This is For Me , To My G , to Hopefully Heal SomeThing at all . If You read , Thank You . I Cant Figure Out The Words for Why Right Now , But Damnit This Man Was My World , and my Life 24/7 for 5 Years , Before I Was His Prized Possession for 17 Years . It's Taken me a Year to try and throw These words Together , And it's Because I Could Write a whole Book on this and I still deleted so many things out of this
~ G , I'm so sorry. I've cried 365 days in a row saying that repeatedly. That's how many days it's been since you were taken from me. I haven't been able to figure out which part is killing me, that it was my Fault, or it's Just that, You were taken from me, not on Your own Terms, You were Abused and Neglected by the Nursing Home . Not only Was I a Better Caretaker for you than they were at all, they drugged you up so you would just stay in your room sleeping , abused you, gave you just some random number to call saying it was mine, went God know How long without Bathing you, And I put you there. I left you in a Place I promise for Years, over and over that I would never let anyone put you there. And it ended up being me giving the OK, to leave you in this place that isn't home, with people we don't know or trust. I let you wake up there having no idea where you were or who they were. I let you call me and beg to get you out , I told you we couldn't yet , but soon . Knowing that you wouldn't be coming home to me. But I told you that you were so you would calm down because you trusted me . You always trusted me , no matter how many times you could tell someone else no , as soon as I ask , yes . Because you trusted me . But I left you there alone . Then I Allowed myself to Believe that all the extra Hours of work I was doing was a good excuse to not answer your phone calls or I'd yell at your for bothering me at work . I was apparently so busy , I couldn't talk to you for even 5 minutes. I didn't call you on Christmas. Then on your birthday, Instead of taking time out on YOUR DAY , I wait till later , they say you're in therapy , they will call back but never do , so I didn't get to tell you happy birthday either . I still have all your presents sitting here for you waiting. January 6th 2021 , I get told to Call you bc you said "You Just Want to Hear my Voice" . What do you know, I say I'll call after I get done working . But it was too late by then and because they said you were "sleeping" but it was 7 , you never went to bed that early but still . I never called again . A year ago today , im on my knees next to your bed begging for forgiveness, and I have spent every second since then doing just that . I lied to You , I broke Your trust , I left You . For 17 years , all I remember is you dedicating every second and breath of your life to Me, or spending with me. You went to every practice for every sport , and bought me $15 subway sandwich when it was 5dollar footlong. You couldn't use your fingers but knew I wanted to play catch so you would throw me the ball , and have me roll it back so I could still catch it and run. And I gave up on you because I said I was "tired and couldn't do it anymore" but you did all that , my whole life . Once we lost the car it was that some how you were "too much of a hassle to take places" and I stopped taking us places even tho you would ask to go to the movies or even just get to go to Walmart . You literally just wanted to go to Walmart, and I fucking said no almost every time . Bc I was "tired of it".Bitxhing about having to sleep on the couch for years bc I had to watch over the kitchen. But you had a shitty mattress. Bc I tired of cleaning up after you, but that's all you did for me my whole existence up till that point. Bc I want to be able to live my own life and do shit. But I wouldn't even take you to go do anything. Spent nearly 5 months basically living in Aultman Hospital bc had to put you into a medically induced coma. I thought it was the worst watching you be in that pain amd strapped down to a bed , the strongest man in the world to me.But you lost so much and was put thru so much worse bc of it. I complained about not ever having money to buy shit , you worked so hard for your family for 50 years in a steel factory just for them to Fuck you over and leave you with almost nothing. I didn't know what tired was . I learned what tired was , and haven't had energy since I got the call January 13th 2021 that you were gone . Forever . Your knowledge , smell , touch , and even voice completely gone because they wouldn't let me set up your new phone for you , so your voicemail is gone . You were put thru so pain and I caused it . Spending every day knowing that , that is tired. Trying to live every day knowing that my Dad , Grandpa , best friend , big g , Support , strength, therapist , teacher , my whole life and world , the one person who taught me everything I know , could still be here today . Monkey could still have a Granpa , she misses you so much G . I know you woulda loved the blanket I made for you of her , but now you have it with you forever . I know you would be pissed if you saw me right now but fuck man I need you , more important to know I'm sorry . From day 1 you deserved better . And to never go into that terrible fucking place . I should have given you then time so I knew . But I let you suffer , alone , to nothing . I know this is life, we come and go , you know I know that . You took me to all the funerals or held me after. But every breathe since you got released of the terrible life I put you in , has only gotten harder . I'm having trouble G , im having trouble doing this without you . I went my whole life never being scared bc of you . You prepared me for everything but life without you. I've been terrified of Every second of life since I lost you .I'm sorry , I'm sorry for not loving you like you deserved and giving you everything you deserved . I'm sorry I lied to you . Most importantly I am sorry for leaving you alone and letting someone hurt you , when you trusted me to be your protector, like you did me . Your last breath was alone . And that is the one thing out of all of this , I will never be able to forgive myself for. I'm so fucing sorry grandpa , I'm so sorry
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