Hey there Ponder Pony (is there a name behind the pony?), I'm glad that you were able to share these thoughts with us. I can tell you that loneliness is something that has, ironically, been plaguing more and more individuals since the advent of social media - or, in other words, antisocial media. It can be used in a good way, and sometimes it is, but in many cases it causes irreparable damage. It's clearly caused you some harm. People themselves have evidently caused you harm for you to feel this way.
Even within your only friend, you can sense the loneliness. I'd like for you to remember that there are many people out there who feel the same way. If all the lonely people got together, would they actually feel lonely anymore? It's a bit of a philosophical question, but the reality lies in the fact that ultimately, you are never truly alone despite the fact that you feel that deep sense of loneliness. There are people out there who understand what you're going through and would want to be amicable with you.
You seem to have a lot on your mind, and the capability of expressing yourself through words. It's a skill that not everyone possesses. It's valuable, and I am certain that with a wider reach, someone out there would be interested in sharing thoughts with you.
In fact, I'd like to do that!
There's an entire community of people around who are interested in exactly that. I founded the FreeCompliments Community to connect the kind people who want to exchange kindness with each other. I think you could use a little bit of that right now.
I'd like for you to remember that this fleeting thought of potentially wanting to kill yourself is a permanent answer to what may be a temporary problem. I understand the reasoning, but I'd like for you to use the same reasoning to say, "let's give this another shot in a different way and see if it works." Let's try out different solutions and see what sticks, even if it takes some effort and practice. I'm sure that, with a little bit of help, you'll find something that will work out for you.
its been an ongoing thought, plaguing me for many years.
its just that, without my rock to keep me grounded ( mother ) i...
i just dont see the point of trying anymore.
sure, a lot of people would be at my funeral, but why would it take my death for people to finally come and see me?
I wonder... what would you rock, your mother, tell you during this time? What wisdom would she impart your way in this situation? One thing I'm sure that she would not tell you is that there is only one way out...
Let her continue being your rock. Think what she would advise.
Yes, I do agree that people have this tendency to congregate over someone (or something) when they're already long gone. It's a last attempt to grab onto something when it's already left. Human nature is quite silly at times, can't deny this.
I think in situations like ours (I also experience a deep sense of loneliness at times), we can't really rely on others to come to us. We have to be the ones who initiate and maintain contacts. There's also a tendency for people to gravitate towards us when we consistently reach out to them (albeit, not to a point of being clingy or needy). If our own efforts are denied, then they're not worth our time. If they reciprocate, then that's the foundation for a friendship.