Today
"I don't want to die alone in a Hospice." I ranted to a fellow traveller not too long ago.
How fucking embarrassing.
I've heard Hospice staff are amazing. Angels to the only humans who don't have the privilege or funds to afford private medical care in my country. I've heard it time and time again because I talk to everybody. About everything.
Yet my biggest fear was dying alone in a Hospice until just recently.
And, once again, this wasn't even my own voice echoing through my brain.
I'm into minimalism, humility, equality and respect, you see.
And freedom. Don't feed the fears. *stolen from the internet of amazing things.
"I don't want to die alone in a Hospice."
You may as well add, "Surrounded by the Great Unwashed" and "Let them eat cake."
How fucking embarrassing. #UnconsciousPrejudiceExists
This is not the way I want to walk in the world.
And this isn't who I choose to be in the world either. But, I guess, we all have moments when fear over-rides our common sense. No need to get all hit up about it.
Only human, after all.
Still... after some weeks of getting back onto my feet and, once again, having to walk through some stuff and overcoming yet another fear by doing so....
I've come to the conclusion that I'd be very fortunate to die in a Hospice, instead of some cold, grand, private hospital surrounded by people who don't really give a shit about me because it's all about the money.
More...
I'd rather die somewhere with folks who meet each other's gaze. In community and with empathy. Unlikely to happen in an expensive private hospital or surrounded by my very fearful, very proper once-were-people. Without prejudice... they mostly just aren't very able to deal with the big things in life.
Perhaps it's because they've been cushioned enough to never have to meet or deal with them in person. Kinda silly when we are all going to end up the same.
I couldn't, in fact, think of anything worse than pretending to be okay in my final hours.
Pretending to be okay to avoid embarrassing, or stressing, the fluffy white cupcakes in my society who, mostly, haven't had to accept that they too are only bones and flesh and blood...
messily mortal...
when everything they've bought to try and avoid this is totally stripped away.
No thanks. I'd rather die in a Hospice.
Surrounded by only humans who aren't afraid of being very only human. So that I can be only human too. And comfortably at peace with this in my final hours...
when I must accept in full that I am only human in full to level up gracefully. And peacefully. I want that, please. Fuck knows I've had enough time to figure out what I want when it's "game over" time.
Yes I want to level up at peace with myself and all those around me. With as few apologies to make as possible. And with as little regret as well.
Those final hours when all this "the stage is a world" shit that we waste our precious time on melts into the Great Unknown and I can dive willingly now back into The Void to say "Hey Ho, here we go again."
There's really nothing to be afraid of, you know.
But privilege makes you soft. And it makes you afraid.
And worse...
it makes you less present, less healthy and less alive than even drugs, alcohol and the expensive psychiatric meds, that the more privileged in my society depend on to get through their oh-so-very-busy-and-important days, do.
Always striving for more, more, more.
Always afraid we may have be less, less, less.
Yes. I've been embarrassed about this stupid comment for some time now.
And I'm sorry I said it.
Embarrassed and sorry both.
But this is a good thing.
Because this means I am awake!
This means I am growing again.
And this means I am learning and progressing again.
There is nothing to be embarrassed about when you miss something because of your personal bias, prejudice or privilege, you know. Or because of the pressure to conform with the social constructs around you.
So please don't be ashamed or embarrassed if this happens to you some day.
Or has happened to you in the past.
There's nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about if you "see" it and shift it.
In fact, you should be proud of yourself.
I'd be proud of you.
And I am proud of you!
I'm proud of all of us.
I'm proud of those of us who own our stuff and step up to change what doesn't fit with our principles and values. Who own what may have been our mistakes and who use our new awareness to better things. And maybe ourselves as well.
It's not often you find people who do this, by the way.
Hen's teeth, really.
Really, really.
And when I do find them, I stick with them forever.
No. There's nothing wrong with missing stuff because we're still dreaming a liddle bit. That's the being only human part. But there is something quite marvellously brilliant when you "find the others".
Magical even.
When you find the ones who startle and shake themselves awake. The ones who step back and then step forward again.
And then step up.
This is how we change the world, by the way. One moment at a time. So don't go back to sleep. And please... please...
shake me awake again if when I do!
Yep... it's bound to happen and the nature of being only human. p.s. You're it!
11 September 2023
Hi,
I've been referred to you by Dr [name removed] in [name removed] for a [procedure name removed]. Documents attached.
I'm trying to rebuild after a hectic life challenge and lost my medical aid in the storm. I would need to pay cash or pay off installments, please.
What is the least expensive way of doing this? And can I have a quote for the procedure in full, please.
I've had to use government services for the last while and am not fussy about using a government facility. It's more the time and inconvenience of waiting. And an overwhelmed system. Not ideal.
I think your email form on your website is broken, by the way. I had to find you here to contact you. No email address listed there. Your developer may want to look at that :)
Added for this post: Yes. I try to help everyone with their tech. Annoying, I know. But I really do mean to help!
With thanks,
Nicole
13 September 2023
Well I hope it's not cancer or I may die waiting for you to respond.
Added for this post: It's not a super high risk so don't get all dramatic. I'm feeling better these days though. Can you tell? 😈
How much is an appointment, please?
Kind regards,
Nicole
Followed by a slightly panicked response from the receptionist.
And then nothing further.
This is how private care works in my country and the second time a private doctor in the Overberg has been "too busy" to see me after they've been informed that I don't have medical insurance, by the way.
The first doctor took a patient in the area a few weeks after they said they couldn't help because they are fully booked until the end of 2023. Imagine that?! A doctor who is fully booked for six months.
What are the chances?
Slim, I reckon.
Or none, I reckon, since they took a patient a couple of weeks later, while I was pretty bottomed out and couldn't get to town to see a doctor because no car.
Did someone say Hippocratic Oath?"
p.s. The person I finally got a ride to town with to see a doctor and regain some ground physically said, "You mean "Hypocratic Oath".
Stolen and used as promised as I guffawed in the car - from "Pringle Assist". Find them if you're in the Overberg and need shit done. Because the conversation is also brilliant... if not the best part of the exchange! Feel free to DM me for their contact number.
Know what?
I really don't want to be around sleepyheads in my final hours anyway.
Thanks but no thanks. I'll take my lack of funds for private medical care - they don't want to be stuck with me and feel obliged to treat me if it is serious - elsewhere.
I began this part of my awakening in 2019 and I think I've fully integrated the "got it" now.
People before profit.
I'm unable to respect people who don't do this, these days. And I, thus, no longer feel like "it's me" when they (inevitably) judge and reject me. Logically I can't respect their opinions if I can't respect the way they walk in the world anyway.
I am free. Of other people's opinions
And I can tell you summink! When you really let this go, you're gonna be far happier in oh-so-many-ways.
The end.
Please don't feel all guilty and awkward if you have private medical care. I walked a long, hard road to become this broke/minimal, and this cocky, and it was gruelling!
Also... if you can't afford fancy private medical insurance you tend to step up and get your game on health wise. Seriously though... prevention is better than cure.
Disclaimer: Don't be a fucking sociopath, mmmkay? I mean don't worry about what other people think of you as long as you're not hurting yourself or others, or allowing others to hurt you or be hurt. ❤️
Had to disappear and sort some shit out
Sorted out, but still working on some of stuff.
I've documented the process to share the recovery / how to on Hive.
But slow and steady now...
“Admit it. You aren’t like them. You’re not even close. You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them, watch the same mindless television shows as they do, maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes. But it seems that the more you try to fit in, the more you feel like an outsider, watching the “normal people” as they go about their automatic existences. For every time you say club passwords like “Have a nice day” and “Weather’s awful today, eh?”, you yearn inside to say forbidden things like “Tell me something that makes you cry” or “What do you think deja vu is for?”. Face it, you even want to talk to that girl in the elevator. But what if that girl in the elevator (and the balding man who walks past your cubicle at work) are thinking the same thing? Who knows what you might learn from taking a chance on conversation with a stranger? Everyone carries a piece of the puzzle. Nobody comes into your life by mere coincidence. Trust your instincts. Do the unexpected. Find the others…”
― Timothy Leary
Stop being so fucking afraid.
Go on... call that person.
Forgive them.
Forgive yourself.
Say that I love you already.
Kick that awful habit. Send in that application. Risk being you.
And always, always get up and dance!
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Peaceful Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee
All images are my own. Edited with GIMP.
Hello Dear Sister.
Sorry to hear of your health issue but happy you're improving.
In answer to Timothy Leary's queation, What makes me cry, and just did, is the needless suffering in this world, in large part due to the #medicalmafia puppets of #thepowersthatshouldntbe
i do have a plan to help end suffering though (in this imaginary world in which we appear to live). i can't do it on my own though and so far i have not found people to help bring it to fruition. i realise this is because i still have unintegrated emotions so am not yet vibrating harmoniously enough ti attact them.
Anyway, i have land and buildings available for a holistic healing centre in Bulgaria and knowledge and experience to support and teach people how to reverse dis-ease.
You are welcome.
Con amor
Atma
Haw! <3
Thank you and I would be there like a bear but am tied in here right now. Long story and I'd rather leave it at that.
Busy getting better every day.
And stress makes you sick. Of course. So it's all about balance now and don't worry so much, please.
My biggest hurdle has actually (and always has been and will be) myself. Busy reversing and realigning now :) And you clearly know how this works so on we go :)
Nobody can impact anything unless you allow them to, you know. At some point you gotta stop pointing fingers at exterior circumstances and change yourself, right? Especially if you can't extricate yourself. This health things began years ago and I wasn't educated or strong enough to do what I needed to do.
Now I am.
Actually mostly because of some of the support around here.
So be at peace and keep your doors open. I'll knock on one of them one day carrying cookies from Cape Town.
Sending love and thanks ❤️
Right. To blame is to be lame.
How often do i preach this? Often.
How often when i do it (albeit not blaming a person but an "organisation")? Often.
How often does it trigger someone when i do so? Too often. Once today actually.
i will be more careful in future. i will find a better way to get across my point of view.
Thanks for the re-minder.
Vegan cookies please :-)
:-)
Vegan cookies it is :D
p.s. Just bought some vegan mayo that actually tastes like mayo. Thank heavens and at last!
Well... lots to add here. Of course!
You can't blame an organisation! It's not conscious 😂 This makes me laugh because I still say stupid things like "screw the government" and "f*ck the cops" when I see something online and get triggered.
It's us!
I've come to the conclusion that as individuals rarely we are to blame. Mostly we don't know better yet.
En masse / in groups, however.... holy fuck! We are brutal! So... my conclusion is that it's the group/pack dynamic that causes such havoc and we should address that to better things.
Which means we really need to individuate individuals to the point that they don't fall into the pack mentality - the instinctual drive
Anyway.
Blame never helped anyone recover, skill up or level up! But this is from a personal growth perspective.
And one needs to eradicate trauma (shame) so that individuals can engage and do the personal growth work.
In addition - none of us are innocent! (Rarely)
And ALL of us are responsible. (Honestly) Mostly we aren't guilty though (confusing, I know but this goes to the psychology of the pack thing AND Jung's hypothesis on personal individuation)
Now I imagine you two healthy and happy in Bulgaria, @nickydee and
@atma.love
Oh I do hope so!
But probably a Hive Fest somewhere in between with all of us ;) <3
Hello you! <3
You are beautiful.
I'm sorry that this is happening in your world now. Any interaction with the medical system seems to have become something of a nightmare, and more so on a basic human level than a medical one. I know you'll get through, with your beautiful thoughts and heart unscathed.
Sister, my sister :)
Learning and getting stronger every day. And there are more of us and that always helps one feel less weird and alone! <3
The medical "profession". Ugh. Mostly. Business, business and ego too often. So called "un-healed healers". It is what it is and we find the good ones and work around it. Because there are some.
p.s. I don't think any of us can come through life unscathed. But I happen to think scars are sexy as fuck!
That's a good way (very poetic, also) to put it. I went to my friend's graduation from med school last week, had to swallow a grimace when I saw the "do no harm" bit printed on their caps. Right.
It does <3 Well, I don't mind weird, but alone isn't always so great. Speaking of, man, "Find Your People" really hit me. Thank you for that!
You know, I was actually thinking about that when I wrote the comment, but my fascination for the word won out. you're right. On both counts. ;)
I don't think your comment requires any more commenting than a "Hell yeah, kindred!"
And there are more of us around than you would believe.
He was some guy that Leary fellow. :D
Hey Nicky 👋
I hope that you're doing well.
I read this right before bed last night. It's a sad thought to die alone at a hospice, but it would be nicer to have distant people who care about you, than family who only pretend to do.
The reality of how people without health insurance are neglected is troubling, and sometimes seems like an inhumane act. I hope that things will go in your favour.
Keep looking after yourself 🤗😍
Hello you!
Oh - the money going into the wrong people's pocketses. Always 🙄 Which is why the big fight against Capitalism and the keen interest in Minimalism ;)
It's the corruption. The end.
The flip side is when you have to rely on your own steam you step up and grow faster. Not without some of the support I've had around here. It wouldn't be possible at all. So we focus on the good humans who aren't afraid of the dark. And we keep a respectful distance from the ones who are.
Same as friends and family. All only human.
I'd LOVE to share more about the private healthcare and banks around here. But first health and stability.
See? I've learned some! 😂
Sending love to you always. And thanks for being you and what you do to change the world ❤️
❤️🤗
Where would we be if we never regretted some words that came out of our mouths!
But it is always good to reflect and think on what and why we have said. The people that do that are the good uns :O)
Indeed we are ;)
I need a bigger mouth for all these feet some days.
Tho Alanis would say she recommends sticking your foot in your mouth anytime and to feel free 'bout it. I'd concur and say go right ahead around here.
That's what mouths are made for. Feet sticking!! 🤣🤣
And eating ice-cream and cookies!
😍
I'll leave it here because between you and I this could get messy 😂
Happy days, M
!PIMP the hell outta your vibe
I'm pimpin it! :OD Keep on keepin on chica!
I can't help myself apparently :D
Tis the best way!
You must be killin' it out here!
@nickydee just slapped you with 1.000 PIMP, @meesterboom.
You earned 1.000 PIMP for the strong hand.
They're getting a workout and slapped 1/1 possible people today.
Read about some PIMP Shit or Look for the PIMP District
Wow. This hit me hard. Sometimes perspective is exactly what we need.... But also don't diminish your own fear or devalue your own experience. You are beautiful and worthy. I'm sorry you're having an unimaginably hard time.
!luv
!Hugz
@nickydee, @clairemobey(2/3) sent LUV. | connect | community | HiveWiki | NFT | <>< daily
! help(no space) to get help on Hive. InfoHey you.
Actually it's getting better every day!
But it was a really hard time for some time :D Then I stopped doing what wasn't working and tried something different. If I weren't so stubborn it might have been less of a hard time for less long. See?
I see you're headed to Hive music summink or other. How cooool! 😍
You are such a beautiful person!!💛
Sending you the best wishes, until it turns out for the better!
Hello gorgeous :)
Ah... I had a friend who used to say it'll all turn out okay in the end. And if it's not okay then its not the end.
These days I think this is just life, really. It goes through rough patches. And I have had more of them, maybe, because I've chosen adventure over safety more often.
Still... there are others who are experiencing far worse.
Perspective. Balance. Always.
Thanks for stopping by and always staying connected. You've been so good at that! And sorry I've been less consistent recently. Busy trying to find more consistency, consistently now!
Coming to read of your cycling adventures in the next while. Where in the world are you now, I wonder 🤔 💗
!PIMP
You must be killin' it out here!
@nickydee just slapped you with 1.000 PIMP, @kesityu.fashion.
You earned 1.000 PIMP for the strong hand.
They're getting a workout and slapped 1/1 possible people today.
Read about some PIMP Shit or Look for the PIMP District
Yes:) I like that one too, just a matter of perspective!
...the intense way I guess! Meanwhile I am sure it was all worth it. (or at least that's what I tell myself in most moments)
And don't you worry about the consistency! It comes how it comes, sometimes more or less, in the end we always cross paths again:)
...Turkey😊 Very exciting!!
❤️
Oooooh... now I must come and read you.
We've been in an interesting situation after a major storm out here.
And hey ho - I actually wrote something again at last.
I've always wanted to get to Turkey! ❤️
p.s. that's some ride!
!PIMP
You must be killin' it out here!
@nickydee just slapped you with 1.000 PIMP, @kesityu.fashion.
You earned 1.000 PIMP for the strong hand.
They're getting a workout and slapped 1/1 possible people today.
Read about some PIMP Shit or Look for the PIMP District
Hypocratic, I like that. Glad you gettin a few things sorted at least.
Yep. I thought it pretty apt and good enough to quote as well :D
Not as fast as I'd like to but steps there are indeed...
Happy Sunday, Witty. Always good to connect. Hope you're okay. 🪷
On we go 🍪
This was absolutely great. I love your voice, and the energy that radiates from your words. Now you’ve got me feeling all introspective too, which is cool :)
Oh goody and thanks for stopping by and the positive feedback.
But not too introspective, mmmkay, because life is short and all that good stuff.
So make
haymusic while the sun shines, my friend! Enjoy your day 🍪 :)I’ve definitely gone too far on the introspective side in the past…indeed, balance is key. Actually, I said that just on a feeling, but actually did start getting into The Presence Process sometime after reading your post. This Presence process was shared with me by @atma.love but life got busy and I ended up setting it down before I got really started - but I think your post nudged me towards getting back into it, and although im still early into it, its already been reconnecting me with things I worked on before such as conscious breath and micromeditation (That may not be a real term, its just something I came up with that describes the process).
Anyway, indeed, physical/worldly life definitely has just as much significance as our inward experience, they just have different purposes in a shared mission!
Stay cool my friend!
Hey brother. Happy to hear you're getting into #ThePresenceProcess.
In case you've not got the most up to date version, you can find a link to a pdf here: https://ecency.com/hive-174578/@atma.love/a-recipe-for-health-and
Sat Nam
Hey you :)
Micro-meditation - like it! I think you may be on to something there!
@atma.love is full of good suggestions (and food!).
Your comment just gave me a short story idea. Thank you! For being you! ❤️
HAHAHA!!! For being me, huh? Well, always a pleasure! 🤗