You Don't Know Exactly How I Feel
We’ve all heard it, and maybe even said: “I know exactly how you feel.” It’s a phrase that rolls off the tongue, especially with our closest friends and loved ones. But how true is it, really? Despite our confidence, the science says we might be getting it wrong more often than we think - especially with those we think we know best.
A study published in Journal of Experimental Social Psychology reveals what’s called the closeness-communication bias: the closer we are to someone, the more we overestimate how well we understand and communicate with them. In several experiments, people were actually more likely to make communication errors with friends and spouses than with strangers. The reason? When we talk to strangers, we work harder to check our assumptions and clarify our meaning. But with friends, we let our guard down, assuming shared perspective—and that’s exactly when misunderstandings sneak in.
Bottom line:
Closeness doesn’t grant you mind-reading powers. In fact, it might be doing the opposite—making you less accurate at reading between the lines.
"I Know Exactly How You Feel" Problem
Saying “I know exactly how you feel” often comes from a place of empathy, but genuine understanding is usually more complicated. Research shows that even our best attempts at perspective-taking such as imagining ourselves in someone else’s shoes is frequently flawed. Our experiences, histories, and personalities shape how we process events. Well-meaning attempts at empathy can unintentionally minimize or misinterpret what someone else is actually going through.
Empathy isn’t about perfect mind-reading; it’s about being present and open to another person’s unique perspective.
When people assume they fully understand a loved one’s experience, they may stop asking questions or listening deeply. This can lead to missed opportunities for true connection and support.
Try instead:
- Asking open-ended questions like “What has this been like for you?”
- Inviting real dialogue with “How are you feeling right now?”
Common Empathy Mistakes
Even with the best intentions, it’s easy to stumble when trying to empathize. Here are a few common pitfalls:
- Projection:
Assuming others feel or think the same as you do. This can block us from understanding another person’s unique perspective (Psychology Today). - Comparison:
Drawing parallels to your own life can make others feel dismissed or minimized (Harvard Business Review). - “One-Upping”:
Responding to someone’s pain by sharing something bigger from your own life shifts the focus away from them. - Jumping to Solutions:
Rushing to offer advice before someone feels heard can backfire (Greater Good Magazine). - Assuming Understanding Without Asking:
Skipping the important step of listening and asking questions, and using shortcuts like “I know exactly how you feel.”
Recognizing these missteps helps us become better listeners and more genuine supporters, meeting people where they are, not where we assume them to be.
Practical Tips for Everyday Communication
Building better connections is about small, consistent habits. Try these tips:
- Listen Without Interrupting:
Give your full attention, resisting the urge to jump in (MindTools). - Ask Open-Ended Questions:
Encourage deeper sharing (“Can you tell me more about that?”) (Greater Good Magazine). - Check Your Understanding:
Repeat back what you’ve heard: “So what I’m hearing is…” (Verywell Mind). - Validate Feelings:
Use phrases like “That sounds tough” or “I can see why you’d feel that way” (Harvard Business Review). - Be Aware of Body Language:
Eye contact, nodding, and open posture matter (Psychology Today). - Avoid Unsolicited Advice:
Ask, “Would you like my thoughts or do you just need to vent?” - Express Appreciation:
Thank people for sharing: “I appreciate you trusting me with this.”
Why This Matters
Real understanding is the foundation of strong, lasting relationships.
When we genuinely listen and strive to understand others without assuming or projecting, we build trust and emotional safety. People are far more likely to open up, collaborate, and support one another when they feel truly heard.
- Authentic empathy leads to higher relationship satisfaction and better conflict resolution (Greater Good Magazine).
- In workplaces, good communication increases productivity and well-being (Harvard Business Review).
Misunderstandings and assumptions (especially with those closest to us) can erode trust and leave people feeling unseen or alone. But listening, checking our assumptions, and validating each other’s experiences creates a culture of openness and respect.
In a world that encourages quick responses and surface-level connection, slowing down to truly understand is a small act with a big impact.
Takeaway:
Next time you’re tempted to say “I know exactly how you feel,” pause. Listen. Ask questions. Let understanding grow in the space between your words, and theirs.
If this post resonated with you or sparked new insights, share your thoughts or pass it along to someone who might need it today.
#Kindness, #CWH, #Empathy, #Communication, #Relationships, #EmotionalIntelligence, #PersonalGrowth, #MentalHealth, #SelfAwareness, #Wellbeing
Edited with assistance of Google Gemini
Huh... I thought I was a good listener, but after reading your post, I will have to tweak some of my reactions and communication style... Like Melinda, I agree with all that you shared, and some actions are hard to apply in the "right" moments...
Your post reminded me of a dialogue with one Hivian where I did use something similar to: "I Know Exactly How You Feel"... I didn't know, as we perceive events differently, so for the next time, I'm avoiding that saying! 😃
Thanks for sharing!
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Thank you so much for selecting my project as the pick of the day—wow, I’m truly grateful. Every time a post receives a comment, it feels like winning a huge prize and gaining validation. Most importantly, it means so much that someone actually read what I wrote and found value in it. You mentioned this on your podcast in the Discord server yesterday. I look forward to learning more about the project, listening to more of your podcasts, and getting to know you better in CWH as well.
This is fantastic! We can all use a reminder! Love this.
Thank You Artemis, I am glad it resonated. Often people mean really well, but can come across as uncaring, especially when someone is struggling. I appreciate your comment my friend.
I'm excited to be here again:
@happy080/kindness-is-not-beans-still
Thank you very much for the clarification and insight. The statement "I know exactly how you feel" is a common statement.
It is very true that one can not and will never understand how deep the other person is actually feeling, so trying to label your own trauma to the other person, is just yet another big problem entirely.
The best thing is to just sincerely listen and ask how the person is actually feeling at the moment.
I usually say that statement initially but now I know better.
This is really enlightening. I especially appreciate the "common empathy mistakes." There's no one listed there that has a lesser importance than the other; the five points are all unique and peculiar in there own way.
Thanks alot @gregscloud for this timely information and thank you @Inkind community for making this possible.
I am just wondering, Is there any particular topics or concerns to talk or post about, I would really like to participate more often here.
I am really curious right now?🧐🤨
Cheers 🥂 friends in the @inkind community.
Keep sharing the love🫶🥰
My warm regards😊👋
“The best thing is to just sincerely listen and ask how the person is actually feeling at the moment.”
Yes, indeed. Oftentimes, people just need to say how they are feeling and be able to feel heard—really heard.
“I especially appreciate the ‘common empathy mistakes.’”
I am glad that you found value in them. We are all guilty of not truly listening at times, even when we try and pay attention to it. We are human, right?
“I am just wondering, are there any particular topics or concerns to talk or post about? I would really like to participate more often here.”
I have not been on Hive for a while, and I am just coming back on. I would love to get the community more active. I would love to see any kind of posts that are kindness-related or promote good mental health—people sharing kind acts they have witnessed or even done. Not for self-recognition, but more because someone may see something and think it’s a good idea—something they hadn’t thought of but would like to do or try.
The community is just Kindness, by the way, and I always use the tag #Kindness.
It is very nice to make your acquaintance, and I look forward to interacting more. 🙂
Thanks a lot @gregscloud, So happy to actually know you are back now on hive.
Thanks for the clarifications. I would like to grow with this community and learn yet further on how to improve and create kind content and gestures here.
I hope to post soon.
Stay happy 😄
Stay healthy 🥑
Stay safe 🔐
Awesome, I look forward to seeing your contribution. Have a great week ahead my friend.
Thank you so much. Have a splendid day ahead.
Great article Greg! This definitely needs to get out there because lots of people (starting with me!) need to hear/read this. I don’t know exactly how you feel, but I hope it’s at least a little proud of this amazing piece.
Every bit of this is so important....and often really difficult to do.
Yes, it is quite challenging and can go against our natural inclination. I think we are often taught to listen to respond and not hear, a lot of importance is put on time and instant responses that it is hard to truly listen to hear. I think people genuinely think they are helping but may not be! Thank you so much for the comment.
You are right. We are taught to listen to respond.
I have a friend who is the best listener. I'm in awe of her and everyone from toddlers to surly teens to lonely old people loves her. She has been a good example for me to try to follow.
That is great, we could all use a good friend like that.
That's why there are times that it's hard to share what we feel. They'll say they understand but definitely not. However, learning about empathy is a good step to make other people that we're ready to listen.
It definitely makes sharing difficult. Even though we often want or need to share or confide when we're struggling, we sometimes choose not to because of how people may have responded in the past. Thankfully, empathy and active listening are skills that can be learned, at least by those who want to. I appreciate your comment.
Listening, and really listening isnso underestimated by a lot of people.
Thoae are some good tips you provided there.
You never can compare two situations. I've even had it the other way around. A friend of mine list a relative and stated that I for me it was worse because I lost my mother at a young age. You can't compare grief.
Cool that I found this community by the way!
Thank you for reading! I admit that I sometimes struggle with truly listening as well. We want to empathize with others and respond in a way that shows we understand, but we can sometimes miss what the person is actually saying. I have a friend who often says, "I know exactly how you feel."
Many times, I haven't even finished sharing my thoughts or explaining why I am struggling. This response shifts the focus to them and makes the conversation about their experience, whether they intend it or not.
I'm sorry that you lost your mom at an early age. I lost my mom when I was 18, and it was devastating for mel. Thank you for your input, and I hope you have a great day, my friend.
Me too. Who doesn't? Usually when I'm doing other stuff and my kids (teenagers) hop in I don't want to break my concentration. But having a conversation with teenagers can be scarce, so I'd better stop what I'm doing and listen to them.
I would almost say that I know how you feel in this case because I was 17 when my mom died. People shouldn't die young. At 17 or 18 your still a kid and have so many things in life you need to share. I hope you found a way to give it a place...
For me it was more a relief. My mom was sick for three years (cancer) and was in a lot of pain in the end. We actually were glad that her pain ended. But the time after that is hard... I did form me to who I am now. I learned a lot from that period.
Have a great day too mate!
I was 18 when my mom passed away and she was only 54. That’s really not old at all. I’m now 57, so I’ve already outlived her. She had cancer that started in her breast and spread very fast. I’m the youngest of five children (and was always considered the black sheep), everyone knew she was dying except for me. Maybe they thought they were protecting me, but I took it very hard, and I think that’s probably when my depression really started.
The day before she died, I went to visit her in the hospital, and she made me promise to come back the next day and bring her some orange juice. I promised and that’s what I planned to do. But the next day, my oldest brother asked me to go fishing with him. I told him I needed to take Mom her orange juice, but he persuaded me to go with him instead. When we were getting the boat ready, he realized he’d forgotten the ship-to-shore radio and went home to get it while I waited. When he came back, his wife was with him, which struck me as odd. He looked at me and said, “There’s no easy way to say this, Mom’s dead.” I broke down sobbing. He persuaded me to go fishing anyway; I didn’t want to, but I went along. I ended up spending the whole trip in the cabin crying.
For many years, and even now, from time to time, I still feel immense guilt for not bringing her that orange juice. Sorry for rambling on. You are not alone in your feelings. Thanks for listening, and it’s nice to make your acquaintance. Hope you have a good weekend, my friend.
It must be strange to outlive your mother. My mother was 47 and I'm 45 now. My oldest daughter turns 17 this year, which is the age I had when I lost my mother.
Kids of that age can't oversee all the things they do. They are still just kids, like you were back then although at 18 you're called an adult already.
I think you shouldn't feel guilty and I think your mother would have thought (or thinks) the same. But I also understand that this is hard for you to accept.
I hope it doesn't bother you too much and you have more good memories of your mom.
Thank you so much. I have mostly forgiven myself, but you know how there are moments when we start replaying memories in our minds—things we've done or haven't done, ways we may have hurt others, or wrongs we've committed. Sometimes, during those times, I remind myself that not visiting her was trauma speaking, and thankfully, I've mostly moved past it, except for when I start feeling depressed. I have a wonderful "family" in my Creative Work Hour friends, and I still have many good memories of her. I guess I was a mama’s boy, lol!
Forty-seven is such a young age for your mom to have passed away, and I am truly sorry you lost her when you were so young.
Good to hear you have peace with it (at leat, most of the times).
47 is way too young, but luckily I was old enough to have memories of her. Not everyone an say that.
Have a great Sunday.
a community encouraging first-hand content, and each individual living their best life.
This is gold... pure gold! 💛
My warm greetings to the friends in the @inkindness community, and of course the amazing @gregscloud.
Here's my humble experience, I hope you'll enjoy it😊:
@happy080/the-smile-that-changed-a
Today, I want to share yet another experience of mine here with my friends in the @inkind community. Always happy to be here.
I hope you'll enjoy it.
@happy080/the-day-a-stranger-paid