Ah, good old expectations. So easy to create, so hard to adjust, almost impossible to have them match reality. All those self-help-crook-books seemingly teaching you how to be confident? Most of them just have you create expectations. In yourself, because you're the best. From others, because you tell them you're the best because you think you successfully convinces yourself of that. Spoiler: You're not.
Key to expectation management is being aware of one's self. Yes, weird writing, but it's important. If you're not conscious about it, you are more likely to project your values onto others, instead of seeing them as the other that they are. They're different. If you assimilate them to your self, you'll have the expectations that they're indeed more like you than they really are. Boom, disappointment incoming!
Knowing yourself helps you getting to know others for real.
Ellie and I met as friends. We didn't date. Later, we got drunk once, attraction was there, sex was amazing, but we kept it casual. Until we didn't. But we got to know each other without any intention. No need to hide anything. Gentle discussions about values and ideas as pillow talk. Honest openness.
Being real keeps expectations in line.
It worked like a charm, still does, almost 6 years later. There is no need to hide if the other already knows where you are. Interestingly, one of the things that I talked about with her is that I prefer to have an open relationship. Which is nothing common around here at all, and led to a few discussions (the latter bringing us closer as we got to know each other a little more). She's okay with it under some terms, knowing that it might cause some turmoil, but if anything ever happens - nothing in the last 6 years... -, we'd sort it out somehow.
And I felt fine with it.
As mentioned, though we agreed, I haven't been with another woman since. I think it was more about having the possibility. That if something happens for whatever reason, it won't immediately be the end of everything. An expectation managed and set, rules established. If it really happens to either of us, we're not to blame.
Interruption: I admit that I blamed someone for something I did recently. Lily and I were snuggling on the bed, I was reading to her after lunch, and I launched a terrible gas attack on our noses. As soon as I crept into our nostrils, I shouted disgusted: "Lily! You farted!" She laughed and denied it fiercely, stating that it was me. An then, when my fart had faded, I just heard that sound and her giggling, while shouting: "Dad! You farted!"
Fair play. Her fart was way, way worse though, as to be expected given her eating animal protein.
Blame is an interesting twist in expectations. Most people blame the other for not meeting their expectations, but never themselves when they create those expectations either out of thin air or based on their own self, not the other. It's something I try to pursue vigorously - finding out why I had certain expectations, and if they were called for or not.
Expectations are our own responsibility. Managing them through communication is, too. We can't do anything against a liar or someone who tricks us, artificially changing our expectations. But we can learn from that.
It's not so much about having low or high expectations, but adequate ones. Knowing what and who you're dealing with, and using your experience to adapt yourself to the situation. And take lessons out of every disappointment.
What are your thoughts about this topic? Please feel free to engage in any original way, including dropping links to your posts on similar topics. I'm happy to read (and curate) any quality content that is not created by LLM/AI.
Post written for the #weekend-engagement by @galenkp inviting us to answer selected questions in the Weekend Experiences community each week.
This is my response to:
1/ Do you have a high expectation of people around you and have you been let down because of it? Do you have a low expectation of others to protect yourself against being let down? Explain either way.
3/ Monogamy or polygamy? Do you have thoughts on why one is better or preferable to the other? Explain.
4/ The blame game...have you ever falsely blamed someone for something that was actually your own fault or responsibility? Explain.
Thank you for reading!
Ha it always makes me laugh when people START a relationship by saying 'look, id like for it to be open' just in case.... Obviously your needs are fulfilled which is very cool. I think you reach a point where you realise some sacrifices are worth it as you don't want to hurt the other person!
Us, well, we totally were absolutely in love with each other so much that we just can't be jealous. That made it easy when we accidentally had a threesome and loved it. Then a few of them, and foursomes haha - so much fun. It actually made us even closer - we liked seeing each other with other people! Something about your partner enjoying themselves. We had enough love and trust and commitment to each other there was absolutely no worries at all!!!
Now we can't be bothered - and still enjoy being with each other. It's true what they say, if you're with the right person, you don't need anyone else. But ya gotta work at it and believe in it too.
The absolute gold standard that is never to question at all in Ecuador is officially monogamy. Even the idea of not doing so is outrageous. At the same time, unofficially, everyone is betraying everyone. That was the main reason for me. I don't like those kind of secrets, or feeling like I have to keep something a secret.
In the end, it was as you said. There was no need. And even though she agreed, besides not even having it cross my mind, we're so good as things are that I don't want to get into that these days, either getting hurt or feeling weird. Maybe it'll happen in the future and we'll have to figure it out, who knows.
That's so true. Total hypocrisy. I like that approach - an open marriage or relationship is an honest one, not necessary a sordid one.
I think it's a garden wedding, are those real flowers?
The lesser the expectation the better as it won't hurt that much, too much expectation sometimes leads to depression especially in a relationship
Not real flowers, nor a wedding - in fact, it was for a fashion show. Check out my recent snaps to see more pictures :-)
I agree with the idea of having appropriate expectations. When you know someone a little, this is possible, but if you don't know them very well, it won't matter what you expect, and then there won't be any expectations, or it will be foolish to have them.
Exactly. Gotta get to know someone before creating expectations. If you get ahead of that, you're set for not only disappointment, but it's also sign that you have some things to work on your ego :-D
I already know what the photo is, because I read your post where it was mentioned! So pretty! 😍
It was such an amazing event! Among friends, we had so much fun! and the clothing, oh my, it was just so beautiful. I hope they work through the 1 Terrabyte ( @fotosonics shot in 5k... 😅 ) quickly. I already asked him to put some stuff here on Hive, either through 3speak or peakD. I hope he listens to me...