As usual, Proust takes a concept that is unimaginable and describes it with delicacy and awe. On page 156 of Swann's Way:
"The process which had begun in her--and in her a little earlier only than it must come to all of us--was the great renunciation of old age as it prepared for death, wraps itself up in its chrysalis, which may be observed at the end of lives that are at all prolonged, even in old lovers who have lived for one another..."
The narrator's aunt is nearing death in the recent pages. The descriptions are heartrending. I've watched several people die at this point of my life. Some of them knew it was coming and others didn't.
I find myself thinking of death more frequently than most. It's been like that since I was little, so I think it's some sort of disposition I have that others don't. Or maybe I'm just a realist and most people would prefer to think they will live forever.
Reading these pages has reminded me of how impossible it is to truly get inside the head of someone who knows they are going to die soon. Maybe you've had the actual experience only to somehow have survived it (for example, surviving a plane crash).
For the rest of us, we can't imagine. If you think you can imagine it, then you're probably fooling yourself.
The aunt knows she won't be doing any of the things she claims she will do but goes on talking about them anyway.
This rings true to me. Little things like this must keep people sane until the end finally comes. You can't succumb to the despair that is knowing a certain experience is the last time: eating an apple, talking to a particular friend, taking a walk in nature.
To truly know these are the last experiences we're having must be very difficult. How differently I'd behave if I knew that. Instead of cramming food down my throat to get through eating, I'd savor every bite.
The aunt talks as if this isn't happening, though. As Proust puts it: wraps itself up in its chrysalis.
The mind must protect itself from the unimaginable truth that we will no longer be. The sooner this is coming, the more the mind must protect itself.
It's weird to say, but I think people who have experienced this have been blessed. You don't truly know yourself until you are sure you are going to die. I'd never want to experience that, but I also wish I knew how I'd react.
This is self-knowledge that can usually only happen once and very briefly. Will I be courageous or cowardly? Will I deny it or accept it? Will I shut myself off or finally let people in fully? Will I hold on to petty things or realize how little things matter in the grand scheme of things?
Reading these pages in the sauna was almost a spiritual experience. It made me reflect on my life and if I'm living as if I would die or if I'm just existing as if I had infinite time.
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