I went out for a sneaky little shoot today and invited a mate to come with me which he thought was cool because he's not a gun guy and had never been shooting with me.
I had an ulterior motive.
We wandered about and I shot some stuff and then we went to a little spot I know besides a creek, a place that floods in very heavy rain but is usually dry and because there's a natural rise to the low hills there's a fairly tall cliff that's been worn away by many years of flood waters - the perfect place for him to have a shoot.
I'm not much into wasting ammunition, it costs far too much money and because I make my own it's a time thing as well - wasting time isn't my thing at all. But I knew the chap had some things on his mind and I thought him putting some rounds down range for a bit then a sit down for some lunch would maybe open him up a little. It worked.
We sat there shootin' the shit (talking) after he'd put forty or so rounds down range and ate some lunch I'd bought in my back pack and he told me about a few challenges he was dealing with - I don't need to go into them here, let's just say they're fairly momentous.
I didn't solve any of his problems, that's not what he wanted and it's not my place, but I could see as we hiked back to my truck that a weight seemed to have lifted and he said as much (in his own way) and I felt the day had been a success.
Everyone has an opinion these days and people seem incapable of keeping it to themselves even when speaking it is inappropriate, unhelpful or unasked for, especially so as they may not know all the facts or be close enough to the situation to see it clearly and objectively; people are quick to say, "here's what you need to do," instead of just listening, being a sounding board and allowing the other person to peel back the layers in their own time.
Today, I let my friend talk, (in between the sound of rifle fire and the chewing of lunch), and I said little. He appreciated that and i believe through him opening up a few aspects became clearer for him which is what I was hoping.
Do you find yourself offering unsolicited advice, speaking when you should be listening, trying to solve other people's problems when you have no business doing so and other such things? We have two ears and one mouth and there's a lot to be said for using them in that proportion - listening more than we speak.
What are your thoughts on it?
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It happens various times that someone close to me tells me a situation they have read on the news, or from other sources and tell me like "this is wrong, this is dumb, I'd never like this" and my reply is always "you judge without knowing all the details underground"... I don't mind giving advices, because I like to help who deserves some help and most of the times im correct in many things, but I do give them only if I know the other side will at least take note of what I say and give a thought on it, otherwise it's a waste of time and I hate that... I also wait for the full context, wait for the other person to explain everything and eventually ask for more depth, otherwise it's a fallacy advice
It's often difficult to see all the facts and understand the dynamics of a situation especially when hearing only one side of the story which may be biased or being told incorrectly or with a mind to preserve that person's pride or ego. That makes advice difficult and sometimes dangerous to give.
Another problem with unsolicited advice is that if the problems gets worse because of it, that person can point fingers and lay blame which can damage relationships. Solutions are best found and implemented by the person themselves and I think guidance and support can be a better option than, "you should do this...," statements.
Oh yea, I also don't like the "you should do" kind of advice, as you say it's easy to get blamed then and fuck up a relation... On finance things expecially I never ever give any kind of this, that's the most dangerous field even before love
I've seen unsolicited financial advice given that's ended up going very badly for the poor sucker who took the advice; destroyed the relationship between the two people unfortunately. The blame really lays with the person who took and acted on the advice though; they chose that course of action. There's a fine line really, and there's certainly a time for advice (possible options) but it has to be done carefully.
Honestly, it is hard not to sometimes, especially when you see some of the train wrecks people are getting themselves into. But like you said, sometimes they have to peel back the layers themselves to figure it out.
I know I needed space and time, not unsolicited adivce with some of my own mental challenges a while back. Still do. It is an ongoing process. But being given the space and time to do so is important. Usually people can work things out when given time and assistance to peel the onion.
I like to help people reach clarity and awareness through prompts and encouragement, it means that when they make decisions those decisions are their own and more likely to be followed up on than suggestions from others. Of course, there's moments when advice and guidance is required. The trick is know when and with who.
My friends know by now that sometimes, I just want to puke it all out. In most of the cases, they wouldn't know what to say anyway, at this point of my life the stuff I need to get out of my system is usually quite unusual. And they don't dare to say "Everything will be fine." or rubbish like that, either, as they know that I'm allergic to platitudes.
So, they do as I do - sit, listen, and grunt some "Wow" or "what a b***" or things like that. It doesn't take more. And sometimes I actually do ask - what would you do? Just as they do. And no, that is not perfection there, some unsolicited advice slips all our lips from time to time. But we're getting better at it.
Seems like you've got a good bunch there.
I think it's difficult to avoid being given unsolicited advice, but it should be called out when it happens. People think they're doing good, offering great suggestions, but it's so often unhelpful and only done out of ego and hubris.
My conclusion was that people give advice to not feel powerless facing the suffering of another human. Which is ego, I agree, but rarely hubris. Most just don't know how to handle negative emotions correctly, and even worth when it's not their own, but expressed by someone else, so they can't be repressed.
Depends on what they say, though. When it's the platitudes, I'd say it's the incapacity of dealing with it. When it's more elaborate, somewhat thought through advice, it can be more hubris.
Great Post.
Great thing to do 💞
Yeah, the least I could do; gotta help a mate out when possible.
I think taking someone target shooting and talking qualifies as group therapy.
I'll see myself out.
Haha, well it was sort of. Group therapy with guns.
And hopefully small groups on target.
Oh yeah, I was shooting at heads, kangaroo heads, which are small, and he was shooting at some range targets I have, he was shooting inside the eight-ring at 150m so he was happy with that.
I definitely prefer to rubber duck and will proceed to nudging if that's where the conversation heads/they indicate or occasionally explicitly tell me they want help/advice. If I have answers/solutions I will present them if the conversation gets that far but only if I think it's important enough AND the recipient actually wants to hear it no matter how unpalatable to them.
I think I developed doing that mostly because I knew someone at uni ages ago who was so severely mollycoddled as a child they only barely had the skills to be functionally independent, and they knew this and knew it was a problem but apparently didn't attribute their chronic inability to figure out stuff (and while we generally needed computers to do it back then we still had ready access to the internet) to that as well, it was always someone else's fault ("no one told me how to/that I had to [whatever]"). They were complaining about this one time after I expressed some surprise at them not knowing how to do some basic laundry stuff which I then talked them through and the complaint was along the lines of how people think they're "just listening" and no one ever helps them with anything or explains anything which is what they actually need. Then some days or weeks later they were complaining about something else so I offered some pointers and they immediately started complaining about how everyone is always just trying to shove solutions at them and no one ever "just listens".
I had much less patience than I do now and I think I just gave up at some point after that.
Glad your friend pulled up and hope they managed to work out what to do about their problem :)
People are interesting huh? What constitutes "interesting" is up for debate. We're all individuals and have different ways, triggers, opinions and so on and it's sometimes difficult to navigate around or through other people's. We can only do our best.
You mention patience. I have far more in some aspects and far less in others than I've had in the past these days; funny how that happens.
My wife has made it very clear to me over the years she doesn't expect me to fix her problems. It is a slow learning process for me. I've been doing my best! It's especially hard with my ADHD to just keep my mouth shut sometimes.
There's a balance required; one can't just sit there in apathy anymore than provide unsolicited advice. Discovering that balance is important. I've found that phrases like, "tell me more," and, "how did that make you feel," and "what are your options," are good to use and then..."what are you going to do?" Just some basic examples that if used with the right body language can mean a whole lot more than telling someone what they should do.
Yeah, that is a good point. I think letting them come up with a plan is a good way to go. It drives me crazy when my wife is complaining about something and I know there is nothing I can do about it, but I also know she is probably not going to do anything about it either. It's like I know I can't fix it, but you need to at least try!
Putting it back on the person to come up with their options then saying, "now what are you going to do" is powerful. If they're not sure, "what are the pros and cons of each option," is a good path to take.
Good point! Thanks for the tips!