I am a huge fan of people taking care of their mental health. I realize that for some people, journaling helps them to take care of themselves. Awesome! Self care is not selfish.
But every once in a while I read something and say, "Your solution is right there! You actually have it! You identified the problem. Showed you understand and even mentioned the solution... and then you promptly did nothing." It doesn't make me angry... wait. I need to use "I" statements. When I read these types of journals, I do not feel angry. When I read a complaint or call for help that includes the exact solution to the complaint or problem, I feel frustrated and sad. Actually I probably feel frustrated because I am sad for the person who is suffering. It's kind of like in a scary movie when you want to scream at someone not to go in the dark basement or when someone is heading right for a buzz saw. Look out!
Somehow Yahoo tricked me into reading an article titled, "I told my husband I felt alone and he listed everything he provides—and that’s when it hit me we weren’t even having the same conversation." Damn Algorithm! It somehow knew I love my wife and want to make sure I am not making her feel alone. Wait. "I" statements. That she does not feel alone when I behave certain ways.
Here's a summary of the article: "A woman tells her partner she feels lonely, hoping for emotional connection. He responds by listing everything he provides... house, security, vacation... believing that’s what love looks like. She realizes they’re speaking different “languages”: she’s asking for presence and emotional intimacy, while he equates love with practical provision. Despite his efforts, he can’t give what she truly needs, leaving her feeling unseen and exhausted from trying to explain. Now she’s left questioning whether a relationship without emotional connection is enough, even if everything else is."
I totally get it. She feels alone. She is not getting the emotional support/connection from her husband. She even acknowledges that it is not his fault. He loves her. He cares. He is just ignorant of how she feels. He flat out doesn't understand. He is not doing it on purpose. he is not doing it out of lack of caring. He just doesn't understand. She even perfectly describes the situation. They are speaking different languages. She needs to translate for him.
So freaking translate for him!!!!! I can't believe how frustrated I got reading this article. It seems that the woman got tired of trying to translate her language to his language. And yes he could have also tried to translate her language to his language... but the problem is that he does not freaking understand! How can he translate when he doesn't know what the question is?! She knows. She has the tools to take her feelings and put them into words, pictures, actions that her husband understands. But she is just giving up! I don't know these people but I do know that love takes work. You have to put in time and effort to a relationship... which is ironically what she is complaining about not happening.
maybe there were bigger problems than just this one she related in the article. Maybe this was a symptom of another bigger problem. But she never said that in the article so I need to assume this was THE issue. And if it is the issue, then go to Google and type in "I feel lonely in my relationship with my husband. He does not understand this. I need a list of things I can do to help him to understand this." Wait. I just did. Here's what it said:
That took me 10 seconds to do. Guess the relationship wasn't worth that ten seconds.
Or here's another wild idea... go see a therapist!
Anyway I really do wish the best for this woman and her husband. But I really feel this is a case of...
I know this is a really specific example, but I really feel like it is important for people to learn about love languages and then to learn which ones are theirs as well as their partners. It will save a lot of time and misunderstandings down the road.
Sounds like she has recognised and attempted to implement solutions (trying to translate for him) and he continues to not get it. Hopefully he's just clueless and trying and they figured it out or are at least getting somewhere but worst case scenario he doesn't want to understand in which case there's not a lot else she'd be able to do (see opening meme).
I have previously banged my head against this particular brick wall for maybe a decade or so and it is freaking exhausting. J and I did get there eventually (I say both of us because it took that long for him to accept that he needed to address the problems that he recognised but didn't personally consider problems therefore didn't think anyone else should either and after he adjusted I then had to adjust as I was still being triggered even though the triggers weren't really there anymore).
The similar-but-different battle with Youngest is ongoing and I am so freaking over it, I can see why she is "just giving up" because sometimes I really want to as well but love or something plus I can be unreasonably stubborn.
I find it hard to understand how people who have known each other for years can't speak the language of sincerity and try to resolve any issues in their relationship. But undoubtedly, it also depends on the willingness of both of them to find solutions. One of the things I try to share with my wife is that whenever she feels something, she tells me so she feels heard and pays attention to what she asks of me.
I think women know emotional connection is lacking but tell themselves it will develop over time. It doesn't happen and its hard to discuss without making the other person feel inadequate or devalued. Many avoid emotional connection to avoid being hurt and dont wish to extend that option. It is fustrating and tough to watch for sure.
Sometimes that happens when you're not on the same page. How are you going to solve your problems if you don't talk about them and try to fix them? Besides, how can a husband talk to you like that, listing everything he offers (material things) when maybe all she wants is quality time and her husband's love? For me, that attention is paramount. No matter how many years we've been together, I always write to him and he always replies. No matter how busy he is, he always has that little bit of time to dedicate to me, even if we're not close.
Also, awareness doesn’t always equal clarity. She may recognize the issue but still not know how to communicate it in a way that truly lands. That’s where things like counseling can help not because the solution doesn’t exist, but because sometimes people need help executing it.
Well said.
When people identify their problems and do nothing to solve them, it's incredibly frustrating, especially when we know all they still have to offer but prefer to wait for a miracle that will never come. We must always strive to live better.
There are somethings in our life which we take for granted, conciously or unconciously, doesn't matter. We don't realize their importnace up until the point of losing them or after losing them, IMHO, this is one of the examples of such things.
Relationship between the life partners is highly sensitive matter and, most of us, give it the lowest possible value - this is one of the reasons for the increasing numbers of the separation of life partners even in the most conservative countries around the world.
No therapist, no Google list, just a conversation. That’s where the fix starts.
It's not really uncommon, it's not rare that people divorce as things worsen over time for one of the two but the other isn't aware at all of the issues... A friend of mine got dropped by his gf, she claimed a lot of problems but never told him, an other guy got a "I don't love you anymore" I his face without any sign, from night and day...
I've never been married but I seen this type of thing of thing before, and the problem usual extends to the fact they bought got married for the wrong reasons. They don't realize it until whatever security they found in each other leaves them feeling lonely, maybe not even lonely, but a void where something is missing. Usually it is at that point they will either finally develop the intimacy a relationship requires or they end up going their separate ways.