It all does my head in!
Well, my brains at least.
There are just so many moving parts in life at the moment, spread across multiple disciplines, time zones and social sets, all demanding and clamoring for time and attention. I am not sure how long I will be able to hold it all together before I make some kind of fatal mistake that will cost me dearly.
It is a bit like driving drunk - through the Swiss Alps.
I should get a secretary. But my wife won't even dress up as one for me, and she is a secretary!
She is not - she is a recruitment specialist.
That might have been one of those "grave errors" if she reads this.
But, the chances of that, are low.
Really though, I do feel a little out of sorts as there are a lot of things going on currently, with work very, very busy, my business not busy enough, getting used to the new preschool schedules and communication, investment concerns, economic worries, crypto complexity across multiple points, writing, engaging and of course, juggling family life.
And the kitchen!!
I got a night off from the kitchen though, because last night the tradesman and I worked a bit harder and got all the framing in ready for the electrician to wire the lights and switches. Which reminds me, we still haven't got lights yet. Or a sink. Or a tap.
We have some time until we need them, but not a lot of time to find them and have them delivered, if we must. And damn, sinks, lights and taps are expensive. Not as expensive as the countertops though - they are crazy. They also take a long time to get delivered, even though the factory cutting them is only about 10 kilometers away.
We have an Ikea kitchen and were going to take the stone tops from there, but instead we have chosen to pay slightly more and have them made locally, just because. The price difference was negligible, but they are a family-owned business and it is good to support them, before they all disappear. And, since the kitchen should last until I am mid-60s, the small price difference will be meaningless in the long-run.
But, as you can see, these are the things that catch my mind and have me going off on a tangent constantly. I feel like my head is being pulled by invisible hands in all directions simultaneously, by people who don't have a lot of respect for my neck.
What annoys me the most about this is, prior to the stroke, I would have comfortably been doing this and more, but since - everything takes longer with more effort, and the results aren't as good, which means checking and double-checking things that I would have "first pass" completed. Other than those who have followed along here, most people have very little idea how much extra energy everything is taking now and my physical and mental stamina "isn't what it used to be" unfortunately.
To get what I need to do done, I am working a few more hours a day than I would have needed earlier. And while some will (perhaps wisely) say, relax a bit, I don't feel I have the opportunity, as I can feel the clock ticking on my productivity, regardless what I do. It isn't really about burning out as much as getting frustrated at my own incompetence. I am relatively reflective on my own experiences and, I don't like what is looking back at me.
Again, as I was talking about perspective today in another post, this might just be mu view and the people around me don't notice much change at all, but "my view" is all that really matters in my experience. No one else can be me, I can't be anyone else. Even if I change my view of myself to better match my new "abilities", I would go in having to accept that I will never meet my own standards again, which is hard to swallow without feeling the pain that comes with it.
Perhaps one day, all the stars will align and all the things I have done up until that point will pay off and I can drop the extra work, spend more time on the things that are important to me for what they are, not the money involved and just, not have to worry about whether bills are able to be paid.
That seems like a pipe dream.
But I guess, much of the good results that happen in life seem like dreams until they are a reality. Until then though, it is just one of those situations where it is put the head down and nose to the grindstone to keep on going, just in case it doesn't happen after all.
What is good to acknowledge though is, in the history of the world and at any given point in time, there are people who would likely be happy in this situation, given their own current circumstances. Sure, they don't really know what it is like, but that is always the case from the outside looking in - the inside temperature is unknown.
I am glad about being able to continue on doing any of this though really, as if the stroke had gone differently, I could be dead or in the worst case, a vegetable sitting in the corner, unable to do anything other than drool and be a burden. And I reckon that is part of the reason I keep on keeping on, because I don't want to be a burden on anyone, ever - especially not my family. This way, I am still producing and covering my debts.
For now at least.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
I think one thing you will see, as you age, standards change points of importance take a step back and new points arise. Your timing is pretty close I feel to what life changes are going to bring. Soon your focus will shift much more towards smallsteps, (not say she is not a major focus always), but as she grows and real school years start you will have more increased focus on her.
The house will be done in time for that current focus to pass to the past and be memories of what was done right and what could have been better. I would suggest that when it comes time for smallsteps to step into the driver seat, that you let your wife do the teaching, just to be on the safe side stroke wise and heart pounding palpitations. I remember drivers ed pretty well, it was a scary time.
After that your focus will shift again, more toward your wife and plans to retire for both of you and then the trips to collage to visit smallsteps, and the visits she will make to home.
So basically:
View it as training for the coming changes in life, because energy and mental stamina will never be what it use to be. Challenges will always be there, will always need to be conquered, and will always leave you with a lot of very nice memories. The bad memories will still be there but they will be overcome by the good ones.
I think I feel this already, as it is around now that we will start looking at what kinds of activities she might be interested in taking part in.
No - I would like her to be a good and safe driver!!! ;D
It is really important here, based on all of the weather conditions, simlar to where you are.
This i am looking forward to. Not because she is gone, but because that distance makes the relationship the kind where she can choose to come back.
What do you think was the biggest change for you around this time of life (40ishes)?
Unfortunately for me that was the time of life that health things really started to go way way way down hill, beginning of IBS,Thyroid issues, and Diabetes. A lot of things needed to change, like having to sell my motorcycle since I could no longer ride it safely.
It was not all a lot of bad news, I was still able to enjoy life and driving and even a little bit of camping, but it was the time I had to pretty much try to avoid crowds as much as possible. I never wanted to be on the floor in public writhing in pain from stomach issues. Fortunately I have the IBS pretty much under control. Now I just need to keep working on all the other issues.
mmmmmmmmmm you saw the movie "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly", please don't forget it, I recommended it days ago, if tomorrow your brain is disconnected and you can't move anything but your eyes you should talk to your wife so she knows the communication method described there, you don't want to wake up tomorrow prostrate and all your cryptographic work is forgotten and your girl can't take advantage of it.
please we do not know when the brain is going to play a bad trick on us and with so many occupations we are accelerating it so it could happen at any moment, we must be clear to the family about what to do if that happens.
well greetings and happy day and I am sorry you are at lightning speed,
I can't keep up but I always come here to read how your life is going because I almost have a replica of your life, just not as intense but we are at the same level. you only have about 2 years difference.
Greetings and thanks for the review.
Nice to see you here mate!
She will know they will say "kill me, please!"
I have set up people for this already, because that will help her a lot in life. You are right though, communication is key in these hings, but a lot of us don't want to prep for the unfortunate, because we don't like thinking it could happen to us.
Hope you are doing well and I am glad you spent some time to drop by, even at lightning speed :)
Thanks for the answered, AND yes i always read you but the time Is Hard, hope you do not get the Brain dead but Is necesary to be prepares If it Will happened, i have problem with this because my family do not want to learn about cripto AND if my Brain go dead maybe mt investment would be losses.
Well hope your health be good.
Thanks a Lot.
Hi Tarazkp
I think you are being exceptionally hard on yourself. If there is a lot of stuff going on and you feel like you're being overextended, there's a very good chance that you are and perhaps you need to work out which priorities are most important and which can move down the list a bit. You come across as a type A personality who needs the I's dotted and T's crossed at all times, but maybe you need a break try to change your perspective as it doesn't sound like what you are experiencing can be very pleasant.
Remodelling anything in a house is stressful and kitchens even more so, but these projects take time and it sounds like you have it all planned out correctly, it's just the timeline that becomes frustrating.
You are not the only one - but it is the way I work :)
I like to have the Is and Ts dotted and crossed, but I don't like dotting and crossing! :D I am more of a "wing it" personality, but have to take more care and responsibility to get things correct, which is probably the "stress" cause.
And you are right, the kitchen actually is a timeline issue. I was meant to have an extra two weeks of holiday off to prep for it, but was forced to return to work instead, which means renovating at the same time. Had I had those weeks of (as planned and denied by my boss), I would have been able to do all the prep on holiday :)
I'm sorry that you didn't get the time off, that seems like a bit of a dick move by your boss and he clearly isn't doing you any favours.
Winging it with some things works well and sometimes one needs a more structured approach, I personally think that you are being hard on yourself because you had expectations of it being different had your holiday panned out correctly. It sucks when things get jumbled, but the kitchen will get sorted, it will just take time. Don't lose heart, imagine how awesome it's going to be once it's done!
That's why we get older and our hair goes grey in a short and unexpeced time. Also, it seems from here that you work yourself into the ground.
That might trigger another health problem. The timing of kitchen renovation could have been another time at least, if possible.
It might be a catch-22 - doing it all now might trigger a negative outcome, not doing it might mean not being prepared for if a negative outcome happens.
Your post shows that you are very hardworking. This is a very good aspect indeed. A good thing is that you don't want to be a burden. Being burdened by someone is not happy but to me it kills your being inside yourself. Being burdened by someone means losing your own existence.
Yes. I don't care if they are happy for me to be a burden, it kills me to be one at all.
I felt a lot of this 😵
I didn’t have a stroke, my excuse is falling off play equipment and landing on my head and I’m sticking with it 💀
Deep breath everything will be fine?
I think deep breaths help - kind of like getting a colonoscopy :D
Hardwork is the key to success👍👍
indeed.