BANG BANG BANG!
What in the bloody blazes man?!
I looked up in the direction of the front door from the incredibly complex pie chart I was creating in excel.
BANG BANG BANG BANG!!
There was a muffled shouting to accompany what sounded like my front door being kicked in.
For fuck sake. Delivery driver bastard.
I muttered, getting up from my chair.
The Good Lady had taken the kids out for our Government-mandated 60 minutes of exercise in the prison yard local park and I had been slaving away, hoping to blaze through my work for an early finish.
I shuffled in my trampish working from home clothes toward the door. I hadn't shaved for a few days. I hoped my wild man looks didn't terrify the door person.
I could see his shape behind the frosted glass of the window. He looked as if he was carrying a box.
Ooo, was it my beer! I had ordered beer online the other day. This was exciting.
Can you just leave the box, please?
I shouted reasonably through the door.
No can do. Needs a signature.
Came back the tetchy response.
Step back then, I am opening the door.
I saw the trollish shape of the man retreat back a couple of meters. My inner virus-o-meter nodded in approval.
I swung the door open and there he was, a chunky looking tablet thing in one hand.
You need to sign for this mate.
He waggled it at me like an errant penis.
Can't. Virus. Don't want to touch your thing.
I said making a face like a cat licking Bovril but discovering it was Vegemite.
You will have to or I will have to take it away again.
Delivery man said bluntly as if he was dealing with a giant, half-bearded, talking shit.
Hmm. This was tricky. I didn't want to catch the plague. Perhaps this situation demanded some of my famed Boom diplomacy?
Aw, come on to fuck mate. Can't you just make a squiggle on the fucking thing? I won't tell.
I gave him a combo of the iron eye and the devil's eyebrow.
Look, I will leave the thing on the ground and you can just sign, alright? But you need to sign it.
I stared at him. A long stare. A stare that had broken stronger men and impregnated women and horses.
Words began to bubble up in my mind. Terrible words. Savage words. Words about his parentage and his resemblance to a yeasty vagina. The words began to solidify.
My mouth opened for the launching, then I froze...
Wait a damn minute. If that is my beer delivery, then that means my Oyster beer is in there? I had been looking forward to trying that. Damn. Damn. Damn!!! Quickly I sent the abort codes to my mouth.
So what's happening, you signing this or what?!
Delivery man looked narked as if his wife's vagina had developed an annoying squeak.
I agonised for a brief moment. I didn't want to catch the plague? I didn't want to go to hospital and get things inserted inside of me? Hell, more importantly... I didn't want to die!?
But Oyster beer made with real oysters?
I stepped out of the door.
Fuck it. Why not.
It is strange how our minds play with us with this virus - the box and beer all can have the virus on it. You just have to sign and wash your hands, saver than taking the stuff into your house hahaha. Here in SA a lot of people are still outside. Now they say the lockdown may be longer??? Why???? eventually we will have to go out and those who are spreading the virus will still be there................. such a pity this virus is not selective
I know. I have become a washing hands maniac!!!
Even though I am quite convinced I had it at the start of March! It would be good if the virus was selective. I can think of many it could select!
Ah a perfect little vignette of the 'new normal', @meesterboom . Don't you love how know we are meant to look askance at one another. Every so often, as I am a creature of self inflicted quarantine in my normal daily life, I forget that the world is T over A when I do need to go out, and then the masks and the gloves and the looks remind me...
What a funny joke if somewhere there was a room of expensive suited men laughing at screens giving feed of all of us with trolley's full of loo rolls and plastic gloves on...
Oyster beer, that's intriguing. Here in Ole' New England, we save our 'broth' from steaming mussels/oysters/shell fish, even lobsters and that is used in AUTHENTIC bloody mary's. Waste not want not, they say...they'll be saying THAT a lot more as the months roll on, eh?
OH and apropos of nothing, we recently went on a Limmy Show binge and now when I read your posts, in my head, you've his accent, which I think is of the Glasgow persuasion? Anyhoo, just thought you'd either 1) think that funny or b) be offended ;)
Limmy!!! That's the Glasgow accent alright! He's great. It's definitely funny.
I often imagine their is a room somewhere exactly like that. I totally sometimes think when I am making a decision in life what's the narrative here? And go against it. The good lady thinks it is nuts! Lol.
I am wildly intrigued by this bloody Mary recipe. Tell me more. I love a good and super spicy bloody Mary!!
You need gloves for occasions like this, and hand sanitiser for the gloves.
Alternately just jump in a super hot shower after signing, it should be fine XD
I world like some hand sanitizer but it is one of the things the plebs cleaned out months ago and now the only said left is being profiteered and costs a fortune!
Shower it is!
Next time simply answer the door wearing only one rubber glove. Then smack it on your wrist like you're about to go exploring.
That might do it. You mean wear it on my penis don't you?
A fearsome sight. I just hope it doesn't solicit delivery people without parcels. Hmm
Of course you wear it on your penis. What kind of question is that?
Of course, of course. Asking for a friend and all that...
This oddly calm and almost bland chaos crisscrossing the world must be getting to your friend.
He's like a duck all calm in the surface and shitting in the water underneath
I pictured a duck wearing a diaper just now. Thanks?
Just investigating this Hive thing, and it looks like you are writing original daily content daily on both platforms. Seriously? Your productivity is unmatched. I'd be lucky to write one post a week with your level of wittiness. Now you're pulling double duty on a daily basis...all I can say is well done!
Is there a reason not to post your blogs on both platforms? Are they censoring that or something, or is it just looked down upon?
There is no reason not to post double. Quite a lot of people are. And no one minds so much for the moment.
I have a confession in that regard. I am posting original content here but reporting my oldest content on steem whilst I power down!
They have been leaving my boxes on the step and banging on the door too. One did sign for me, and I didn't need to ask!
I had to sign. I was raging man!
Loads of the supermarket deliveries I have had as well are not just leaving them without some door opening action. I would almost be better venturing outside!!
I'm not letting the supermarkets deliver my stuff! That is a valid reason to go out.. you know.. live the dream.. and all that.
One day we will be free to go out as much as we please. Feel the sun in our faces etc etc. Lol, the things you take for granted!
Lol hahaha so you made a decision to die afterall? The delivery man seems to have won
But to die for beer is no death at all. It's a victory!!!
Cheers to dying for beer lol hahaha
I am hopeful of according the reaper!!
Priorities, Man!!! You chose correctly....otherwise, we would be left wanting come beer Saturday lol
Hehe! That was entirely my thinking!!! Oyster Saturday!!
Oysters and dolphin noses. I smell yet another innuendo.
So much aquatics!! I fear the oyster would lend itself to much coarser innuendo! :0D