Jesus, I have something for you.
Really? What is it?
Come and see for yourself.
Yay! Uh, so what is it?
It's a world.
Uh-huh, a world. What does it do?
It is a multitude of possibilities. What it does will ultimately depend on how you take care of it.
Seriously, dad? You brought me out here to show me a cold dark ball of dirt?
Out of nothingness, I have created limitless possibility. It is a miracle.
Oh hell, dad, you think EVERYTHING you do is a miracle! If it's so miraculous, why can't I even SEE anything!?
Very well, my son. Return to me here tomorrow.
Yeah yeah, 'return to me here tomorrow...' Fine. But it better be good!
The next day...
Holy SHIT, dad, what is THAT!
I have created light, my son, that you may see the world I've created.
It's blinding! I feel like it's burning away my whole being! Is there a way to turn it off?
But, I thought that you...
Just turn it off, dad! How am I supposed to sleep! GOD!
-sigh- Very well my son. I'll...
I'm going to go hang out with the angels for a while.
But, my son, I thought that we would...
GOD DAD, STOP TRYING SO HARD! YOU'RE SUFFOCATING ME!
-sigh-
Several days later...
Is that you, my son?
Oh, hey dad! How you been man, do any 'miracles' lately? -chuckle-
Nothing that would interest you, my child. How have you been?
Oh man, I've been having a blast, dancing with the angels! Lucifer and Gabriel started a competition to see how many could dance on the head of a pin... it was AMAZING!
Uh huh, uh huh, sounds interesting.
Dad, were you even listening to me?
Of course they will, my son, you are my child.
DAAAAD!!!
I'm sorry my son, what were you saying?
Uh, NOTHING. What are you so preoccupied with, anyway?
Well, since you showed no interest in the world I created, I have been tending to it myself.
Oh my GOD, you're still stuck on THAT! What's so interesting about a cold ball of mud?
As I said, my son, it is a multitude of possibilities. Behold, I have separated day and night, and cast forth stars to govern them. I have separated the land and waters, and brought forth sky, that the world may sustain life.
Holy shit, dad, that's actually kinda cool! What are all those things?
They are plants, and animals. I must say my son, even I am surprised at the diversity that has developed.
It's very beautiful. What are you going to do with it now?
Well my son, since you were not interested, and I do not have time, I was going to create beings in our image to tend this new world.
Wow, that sounds awesome! Can I see them when you're done?
Of course, my child. They should be completed tomorrow.
The next day...
So my son, what do you think?
I have to say, dad, this is really impressive! What's with the two different body styles, though?
They do not live eternally, as we do. In this way, they are able to procreate.
Wow dad, that seems a little... dirty... for a clean sheets guy like you! They look like fun, can we go and talk to them?
They are frail, my child. They cannot bear to see us in our true form. To go among them, you must be born to one of them.
What does that mean?
It means that your soul will be placed in one of their frail bodies, and you will be pushed from the sexual organs of one of the females until...
SEXUAL organs!? I'm in. Send me now.
But, my son, I'm not sure that you fully understand...
I understand pussy. Well, maybe I don't understand it, but since you said 'sexual', I haven't been able to think of anything else. Send me. Send me now.
Are you sure, my son? Have you thought...
Oh god dammit, dad, can't you ever do anything for me just because I want it? Does EVERYTHING have to be a lesson with you!?
Very well my son, farewell. Pray if you should need me.
God, you're so full of yourself... 'pray if you should need me...' what a narcissist. Just leave me alone, and try not to embarrass me for a while. I think this is going to be fun, if YOU don't screw it up.
POOF!
...and with that, Jesus is gone.
That oughta teach the little shit a lesson. Finally, I can get some rest...
Needless to say, but I'll say it anyway, this was a comedy post. Please do not take this to heart, or seriously at all, and please, PLEASE don't come to my house with an angry mob of witch burners. Try to remember that this post, like all things, was God's will.
If you laughed at that, I'll see you in hell. I'll be headlining at the open-smog amphitheater near the lake of fire. I've been working on a 200 year long set of all new material, and I think it's really going to kill. I'm trying to get Netflix to pick it up as a special, but they keep telling me they have no plans to set up a studio in hell. HBO is already there, but I haven't gotten enough of a following to get their attention yet. If any of you know any deceased producers with HBO, please put in a good word for me.
Oh, that picture? I can hardly believe you even noticed! That's a Christmas cactus, showing off its full sexuality, while bathed in light. It seemed appropriate :D
@atheistrepublic, I'd love to know what you think of this!
HAHAHAHA!!! This had me reeling! Well done! :)
Thanks, I was hoping one or two people might like it. I know I couldn't stop laughing while I was writing it! I've had a request to do one for Muhammed as well... I'm thinking I'd like to make a series of these.
I’ll be standing by for that one. Buddha’s probably got what it takes to make the list too :)
It all makes absolute sense now. I'd say do one for Muhammed, but you might get canceled.
Great post as always.
Thanks! This was just sort of an inspired story that came to me while driving the other day, but I would like to take this approach to a few other religious stories. I'll move Muhammed to the top of the list... I'm too much of a nobody to worry about being cancelled.
If this turns out to be a winner, you guys can spread the prize around to the other winners. I kinda feel like I'm milking this to death, and with the OCD support, my post rewards have been almost embarrassingly high.
I will see to it that you don't ever win anything in this community EVER AGAIN!
I am implementing a new to make sure there are new winners every round. Overall, I am just glad I am able to get these posts more support.
😂😂😂😂
I didn't laugh cos it felt like a serious thing until you said, "If you laughed at that, I'll see you in hell" 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Does this mean I'll be in hell? 😳😂😂
I hadn't considered whether or not you could get sent to hell for laughing AFTER the blasphemous part. I'll consult the local prophet, and get back to you. 😁
Hahaha, I'll be waiting. 😆
The prophet said... well, he said a lot of things, and none of them made any sense to me. I'm not really sure he knew I was there. If you're half as sweet as you seem in your posts, Heaven will be sending a recruiter to your house, just to make sure you choose them!
I am 80% as sweet as I seem on my posts. The 20% is my bad self, left to deal with bad folks who always try to make the earth as slippery as an eel.... Lol.
I hope heaven will still consider me 🥺
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