It's absolutely nuts to think it's been seven years...
Nearly 7 years since this idea first came into being.
7 years since Steemit. It changed everything.
7 years since I was "living my best life in Bali."
7 years since I took the first steps away from that life, (perhaps foolishly) moving out of 'my' villa and planning ahead to return to Canada.
7 years since getting married.
7 years since i truly felt alive and in the joy of life.
the reality of this sorta hit like a ton of bricks to the face when thinking about it yesterday.
how fast time flies. how short life is.
part of me wants to freak out. where the fuck am i gonna be 7 years from now? is it gonna disappear just as fast? what am i gonna have to show for it as turning 47? am i gonna 'waste' as much of it as i did the last 7?
i can take inventory of all the music i've made over these 7 years, how much "progress" in skill & quality of the results of these collaborations with my past-self. but "so what?" for the handful of people who might actually listen to some of it (probably on a shitty phone speaker) and think it's cool for all of 30 seconds, what does any of it matter in the end? maybe my artistic fate is doomed to that of the Tibetan monks, spending months focused in on the finest details of sculpting the most exquisite sand mandalas, only to destroy it.
surely, some part of me is "stuck in the past."
i wish it was as easy as "going back" to the love & enthusiasm i had for life seven years ago, that i could return to Bali and just 'pick up where i left off' - happy, radiant, in love, feeling on top of the world and savoring every moment. "but."
i fear becoming too fucking complacent where i'm at. i fear becoming too content with "how things are" and the lack of drive or motivation to change. as much as i can see the merit of patience to wait for the correct timing to make moves i can't see yet, i fear i'll sink into this comfort zone keeping me buffered from truly living.
"blah, blah, blah," goes the mind, never ceasing overanalyzing and reaching for a sense of understanding & control.
maybe it's just a bunch of cognitive biases at work distorting my perception to downplay all the good that's occurred in the last 7 years. (scratch the "maybe," surely.)
and/or maybe it's not entirely "stuck in" the past, so much as keeping rooted in those aspects of it which will always be part of the foundation of who i am, where i came from, and what does breathe life into me - even if not physically present there at this time. maybe the "problem" isn't one to be "solved" by attempting to force myself to "move on," but honoring, embracing, and integrating every step of the journey.
(or maybe my ego is just trying to sound wise, throwing together some philosophical word salad to compensate for some existential unrest there is no "solution" for other than surrender to it.)
well, at the least... there's a bunch of good music that's come out of this last 7 years.
and while the ego might feel it's never "enough" - especially when still pretty much a "nobody" with an audience that could be counted on both hands - perhaps i oughta just embrace some of the wisdom spoken by the legendary Rick Rubin, something along the lines of "you're successful when put art out into the world."
so... as one of the few who get a glimpse of this art before we're all blown back as stardust into nothingness... enjoy 🍻
Congrats on your blockchain birthday even if it is a bit bittersweet. I think you should be proud of all the stuff you have created on here. I can definitely say there are certain things that have had an impact on me, so that's something I guess :)
man, i like literally can't even process that it's been seven years here. lol.
in a way, you're probably right. yet, i still can't quite shake this sense like, 'what does any of it even matter now that it's all behind? like, am i just gonna be some washed-up hack reliving his glory days... or what is actually going down here & now???' (yeah, therapy is probably not a horrible idea. lol.)
i appreciate you, bro. even if you & Josie are the only two ever providing feedback here anymore, it means alot. 🙏🍻
No worries! I sometimes think about Hive folding and the past six years worth of work amounting to nothing. It was a good hobby though. I could have picked dumber things to do I guess. I say if it made your time on the planet even a little more enjoyable then it was worth it.
Well, sand mandalas are a deliberate practice in detachment.. soo.. xD
In my experience trying to force oneself to 'move on' only ever backfires, so no point torturing oneself. The 'moving on' either happens gradually over some arbitrary length of time or it doesn't.
One thing that I find that DOES help whenever I feel I've ended up uncomfortably 'dependent' on someone else's energy is I reflect back on the time before I even knew them, to remember that it was, in fact, possible to live without them. The positive effects of this exercise get multiplied if I manage to dig up some aspect/hobby/trait of mine that I felt like I had to give up for them that I get to fully reclaim.
That is one heck of a nice energetical pattern to focus on. Don't mind if I add that to the peace and clarity mix. ^^
And it's always, always, always important to create, no matter the audience. You can't possibly know who needs to hear you. Your audience maybe hasn't even incarnated into this 3D yet, what do you know. :D
You're not a "nobody", you're Rok-Motherfucking-Sivante and you GET to show the world what means!
Soo.. Rock on, you're doing great! ^^
~Josie~
Seven years and still counting, grace.