A Father's Day

in #life3 years ago

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Daddy, Daddy!! Wake up, it's Daddy's day!! Wake up, come on! We've got lots of presents for you!!

The Little Lady and the Little Boom danced around the bed like chimps drunk on milk.

Fuck off you little bastards.

I thought as I tried to burrow deeper under the bedclothes in a vain attempt to hide but to no avail. They kept tugging and pulling at the quilt until finally I gave in.

Alright, you guys. I am coming.

Grudgefully, I swung my legs out of bed. The kids yay'd before skipping and squee'ing ahead of me down the stairs.

Daddy's coming!!!

Their excited voices trailed off into the distance.

Motherfuckers.

I thought resentfully as I stood and followed them downstairs. Couldn't they at least give me a long lie in bed?

I stumbled into the lounge like a cut-rate Tony Soprano fetching his morning paper.

Happy Father's day!!!

The whole gang of pricks were there. The Good Lady, beaming in front of me, her arms open wide as if for a hug. The kids holding out scraps of paper adorned with crude scribbles at me.

I took a moment to squint through my sleep blurred eyes.

What the fuck? Why was the Good Lady dressed like a fucking hobo? Where was all the sex stuff? It was my special day, so why was she wearing ordinary clothes?

I made a grizzly bear ejaculating noise (higher pitched than you might think) and hauled myself over to a chair at the table, flumping down with a tired huff.

Daddy, Daddy, here!!

The Little Lady shoved a card in my hand.

I made it myself.

She pronounced proudly.

No shit, Sherlock. I thought as I eyed it up and down.

Very nice, darling. I love it. What's that thing?

I pointed at a part of the card that looked like a blood tsunami.

It's a butterfly.

Ah, well. That is amazing. Thank you, sweetheart. You are Daddy's little treasure.

I gave the card a shake but oddly there appeared to be no money in it.

Bastard. I put the card to the side and accepted the next offering. It was from the Little Boom. He too looked to have made a card.

That's his handprint on the front.

Announced the Good Lady happily as she ruffled the Little Boom's hair.

What the fuck? Is he an actual Giant?! I looked the Little Boom up and down. Then looked back at the massive smeary handprint on the card.

Awesome, little guy. Thank you very much!

I gave my three-year-old son a hug and gently nudged him to the side.

We have acorn milk.

The Good Lady clucked like a contented mother hen.

I grimaced. What in the name of bloody fuck was Acorn milk? Did acorns have fucking breasts now? She better not put that shit anywhere near my coffee.

Acorn milk? Why, what a delight. As long as it's not in my coffee, my darling.

I did a good impression of some who loves their family and is not disappointed in the least by the lack of hookers, cocaine and bowls of those pills that make you sweat and shit yourself whilst telling everyone you love them and are having an amazing time.

Of course it's not in the coffee. That would be crazy. Here.

She motioned at a tall glass of off-white looking leopard spunk.

Mmm, mmmm.

I tried not to set fire to the house and run away screaming. Where was the fucking exotically aged whisky, rank with peat and smoke? Where were the beers? Why had she not cracked open a tinny and placed it in my hand?

And what the fuck was Acorn milk?

Before I could dwell any more on the shitness of my day the Good Lady stepped forward with a parcel in her hands.

Something shrivelled and dark inside me perked up.

Aye aye, was this it? Something good? It was too small to be a Gibson Guitar so what could it be? Was it a knife? That would be good, one of those mean-looking ones with a curvy blade that I could cruelly gut fish with?

Or perhaps it was a gun? That would be fucking magic. I could go over to my neighbour on the other side of the road and shoot her in the head for parking her pink car where I could see it.

I snarled inwardly at the thought of that fucking pink car.

Yes, please let it be a gun.

I tore off the wrapper.

Inside were three fancy-looking handmade chocolate bars with a note describing how fucking fancy they were.

We love you Daddy-Bear!

The Family all gathered around and hugged me in an obvious attempt to steal the very air I breathed.

They pulled back as one.

Whatcha think, good Fathers Day so far? We are going to head down to the park and give you a couple of hours to just chill because I know you had a few beers last night and might be feeling a wee bit delicate?

The Good Lady's eyes shone with love.

I looked at them all, a motley shower of bastards who professed to love me and yet had given me no hookers, drugs, alcohol, fancy knives or even a solitary Gibson Guitar on this day of Fatherly celebration.

My face cracked into a bitter smile

You guys are awesome. What a splendid day. I am blessed to have such an amazing family.

Fuckers.

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Well the bright side of the having kids deal is as they age, the gifts get just a bit better.

I will take it! Roll on my advancing years!! ;OD

I had to come over here and see what's happened with all that wood then stumbled into this! My family think I'm crazy laughing at my phone but really...Brilliant Father's day blog, you have a wicked sense of humour...

I gave the card a shake but oddly there appeared to be no money in it.

Confession time... I've done that one a couple of times😆

Yeah, I like to joke but sometimes I am like. Where the money?! Where the fancy gifts!! :0D

You old softie! You would cry if you didn't get handmade cards full of love. Although a little money would have saved the day.

I absolutely am an old softie. And a terrible hungover passion too, lol!

When I was reading I was imagining your family, first they woke you up ha ha ha ha, but it is Father's day, anything goes, then they go down the stairs, the delivery of the cards, at that point I thought, surely he is going to look for money and if ha ha ha, then your son's card and the bear's hand equal to that of the father, this is all very cute, then the good lady's loving look, you are very lucky, and the last thing They surround you, all in a big hug, you are a lucky man, you have a family that loves you.

They had better love me and love me well or I will have to get the big stick out again!! :0)

Hahahahah the chocolate bars are pretty nice. Doing handmade cards... Gosh they must really love you, it is very special to have kids make something with their own hands

I do like the hand made things they do. I just pretend otherwise ;0D

We are going to head down to the park and give you a couple of hours to just chill because I know you had a few beers last night and might be feeling a wee bit delicate?

The best Father's Day gift ever!!! Peace and quiet to muddle through a hang-over.

It was pretty spectacular. I actually felt almost Human by the time they returned 🤣🤣

LoL maybe they should have gone to the park first and done the Father's Daying after XD

Sounds like you had enough alcohol the previous night anyway, serves you right for having a hangover ;D

Oh the night before was brutal!! I am trying to build a deck and it is a tiny weeny but more difficult than I first thought it might be so after it I was knackered and thirsty and feeling so hey tomorrow is father's Day. Next thing you know I am out the back fighting with trees and talking in a foreign language.

So yes, I was a tad rough :0D

I love how this father's point of view tends to revolve unto the idea of being gangster-type dad that professes violence and values his man-like culture (especially on thinking about hookers and drugs), but he quickly returns to a loving dad that appreciates his family innocent efforts on celebrating his big day in the descent way. Love it!

Isnt that how all fathers think? ;O) Cheers!

Happy fathers day

Cheers very much!!

Cheers mate! Had a blast

hahahahah....@meesterboom
O.M.Gush so you can be hilarious.
Hope the littles are not here ooo
Anyways, happy fathers day in arias

The little ones are too small for such things as the internet thankfully. When they are I will steer them well clear of this place!!

I loved it. You are f***ing hilarious.
I think I might be like you in a way.

Happy father's day Meesterboom.

Hehe, I hope you aren't too much like me. You would be doomed!! :0)

Anyways hope you are enjoying your day?

It has improved now that my awful hangover has faded away. Hope you are having a good un!

My father and mother are unemployed, so i need to work hard to earn money, Happy father's day !

You can write your father a card and adorn it with cruise drawing and save some by doing that!

Very true, the hookers and blow for your father won't come cheap!! ;0)

So i will try working hard in crypto world which may help

It might but there are no guarantees!

Too funny! Happy Father's Day!

Cheers mate!! A good day indeed!! :0)

Cheers mate!! Twas a very good day!!

Cheers mate!! Twas a very good day!!

Woops! It's on the chain forever, better make sure Little Lady and Little Boom don't come on Hive when they grow up!!!

Oh hey, there's a thing. You know I never thought of that for a second!!! So that means I now have to wish for the death of hive!!!! 😱😱

You did wear your hangover ever so well there. 😄👍

Next time leave some prints of the awesome Leatherman blade in the house at tactical spots, where the good lady resides occasionally. Just about a week before, or so, before fathersday. It might do the trick.

Anyway seems to me you had a great fathersday!





It was pretty good mate!! I was as Roth as a Badgers chuff in the morning but after a couple of coffees I was able to enjoy it.

I think they already live in fear of the leather man ;0)

Hahaha, no more of the Leatherman, one Skelleton multitool is enough already! 😄

Damn it. None of my replies are taking!!

Is there a Learherman 'collect the whole theme' thing? Enough present ideas for many years to come.

Look, it is even fashionable! (Awesome it has a beercap opener too.)

https://ipfs.io/ipfs/bafybeif67ah4n6y2kabhzezwqjgaoxid4umpacp75txickyi2y3ebstucq

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I saw that!! I was half tempted. I am going to end up being a big jangly collection of metal 🤣🤣

Heavy metal, in toolz n music! 🎸😅
You'll need one on each wrist though, otherwise only one arm will become very muscular. 😄

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Damn it. None of my replies are taking!!

They do seem so, or are we being forked hard already?

Posted via D.Buzz

Seems something weird is going on with hive.blog related sites / apps.

D.buzz works fine, just like dAppler app.

Posted via Blog | D.Buzz

Ah!! I switched to peakd, that seems to be it sorted. Although, near we suffer this every single hard fork!!!

That would be bad news if that would happen every bleeding HF!




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Yes yes twas why I had so many brothers and sisters.

I'm glad to hear it..I came from a small family of maniacs.. ;0)

I am blessed to have such an amazing family.

Indeed you are..

and yet had given me no hookers, drugs, alcohol, fancy knives or even a solitary Gibson Guitar on this day of Fatherly celebration

They would rather expect you to through out a dinner party 😀 - it hurts our pocket - but that is what it is meant to be 😁

They made me a rather fine dinner. It was most splendid once I had recovered from the night before :0D

Then they are splendid 👍 and deserve one from you..

I will be back on duty tonight!!

Brutal.. You had better make sure she never sees these words!

Lol. I let her read it before I posted it, she cuffed me around the head but in a nice way :0D

Lol audibly cracked up a few times here, needed that thanks man!

Acorn milk, what the Jesus is that? I’m not a huge fan of turning everything into a milk. They are trying to milk fucking bugs and call it milk! These people are truly sick.

Sounds like you had a nice Father’s Day despite the rough waking up from the little rascals! Our son loves to sleep so we are always awake before him hahaha

You are so lucky, our kids are amazing but they have both been cursed with the wake up at half five in the morning syndrome. Its killing us. The eldest is 8, I was hoping for some teen style late sleeping!

Acorn milk is minging. It is the same with all of the milks. I was reading a thing about almond milk being super bad for the environment and I thought, aye, typical!

Is always good to remember and celebrate a day like this may almighty continue to keep ur family save to celebrate more,onces again happy Father's Day


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I changed the locks.. That will learn them!!

I jest of course, I will keep them around at least for another year ;0D

Happy father's day to all the father's in the world

I hope they get hookers and blow for their sacrifice!!

We are going to head down to the park and give you a couple of hours to just chill because I know you had a few beers last night and might be feeling a wee bit delicate?

The best Father's Day gift ever!!! Peace and quiet to muddle through a hang-over.

It was very good, by the time they came back I was almost Human again!!! :0D

i this like

As do I my friend, as do I!