am writing this because it is Monday and my patterns are still not ready, yarn ends not sewn in. I am fairly sure I have done a lot this week, but right now my mind says „no, you have done nothing“. If I start to argue and list up what I have made my mind counters „this is done badly, your work has no worth, there is no need for your artworks or sweaters, your writing and thoughts“.
I am like this for as long as I can remember. I always pick up the knitting, the artwork, the writing and go on. But it is always a fight with my own darkness.
buttons are not sewn on and the pattern layout and technical editing are still missing
Do you have such feelings and thoughts? How does your negative thoughts look like and how do you break the spell and go on without drowning? I know this is not my „standard“ needlework post, but I felt like sharing this darker things not to scare you away, but to be open about weaknesses to get even closer to you.
Hope you are all well 💗
Thank you @crosheille for initiating and @marblely for hosting the #needleworkmonday and the community builder team @lauramica, @romeskie and @kattycrochet I am so glad to be part of. If you want to see more beautiful projects with yarn, fabric, and most of all needles, follow @needleworkmonday. Or even better grab your needles and keyboard and join the #needleworkmonday community.
Ohhh, if you don't have a hive account and want to comment then visit my Wordpressblog Bliss and Blisters and write me there.
Read more about my art und upcoming exhibitions on neumannsalva or buy some of my digital artworks on NFT showroom.
Last but not least: if my post coaxed a smile on your face you could support me with cocain coffee on Ko-fi
Yep, the constant struggle : too many ideas, too many possibilities and too many doubts and self-questioning, @neumannsalva.
Personally, I take one day at a time and keep going slowly and trying to 'finish just one thing'. That often results in some feeling of (personal) progress for me.
I enjoy reading your posts and hope that you feel better soon.
🙌
Naturally you are right, but sometimes... sometimes the slow approach is killed instantly from my
bloodhoundmind, telling me that "just one thing" is not enough. I absolutely will do the "one thing" but it is often a fight to appreciate the things done. But I did not want to wallow in self pity, I just thought that perhaps a lot of us have to fight with such thoughts and emotions, that there is more than lovely photos of yarn and needles.Thank you for taking the time to write here ❤️❤️❤️
I love your cardigans. I also understand about the "darkness" as I struggle with clinical depression periodically. In fact, the time change and shorter days always trigger a slide into depression. I have to fight it with sunlight, nutrition, and sometimes a low dose of medication during the winter months. I had a crying spell at the bridal shop this week while hemming a dress--that was my cue to get serious about fighting off the depression before it gets bad. I have been in what I call "the abyss" when I had postpartum depression. I never will let myself get that bad again, now that I recognize the warning signs. I survive with trust in God and in the body and mind He gave me. Praying for you to feel hope and peace. !BBH
Today the sun is shining after a week of rain, mist and grey sky... and I feel a bit lighter. So, perhaps your idea about the seasonal loss of light plays a role. Thank you for sharing your story, that made me aware that the darker months could also play a role (but its not all).
I am glad that you are so fine tuned to your psyche that you notice if you are feeling worse and that you have a functioning tool kit to help yourself in such case. I can hardly imagine how bad postpartum depression must be, with so many expectations of the world for the mother to be happy on the one side and functioning on the other (and not to speak of all the expectations one self has in this moment).
To be honest I fear my grumbling is a kind of character trait. Its not as bad as a real depression, but sometimes I would love to be more carefree and less (self)critical. But who knows, perhaps I eventually learn to reign in my unruly thoughts.
Glad to hear you are having a better day. We also have a sunny day today, so I plan to go outside for a bit to soak up the vitamin D and the joy while it lasts.
Because this is such an awesome post, here is a BBH Tip for you.
. Keep up the fantastic work
Because this is such an awesome post, here is a BBH Tip for you.
. Keep up the fantastic work
I think the same thing happened to me yesterday, I really wanted to do something nice, not only because I wanted to publish for needleworkmonday but also because I want to continue making progress on the things I want to bring to my mother for Christmas, but between my health and my other occupations, there was a moment that I wanted to give up.
I remember that in the middle of the morning I saw the time and I stopped, my thoughts told me: Is it really worth it to continue? I was filled with rage for a moment because in my heart I wanted to do the craft, but my headache told me: Go to bed!
But you know what, I shook it off, took a pain pill, relaxed with music I like, rested for five minutes while the pills took effect and continued.
It is NOT easy, but it is better to rest for a minute, to clear your mind, to know if what you are doing is really necessary and when you want from your heart to do something then your mind and your body will become one to function.
Translated with www.DeepL.com/Translator
I am so sorry to hear that you have health problems, headaches and lost hope. As you can imagine: I feel you. I mostly am like you, trying to stop for a moment to sort feelings and thoughts and do what is necessary. But in other moments... I don't know, perhaps there are too many things coming together and overwhelm me.
Today all is thankfully better. I think the weather plays a role as the sun is out (we really had only grey sky, rain and mist for days) and I managed to finish another painting and a sweater (I hope to write anbout the sweater on Monday, such an unusual pattern).
Thank you so much for sharing your feelings with me. It really helped <3
Wow well said @neumannsalva i must say you've really explained it very well thanks so much for those wise words and all you've said is very true.
Thank you for your constant support. I know you are working a lot and so it means a lot that you are taking time to write.
Dear friend @neumannsalva
We are human, and we always have this kind of fight with our mind, which many times wants to make us feel bad!!! Not all days are good, some are meant to be dark and that's ok, embrace our darkness, accept that it is part of our personality. You are fantastic in everything you do and I find you so much fun!!!! In short it's a mind trap talking to you. Around here they say the mind is either our best friend or our worst enemy. Something about what are we going to feed if the angel or the devil?
Like you at the beginning of the year I was immersed in a very dark situation and constantly thinking about death .... My death! I felt that I was very close to leave this plane. One day, with all the pain I was in, I decided to invite all the demons living inside me to tea, to recognize and accept them... then everything got better little by little.
Translated with www.DeepL.com/Translator (free version)
Oh wow. I nearly had some tears in my eyes, your words really touched me. I know that you are right that darkness must have a part in our lives, but sometimes I find it extremely hard to accept this truth. And you are also right to call my negative thinking a trap. On good days I can clearly see und understand this trap, but on a bad day I blindly run into it. Perhaps I eventually will learn to be aware of this cycle...
But I did not knew you were at such a bad place health wise. I am so sorry. Fearing for ones own life is the worst. I am so glad that you are better today and if you ever want to whine a bit feel free to write me <3 <3
Thank you so much for your encouraging words and for sharing your own story.
Sending a big hug.
hahahahaha @neumannsalva I already know to knock on your door and complain to you... hahahaha complaint department !!!!
You know it's a good therapy, to have a friend to tell our sorrows, sadness and incompressions.... We can form a club hahaha .... A big hug, you can also complain here in this department, you just have to knock on the door jajaja
After reading all of this, with all the care and attention... I can say that I feel less lonely... I never found the right words to describe all the problems and discomfort I feel before I FINALLY sit down to start a project... I never knew how to explain it, I just accept it as a defect, as the accumulation of all my insecurities that lead to many walls to break before I manage to grab the thread and needle (almost reluctantly, although it is supposed to make me happy)...
YOU ARE WONDERFUL, thank you so much for sharing this 🙏 💕
Everything will be fine, live one day at a time, be gentle with yourself 💜
Oh sigh you are right the moments before one starts something new can be the hardest, especially with all the expectations to make something beautiful, something practical, to have fun and and and..
ALthough I am sad you also know all the fears and insecurities I have, I am glad that I am not alone. Thank you for giving me this awesome support and that you shared your own feelings. This means a lot to me.
(By the way I just saw that you also paint!!! Will hop to your profile right now)
the cardigans have been beautiful ❤️
The bad thoughts are recurrent in me, I understand you a little because to do it completely we would have to live in the head of the other and even so it is difficult
At the moment I am going through a very difficult time, I feel that I am not producing enough for my family even though I do not get up from the workplace, the computer and the internet do not want to work and my creativity stops because I have so many worries
My anxiety is eating my head, I work a lot but I don't see the result that I expect and need, it still doesn't start on the day when I open my eyes and I feel tired.
I want to send you a warm hug and tell you that you are not alone, you can feel like I always laugh a lot when I talk to others, but at home I don't usually talk to other people, isolation is a way of life sometimes very complex, by decision I am from that mode for years, but sometimes it weighs a lot
How can we stay constantly happy if we think about what's going on in this world around us... 💚